Still searching....

Spinning...

2006-10-23T08:40:00.000-06:00

Wow. It seems lately I've been blessed with a whole bunch of strange experiences. I sense I should be learning something here, but all I feel I'm really learning is how to be very confused!

Last Friday I was dying of thirst so I went down to the cafeteria to fill up my water bottle. I'm off in my own little world, daydreaming about something I feel I have no right to dream about, when a frantic woman ran up to me, said "Michelle, is that you?" hugged me, and began crying. This woman was familiar to me, but it took me a long time to place her. I eventually remembered that she was the mother of a girl I went to high school with. I couldn't believe she remembered me. She held on to me for quite some time, telling me how very sick her husband is. She told me every little detail. I hardly said a word. I felt her pain so intensely that I also cried. After this, she stepped back and looked at me. She put her hands on my shoulders and thanked me; she told me that I made her feel a lot better, that I told her what she needed to hear. I wandered back to my office feeling completely drained. I hardly had enough physical energy to lift my finger to push the button on the elevator. I had a splitting headache. I spent the rest of the afternoon wondering if medicine will really be the right career for me. I will need to learn how to not let people suck the life out of me. I could've protected myself, I know this, but I had the opportunity to give something to someone who needed it, and there is just no way I could refuse her that.

Friday night Shelley and I went to see Ronnie Burckett's new marionnette show, "10 Days on Earth" (http://www.johnlambert.ca/english/ronnie/ronnie_productions.htm). It was disturbing, but extremely well done. I was so thankful to have Shelley beside me - I generally have to do everything by myself, which is usually okay by me. I go to art galleries by myself. I go to movies by myself. I go for walks by myself. Sometimes I even take myself out for dinner. In the show, the main character is a simple-minded man who spends lots of time in a fantasy world. I couldn't help but relate to him in that way. I spend a lot of time in my own little world too. I dream about the life I would like to have, about the world I would like to live in. And I wonder if this is why I never really feel lonely. I have no problems sitting in a restaurant with a glass of wine and a notebook. I wonder if this makes me look simple-minded to the rest of the world....I wonder if maybe I am simple-minded.

I spent Saturday out on 200 acres of unspoiled land where this amazing woman Paula and her daughter Twyla run a sancuary for abused, neglected, and abanded animals. She has llamas, goats, parrots, cats, dogs and horses. I got a bit lost finding the place, because as usual I was daydreaming andnot paying attention to the road. But when I arrived and met the other people who had chosen to spend the day there, the usual thing happened - three people were 100% sure they had met me before but couldn't place where. If I had a penny for every person who felt they knew me, I'd be a very rich girl. I wonder why this happens so often. I managed to connect almost immediately with one of the women there (and she was one who felt she knew me from before - in fact she felt familiar to me too). I went on a tour of her land, and it was so beautiful. There were rolling hills and fields and a forest, and then in the middle of the forest was a mossy area with pines growing, and it looked just like the forest along the BC coast. I felt so connected to the earth in that place. Even though it was freezing cold and soaking wet, I felt the need to take my shoes off and let my feet really connect to the earth.

And then I met Lola. Lola is a horse who had been starved nearly to death. She has been at the sanctuary for quite some time, but she has been unable to put on any weight. I felt her call me. Paula warned us all that she was nervous and skittish and could be aggressive. But I just knew somehow that I would be safe with her. I walked up to her and I looked in one of her eyes and I told her she was beautiful. I walked to the side of her and rested my head against her. I could feel her ribs poking through her skin. I cried and cried and cried. I had more to learn from Paula, and so I left Lola. Later, during lunch, I took an apple out to her. I stood beside her, she rested her head on my shoulder, and she fell asleep. She even snored. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life, to be trusted like this. I rested my head on her and stood there for 45 minutes and just felt her breathing, felt this life beside me. It was magical.

But I was outraged. I can't fathom the thought of people treating animals this way. Paula and I talked about it. Paula believes that the way humans treat animals is a reflection of the way they treat each other. She's right - all you have to do is look at the genocide happening in Darfur. Not only are people killing each other, children are starving, women are being raped, and the rest of the world sits back and lets it happen. People can spare $5 to buy a latte at Starbucks, but they can't spare some change to feed the hungry. People say they have no time to donate, but they spend 6 hours in front of the TV every night vicariously living through fictitious characters. Many people don't even bother educating themselves about this world. I just don't get it.

And as enraged as I get, I am also guilty. I mean I sit here and spout all of this, but what do I really do to help this world? Sure, I give money to Amnesty International every month. Sure, I will be buying oats to take to Lola this week, sure I dutifuly read the Economist every week to keep up with world events. But what do I really do? I know I can do more, and yet I don't.

Shelley and I drove to Vermillion to meet a friend for lunch, and the whole way there I talked about this. I talked about how I can't possibly do everything. I can't save all the starving children. I can't treat every person with AIDS in Africa, and can't take in all the orphans, I can't rescue all the animals. I know that I have a special connection with animals. I know that I have two rescued dogs living in my house already. I know I could do what Paula does. But instead of doing it, I sit here and say, but I have no time, I have no money. How can I buy land? Where do I find the money to feed these animals? How would I ever be able to cope, seeing such suffereing every day? How ever will I cope when I die of heartbreak every time an animals gets adopted? Shelley would say I'm only being realistic, but I think I'm just making excuses, like everyone else does.

The thing is, this is how I see my life. I see myself living in a wide open space surrounded by trees and lots of animals. I see myself having my own garden, and having a space where I can do yoga outside, on the grass, naked, whenever I want to. I see there being lots of time to make music, or art, or to write. And love, love, love all around me. But instead, what I have is a house in the city that I don't like. A job that I don't like. I have a partner who loves me to death, yet I find myself wanting more. More passion, more joy, more connection. I am loved here, yet I pine for someone I don't really know, someone I know I will never have. There's just a strong yearning for a different kind of life. The problem is that this yearning is getting stronger, and I can't seem to release the attachment I have to my life, and it all makes me feel like I'm spinning out of control.

Touched

2006-10-19T11:08:00.000-06:00

I just ran into an old colleague of mine. We used to work together in the lab. She stopped me in the hallway to tell me that she received all of my emails from Uzbekistan, and that she printed them all to keep for her children to read when they are older. She read them some of my stories, including my visit to the TB Sanitorium for children and the pcitures they drew of what a world without TB would look like. She told them about the small boy who won the prize of a soccer ball for his picture, and how happy this made him. The story touched her son so much that he now wants to send soccer balls to children who need them. I was really touched to hear this. Even if I made no difference whatsoever in Uzbekistan, I might have done something to change the way a little Canadian boy sees the world. Maybe he will grow up to change the world!

I'm baaaack!

2006-09-29T12:16:00.000-06:00

Well, it's been a long time, hasn't it? I went to Uzbekistan, came home, went to Bangladesh, came home again, and plan to stick around here for a little while. I feel the need to spend some time feeding the home fires.

What prompted me to write again was something as mundane as a little office squabble. I am back working for my old boss again (he's such a great guy). Unfortunately, we share office space with another group (who aren't such great guys). They are completely uncompromising and unrelenting on anything at all. And of course I can't find the courage to stand up to them, even on the issues for which I know I am right! This is definitely a personality flaw. I must get to work on that!

In other news, I have begun playing the cello. I love it. I have always wanted to learn how to play, and now that I don't have a big grey thundercloud of a thesis hanging over my head, I have the time and freedom to take lessons.

I have also started running. Shelley and I took a running class, and now we run 5km on a regular basis. We are now starting to increase our distances. I seem to think that for each additional km I run, I am entitled to another LuluLemon outfit. If you use my logic, it is much more sensible to reward myself by spending $100 on workout clothes than $1.25 on a chocolate bar!

I start horseback riding lessons next week. I am only taking 4 lessons to see how it works out for me. I met a horse for the first time in Uzbekistan, on a journey out to see what was left of the Aral Sea, and fell in love with him. So of course I feel the need to meet another horse.

I seem to have found my groove here at home. I'll keep you posted of any bumps on the road.

Celebrating a Western holiday season with Eastern Beliefs

2005-12-13T15:53:00.000-07:00

I have long struggled with this time of year. I have so many problems with Christmas, starting with the fact that I am not a Christian, but also encompassing issues such as: I don't do turkey dinner as a vegetarian, I try to live my life simplisticly, avoiding excessive materialism, etc. Trying to get loved ones to understand this is rather difficult, particulary with my family who find comfort in the traditions of the holiday. The end result of this struggle is general angst and grumpiness during the season. However, I've had a change of heart this year, and am totally excited about the holiday. I've chosen to concentrate on the aspects that I love: the overwhelming joy of my mother, the lights shining throughout the city, people who normally don't giving to charity giving what they can. I still struggle a bit, mostly with the fact that we as westerners overeat, overdrink, and overindulge for a full month, when most of the human population lives in poverty. In any case, I just read an article that nicely explained how one woman finds a way to make her western upbringing co-exist with her eastern beliefs. It's called Om for the Holidays and you can find it here:

http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/514_1.cfm?ctsrc=nlv182

I'm a Master!!!

2005-12-06T16:26:00.000-07:00

Well, almost! I just finished my thesis defense and it went soooooooo well! I can't believe it's all finally over! I was a nervous wreck all day, but as usual, the anticipation was way worse than the actual defense. As soon as I started talking I KNEW I was going to nail it. I felt so comfortable and the words were just falling out of my mouth. My external examiner was the first one to ask questions, and she starting off by saying "First let me tell you that this an excellent thesis, perfectly written, and very important". I pretty much knew then that I was going to pass! The remaining questions were all very fair, and were also very general. Those questions are so much more fun to answer than the nit-picky ones. Anyway, at the end of it all I was told I couldn't have done it better, and then was offered a job opportunity with WHO!!!!! How can it get any better than that!!!!

The petty details of the squid and the whale

2005-11-06T21:34:00.000-07:00

The other night Shelley and I went to see a movie called "The Squid and the Whale". It was a rather candid look at parental influence, particularly in the face of divorce. The story centered on a pair of brothers, one who wants to be a writer like dad, and the other who wants to be a tennis pro. The parents aren't the nicest of people - mom has several affairs during the marriage, and dad is an emotionally abusive arrogant asshole (that's my opinion of him anyway). They are both PhD literary experts and the movie involves lots of discussion around "classic works" which was often quite funny. Anyway, it was interesting to watch these two boys experience the divorce, how they seemed to "pick sides", and how they each adopted certain traits from their parents. It was particularly interesting how they chose to also focus on the sexual journey of these boys - Frank, the youngest son, is just discovering himself and begins experimenting with alcohol and masterbation, while Walt, the eldest, struggles over the state of his first relationship with a girl. Neither parent seems able to give the boys the guidance they need during this and as such they end up getting into a bit of trouble.

I just finished a book called "The Petty Details of So-and-So's Life". This book also dealt with parental influence, this time focusing on a brother and sister and how they each cope with the disapearance of their mentally ill father and the resulting withdrawal and alcoholism of their mother. Despite having some rather humorous moments, the book touches on the issues of child abuse, sexual abuse, incest, homophobia, self-mutilation, mental illness and alcoholism. The story centers around Emma and Blue, siblings who took comfort in each other during their early years, hiding from the abuse of their father. When he leaves, each sibling deals with his absence in a different way. Emma continually tries to re-invent herself, creating new lives in which she doesn't have to deal with the facts of her true life. Eventually, of course, this catches up to her. Despite her sexual confusion and her fears that she will end up like her father, she manages to find happiness in her life. Blue, on the other hand, is constantly haunted by his father's abusive comments. He turns into a drug-addicted, rough-and-tough tattoo artist who spends considerable time trying to find his homeless father, and finds relief only in the saddest of ways at the end of the novel.

Anyway, it was interesting to read a book and see a movie that both dealth with a pair of siblings trying to grow up in less-than-ideal circumstances. Gave lots of food for thought....

Map of My World

2005-11-03T21:18:00.000-07:00

I found this website where you can map out all of the countries you have visited. Here's what my map looks like:

create your own visited country map

Mind the wildlife

2005-11-03T09:34:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like absolute darkness to make you feel like you are in the middle of nowhere. It fascinates me how you can arrive at your destination in the dark, completely unaware of your physical surroundings, and then wake up in the morning to find yourself amidst glorious mountains and lakes. This has been the story of my life this week. I am in the interior of BC for work, and have so far visited the towns of Trail, Cranbrook, Nelson and Penticton. It's only Thursday and I've already put over 1300km on the car!

On the first day, from Kelowna to Trail, I had to drive over a snow-filled, icy pass. I was white-knuckled the whole time and even had to turn off the music to allow complete concentration on the road. Then, on my way to Cranbrook, I drove over the highest pass in BC in complete darkness, and I was the only vehicle on the road. It was sooooo scary! I'm driving this puny little gutless Echo and I was sure I was going to slide right off the side of the mountain! Thankfully, I didn't.

When it came time to drive over to Nelson on Tuesday, I was in a slight state of panic because I didn't want to go over that damn pass again. I figured I tested my luck once already - I didn't need to do it again. So I went to the Visitors' Information Center in Creston, after an amazing small-town lunch, and asked for alternate ways of getting to Nelson. The lady at the desk said that I could only go over the pass if I had chains on the car. Well, the rental didn't come with chains, and even if it did, I wouldn't have a clue what to do with them. Besides, she said her husband worked for the fire department and had done several rescues that morning already, and that the pass would likely be closed later in the day. So, I had no choice but to go the looooooooong way. That was fine by me. It was a gorgeous drive around Kootenay Lake, and I got to take a ferry. So it was all good.

It took me about 5 minutes to realize that I loved Nelson and never, ever wanted to leave. The place is simply stunning. In a weird way it kind of reminded me of Rwanda - when you approach the city, you can see rows upon rows of houses terraced into the mountain, just like the farms and villages were in Rwanda. Anyway, Nelson has an Ashtanga yoga studio, several meditation centers, restaurants with catchy names, like The Treehouse which served vegan entrees and Night Train which claimed to serve "soul food". They had stores geared towards the "responsible consumer" and hemp stores galore. All this I found on a short walk in the evening. Add in all the amazing opportunities for hiking, and you've got paradise, as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, morning came and I went to the hospital (half way up a mountain I might add) and finished my work, and then it was on the road again - this time to Penticton. The logical way to get there, according the map, was to retrace my steps. However, this required going over a flippin' pass again. My colleague at the hospital made some comment suggesting that I was brave, if not a little insane, to go over that pass. So I left the hospital, went to my trendy little car, and stared at the map, thinking that I had been brave enough on my first day of driving, and that there was really nothing wrong with choosing to drive several hours longer in order to avoid one hour of sheer terror. Besides, I shouldn't gamble with my life and limbs when I'm on the boss' money.

The drive, again, was beautiful. At least it was while the light lasted. By the time I came to yet another ferry ride across another lake, it was 5pm and therefore dark. I drove up and over another pass, although thankfully the snow chose to stay on the trees and not the roads. But, it was 107km, this trail around the mountain, and the speed limit was usually only 60km/h, sometimes even 20km/h on account of the windiness.

I must admit that I got a bit scared again. You know that you are truly in barren land when you can't even get CBC on am radio. I managed to keep my mind busy during those grueling 107km, mostly contemplating the wildlife in the area. I saw more deer and elk on that stretch than I had the rest of the trip! What I was trying to figure out was why they choose to dash to the far side of the road, and dangerously crossing my path, rather than hop back into the ditch they are standing right beside. It's a mystery. At least the animals kept me company. As did the signs on the road telling me to look out for them.

This poor world of ours

2005-10-27T08:51:00.000-06:00

Two aid workers were killed and several more were injured in a series of ambushes by the LRA in northern Uganda earlier this week.

Meanwhile, in Pakistan, the death toll threatens to double as homeless citizens succumb to hunger, cold, and injury. While the world has promised the region money, it has been too slow getting there. And many countries have given little to nothing. It's been estimated that more people will die due to this than from the earthquake itself. Aid workers are struggling to do the best they can with essentially nothing.

In Sudan, the aid workers that were being held hostage were finally released. Despite this, attacks on villages, rapes, and other ambushes are on the increase. As a result, all but the most essential aid is being pulled from the region, leaving 3.3 million local people to suffer, including the 1.8 million people who are internally displaced and the 200,000 that have fled to Chad.

War is expected to commence full-force in the Ivory Coast on Oct 30. The current president's five-year term comes to end on this day, and there are no elections scheduled to replace him. The country was split in two in 2002 by a civil war.

I won't even get started on the bird flu.

A Palestinian suicide bomber killed five in a market in Israel. Islamic Jihad claimed responsibility for the bombing, saying it was avenging Israel's killing of a top West Bank commander on Monday during an army arrest raid.

Millions of citizens in Malawi are starving because the current president and his predecessor are quarelling over who's more corrupt, pitting the goverment against the parliament and seemingly forgetting about everyone else who lives in the country.

The list could go on. This poor world of ours.

Adventures on the Road to Health

2005-10-25T16:59:00.000-06:00

I'm sure none of you want to hear about my mundane health problems, especially since they revolve almost entirely around my bowels and PMS. In any case, I've given up on the western medical system I've devoted most of my working life to, and have turned to more traditional modes of healing. I guess I got tired of of walking into my GP's office, describing my issues, then being shuffled out the door with illegible prescriptions in my hand. Part of me always wonders if anyone only cares if the condition is life-threatening. However, I feel I deserve I completely healthy life, as we all do, so I decided to take advantage of all my benefits at work and try some alternative therapies.

I went to a naturopathic doctor a few weeks ago. Rather than a super-fast 2 minute consultation, I was in her office for almost 2 hours. We talked about my entire medical history, what my past and current complaints are, and what my goals for health were. I was elated to even be asked what my goals were! Anyway, it was a very tiring appointment. She made me discuss emotional issues as well, since the physical body often expresses the emotional body. Anyway, after all of her questioning and testing, she told me what I already knew. Which was somewhat of a relief, I guess. When it came time to determining what to do about it, she used this process called clinical kinesiology, which is some kind of a feedback system of muscle testing. Your muscles respond to different stimuli based on your body's perception of that stimulus. The doc was able to tell which organs were "sick" through this process, and also which treatments would be best for me. After all this, she gave me a couple of things to try. It has been two weeks, and although my troubles aren't completely fixed, they are certainly much, much better.

Anyway, in discussing this journey with a friend, I discovered that my friend was on the same kind of healing path. She felt she needed a healthier way of living, and discovered an acupuncturist that has a very gentle way of approaching health. I complain every few months about numbness in my arms, and although previous physio and chiropractic treatments have fixed this, it always promptly returns. So tonight I see the acupuncturist to see if he can not only fix this problem of mine, but also come up with ways that I might prevent it in the future. That's what I'm after.....prevention.

I told the naturopath this, and I'll tell this dude tonight, that although it is a specific issue that brought me to these people, "getting fixed" isn't my primary objective. I want to learn healthy habits, but I also want to understand what my weaknesses are so that I can take special measures to prevent some of my recurring health issues from happening in the future. It seems reasonable to me....I'll keep you posted.

why i quit hockey

2005-10-21T10:39:00.000-06:00

It comes as a shock to most people who know me, but I quit hockey yersterday. I've only told Vickie and Kristie (besides Shelley, of course, who knew I was stewing about this since our last game). Both said to me "but you LOVE hockey!". And it's true, I do. Shelley asked me if I wouldn't miss the rush, the feeling of being out there on the ice. Of course I will, that's what I love most about hockey! But that feeling comes at a price that is just too high for me. Shelley's advice was to just stand up to certain people, and Vickie told me that she's learned you can't please everyone, just do the best you can, and fuck anyone who says it's not good enough. There are days when I wish I was more like Vickie!

But it's just not that easy for me. Hockey was also just supposed to be fun for me. Yes, I wanted to improve my skills, but I played for the sake of playing, and if I became a better player, then that was just a bonus. I have no aspirations to become a national women's hockey team player. I have no aspirations to even play in a different tier! I just wanted to have fun! Hockey was my outlet, my stress relief. But what's a person to do when your outlet becomes stressful?

So why is hockey stressful? There are several reasons:

Because of my work schedule, I have to miss some games. And because of work/other committments in life, it is very difficult for me to make practices that are arranged on short notice. Some people don't understand the concept of putting work before hockey. And as coach said "I have x many children and x many jobs and my work is mentally challenging, and yes I would rather be in bed at 10:45pm but I come to games anyway because I made that committment to the team and the team expects the same committment from you." I just can't do that, even though I wish I could.
It is hard for me to see my teammates come to games high/stoned. Especially when these teammates are also friends. Shelley has been trying to teach me how to come to hockey and tune that stuff out, but I can't. I happen to care about these people and I don't understand their choices. I can't say anything to them because what right do I have to judge other people's life choices? It hurts me to see that and it hurts me more that there is nothing I can do to convince these people that they can have so much more in their lives. For all I know, they are happy with their lives. So I have this inner turmoil everytime I enter the dressing room. I have to look at people I used to know and love and face the fact that I don't know them at all anymore. I know that people would think this is crazy, which is why I never mentioned this as a reason for quitting. It's just who I am. I have no control over my hurting heart sometimes.
I get tired of people telling me I need more practice, or need to do this or that differently. I play hockey to have fun, not to be constantly told I'm not good enough. I don't pretend to be a star player. What's worse is that I'm never lazy on the ice. I work hard every single shift of every single game. Because I lack any serious skill this is sometimes hard to see. But it's true. So it's hard when coach says certain things to me after I've done the best I thought I could.

You know, I get lots of criticism at work, and I have personality conflicts with people at work. But it never really becomes a pr0blem. I appreciate constructive criticism because it makes me better at what I do. I'm a senstitive person and it takes a lot of effort for me to put personality conflicts in context. But hockey isn't like work for me. It was supposed to be a place where I got to be myself, not be judged based on my skill, and just have fun. When you have these expectations of something, you generally feel disappointed when they are not met.

So that's my story.

Two sides of the coin

2005-10-20T15:59:00.000-06:00

Someone, I like to call him a wise man because I think he is, told me this morning that our greatest strength in life ultimately becomes our greatest weakness. He was referring to me always having to be “strong” and “hard-working”. Granted, he knows me in a professional sense, not a personal one, so he’s a bit biased. Anyway, he was commenting on how admirable it is that I can always successfully push through all of my obstacles at work/school. He asked me where in my life I picked that up from, and so I told him the following (all true!) story:

Do you remember back in the days when the powers-that-be still believed physical activity was an important part of a child’s education? Every year we had to endure the Canada Fitness Test, in which we had to prove we could do an appropriate number of sit-ups, push-ups, and chin-ups. We had to run a certain distance in a certain amount of time, and we had to do standing/running long jumps as well. Athletics was never my strong suit and I hated that part of me. I loved running around and climbing trees and being active, but I could never get anything better than the “bronze” badge in the Canada Fitness Test. In Grade 6 I said to myself “enough is enough”. I told my teacher that I wanted not simply the “gold” badge, but the “excellence” badge. Every single day after that discussion I came early into school and we practiced, and practiced, and practiced. I worked so hard. When the testing day came, I passed it with flying colors. There was a special assembly at school to hand out the badges, and the local paper was there, and my parents were there, and my teacher got up in front of everybody and told my story, concluding with the statement (or something like it anyway): “you can do anything you set your mind on”.

Despite the fact that I felt completely humiliated, I learned the lesson the teacher tried to teach me, and from that point on, I’ve known that if I always try just a little bit harder, I can accomplish what I want. It’s this belief that has got me the good marks in school, the praises from my employers, the jobs I’ve wanted, all of the amazing opportunities I’ve had in my life, etc.

But what happens if you “try harder” to accomplish something you have no control over, or something that is best just left alone? I’ve been sick in the past, and I told myself that if I had just “been stronger” I would’ve been able to fight the sickness off. If I just “tried harder” I’d be able to function well on little or no sleep. If I just “tried harder” I wouldn’t feel sad, or angry. You get the picture. Being strong and hard-working is a great way to be in most aspects of life, but if you get to the point where feel you failed yourself because didn’t work hard enough, or because you weren’t strong enough, then this strength becomes a weakness.

Here’s another example: whenever I hurt myself and ran to my dad bleeding or bruised, he’d tell me to “stick the pain in your back pocket”. It’s great advice in many ways – it was those words that got me to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro and through my minor surgery in Syria (not to mention the nasty spider bite that caused it!). But what about emotional pain? I think most would agree it’s never a good idea to bottle that up and store it in your back pocket until one day the pocket gets full and your jeans tear at the seams and your insides are bared to all who care to notice. Being able to ignore physical pain may be a great strength, but ignoring emotional pain is a great weakness.

Anyway, I realized that the opposite must also be true: our greatest weaknesses can also be our greatest strengths. I’ve always assumed my sensitivity to be my greatest weakness. I’ve gotten used to being teased, laughed at, and ridiculed for crying because a bird flew into the window and died. I’m used to friends getting upset with me because I don’t want to be in loud, noisy bars. I’m used to people telling me to “suck it up” when I get hurt too easily. I’m used to people saying “don’t take it personally”. This world is just not designed for us sensitive people. But along with this sensitivity comes empathy and a true sense of love and caring for this world and all the people in it. And that’s a strength, don’t you think?

I guess there’s always two sides to the coin.

Dreaming the Apocalypse

2005-09-19T20:59:00.000-06:00

I had another strange dream last night....I dreamed that Earth ran out of water. It was horrible. People were dying of dehydration everywhere I looked. Rich people had all of the remaining stocks of bottled water, and horrific acts of violence were committed as people tried to steal water to survive. I couldn't find all the people I loved, but I somehow managed to find some people from my past that I've never really got along with. The group of us had to work together to try and find a way to survive. It was disturbing. I woke up really thirsty, which likely explains the dream. But still...

Beamers vs shaggin' wagons

2005-09-07T20:44:00.000-06:00

Shelley flew out to Victoria to spend the weekend with me. We had such a great time! Even though we are completely broke and can't look rich even if we try, we decided to go all out and enjoy a weekend of gluttonous luxury together. It started out with a night at the Empress. This place is so Victorian, so over-the-top fancy, that we both just giggled the whole time we were there. The ornate wall paper, the flowery carpets, the old paintings of important people of the past, the antique furniture, it was all too much! We had a king sized bed with the most amazing pillows. Unfortunately the bed squeaked, and due to an unfortunate event in Nanaimo involving me having to endure the sexual sounds of the couple in the room next to me for hours on end, and the knowledge that there were old people staying next to us in the Empress, the night wasn't as wild as it probably should have been. Besides, I had to roll over four times to even find Shelley in that damn bed! I think she spent the whole night dreaming about the $24 buttermilk pancakes she wanted for breakfast.....

The next day we started our drive across the island to Tofino. This was a first for us - I drove and she got to be the restless passenger. Both of us wished we were in the other's seat, but due to insurance and blah, blah, blah, I was the sole driver. There was an upside to this - because of my reckless driving, we discovered that Shelley has the car-sickness gene. I tried so hard not to laugh at her, but it was so funny! It was a long and windy, hilly road, and since I have a need for speed and enjoy centrifugal motion, it was literally a roller-coaster ride all the way there!

But there were a few highlights, and breaks from the car, along the way. We stopped at Duncan, the town of totems, and payed a small fortune to enter this outdoor museum and learn all about Native life in the area. It was actually quite fascinating. Part of it involved a short film, and I loved the way this film was made - they talked about the history of the local tribes, their folklore and stories, and they compared it to Christian stories. This was followed by some dancers, one of whom was a little shy boy, who made me smile. We stopped at another town for lunch and had a game of crib while we waited for our food. Well, half of a game. Lunch arrived midway, and we decided we would play one more hand, then call it quits. Shelley ended up pulling ahead of me in that last hand, but I still insist that if you mutually agree to end a game, then it is a draw! Fair is fair.....The funniest thing was my Freudian slip. There was a Yhatzee game on our table, and looking at it brought back memories of my mom always playing it with her coffee in the mornings. I meant to tell Shelley that mom used to play Yhatzee all the time, but what came out was "Mom used to like playing Nazi." Oops.

Perhaps the most amazing stop at all was just a few miles outside of Tofino. I stopped in the middle of the highway because there was a bear on the side of the road! A baby! Now Shelley has had all sorts of bear encounters, but I have never seen one in the wild. She was a bit freaked out, but I was fascinated and had to pull out the camera. This bear really couldn't care less about us, didn't even give us the time of day. It munched on some grass for awhile, then crawled back into the forest.

We stayed in a beautiful B&B for the two nights we had in Tofino. The woman who owned the place was fabulous, and did her best to try to convince Shelley to move there....there are no plumbers in Tofino, and she could make a killing. From the sounds of it, there are some extremely anal, strict female RCMP officers there, so Shelley would find herself right at home! Me, I could surf and do yoga all day, so I would be perfectly happy there too. A life without McDonalds, Tim Hortons, and shopping malls...such places do exist! Anyway, we spent our time strolling on the beach, walking trails in the rainforest, and dining at extravagent restaurants where you pay lots of money to have your small amount of food ornatley arranged on your fashionable plate. But geez was it good food!

Tofino is kind of a funny place - really all you see are two groups of people: the rich people in their BMWs and Porsches, staying at expensive lodges and doing I-have-no-idea-what, and the hippies in their shaggin' wagons with surfboards tied to the roofs and the unmistakable scent of Mary Jane floating through the windows. And everyone finds a way to co-exist peacefully.

It felt so liberating to be near the ocean again. I spent my time there barefooted, running through the water and enjoying the feel of the sand on my feet. It's so grounding, feeling the earth beneath your feet. We also met a man and his dog, Pal, who were spending the day together on the beach. We kept running in to them, and every time we saw Pal we were reminded of our own dogs. We are just like parents sometimes. It was hard not to call our dogsitter to make sure our favourite canines were ok.

I made poor Shelley shake her head at me a few times. I took lots of pictures, and told her she could takes some if she wanted. At this time it was pouring rain, and I couldn't see anything because my glasses were wet and foggy. I kept lifting my glasses up and down to see what was in front of me. Shelley laughed at me and told me she needed a video camera to capture me - a single picture would never do it! It reminded me of an Ani song (....I have the kind of beauty that moves....).

Anyway, it was crash and burn time for the drive home. I was so tired! About half way back to Victoria I caved in and ate 9.5 timbits. The sugar rush was incredible, and went on to narrate the rest of the journey in Spanish....oh, poor Shelley. I'm so glad the girl just laughs at me.

5 pounds gone!!!

2005-08-29T10:24:00.001-06:00

Today marks one week of my latest dieting scheme. And I just weighed myself - I've already lost 5 pounds! I was shocked! I'm not doing anything exciting or unhealthy. All I'm doing is this:

excercising for a little bit as soon as I get out of bed in the morning. Since I'm living in hotels which don't always have an excerise room, I've got one of those "8 Minutes in the Morning" books. The one I have is for people who don't like lifting weights, so all the exercises use your own body weight for resistance, and instead of doing many repititions, you simply hold the excercise for a longer time until you reach failure. I kind of scoffed at the excercises when I first saw them, but believe me, I feel them! I also do a bit of stretching, just because it feels good.
I'm also forcing myself to eat breakfast every single day. This is the hardest part for me. But from everything I've read, eating breakfast kick-starts your metabolism, which is obviously important for weight loss. Not eating breakfast puts your body into starvation mode, which means you end up losing your muscle mass, not your fat.
I also make sure I eat lunch and dinner, with a snack in between. I make sure I have protein and lots of veggies at each meal. I still eat carbs, but I try to keep it to healthy whole-grain stuff.
I'm carrying a water bottle around with me and making sure I drink lots of water throughout the day.

And that's it! I have even had a chocolate bar, and when I went to a movie, I had some popcorn. And still 5 lbs gone!

Yeah for me!

5 pounds gone!!!

2005-08-29T10:24:00.000-06:00

Today marks one week of my latest dieting scheme. And I just weighed myself - I've already lost 5 pounds! I'm not doing anything exciting or unhealthy. All I'm doing is this:

excercising for a little bit as soon as I get out of bed in the morning. Since I'm living in hotels which don't always have an excerise room, I've got one of those "8 Minutes in the Morning" books. The one I have is for people who don't like lifting weights, so all the exercises use your own body weight for resistance, and instead of doing many repititions, you simply hold the excercise for a longer time until you reach failure. I kind of scoffed at the excercises when I first saw them, but believe me, I feel them! I also do a bit of stretching, just because it feels good.
I'm also forcing myself to eat breakfast every single day. This is the hardest part for me. But from everything I've read, eating breakfast kick-starts your metabolism, which is obviously important for weight loss. Not eating breakfast puts your body into starvation mode, which means you end up losing your muscle mass, not your fat.
I also make sure I eat lunch and dinner, with a snack in between. I make sure I have protein and lots of veggies at each meal. I still eat carbs, but I try to keep it to healthy whole-grain stuff.
I'm carrying a water bottle around with me and making sure I drink lots of water throughout the day.

And that's it! I have even had a chocolate bar, and when I went to a movie, I had some popcorn. And still 5 lbs gone!

Yeah for me!

Inspirations

2005-08-28T11:06:00.000-06:00

One of the best things about dining by yourself is that you are free to listen to all the conversations going on around you. This happened to me last night. I was eating an amazing halibut and shrimp dinner, drinking a glass of Yellowtail Shiraz, and eavesdropping on the family sitting behind me. Two of them, a couple, had just returned from teaching English in Korea. From the sounds of it, although they are both from Vancouver Island, they met and fell in love in Korea. Anyway, I got to hear all about their adventures, the people they met, the memorable food, how many times Air Canada lost their luggage, etc. I could relate to so many of their stories, and I found myself taking part in their conversations in my head. I even chuckled out loud a few times. It got me all excited about going overseas again.

There were two other women at the table (the mothers, I think). They were talking about their weight, and how they had both been working so hard at losing it. One of them had lost 50 pounds and was just soooooo excited about it! She felt she had only 20 pounds left to go, and was struggling with them - they weren't coming off as fast as the first 20 did. But, she was just so positive and energized. It made me feel great! And guilty about all the food I was eating....

Anyway, the point is, I often talk to friends and family about my travels and my desire to shed a few pounds, but I always leave those encounters feeling guilty (for wanting to leave) and discouraged ("but I like you just the way you are, you don't have to lose weight"). But listening in on conversations that have nothing to do with me, but everything to do with me, was totally inspirational!

At long last an update....

2005-08-25T09:39:00.000-06:00

Aaahhh…life has been treating me well these days. Although I’m working full-time, I feel like I’m on a vacation, especially this week. I’ve been working on Vancouver Island and will be here for the next three weeks. I’ve been so consumed in my mind and my heart lately with various life things – mostly concerning where my life is going to go next. Being here, near the ocean, I feel more connected and have been able to just let all those worries float out to sea.

I arrived in Victoria Monday morning and drove up the coast to Campbell River. I stayed at a lovely B&B. The owners had a beautiful golden retriever named Bentley, and of course we connected immediately. This house was right on the banks of the river, and I took him down to the river yesterday morning. He liked to just float in the river….I understood was he was feeling…I like to do that too!

I connect to places so easily – it’s funny that I was sad to leave a place after staying there only one night. But by the time I arrived in Comox I had already forgotten about it and fell in love again with this new town. After checking into my hotel (which was rather regal – complete with red carpeting and a soaker tub), I wandered down to the marina and looked at the boats. I leaned over the dock and stared out at the ocean, enjoying the breeze on my face and the smell of the salt water. My mind had wandered off to who-knows-where, but I was brought back to reality by aggressive splashes in the water. There were two sea otters playing mere feet in front of me. It was so cute! They were flipping this way and that, teasing each other, having fun. It brought me joy, just like the dolphins in Zanzibar and the Maldives did. I had dinner at the marina afterwards, and I giggled at the waitress as she told that it was “white trash Tuesday” meaning the special was pork chops in mushroom sauce served with fries. Sounds like home, eh?

I went for a long walk that night, and I was convinced that the average age of the population was around 72. I didn’t pass many pedestrians on foot, but I passed a good many in their motorized scooter-wheelchairs. But nevertheless, when I was in the hospital this morning, looking at the list of locum docs, I sure got excited about the possibility of spending more time here in that capacity.

So now here I am in Nanaimo. I’m on the 14th floor of a waterfront hotel with a glorious view of the ocean below. I feel so spoiled! And this room has a Murphy bed, which is totally cool. Adds a certain level of funkiness to the room. I am quite content.

my latest dilemna...to md or not to md

2005-07-19T19:13:00.000-06:00

I just finished writing this long, elaborate explanation of my latest obsession, only to somehow erase it all. I suppose I wasn't meant to share it with you. In a nutshell, I'm contemplating med school (I know I do this every year). Everyone I've talked to about this has a different opinion, and this doesn't help me at all. I know what I want to do with my life - my problem is that I don't know how to get there. I know that if I were to become a doctor, all I would have to do is sign up with Doctors Without Borders and spend the rest of my life providing care to those who need it most. Of course, I would have to finish nearly a decade more of school and pay back $100,000 debt first. It seems like an expensive, time consuming means to an end, especially since clinical work isn't really where my interest is! Plus, I have this feeling that I would spend the whole time in excruciating pain, living with the knowledge that there's somewhere else I'm supposed to be!

One person I talked to made the most sense to me - she told me that I am my own worst critic, and that I always underestimate my abilities and qualifications to do the things I want to do. She reminded me that the most creative people in the world don't know that they are that. I realise that med school is the safe route for me (that sounds ridiculous, I know, but it's how I feel!). Taking the chance, putting myself out there, and risking complete and utter failure is the scary thing to do right now. I'm just not sure I'm qualified to go do epi overseas right now - I'd really like to get some experience in Canada first.

So I guess I'm not sure what to do right now. Am I making excuses to go to med school, or making excuses not to go? I've got to make a rather fast decision. My current job will end within the next six months - where do I want to go next? And what happens if I never get there - to this place where I know I belong?

If anyone has the magic answer, I'd love to hear it. And don't tell me to follow my heart. I know that already.

Camping adventures

2005-07-07T22:19:00.000-06:00

Last weekend Shelley and I went camping to Kananaskis, which is one of my most favourite places ever. I was working in Calgary the week before, and am still here in Calgary. Shelley packed up the camping equipment and the dogs, picked me up in my hotel, and off we went. We chose to take the scenic route out to Kananaskis from Canmore - in part because I forgot the dogs' leashes in my car and we had to buy news ones, and in part because the long and winding road up the mountains and around the sparkling turquoise crystal clear lakes is breathtakingly beautiful.

Despite a few hurdles (the entire provincial park was full and we had to pack up each morning and move to a different campsite), we had a fantastic trip. The weather was amazing, the dogs were a pleasure to have around (at least when they weren't trying to sleep on our heads in the tent), and life is just always better in the mountains. They are such a spiritual place for me. There is something about the way the peaks of mountains look against the sky - it's kind of like they don't belong there, but they choose to be there anyway.

We did a couple of great hikes - one up Mt Indefatiguable, and the other all the way around the upper lake. I've done both hikes many times before and love them. This is why I had to share them with Shelley - she loved them just as much as me, and that makes me so happy! The hike up the mountain gives you an incredible view of the valley below and the upper and lower lakes. On the way up we encountered a group of Japanese tourists coming down. One of them was trying to take a picture of the view, I assumed. I was wrong. She actually wanted a picture of Shelley and I with the dogs! This is the first time I've been in someone else's tourist pictures! It turns out that they recognized the Akita in Casper - a dog loved in Japan. We had a fun chat with the tour group, and then continued the grueling climb to the top. At the top we met three other couples who seemed to be amazing people. Both Shelley and I felt blessed to be in the company of such people. So often in the city all you encounter is snobby people, or angry people, or people who just want nothing to do with you for whatever reason. It is always a blessing to encounter people who are the opposite...

The hike around the lake always stuns me. You encounter dozens of different ecosystems on this hike - landslides, waterfalls, marshes, rain-forest-like terrain, old forest fires, and on, and on. It's a good 18km, but every km is beautiful. It's just a perfect mix of all the elements and leaves you completely renewed by the end of it.

Geez I'm tired.....bedtime for this girl.

More funky dreams....

2005-06-22T08:55:00.000-06:00

So the other night I had the strangest dream....I was walking through the forest with a wolf who was talking to me. It's not like he was actually physically talking to me, but we were walking together, and there was a Native voice talking to me, and it was just obvious it was coming from the wolf. Strangely, the wolf had the energy of Casper. Anyway, it was telling me how to love the Earth, and how to take care of the Earth, and the circle of life, and how to love, even those whom I don't want to love. The wolf then disappeared and left me in a large field filled with joyful rabbits, who I jumped around and danced with. I woke up feeling a large sense of responsibility.

The other bit of strangeness is that Louis Riel has been popping into my life lately. For those of you who don't know Canadian history, Riel was a Metis leader who led his people in a revolution against the Canadian government in Manitoba in the 1800s. He was a rather contoversial person, and some say he was even crazy. In the end, he was hung for treason, although how fighting for your own land is treason, I have no idea. Anyway, when I went to Winnipeg a few weeks ago, I started a book called The Diviners by Margaret Laurence, having no idea what it was about, or that it took place in rural Manitoba. The book is basically about a middle-aged woman, who is a writer, trying to understand the strange antics of her teenaged daughter, by reliving her own younger years. Anyway, while I was on a tour of Winnipeg, the tour guide told many stories about Riel, both historical stories and the stories passed down to him from his elders. Later on, in Grande Prairie, I continued reading this book, and each of the main characters tell their stories of Riel, also passed down to them from their elders. Each character told the same story, with a slightly different slant, or with slightly different details, based on how their elders experienced the revolution. Anyway, it made me realize that everyone has their own truth....

Trip to Grande Prairie

2005-06-17T11:50:00.000-06:00

Grande Prairie turned out to be much better than I thought it would be. It is really quite beautiful here, both in terms of the friendliness of the people and the landscape. I chose to stay at a B&B, rather than another dreary hotel, and boy am I ever glad that I did. If you ever have reason to come to Grande Prairie, I highly recommend staying at Maple Meadows Country B&B. It is owned by a retired couple from Edmonton, and they run a top-notch establishment here. The yard is lush and green, and very quiet. The house is a perfect blend of country simplicity and modernity. My room is amazing – big, fluffy queen sized bed, a lovely soaker tub, a big red leather chair parked in front of the satellite TV and the fireplace, the private balcony, the fresh flowers on a table in the corner….this has turned out feeling more like a vacation and less like work. And don’t get me started on the breakfasts – I feel like I am getting way more than what I’ve paid for!

The people of Grande Prairie have been so kind to me, both in the hospital and out-and-about. They have a great trail system here, and last night I went for a run. True story! I actually ran. Don’t ask me where the motivation for doing such a thing came from. I got the giggles because there are frequent signs reminding trail users of the presence of moose and bears. Of course I thought of Shelley and her bear attack. Anyway, people always smiled and said hello to me. It’s nice to be in cities where this happens on a regular basis. Grande Prairie is used to seeing lots of business people (in fact this city has the highest number of millionaires per capita of all cities in Canada) and tourists (it’s a gateway to the North). This comes in handy – wait staff are used to seeing lone diners in their restaurants and are quick to offer magazines and newspapers to their patrons. The people in the hospital were amazing as well – so helpful and chatty. Some days I spent more time talking than working (this is not unusual for me!!). Of course the presence of another lesbian in the department didn’t help matters much.... :)

Despite the chatting, I managed to finish my patients early and decided to drive to Fairview to view a couple of patient charts. It was about an hour’s drive, and it was beautiful – very green and hilly. I especially enjoyed driving down into the Dunvegan valley and over the largest suspension bridge in Alberta. Fairview is your typical Albertan small town: no fast food joints, lots of hardware stores, all the lamp posts on Main Street had baskets of flowers hanging on them, and every house had a vegetable garden out back. The hospital had a boot rack at the entrance, and there were actually boots sitting on them! The health records staff knew the charts by the patient’s name rather than their number. And again, they were so chatty! And unlike the small towns Shelley and I encountered in the Badlands, the theme song to Deliverance never once came to mind!

On the way back to Grande Prairie I stopped at the Dunvegan Provincial park and took a wander around, learning about the history of the area, from when the North West Trading Company came, to when the Hudson’s Bay Company took over, from the arrival of the missionaries, to the signing of Treaty 8 with the Natives of the area. I always enjoy a good history lesson, and a good walk down by the river.

Anyway, I head home tomorrow morning. I’m anxious to see Shelley and the dogs!! And I wonder where I will get sent to next….Calgary I think!

The story of Molly

2005-06-08T12:36:00.000-06:00

I forgot to write about this major event earlier - Shelley and I got a puppy! To make a long story short, we found Molly and thought she would be a great dog for my brother. His wife obviously wears the pants in their relationship, and vetoed the dog. So, Shelley and I decided to keep her. She is an absolute delight and has the face of an angel. She is a retriever cross, 8 months old, and has attitude. She takes none of Casper's guff, and in fact gives it right back. I'll keep you posted on Molly, as I'm sure she will provide me with lots of stories to tell...

Gooooing to Winnipeg!

2005-06-08T12:10:00.000-06:00

Here I am in rainy, dreary Winnipeg. I'm on a lunch break waiting for the next event. Despite the wet weather here, the unfortunate lack of hot water in my hotel, and the fact that my flight here was delayed by over an hour, I am having a blast! It started with the flight (once I actually got on it!) where I got to sit at the front with my legs stretched out in front of me. I spent some quality time with my book, then fell asleep for the rest of the flight. The taxi ride to the hotel has definitely been a highlight so far. The driver is from the Sudan, and he has just published a book on village life in Africa. We got on the topic by him telling me all the festivals Winnipeg has in the summer, one of which is similar to our Heritage Days in Edmonton. He went on to talk about the importance of experiencing other culturs and enhancing your world view - the basis of his boook is the moment in his childhood when he realized there was life beyond his village. I'ver got his website and will definitely read his book.

This morning I walked to the Health Sciences Centre for the first day of the conference. It was a nice walk....Winnipeg feels a lot like Edmonton, only a bit smaller and a bit older. In fact, I forgot I was even in Winnipeg a couple of times. I had some problems getting my poster up. The velcroe was only sticking on one side and the thumb-tacks I had the forsight to bring in the event of velcroe failure kept popping out of the board. I felt myself getting frustrated, but then I would just look at my poster and remember Uganda and all the obstacles I faced there, and then I realized that this was not a big deal. Evenutally I got the damn poster to stay. Several other people didn't bring tacks, so I was a bit of a heroine, the tack-supplier.

I had my judging first thing this morning with two basic scientists whose first language was not English (isn't that a nice way of saying it?). It was a bit frustrating, but at the end of my talk they asked very good questions, so I know they understood me. After that was over, I felt free to be able to sit back and enjoy everything.

I spent the entire morning at "the lab" - the only level 4 containment lab in Canada, and the only facility housing both animal and human labs/pathogens in the world. It houses every single major deadly pathogen known to man, including ebola/marburg, lassa fever, some of the hanta viruses, etc. It was pretty damn exciting. Inside the labs just looked like labs - what was so fascinating was all the containment and security measures in place. Since they obviously couldn't take us in to the level 4 area, they showed us a video on how you first enter the low-pressure containment area, inflate your space suit, get into your space suit, and hook into your oxygen supply. They communicate to each other and to the control office by radios inside the suits. As exciting as the whole thing sounds, to have to spend your whole day in one of those things (it takes 20 minutes!) would be a huge pain in the ass, I think. We also got to see the area below the labs where are all of the waste goes to get decontaminated. We went above the labs as well to see the hepa filters where all of the air coming out of the labs gets filtered before leaving - the entire building has extremely clean air.

The building has this central communications office with 12 big TV screens where they moniter global outbreaks and all the major news channels. It is also very high security, and no papers are allowed to come out of there. It either stays in the room or gets shredded. We also got the see "the store". Before getting dressed in your suit (or scrubs, if you're working in a level 3 area) you go to pick out your underwea, bras, and scrubs. They have every brand, in every size. Isn't that insane? All personnel have to shower before leaving the containment area, and they also supply whatever kind of shampoo you want (I should've asked if they have Aveda).

Everything about this building is smart - from the way they mixed and poured the concrete to make sure there would be no pinholes or cracks, to the way they didn't tile the ceiling to ensure easy access to fix things, to the way they arranged things so that you could replace a broken lightbulb from above without having to actually go into the lab. It was a neat tour.

And of course I've made some friends. I've met a girl who did her undergrad at the UoA and liked my poster because she had recently been on an East African tour. I met another girl from Dalhousie who is just finishing her PhD and wants to come to Edmonton for her postdoc. And I've met this hilarious guy from UBC who also did a project on TB. And to top it all off, I ran into someone I did my undergrad with. It was strange running in to her - I haven't seen her in 8 years, but I think of her often. She said the same thing. We have plans to meet up tomorrow.

So it's been good. I have to head off now - it's a tour of the city, then a river boat cruise. Ciao!

The UN: the good, the bad, the ugly

2005-05-26T11:59:00.000-06:00

Many people have lost all faith in the UN, and in international organizations in general. I understand the reasons why - I've just finished reading Shake Hands with the Devil, Romeo Dallaire's account of his role in the UN's mission to Rwanda during the genocide in the mid 1990s. However, I have recently been reminded of the good accomplishments the UN makes and I'd thought I'd share. A blog called Democracy Arsenal list 10 things the UN does well. And while I don't agree with all of the items on the list, a few stand out for me, particularly aid to refugees and fighting AIDS.

I first saw this list on the AIDS Matters newsletter.

Feeling human again...

2005-05-24T11:26:00.000-06:00

Camping was exactly what I needed. I feel refreshed, rejuventated, and happy. And broke, but hey, it was worth it. Shelley and I drove down to Drumheller Friday afternoon. It was a lovely ride, I managed to stay awake, and we just chit-chatted all the way there. Once we arrived, we realized rather quickly that we are both camping snobs with extremely high expectations of the camping experience. We are both used to camping in pristine, secluded, private, quiet, wild, campgrounds. There is nothing of the sort to be found in Drumheller. We spent as much time driving around the area than we did to get there in the first place just trying to find a suitable campground. There were massive, crowded RV and trailor parks, but nothing tailoring to tenters. After deliberating whether or not we should turn around and drive to the mountains, we decided that we could suck it up and make the best of what we had in Drumheller. So we settled for a nice patch of grass along the Red Deer River at Pinters Campground. We called this home for the remainder of the long weekend.

We were both completely and utterly exhausted by the time we had everything set up. I built a top-notch fire which we enjoyed for no more than an hour before collapsing in bed. Of course neither one of us slept that night - we had hooligan drunken neighbors that wouldn't shut up all night. It wouldn't have been so bad, but they were a girl's rugby team and spent half the night talking about the butchy lesbians on their team and just being assholes about it. Homophobic bastards. Geez. On top of that, Casper felt the need to sleep on top of my legs the whole night. So did Shelley. Needless to say, I woke up cranky, tired, and very stiff.

Shelley wasn't much happier. But she cooked me a wonderful breakfast, and we decided to make the most of the day. So we packed up a lunch and hopped in the truck and headed out to sight see. First stop - the public swimming pool for a shower (they sell them for $1). They were closed. Damn. Then it was off to Fields to buy be a hat to cover my horrific hair. I took my camera out to take a picture only to find my camera batteries were dead. Then it was off to the IGA to buy new ones. By this time the comedy of errors actually became funny, and our bad moods turned into good ones.

So by the time we made it to the Hoodoos, we were in high spirits. Of course when I see a mountain I need to climb it, so rather than sitting around saying "well ain't that pretty", we put Casper on her leash and climbed the big hill behind the hoodoos. We had a blast, especially Casper, who acted like she had died and gone to doggy heaven. It was steep, and I was only wearing my sandals. At one point I lost my footing and started sliding down the hill. I called out to Shelley "I'm fine! I'm just falling down the hill!" with shreaks of laughter. She laughed at me from the top of the hill. It was a hoot!

Later that afternoon we drove across the 11 bridges to Wayne to see the Last Chance Saloon. We weren't all that impressed by it, but were rather intrigued by the group of lesbians camping out there! We drove on further to another little town and wandered through an old school that had been converted into a museum. The woman working there had all sorts of stories to tell about "the old days" and the mining families and what it was like growing up there during the war. It was fun, and we spent a lot of time speculating about how different our lives would've been back then.

We then headed off further down the road to tour the old Atlas Coal Mine. It is the only all-wooden mine left in Canada. We got to climb up the timble and see how they sorted the coal, and the horrible conditions they had to work under. We learned all about how eastern Europeans came to the Drumheller valley to escape the wars and hardships so common there in the early 1900s. We were told about how each little village had it's own ethnicity (one was Polish, another Hungarian, another Ukranian), but how at work in the mine you could hear all the languages. We heard stories of men who worked for up to 9 years to save enough money to bring their wives and families to Canada, and how they kept themselves in the company of miners' daughters in the meantime. We learned about how it was a real boomtime in the valley during WWII, and then how mines started slowly closing down as natural gas became more popular. Now, these once lively villages are nothing but ghost towns.

After such a full day, we got back to our campsite hungry and looking forward to a quite night, which we got, thank God. I made a fantastic supper on the fire, and we sat and started into the flames all night long......sigh....

While Saturday was all about the coal and the history of the valley, Sunday was about the dinosaurs. We went to the Royal Tyrrell Museum first thing, and spent a good three hours there. We had a lot of laughs, teasing each other and imitating the dinosaurs, and looking at all the cute chidlren, daydreaming about the day when we get to have our own. It was pretty fantastic. After a nice lunch back at the tent, we headed out for a hike through the badlands. It was sooooo hot, but we walked for a good couple of hours. We saw a coyote (fortunately Casper didn't). It was a nice walk, although I was soooo tired.

Poor Casper was tormented the whole weekend. There was a baby beagle there named Jeremy who looooooved Casper. Casper tends to eat other dogs, so she stayed on a long leash the whole time. Jeremy knew to stay away, but he would come just close enough to Casper to drive her nuts. It was so funny watching them. In fact, one morning, while we were still sleeping, Jeremy was scratching out the outside of the tent, and poor Casper jsut howled! Shelley and I were hysterical. It was so funny. There also two yellow labs, both puppies, who enjoyed Casper, as well as her food. Jeremy just wanted to be involved in all the doggy activities. The labs were wrestling with each other, and Jeremy came leaping towards them with a both in her mouth, an you could just imagine him saying "can i play? can I play? I brought my own ball". I guess you had to be there....

Anyway, after a quick stop at Reptile World to admire all the frogs (love 'em), turtles (love 'em) and snakes (hate 'em), it was time to head home. We stopped at Horseshoe Canyon for a look on the way out. Turns out you can climb down into the canyon, and of course we couldn't resist that opportunity! And I slept all the way home. Poor Shelley.

The weekend was amazing for us. We somehow have a way of just laughing through all of our stresses. We were just so connected the whole time.....fantastic.

Fieldtrips and dreams

2005-05-20T12:11:00.000-06:00

I love fieldtrips! I went on my first one for work yesterday. It was only to Vegreville, not very exciting, but hey, I got to see the world's largest Ukrainian egg! It was fun hopping in the car and going for a drive and knowing I was getting paid for it. It was a nice day, I had the windows rolled down and CKUA playing loud....I was in heaven for 200km. I drove past Elk Island, and everything is so green and beautiful. I had the urge to pull over and run bare-footed in the grass. I didn't, but I should've. And I saw lots of baby cows too. Sometimes I forget to take time to just slow down and breathe - being stuck on the middle of the Trans Canada Highway gives you nothing but time to breathe (not slow down, mind you!). So I came home from work feeling somewhat refreshed. Until, of course, I looked at my schedule and realized exactly how much crap I still have to do, and then I started wondering why I just spent 2 hours in a car when I couldn've been working on said crap.

Anyway, small towns have a funny feel to them. Especially small farming towns. As I found my way to the hospital I had a screenplay for a small-town suspense murder mystery all planned out in my head. It was also strange being in a small town hospital - such a different atmosphere from the U of A. You can tell that the doctors know their patients from the notes they take. One nurse actually wrote "he says his ears are ringing like he has 2 John Deers in his head". I giggled right out loud. As I sat in the little office they gave me to do my work, I listened to the staff giggle and gossip out in the hallway (did you hear about so and so? what do you think of so and so's hair?). Kept me entertained.

And then last night I had the strangest dream! I dreamed that some horrible natural disaster happened and wiped away half of the human population. What remained were 2 groups of people: one group felt that all that was left of the Earth should be redistributed and shared equally among the survivors; the other group wanted to kill off the first group and keep everything to themselves. I was in my parents' house (my dad survived too). Everyone was outside screaming, and I was in the kitchen making a snack and having a glass of water. Dad told me I need to get out there and fight for what I believe in. I told him that I would, but that I needed to calm myself down first, that I would be more effective if my head was firmly on my shoulders. So I finished eating and went outside. There were dead bodies everywhere, and people were working to pile them up and cover them. All of the people who wanted to share the planet were trying to make their way to some sort of peaceful area, while the other group shot at them.

Someone threw a gun at me and told me to use it to protect myself - I told them I stood for peace and didn't want a gun. They told me to use it only for protection, and nothing else. A young boy came running at me, pointing the gun at me and getting ready to fire. I didn't hesitate to pick up the gun - someone was yelling instructions at me on how to use it. I aimed and fired at this kid, but instead of bullets coming out, only red ink came out. The others behind me started screaming, saying that we had been tricked. But I discovered my aim was perfect, so I aimed for this kid's right eye and kept shooting this ink at him - he went blind, dropped his gun, and ran away.

I made my way to the HQ of our group, which strangley was run by the man who wrote my favourite yoga book. HQ was based out of a store that sold homemade beaded jewelery on one side and eyeglasses on the other. It was all in shambles and the walls were cracking and there was no power or electricity. I gave him a novel that was a fictional story describing exactly what was happening to the world now (iot was like an Orwell book or something) - we put it up on the wall as a reminder that the good can win.

Strange one, eh?

Anyways...off to Drumheller for the weekend!

No, it's not that time of the month...

2005-05-18T15:52:00.000-06:00

I have been so emotional lately! I handed in my thesis (big, huge sigh of relief) and ever since then I have been rediscovering the fact that I am actually a human being. All of a sudden I remember that there are feelings other than frustration, despair, pressure and stress. I burst out laughing over the silliest little things. And I cried last night watching American Idol because Bo sent chills down my spine with one of his songs. Of course there's a good chance that I am just over-tired and it's all catching up to me...

Thankfully Shelley and I are going camping this weekend. Both of us are counting down the hours now. We have not been able to spend much time together because I had been devoting every night until 4am to my thesis. And beyond that, it's always refreshing to get out of the city. I had originally planned to not bring anything that even remotely resembles the written word, but I have changed my mind - I'm reading The Time Traveler's Wife and it is fantastic, so it's coming with me. I'm not sure I could part with it for a whole weekend!

FUCK!

2005-05-09T11:08:00.000-06:00

I am sitting here bored at work. Do people not know that I do not have TIME to be BORED at the moment??!!! I have to hand in my thesis in 4 days. I found out on the weekend that a pain-in-the-ass paper I wrote at my last job is being published in BMJ (this is a HUGE thing - I'm not sure too many medical academics can say they got their very first paper ever to be published accepted by BMJ). And while I am extremely happy and impressed, I am also miserable because revisions have to be sent to the journal in 4 DAYS! Also, I have to have a first draft of the poster I will be presenting at a conference next month in to my supervisor in 4 DAYS! Also, my supervisor wants me to present my thesis at another conference in the fall, and the application deadline for that one is in 4 DAYS! Are you catching the importance of the next 4 days!

Well, to top it all off, my colleague (aka the only other one working on this project) is going for surgery next week and only has these next 4 days here at work. This means that the next 4 days at work are also going to be extremely hellish as we prepare me to do the work of two for the next 6 weeks. And now, while I should be working, I am sitting here writing in my blog because we cannot continue on to the next phase of the project without approval from the primary investigator, who is too busy to give it to us at the moment. So while there are 435399000 other things I could be doing at the moment to meet all of these flipping deadlines, I can't! I would be infinitely happier if I could suddenly fake a stroke or something and go home and work on my thesis....

Crap. If it weren't for Shelley doing my laundry and feeding me this last week, I don't know how I would have survived.

If I don't update blog anytime soon, assume that I am burried under a pile of unfinished papers and posters....call in the medics.

Hitler's daughter?

2005-04-26T17:11:00.000-06:00

I need to write more often so that I don't sit here at my computer with 5638395 thoughts to type out. I've been so busy....not that this is ever an excuse! I have been locked in my apartment working ferociously on my thesis. Thankfully I'm handing the thing in on May 13th and it will be out of my hair for a little while, at least. I'm sure Shelley will be happy when my extreme bitchiness wears off.....working on my thesis puts me in a mood, particularly when there is a multitude of other things I could be doing out in the sunshine....

I had to do a driving test today - it's part of the new requirements to be covered by university insurance when I rent cars for work. Of course I was nervous - everyone teases me about my driving (apparently I'm crazy) so I thought for sure I was going to flunk. But I didn't. I did super well, actually. The evaluator was an ex-cop, and he got a bit of a chuckle out of me. He said I am one of the most aggressive drivers he's ever been in the passenger seat of, and that I am definitely the most aggressive female driver he's encountered. I was partly honored and partly ashamed of his proclamation. He said I'm a good driver and will never have troubles driving in busy cities. I beg to differ - I have no patience for slow-moving traffic.

We signed Shelley up at the gym the other day. It's nice to have a workout partner. Actually, I didn't have to convince her much. She's been so impressed with my energy levels during the day, that she wanted to give it a try. Anyway, she joined the gym Thursday night, and I dragged her kicking and screaming to the gym Friday after work. She really, really, really didn't want to go....you know the typical excuse..."I'll start Monday". Uh uh, no way. Somewhere between home and the gym Shelley asked me if I was Hitler's daughter.....I laughed and laughed and laughed. You should have seen the look on her face - you would've thought that I was dragging her off to her death. The funny thing about all of this was how great she did at the gym, and how awesome she said she felt afterwards. And she learned the hardest gym lesson of all - overcoming the pain-in-the-ass mental/psychological obstacle to actually getting to the gym. Once you get your shoes on, it gets easier....except for maybe the last few minutes of cardio - by the time I get to the 40th minute I am sooooo bored, it's harder on my mind to finish than it is on my body.

And I have now lost 7 pounds....so I am encouraged. Although I still have some major body image issues when I'm at the gym - having skinny little fit buff Shelley beside me doesn't help! But I'm working on that........

I met the owner of the place where I do my yoga the other day, and he is the most incredible man - so encouraging, such great energy. We talked for quite some time, and in just one conversation he taught me so much. I love that place and all the people that go there. Sometimes when we're sitting in the lobby waiting for our class to start the person next to me will start chatting to me, and in 3 minutes we'll share the highlights of our day. I find this just amazing...

Anyway...I need to go eat supper and get to work on my thesis. Oh yippee skippy.

it's a blessing to be so easily impressed

2005-04-12T17:10:00.000-06:00

So I've survived my first week at the new job. I love it so far. My co-worker is fantastic, we get along great, and manage to get a lot of laughs in during the day. The project I'm working on is a bit of a logistic nightmare, and I think that's why I like it so much....everything is a problem that needs to be solved - lots of thinking, lots of decision-making. This is the stuff I need. So I've been feeling very fulfilled lately. To top it all off, I made some more progress on my thesis over the weekend, so although I'm still waaaaaaay stressed about it, at least I have momentum, which is the greatest motivator for me.

Shelley and I talk often about all the places I'm going to get to go to. I haven't been to any of these places, and although I'm sure they're completely boring, I'm still exciting to see them, and to run around and take funky pictures. I get to spend a bit of time up in northern BC, and when I asked Shelley what the heck I'm going to do there, her first response was "be very careful and watch out for bears". She would know, since these were her old stomping grounds and she has actually been attacked by a bear, believe it or not. (In the end, her and her buddy were rescued safely, but the bear was killed - apparently the ranger people thought the bear was a bit crazy and would likely kill again). I told her I would go walking with pots and pans to scare them away.

I've been getting up at 5:45 to go to the gym. Impressive, eh? I'm somewhat addicted to the gym at the moment...at least I have a healthy outlet for stress. I still hate mornings and am grumpy until I actually start exercising, then I realize it's all worth it. Maybe one day it will get a bit easier to wake up so darn early.

I've been getting little reminders lately about how much I love this world we live in and it's diversity of culture. I was walking home from work the other day and I caught a glimpse of an old brick apartment building. There were beautiful plants growing in someone's window, and a shiny thing hanging about them that was capturing the sunlight. It was just so beautiful. I had a flashback to various homes and buildings I have seen in my travels, and I was filled with a total sense of love for the world, and an intense desire to see more of it. I love these moments, ones where you are moved by what seems to be the ordinary. So I guess I should have no worries about Fort St John and the like...I'm sure to find something that will impress me.

What a slacker!

2005-04-03T11:54:00.000-06:00

It's been weeks since I posted, sorry about that. Time flies when you're procrastinating!! Or maybe you simply start losing track of time once you turn 29...yep, that's right, I had a birthday a few days ago, the big 2-9. Hooray for me. 29 and still in school. Look at me go! Actually, I feel great. I've got 82 pages of my thesis written already, it's great work as far as I'm concerned, I start a new job tomorrow, and I'm totally excited about it, the weather's fantastic, the sun is shining, what more can I ask for?

I've gotten in the habit of taking Casper, Shelley's dog, out for big long walks, and I find these walks to be the highlight of my day. This dog is an amazing creature, she's got such great energy, and it simply feels good to be around her. Watching her jump around and run and express such true happiness is like a breath of fresh air. So whenever I start feeling like I've been indoors too much, or overstimulated from working on my thesis, or just needing some down-time on my own, Casper and I head out to the park.

I've been on this kick lately, trying to find things and people that feed my spirit. Casper and walks are definitely part of that. And so is the Ashtanga yoga I've been doing latelty. A colleague of mine recommended this style of yoga to me, and since the classes are held two blocks away from my apartment, I thought I would give it a go. Turns out I LOVE it. I feel completely rejuvenated for days after my yoga class. As a result, I've started doing it on my own at home, and since it's been so warm here the last few days, I've been rolling out my yoga mat and doing sun salutations on my balcony in the mornings, with the sun shining on my face. What an amazing way to start my day!

I've also been visiting a chiropracter lately who has given me so much more freedom in my life. I haven't coughed, or had a headache, or even had a stiff neck or shoulders since visiting her, which has enabled me to be as active as I like to be. Ive been going to the gym on an extremely regular basis, and this makes me feel great too. All of this has given me a tremendous amount of energy. Look at me go! On top of it all, this "new" lifestyle has changed my eating patterns...I no longer crave sugar nearly as much as I used to. Although I still need a chocolate fix every once in awhile.

Anyway, there's my update. Nothing new and exciting. Oh, except that Shelley and I bought a ticket for the Full House Lottery. Consider yourself invited to the house-warming party once we win the house of our dreams! Casper is going to love the big-ass back yard!!!

why are things that cause pain sooooo much fun?

2005-03-11T17:02:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here typing a blog entry because quite frankly the thought of actually lifting myself out of my chair and walking the 3.1 km home is way too daunting. I went snowboarding for the frist time in my life last night, and although I lived to tell about it, I almost wish I hadn't, just so I didn't have to endure this pain!!! That said, I had a blast, loved it, and can't wait to torture myself on the slopes again. I'm told the second time is easier.....we'll see. A friend of mine teaches unsuspecting fools such as myself how to snowboard, and according to her, I am a freak of nature. The one thing I can do really well on a snowboard is get off the chairlift. She's never seen a first-timer ace this task. So good for me!

On another note, that job I was commiserating about in my last entry...well....I took the position and I start in a few weeks. It was hard giving my notice at my current job, believe it or not. And being asked by the boss what she could do to change my mind about it just made it even more difficult. But I am excited about starting something new. And excited about seeing more of Alberta and BC...lots of time to brush up on my French and photography...

We had our very last hockey game the other night. We lost 2-0, but we played the top team in the league (who, by the way, only lost 3 games all season, 2 of which were against us). We played with only 9 skaters, and missing our top 2 goal scorers. So given the circumstances, I think we did awesome. It was sad for me, though, because my new work schedule may not allow me to play hockey again next year....that will be so hard for me!

Aaah well...my whining about my aching bones got me a ride home....so I'll sign off for now...

oh, to be able to afford pomegranate juice

2005-03-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I really hate being broke. Usually I can just deal with it, but lately it has been my numero uno cause of stress. Especially since I finally caved in and went to see a chiropractor, who so nicely informed me that I am completely out of whack. She is suggesting I see her 3 times a week for a month, and then drop down to 2 times a week for a bit, then once per week, and then finally once each month. Although I don't deny I need it, I can't afford it. So what's a girl to do? I haven't had a single headache since I started chiro. That is pretty spectacular. On top of it all, I keep seeing pomegranate juice in the grocery store, and I have heard so much about it's amazing nutritional properties, I feel I must try it....but at $5 for a teenie weenie bottle, I'm not going to be trying it any time soon!

Which leads me to the next thing. I need advice. I recently applied for a job. It is not a step up for me by any stretch of the imagination, but it pays significantly more (I'm talking about $9/hour more) and offers benefits. Plus, it involves lots of travel all over Alberta and BC. Since we all know how much I love airports, hotels, and roadtrips, this sounds like heaven to me. Well, I asked my superior at work to be a reference for me, which she agreed to. Then, completely out of the blue, I get called in to our office manager's office, and she tells me that they really, really don't want me to leave, and offered to up my salary, possibly give me benefits, etc. Now I feel this incredible sense of loyalty to my current place of work. They go out of there way to accomidate me, I would feel awful to leave them. But if I were offered this other position, it has some other benefits that would make me sooooo happy, and give me the opportunity to do some things for me that I have been denying myself, like lots of alone time, like my long walks, like learning a second language. What else would I do out in the middle of nowhere, in a hotel, for weeks at a time? I just don't know what to do.

I am not in the proper mental space right now to be going gung-ho for a top-notch epi job. This I know for sure. I still need to finish that damn thesis (and I am actually making terrific progress and suspect that it will be done by the end of the month), and on top of that, since I have been neglecting myself for quite some time, I need to get my body and my health and my emotional well-being back on track. I know that I will be much, much, much more successful at whatever I do (especially if it means moving to another city or going overseas) if I get stronger in these areas.

I started Ashtanga yoga last week and I absolutely loved it. The teacher is amazing, the room we do it in is amazing, my classmates are all wonderful. I felt like I belonged there, and was surrounded by like-minded people. That alone was a huge thing for me. I have found lately that I have been surrounded by people who don't think the same way I do, who don't have the same goals and values as me. I feel like I could spend hours trying to tell them where I'm at, and they just wouldn't understand. I overheard a conversation between two women at yoga, and craved to be a part of it, because they were articulating my thoughts perfectly. How sad is that???

I am sick. Again. I just got over the flu, which was horrible. I had a whole day of being somewhat energetic, and then I got a bad cold which turned into a nasty antibiotic-requiring infection in my ears, throat, and lungs. When will it end? I hate being sick. It's boring. There's only so much resting a person can do!

the flu sucks

2005-02-28T14:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry it’s been so long. Time for an update. I’ve been sick, sick, sick, and really all I’ve done in the past 3 weeks is sleep, sleep some more, and then sleep again. I’m starting to feel better now, although my ideas of what my body can do these days seem somewhat ambitious. My mind is ready to get on with things, but my body would like to be lazy a little bit longer. However, I know that laziness begets laziness, so I’m just going to force myself to become active again, although I’ll do it pole pole (slowly….why am I letting Swahili slip in here????). Anyway, a few noteworthy things have happened, so here’s a a summary:

The other night Shelley and I went to this spirit medium circle thing. Neither one of us knew what we were getting into, but because of circumstance we ended up there, and decided to stick it out. Turns out it was an opportunity to converse with the dead. I’m serious. I was cynically sceptical at first, but then the moderator started saying things about people that she just couldn’t have known. Anyway, I received a nice message to give to Darren from his father regarding an up-coming wedding in the family, and I also was reassured from my grandfather that he watches out from me and keeps me on track. When I relayed this to my father later that night, he told me that when I was about 7 years old I had a recurring dream that I was falling out of an airplane and grandpa caught me. So maybe it’s true…..

What else…hmmm…Shelley and I saw a few movies. In my continued addiction to everything African, we saw “Shake Hands with the Devil” and “Hotel Rwanda”. The genocide from the point of view of the Canadian in charge of the failed UN mission to Rwanda on one hand, and the point of view of Tutsi refugees hiding out in a hotel on the other. I get so ANGRY at the world sometimes. When will we ever learn? Both movies disturbed me for days. And on a lighter note, we saw “Hitch”. Enough said.

I spent the long weekend dog sitting for a friend. It was not the funnest thing in the world, living in someone else’s house when are sick. But it was worth it - she gave me a whole bunch of movie passes, hence I was able to see the ones mentioned above.

At some point in time I took a couple of weeks off and finished the Results chapter of my thesis. That felt good, let me tell you. I have another 2 days off starting tomorrow to polish off another chapter.

Shelley and I went for a country drive the other day…the sun was shining and it felt so good on my face through the window of her truck. We stopped at a small café in a small town for lunch…yummy….homemade food.

I may be starting a new job at the end of March - I haven’t decided if I’m going to take it. It would be fun, but totally not challenging or resume-building – just something more healthy to pass the time until I can do what I really want to do. Which leads me into the numero uno dilemma - what the hell to do with my life once the thesis is done. Go overseas, don’t go overseas. What’s a girl to do!!!! Of course I feel my calling is to go overseas, but can I afford it? Would it be wise to get a “normal” job as my mom would call it and pay off my student loans before going to serve to impoverished people of the world for next-to-no money? To make things even more excruciatingly difficult, other opportunities keep popping up and I have no idea what to do about them. None of them are in Alberta, and it’s hard to think about moving away when you are as sick as a dog and don’t have enough energy to walk to the toilet.
I realize that I need to stop thinking about the future and enjoy the moment. So, in light of this, I’m taking a sweat yoga class, starting tonight. Should be good for me…Mondays will be great – sweat yoga followed by L-Word with the girls. Nice!

I guess that’s all for now.

hockey, hockey, and more hockey

2005-02-10T15:38:00.000-07:00

Stingers in Edson Feb 2005

It appears I'm getting a tad bit lazy with this blogging business. It could be because all I've done for the past week or two is HOCKEY! I just learned how to add pictures to my blog, so above you can see my beloved hockey team partaking in debauchery...oh, it was good times. I'm looking forward to next week, when there will be no unrealistic demands on my body, just on my mind, as I attempt to actually bite the bullet and write my pain-in-the-ass thesis. I'll keep you posted as I slowly descend into the madness only academia can induce....

I'm on a new kick....

2005-02-03T14:26:00.000-07:00

....although it's related to my passion for international health. In my last post I wrote a bit about the relationship between humanitarian aid and military intervention. Well, in trying to learn more about it, I have found myself quite intrigued by international humanitarian law: political prisoners, prisoners of war, casualties of war, the role of capitivity and torture in war, the Geneva Conventions and so on. I'm intrigued by the role of medical personnel in war. It all has me rather excited at the moment.

When I sit down and think about what I want to do when I grow up, I get all energized and motivated when I think about working overseas. However, I get all stressed when I think about working in development because of my experience with NGOs in Africa - the lack of collaboration and cooperation, the wasteful spending of money, the concentration in urban areas and avoidance of rural areas and the people who need their services the most, the whole expat ghetto thing...it just angers me. But when I think of high-stress emergency situations - war, natural disasters, refugees, civil unrest - and what I can do in these situations, I feel motivated.

But despite this motivation, I have made a decision to just stop looking for new careers and focus on finishing my thesis...it will be done in a few short months, and then I can go nuts, without the stress of an unfinished thesis looming over my head like a big grey rain cloud. I'm even gonna stay at this job - they have given me a raise and are allowing me to work 4-day weeks until I get my thesis written...I think what I'll plan to do is work 3 days one week and 5 the next, giving me 2 focused thesis days every 2 weeks, rather than just one day per week...I tend to get on a role. If I buckle down and notify my friends and family that I am going into hiding for a little while, it will get done for sure...

Anyway...back to work I go.

and on a happier note...

2005-02-02T01:05:00.000-07:00

I have a couple of job leads, here in Edmonton, to keep me happy until that good ol' thesis is done. On top of that, it's International Week on campus, and I have been getting my fill of global issues. I've heard the prince of Swaziland (who is also the grandson of Nelson Mandela) speak, as well as Omar Kdar's lawyer. I also spent lots of time this evening before hockey with an expert in working internationally. He had all sorts of advice for me and has agreed to help me "internationalize" my resume. I learned so much from him and he got me excited about my big job search again. There are many more interesting lectures to come, including the Canadian director of MSF and a representative of CIDA...more networking opportunities for me!

And as I attend these lectures and think about the next step in my life, I find myself really questioning the nature of humanitarian aid...it's supposed to be based on principles of neutrality and impartiality, but such principles are obviuosly compromised in so many parts of the world these days...humanitarian aid often coincides with military intervention, which often carries a political agenda, hence there becomes politicization of humanitarian aid, which negates it's primary tenet of neutrality. This needs more thought on my part.....but in the morning, when my head ain't so fuzzy.

can't sleep....

2005-01-29T04:23:00.000-07:00

It's 4am and I can't sleep. I found out yesterday I didn't get the job. And I'm disapointed. The director spent quite a lot of time on the phone with me, talking about what I can do to make myself a better candidate for next time. She told me that I just don't have any experience in public health, and that in the past few years, when they've selected "newbies" such as myself who don't know the "ins and outs" of the government public health system, people have gotten "tripped up" and not done as well as expected, so they didn't want that to happen again. She said that my lab background was extremely appealing to them, as was the fact that only 16 of all the applicants actually passed the test, and of those 16, I did exceptionally well on it. So at the end of it all, she told me my epidemiology skills are strong, and I interviewed really well, and I have an appropriate background, just no experience within the system.

She encouraged me to try again next year. Of course I mentioned the fact that the application process begins again in 8 months, and that leaves very little time to gain the experience they expect of me. She suggested that I contact the Medical Officer of Health here in Edmonton, and representatives of Alberta Public Health and Canada Public Health and see if I can't get someone to mentor me and show me the ropes on a volunteer, job-shadow kind of basis over the spring and summer. She told me if I had troubles to give her a call, she would try to help me. So that is all very positive. What bothers me about the whole thing is why they even interviewed me in the first place....my experience was all outlined in my resume and application, they knew from the get-go that I didn't have any public health experience.

Of course after that phone call I started emailing my contacts immediately. I started with one of the people on my thesis committee, one of my favourite mentors. I told him all that I have written here, and he gave me the name of a Deputy Medical Officer of Health here in Edmonton. This guy happens to be my undergrad project supervisor and someone whom I have had quite a bit of contact with over the years, someone I already have a good relationship with. So I will give him a ring next week and see if he can't set something up for me.

I know that everything happens the way it does for a reason, and that I didn't get into the program this time around because it isn't the right time for me. Maybe there's something better around the corner. Who knows? I know I can't be too hard on myself - the directors were so positive about me. What's hard is not knowing what's going to happen next. I know I should be excited and eagerly anticipate what's to come, but I am truly afraid that nothing will come. That I won't get the chance to do what I'm passionate about, that I won't find fulfillment in my career, that everything that I've worked so hard to achieve in my life will all amount to nothing. I'm feeling inadequate, and it's this feeling that is keeping from peaceful slumber right now.

My mom told me on the phone tonight that I am the stubbornist person she knows, and that she is quite confident this will just make me pull up my socks a little more, find an even better opportunity for myself and show those field epi people what they're missing in me. Ha! Maybe she's right!

And I feel for poor Shelley in all this. She was so sad when I told her (she thought I was going to get it for sure). She brought me flowers and wrote me a note saying that my time to shine will come. It was sweet. But this was the first catastrophe she had to deal with with me. The thing with me is that the LAST thing I want in times like this is sympathy or hand-holding or words of encouragement or anything like that. I already know all of that obvious stuff. I know another opportunity will come, I know I'm capable, I know all of that. What I need to do in times like these is reconnect to my spirit, find my strength, see the bigger picture, and refocus again. And these are things I need to do on my own, within myself. I think Shelley was a bit surprised that I wasn't talking much last night (I guess that is unusual for me, since I talk all the time). But once I told her I just needed to process it all in my head, but that it was a great comfort just to have her near me, we were okay. We went out for dinner, came home and snuggled on the couch with a movie, which of course I didn't watch because I was thinking.

Anyway, the first thing I need to do is get out of my current job, no matter what. That place is toxic for me in so many ways. I will start looking for lab jobs next week, kick my ass in gear on my thesis, clear my slate.

And now I might be feeling sleepy...good night.

it's been awhile....

2005-01-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

I don’t know where the time goes sometimes…it’s not like I’ve been particularly busy these days, at least not more than usual. But I guess I have been preoccupied and completely lacking the mental space needed to write this thing. I STILL haven’t heard from the feds, although I shouldn’t be surprised since I’m technically not supposed to hear from them until Jan 31st. Needless to say, it’s causing me a bit of stress. I would like to know if I got a position as soon as possible so that I can just get on with it already! And then maybe I can start sleeping peacefully again…

There’s nothing really new…I’m just ticking along...I still hate my current job and am very seriously considering trying for a job back at the lab. In so many ways it feels like a step backwards, but it would provide me with $1000/month more than what I’m getting now and more mental space to get my thesis done and a bit more day-to-day happiness. So I’ll keep you posted on that front.

Shelley and I are doing wonderfully. Oh how she makes me laugh! And it’s so nice to be in the presence of woman who is so accepting and non-judgemental, kind and sensitive, and just beautiful. We have taken to cooking together quite a bit lately. This is a huge feat for me, partly because I’m not a very good cook (or at least I never used to be) and partly because I always seem to end up spending a lot of money going out for dinner with gf’s. So I like this new trend of ours.

ouch...hockey hurts

2005-01-18T13:48:00.000-07:00

....but I still love it. We had a game last Friday and we only had 8 skaters. 8!!!! And believe it or not, we still managed to win 6-0. We all skated are asses off, and even the refs commented at the end of the game that our passing was awesome. Gooooooo Stingers! But then last night we had more skaters and we lost 5-2. But I got a goal. I think it might have been my 20th point! We played our ultimate rivals last night and they were mean, both in action and in word. We were getting so frustrated, even though we played so well. We were snapping at each other and at the coaches on the bench and no one was very chipper in the room after the game.

So here I am, already in a mood. S and I are having a discussion out in the parking lot about a tournament we have coming up - she might not be able to make it. We were discussing options on how to make it possible for her to come, and then I got even more frustrated. So in a complete act of immaturity, I threw my car keys across the parking lot into a bank of snow. I didn't even do it angrily. I just tossed them. S laughed, which was not the reaction I expected, naturally. And here goes a great big thank you to my amazing friends, who each grabbed a hockey stick and started combing the snow for my keys, in a straight-line formation, completely organized and in sync. And we found them right away. Phew! All S could do was laugh at me and tell me how cute I am. :-)

Anyway, I'm sore. Too much hockey, too much going to the gym!

playing the waiting game

2005-01-14T15:13:00.000-07:00

Words cannot describe how completely tortuous it is sitting here waiting to find out if I got the job. Jan 31 seems a VERY long time away, especially when my gut is telling me I didn't get it. But there is still this part of me that knows I deserve this job, that I would kick ass at this job, that this job is meant for me. So I can't help but wonder if maybe my gut is wrong, if I am just stewing in self doubt, which knowing me is entirely possible! So even though I'm not expecting to get it, I am still hoping that I will, and believe that I should. And grappling with what the hell to do with my life if I don't get it.

It is stressful playing the waiting game. Every time the phone rings at work my heart lurches. Every time the computer tells me I have a new email I get dizzy. I call my answering maching at home every hour. And just now I looked at the CFEP website and got so excited at the thought of doing this job that I could've puked! My healthy heart will not be so healthy by the end of the month - I'm sure my blood pressure is through the roof!

Tsunami relief

2005-01-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

I am proud of humanity for coming together and putting such an amazing effort into raising funds/supplies/volunteer aid to help the people of Southeast Asia. I suppose we can all relate to their suffering...losing our homes, our friends, our families, even our entire community is dreadful to imagine.

HOWEVER, I find it somewhat disturbing that humanity can't rally up this much support to combat other human tragedies around the world....poverty, HIV, war....These are all very real and very devastating plagues of the modern world. Perhaps as well-to-do North Americans these are experiences most of us can't relate to, so maybe these tragedies don't produce the same sort of empathy natural disasters do. I don't know.

But when I look at the numbers, I can't help but get a little bit frustrated. Yes, hundreds of thousands of people lost their lives, and many, many more lost their homes, or loved ones, or suffered injuries. And yes, there will be severe psychological consequences to the lives of the survivors. But over 4 MILLION people died of AIDS last year. Not to mention all the children that were orphaned, also left parentless and homeless, and also psychologically injured. Not to mention the tremendous cost to the economy, losing 4 million young, economically active members of society. Not to mention the BILLIONS of people living in poverty, malnourished, uneducated, etc. Why can't we pull together to raise money for these people? Help build these people homes? Help educate these people? Help feed them? Care about them?

Why is an earthquake deemed this huge tragedy, this huge emergency? What abut the conditions these people were living in before they were swallowed up by the Indian Ocean? What about all the diseases and the poverty that was killing them, although much slower, before the earthquakes? Why is that never considered worthy of millions of Canadian dollars, tax breaks, benefit concerts, etc?

...there's still life in this ol' ticker of mine...

2005-01-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

I had a fitness appraisal done at the gym last night, despite not really wanting to. It's one thing knowing that you're chubby and out of shape and quite another thing to have a stranger measure different parts of you and TELL you these things to your face. But I figured if I really want to monitor my progress over the next few months, it's good to have a baseline. And it turns out that it's not as bad as I thought. Yes, I am chubby (34% body fat and I'm supposed to be at 18-25%)...obviously I have some work to do. I only did 13 pushups, which I happened to be quite proud of. However, the fitness dude said it was frustrating for him to watch me do them - he said I had perfect form right up the last pushup, but he felt that he could've got me to do at least another 5 more. I don't know about that, but whatever.

After the humiliation of him measuring my hips, waist, thighs, chest, and extremely flabby arms we did my resting heart rate and blood pressure and other heart-stuff. It turns out my heart and lungs are in extremely good shape! I may be chubby, but I'm still fit. And this is half the battle. I should be able to just hop on the treadmill and start burning all that fat right off! And I will...you just watch me!

It was so relieving to know that my heart was still beating....turns out hearts can recover just fine after they're broken...

me a government gal?

2005-01-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

Aaaaaand the big interview is done. Phew! It was a tiring experience because of the mental stress, but it was all good. And damn, I looked hot! I got to experience a lot of “firsts” on this little trip: using a real suitcase with wheels instead of my pack, taking taxis all the time (hehehe I made a bit of an oops in my first taxi, forgetting I was in Canada and not Africa – I tried to pre-set the price and asked the poor driver if he had change….geez I’m an idiot sometimes!), staying in a fancy hotel that I didn’t have to pay for, and the list goes on.

I was a good little girl Sunday night…I took a bus (as per my usual travel routine) to downtown and walked around a little bit. But I was so tired from no sleep the night before and anxiety-ridden about the interview, so I went straight back to my room, ordered in a pizza, did my requisite 30 minutes on the stationary bike, half fell asleep in the hot tub and then crashed. I was awake to see every hour on the clock, stressing about the interview.

When the morning finally came, I was calm, cool and collected. I felt good in my hot little power suit. I was totally in the zone. And I had a good chuckle at myself. On the flight in they showed Wimbledon. Throughout all the tennis scenes we get to hear what’s going on in the main character’s head. “Don’t choke, don’t choke!” Well I was doing exactly the same thing as I was getting ready in the morning. It was humorous. And boy did I ever feel important when I got a phone call, “Miss Tubman, your taxi’s here”.

I had a lovely little chit chat with the taxi driver on the way to my interview. It put me in a nice friendly mood. When I arrived at 130 Colonnade I felt so confident, and as I sat waiting for someone to come collect me, all nervousness and uncertainty left me. I felt so at home in that building, like I belonged there. I said to myself, “I’m gonna go get this job!”

But then as the interview progressed, my confidence began to wane again, and for silly, silly reasons! It was such a standard interview! No challenges, no surprises, just the usual “what are your career goals and how will this program help you achieve them” and “describe a situation where you exercised flexibility”. Blah, blah, blah. All questions I have answered before, all questions I was prepared to answer. So I didn’t feel that I ever got a chance to let myself really shine. And after the formal interview there was another test to write…it was just an extrapolation from one of the questions on the first test we had to write. Again, it was simple and straightforward and I imagine every applicant will kick ass on it.

Speaking of the applicants, I think they are interviewing close to 40 people, which significantly diminishes my chances of getting a position. In addition, I briefly saw the 2 people who had interviews after me, and they were both at least a decade older than me, meaning much more experienced than me. So basically, in a nutshell, I’m not so sure I’m going to get this job, but I still have my fingers crossed! I KNOW that I would be amazing at this job!!!!!

Anyway, in the cab ride back to the hotel I just let it all go. Just took a few deep breaths and let go of it all. And then I had some fun – I went skating on Rideau Canal and ate beaver tails (we know them as elephant ears here) and hot apple cider. It was a gorgeous day and a wonderful experience. I love Ottawa, I feel comfortable there, and could quite easily see myself living there! Oooohhhh I hope, I hope!

I spent the entire flight back home thinking about Shelley and looking forward to seeing her in the airport. You know that body rush you get when you think about someone you like? Well, I had that feeling the whole way home and double strong when I saw her in the airport. I love those feelings!

Of course I was exhausted at work yesterday and actually quite busy, so I didn’t get the chance to let you all know how it went. Vickie called me last night giving me hell for not calling her ASAP to let her know how it all went. She made me smile, made me feel loved. In fact, to all of you who left messages on my phone and emailed me to wish me luck, thank you for caring! You’re all amazing and I love you!

the keeper

2005-01-07T09:19:00.000-07:00

I stopped in at Earth's General Store on the way home from work last night and bought The Keeper. I've been meaning to for quite some time. It was a comedy of errors, the whole experience. I climbed up the stairs, which was no easy feat after the gruelling workout I had at the gym the night before. I came in from the cold so my glasses were fogged up. I walk through the doors of the store, and bumped right into the poor girl who works there. We both laughed. I took my glasses off so I could actually SEE her, and my GOD she was cute! I think I probably blushed, but then again so did she, so who cares. I asked her if she sold The Keeper, and she got very excited, touched both of my shoulders, and guided me to where they were kept. And then we started a rather lively discussion on various mishaps that occur while using alternative menstrual products, like sea sponges squirting when you laugh, drying your re-usables on the outside of your pack while traveling through tropical countries, and of course, her own personal anecdote of the Keeper getting stuck...which was just so encouraging to hear since I just bought one. And then she decided she should give me a little demonstration...how to fold it, insert it, form the seal, break the seal, blah, blah, blah. She described to me in horrific detail all the various things that can go wrong and how to fix it. I feel like I signed up for some new experimental surgery or something. We laughed, it was fun. But thankfully the thing is returnable if it doesn't work out for me.

PROGRESS!

2005-01-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

Finally! I have a firm schedule in place for the completion of my thesis, my committee approves of it, so off I go! I'm in the process of negotiating another contract here at work with a schedule that will allow me time to actually work on my thesis....I'm SO excited!

aaahhh...sweet life.

2005-01-03T23:53:00.000-07:00

It's a bit hard to be writing about happiness when so many people, families, countries are suffering from the devastation caused by the earthquake/tsunami's in Asia. However, what I learned from my travels overseas is that focusing on the tragedy, the pain, the suffering, the sadness, results in nothing getting done about said states of being. Crying over others' tears is an admirable show of empathy, but it doesn't take away their tears. When I say things like this, I often get criticized for being cold-hearted and self-centered. However, I have chosen a life path that introduces me to all sorts of pain in the world...being able to separate myself from the pain is part of what makes me good at what I do. I've always held these beliefs, but reading a quote on Darren's webpage made me more confident in myself:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -- Harold Whitman

And the past couple of days I have felt so alive. The tragedy in Asia has made me more determined than ever to move my career forward and has given me the energy to do what I need to do to accomplish that goal. I haven't had a chance yet to get nervous about my interview in Ottawa next week - I'm still too damn excited about it!

On top of all that, Shelley and I have been having a fantabulous time with each other. I have no idea what's going to happen between the two of us, but it sure is fun going through the process to find out. We went grocery shopping together the other day, and on the way were impressed by the most amazing sun dog in the sky...we could see it in two different places....and we were even more impressed that we both knew what a sun dog was. And I found myself falling for her more during our shopping excursion. I love shopping with partners to begin with, but Shelley is just damn cute. And, she doesn't tease me when I have to take 2 minutes to read the label of everything I buy, or complain when I can't find any free range eggs. She says, "No big deal, Michelle....we'll just stop somewhere else to get them." I wonder how long that patience will last!!!

Some have wondered if my joy is a result of the tremendous amount of fantastic sex I have been getting lately. And although it's true that I get a lot of it, and it is absolutely amazing (my GOD do we ever CLICK in that department!), I think a lot of the joy comes from the fact that she just lets me be me, all the time, no exceptions. I don't feel guilty when I'm grumpy or in a bad mood, and I hardly ever feel insecure with her. Sometimes I have issues with my body image, and when I do, she lets me explore those insecurities (and sometimes has to encourage me to do so). Shelley is so fit and so strong and I simply am not. But she insists I'm beautiful all around. Sigh....Things are generally light and fun between us. We laugh a lot, sometimes getting the giggles for no reason at all. And when it comes time to talk about something serious, we can switch into that mode in an instant. It's easy to be happy with her, there is simply no worries there.

We had our first hockey game of the new year tonight. We lost 6-5, but it was a pretty good game. I got 2 goals and an assist, and afterwards in the dressing room a few people commented on my playing, and it felt really good. I was struggling a bit during this game because our coach, who is usually amazing, was a bit of a snot tonight and it was pissing me off. I could have misheard him, but I thought I heard him call one of our players "ditzy" and he was not excited like he usually is, and was actually a bit critical of a lot of the time. It took all the energy I had not to tear a strip off of him. I'm sure he was just in a mood and all will be well again at our next game. Either that or he's getting a competitive streak in him. We finished off the first have of the season with something crazy like 8 wins in a row, and he asked us if we wanted to kick our goal for the season up a notch, from having fun to winning. My opinion on the matter: STICK WITH WHAT WORKS!!!! We spent the first half of the season concentrating on having fun, learning from each other and the coaches, and playing hockey for the love of the game. With this attitude, we were kicking ass and winning! Why mess with that? The girls were happy and having fun...there weren't as many smiles on the bench or in the room after this game. But hey, that's just my opinion.

Anyway, it's WAY past my bedtime....goodnight!

a small story to illustrate why you should listen to FEELINGS

2004-12-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

I'll keep it short and simple....Shelley lost her keys the other day while we were shopping for my glasses. Her car-starter-alarm-thingy was on her key chain, so naturally and justifiably she was concerned. But, you see, I had a FEELING that they weren't lost. We looked high and low for these keys, but to no avail. I do believe Shelley had just come to the conclusion that they were gone forever. But I still had a FEELING that they weren't lost. Shelley just looked at me and said "you and your feelings". Boy, if I had a dime for every time I heard that line! Well, anyway, coming home last night, I found a big sign on the apt bulletin board "Lost set of keys in manager's office". So, I marched down to the office this morning, and sure enough, there were Shelley's keys! So they weren't lost afterall....the moral of the story is....LISTEN to your FEELINGS! Or at least listen to mine.....:-)

You have no idea how hard it is to type right now....I got a set of knives for Christmas and I cut my finger already. Geez.

time flies, eh?

2004-12-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

Well Christmas is over....survived another one. Phew! Actually, it wasn't too bad this year...there was no drama and I got spoiled rotten, of course. Shelley came to Christmas Eve with my family and we all had a blast...the majority of the jokes revolved around me, but hey, I'm used to that! I made Cosmos all night, so everyone was VERY happy. Tim and Erin hosted their very first Christmas dinner, and it went off without a hitch...Erin very kindly had lots of vegetarian options for me. Unfortunately Shelley couldn't join us, as she was eating roasted beaver with her family. :)

And now I'm on holidays all week! Today is all about spoiling myself....I've got a hair appointment in a few minutes, eyebrow waxing later this afternoon, and an eye appointment in between...I got new glasses from Santa and they are fantabulous! And before you ask again, Darren, yes, I will post a picture! New glasses AND a power suit! Ottawa won't be able to resist me now!

I accidently called Shelley Kristy the other day...that was a very big oops and I felt awful. I was more upset than Shelley was, I think. I don't know what I did right to have such understanding women in my life.

Anyway....gotta run to that hair appointment. I've been having such great hair days lately - I'm almost afraid to mess with it!

imagine me in a power suit...now stop drooling!

2004-12-23T11:55:00.000-07:00

Shelley took me shopping for a power suit for my interview last night - I took advantage of the massive sales and purchased myself a snazzy don't-mess-with-me-or-else power suit. I found a couple I liked, but I couldn't rely on Shelley's opinion for anything because she thinks I look good in everything...:-). Anyway, I had it narrowed down to a simple but classic grey suit, and this awesome black one with lime green trim. Of course I went for the lime green/black combo...it is sufficiently professional, with just enough lime green to make it funky. All the girls at work believe this requires a new pair of shoes.....hmmm...more shopping!

geez, does it ever end?

2004-12-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

I find it rather funny that when good things happen, I tend to jump for joy, gather friends, and go out and celebrate. But everytime I experience a negative emotion, it gets jotted down on this blog...so all you reading this must thing I am a depressive whiny lazy-ass. Which i am not, for the record. :-) It's just that usually this negative stuff is so very temporary, and usually once I sit down at my computer and hammer it all out I feel much better.

And what's the problem this time, you might ask? Well, as of lately, it can only be one thing, the only thing that makes me cry these days - KB. It's solstice today, and I sent her a card. Why? Well because I was thinking of her and missing her. And I feel like an ass for being hurt when I have no right to be hurt. For letting her know how hurt I am when that's the last thing she needs in her happy little love-filled life right now. And for withdrawing what might have been an amazing friendship because my heart hurts too much to see her or hear her voice. She told me she's sore....she's had a crazy onslaught of various injuries. And what's my reaction to that? I feel terrible for her! I sympathize for her! I want to send her something cheerful in the mail so that she can forget the pains in her body for a few minutes. But I was able to just tuck all that away and get on with my day just fine, thank you very much.

And then, mere minutes ago, in a desperate moment of weakness, I looked at her on-line diary. I haven't done that in quite some time - I feel rather intrusive, since we aren't sharing things with each other at the moment. She has answered a survey about 2004. And she mentions me a couple of times. And I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, I don't. It caused me stress to see my name there and I don't know why. But seeing how obviously excited she is about the imminent arrival of her gf hurt like hell. It's amazing that I could be sooooooo disapointed in life and love all because of a couple of months talking to a woman I barely know, a woman I didn't date, a woman "who tried to love me the way I loved her" but simply couldn't.

The thing is, I don't want to date her anymore. I don't trust her heart, her judgements, her actions. I'm sure that will change - she is a remarkable woman, definitely worthy of trust. I just need time, I guess. Obviously, I would never want to be with someone who didn't feel love for me, but I still sometimes have moments where I wish she did feel for me.

I thought I knew! I thought we would have a lifetime together! I really did! Maybe those instincts were right....maybe we ARE meant to have a lifetime together - as friends - through all of the suprises life brings. The thought of that makes me quite happy...because I miss talking to her. But I don't know how to get there....it still hurts. I would like to be able to share her excitement about her girl, listen to her talk about her and be happy and supportive, but I can't!

I should really just give up on it all and move to the desert. I like it there.

arguing with homophobes: i love my dreams

2004-12-21T14:21:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday I went to a lecture called "How to argue with homophobes: feminist advice for troubled times". It was an enlightening experience, largely because I found some kindred spirits who feel the same way I do about some things, namely, same-sex marriage. You see, I have come to the conclusion that I don't really agree with the concept of marriage in general (this is not to say I will never get married, well, married according to my own definition of marriage anyway). I just happen to believe that the "institute" of marriage has changed so significantly over the last few decades, as has the whole family concept - this is not just because of changing patterns in religious thought/belief/practice, but because of changing economies and job markets, a higher-mobility society, different family dynamics, etc. I mean everyone knows that marriages are failing left, right and center. We have large numbers of single-parent families, unstable family/home situations/etc. The point I'm trying to get to is that there are alternative ways to live as a couple or as a family. However, because I am gay, I feel I HAVE to fight for same-sex marriage - to actually say to the straight world that I don't agree with marriage as a concept would only be co-opted by the enemy - you know what I mean.

The other interesting thing about this lecture was the concensus that we might be fighting the wrong battle when it comes to same-sex marriage. It's not necessarily the right to marry that we should be concerned about, it is actually being considered "persons" under the law. And, if you look at our history, it was not all that long ago when women were finally considered persons. So I suspect that us gay people are a long way from being considered people.

I've been thinking about this. When I look at myself and my circle of friends and how we process these issues, we tend to focus on the concrete things that affect us as individuals, or as part of a homosexual couple. This makes sense - we want to marry the person we love, but we can't. We want to share benefits (and we can now, to an extent). We want to be welcomed home for Christmas without being judged. We want to hold our partner's hand in public without fear of the consequences. It takes a certain process of thought to tie it all together to fight the war to get us recognized in the constitution. But I suppose it's these little battles, like same-sex marriage, that will get us there.

Anyway, of course there was a small discussion around the whole purpose of marriage being to procreate. Why no one ever talks about infertile straight couples, or couples that choose not to have children, or people who marry too old to have children, is beyond me - their marriages are still legitimate. But whatever. This conversation carried over into a dream I had the other night:

I was a nun in training. Me and the other trainees were told that we had one final test to perform to prove our devotion to God - we had to procreate (I understand that this is completely all wrong, but hey, it's a dream). I was SO angry that to go through this. I couldn't understand how it would prove anything. But, I went along with it. Us nuns were paraded into a room and we were each given a white poker chip. Then they shuffled in a bunch of men. We got to choose which one we procreated with by offering our poker to chip to whomever we fancied. Well, there was one man who was actually a woman pretending to be a man. Of course I picked up on this right away and offered her my poker chip. Then we got down to business. When the other nuns realized what had happened, I was whisked away to a small, solitary cell to recover from what they consider a very traumatizing experiencing. I was crying, not because of the trauma, but because I was upset they took me away from her. They mistook my tears for pain and fear, and excused me from the procreation excercise. I was elated.

pissed off at "The Onion"

2004-12-15T13:49:00.000-07:00

I started writing this entry pissed off at The Onion for satirizing genocide, but as I started summarizing the points they made, they kind of highlight the issues nicely: oil, ethnicity, the UN, etc. And while I certainly don't think genocide is a laughing matter, and they crossed the line by having a photo of a billboard advertising the "official machete" of the genocide, they did a good job getting their point across.

You can read it at http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4050

An article on The Onion this week jokes about Nigeria being host to the "2008 Genocides". The whole point of the article is to point out how ethnic strife is on the rise in Nigeria (Christians vs Muslims), all because of, you guessed it, oil, compounded by a dependence on food imports, a volatile economy, and the recent dodgy elections. And of course the recent polio outbreak doesn't help matters either. They discuss how Rwanda is a much better choice than Tajikistan (cuz that conflict may or may not continue) and Iraq ( cuz there may not be an Iraq by 2008). Combine all this with the predictable UN response: "the slow-to-move, ineffectual UN will do everything it can to help shepherd Nigeria into a combined religious, political, and economic disaster of horrific proportions", nd you have a national crisis on your hands.

And, of course, Nigeria will dig its own grave by "defaulting on our $2 billion IMF loan, investing the entire treasury in the overhead-heavy petroleum business, and turning a blind eye to regional guerrilla groups. That'd be a good start. After that, food shipments must fall into rebel hands, armed forces must go unpaid, and the emerging national infrastructure must be allowed to deteriorate." And although the "West" has traditionally turned a blind eye to such ethnic conficts (they occur in a different time zone, you see), this genocide will be difference because there's OIL at stake.

i saw a shooting star last night

2004-12-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that I have been blessed lately. I like it when good things happen in waves. Last night I was dogsitting for a friend at work. I took Keeta to a dog park, and the two of us played in the snow for an hour. It was such a beautiful night, the sky was clear, the air was crisp. I felt good. It made me intensely joyful to watch Keeta run, her tail wagging, her cute little feet making cute little footprints in the snow. Every once in awhile she would run up to me and nestle against my legs, and look up at me with her big sparkling brown eyes, one ear straight up, the other one flopped down. I whistled Christmas tunes, and spend an unusual amount of time staring up at the stars. While I was contemplating the events of the last couple of weeks I saw a shooting star. And I knew everything was going to be okay. Oh my god I'm a sap. :-)

making progress

2004-12-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I had a damn good weekend, thanks to my wonderful friends who kept my body busy and my mind occupied. I managed to muster the courage to delete her photos off of my computer, cancel my long distance phone plan, erase her last message off of my phone...you know, the purge stage. I just don't want reminders of her around, because I miss her and I feel like an idiot. But whatever. What can I do? I said something nasty about her Friday night (not even all that nasty, I think I called her a heartbreaker or something like that) and Vickie put her stern motherly face on and said, "Michelle, don't be like that, you know she's a nice girl". Which is true, she is, so I have been nice to her in my head ever since. But I'm still pissed off. ;-)

Friday night the whole group of us went to shinny....we had a BLAST. There were only like 14 of us, so there was a lot of icetime for each of us. I find shinny a great place to learn, the girls who go are patient with us beginner-types and I love it. Plus, I played on the opposite side as all my friends, so we got to knock each other around....life doesn't get much better than that! And of course we went out for wings and beer (well, actually, I had spinach dip and iced tea but who's counting).

I dragged some friends to the Butterdome Craft Sale with me....it was funny seeing Shelley there...her friends made fun of her too...such a butch girl at such a girly place! But she bought a few things, so I guess her image is all shot to hell now! And I ran into Janet there....always nice to see her....always hear the same things...Gunnar's good, the house isn't done yet....one day soon that girl will have something new to report! And then we went on a bit of a shopping spree at Value Village....50% off sale! I got a great pair of cords and a funky 1970s polyester shirt and a few other things....nice!

Sunday was lazy, lazy, lazy and I loved it. Plus I had shrimp creole for lunch (Da De O's rocks). To top it all off, I had a great hair weekend....things are looking up!

Oh, and mom is all in the holiday spirit....she wants to take me for lunch and a movie between xmas and New Year's. I don't understand this woman, but whatever! I think we'll go see Spanglish.....and of course I'm she Kristy's going to go see it with her gf once she arrives in Alberta. Damn women.

serendipity

2004-12-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

I want to write, but I don't know where to start! It's amazing how much life can change in 24 hours. I know that everything happens exactly the way it should, but it would sure be nice to be given the master plan ahead of time....na, I don't really mean that. There's some fun in the mystery.

Anyway, I need to get out all the hurt, pain, and anger in regards to K. But it's not what I want to write about. I miss her, that's a strong feeling. I'm hurt and disappointed....those feelings are constant, underneath everything I do these days. And I'm angry. It's funny, what angers me the most is knowing that as we were having our last chat a couple of days ago, she was relaying the whole thing to her gf. You see, it was soooooo painful for me to read the words she was typing to me. So hard, I had to let go of so much hope, and all she could do was describe what she thinks as my inappropriate reactions to her. I wonder if she even understands how I was/am feeling. If she did, she would have respected me a bit more and at least kept MY feelings private. This is why it is so hard sharing intimate parts of yourself....the people you share with get intimate with others and share YOUR secrets. I felt things with her that I've never felt before....so much about her was a new experience for me, so I had a whole hell of a lot more than just her to let go of. I have the sense that things are not over between us...I don't trust her....I don't want to date her....not anymore, at least....but I think we will find a friendship or something further down the road. When I'm not so angry! And when she's got her poop in a proverbial group as well.

Anyway....the day after my heart broke into a million pieces, I got a bunch of great news. I couldn't stop smiling all day, because although one dream was ending, another one was starting to come true! You know things are "meant to be" when all the pieces fall into place without any effort at all. First....our office manager stops me in the hallway to tell me that HR discovered that they hadn't been paying me vacation pay since February, and that $1000 was owed to me....nice Christmas present, eh? An hour or two later, I get a phone call from the Field Epi office in Ottawa....they called to let me know that I GOT AN INTERVIEW!!!!!! I had to write a big, crazy exam to get this interview, and apparently I did really well on it! I stared my MSc with the plans of doing this training program afterwards....I was literally doing cartwheels down the hallway at work when I found out I got the interview. I'm STILL all excited about it. And then , the next day, they emailed me to tell me they were paying for my flight, hotel, and taxi. Sweet!!!!

So that's my news....the interview is Jan 10, and I have a few days off after Christmas, so I can study, study, study! I have the very first interiew spot, so I'm a bit stressed about that....I feel like I have to set a good standard...and I probably will... ;-)

If I get this position, it almost definitely means a move out of the province....I have mixed emotions about that. I love Edmonton, my friends, hockey, all that jazz....but the thought of learning a new city and meeting new people totally energizes me! I can't wait to see how this all works out in the end.....

Eavesdropping

2004-12-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

On coffee break this morning I overheard part of a conversation between a well-dressed, affluent woman and a scruffy man with an accent. She said to him, “Think of your life six months from now, a year from now. Now think of her with you at that time. How does it feel? How would it feel to not have her in your life? That’s how you know what to do”. The man responded with silence, his head hanging low.

When in doubt, listen to the wise ones

2004-12-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

Here is a quote that I just read on Darren's blog. I find it particularly relevant at the moment:

Truth is a pathless land. Man cannot come to it through any organization, through any creed, through any dogma, priest or ritual, nor through any philosophical knowledge or psychological technique. He has to find it through the mirror of relationship, through the understanding of the contents of his own mind, through observation and not through intellectual analysis or introspective dissection.
-- J. Krishnamurti

Words of the wise to Michelle, pay attention you silly girl: stop looking outside of yourself for the answers, stop talking about looking inward and actually do it, and stop overanalyzing everything. Methinks sometimes things ARE as simple as they seem.

truth = justification = absolution? I don't think so!

2004-12-06T21:28:00.000-07:00

I planned to go to a movie last night. I like doing this - I like getting lost in the lives of fictional people for a few hours. And I like doing this alone. There is a certain kind of comfortable solitude that can only be found in the anonymous company of a movie theater. However, a friend from work ended up coming with me, and her insights into the movie definitely overpowered the benefits of going alone.

Anyway, we saw Closer. What a nasty-assed movie! I mean I loved it, but my god brutal honestly is hard to swallow sometimes. I guess we all like to think we are nice people capable of real love, but geez, it's not as easy as the movies usually make it out to be. What you have in this movie are four extremely flawed, emotionally dysfunctional, fatally human characters. Throughout the film we watch them interact with each other as they struggle with love, partnership, infidelity, self-worth and self-definition. It's just nasty. Anyone who's honest with themselves will see parts of themselves in these characters. This movie was just full of irony - a total delight for the film buff! At one point, one of the character expects forgiveness for admitting the truth about his infidelity. My friend asked "Since when does truth equal justification?" Excellent question.

Of all the things from this movie, this is what I've thought about the most. We (or at least I) tend to place a huge amount of importance on truth telling, honesty, openness. I've always believed that there are also some things that are better left unsaid, not in the name of deceit or secret-keeping or dishonesty, but because sometimes there is truth in silence. Sometimes silence can say more than words ever can. You know those moments of intense connection that occur in silence? Well, that's a certain kind of communication that transends vocabulary. I love you can mean anything, but that feeling you get lying in the arms of the one you love speaks the true meaning of those words.

But yet there is sometimes something rather manipulative in honesty. Well, not in honesty itself, but in the way it is used. The way you can make a stupid mistake, but then assume that being honest about making it gets you off the hook. Or the way your words say one thing, but you actions say another, and at the end of it all you save yourself by saying "I've always been honest with you, blah, blah, blah, I've always TOLD you how I felt." Honest words do not justify dishonest actions.

You know how sometimes you feel like you've been misled, deceived, lied to, yet you know that the person in question has been honest with you? Well I think this explains some of that. There is so much communication that goes on beneath the words....I'm talking about body language, energy, the whole eyes-are-the-windows-to-the-soul thing. There is choice in words, there's not necessarily choice in those other things. And because of that we place more importance on that verbal communication. It's more concrete, it's more conscious. But it's not necessarily truth!

But whatever...that was a whole lot of nonsense...

On another note.....I want to be a photographer. I keep coming back to this idea, and I know that it's something I need to pursue. So, as soon as I finish my fucking pain-in-the-ass thesis, I think I'm going to look into night photography school. I don't want to do baby portraits or weddings necessarily, but rather artsy stuff as a hobby. I've got all these great ideas in my head, but don't really understand the technology enought to make it happen. :)

que sera sera

2004-12-06T11:28:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I’m in a pickle. Well la-di-da. We all get into uncomfortable situations at one time or another. Although I would love to just go hide under a rock and evade reality for the rest of my life, I realize that this is going to get me nowhere. And as easy as wallowing in self pity may be, I have decided that enough is enough. I am generally positive by nature, so positive is what I will be. Being negative and assuming the worst is going to get me nowhere. So, I’m saying enough. I will be happy, dammit! I need a new outlook on my life, that’s all. I’m healthy, I’ve got great friends, I have everything I really need, so suck it up princess!

If I look at this from a logical perspective (and, yes, I am capable of logic every once in awhile) this is what I see: 2 issues are weighing me down – my heart and my job. If I look at my job situation, it really isn’t all that bad. Yes, I hate it. Yes, I deserve better. Yes, I am bored to death. But I am taking steps in the right direction. I’m looking, I’m applying for things, I’m seeking out the opportunities. And something is going to come up soon. I’m not worried about that, I never was. It’s just a matter of finding a way to be content in the meantime. And I’ve been making progress with that too. I’m taking on a couple of new projects which at least keeps my mind occupied. Keeping busy at work is definitely key right now.

My heart, however, may be a completely different matter. It’s very difficult to rationalize matters of the heart. I’m in love with someone who doesn’t want me. Logic would dictate that I should just give it up and move on. However, as much as I have tried over the past couple of weeks to turn those feelings off, I have not been successful. Not at all. I have managed to get angry, but that’s it. What angers me the most is how I have been acting as of late. Feelings of rejection, feelings of jealousy, feelings of inadequacy have plagued me. I know better than to take rejection personally, I know that there is no reason to feel jealous and there’s certainly no reason to feel inadequate. And yet I do. I feel these things.

I’ve been talking to a friend about these feelings, and I know the advice she has for me is true: she reminds me that I need to reconnect to myself (I’ve been saying that all along, haven’t I?). She says the answers are all available to me, I just have to be open to receiving them. She’s told me to meditate. And of course I know she’s right. And she keeps asking me what I’m afraid of, what exactly is holding me back from reconnecting. Because she sees reluctance in me, reluctance to face the truth. And again, she’s right. S, you are a wise woman.

I wonder what I really am afraid of. I still think this is a trust issue. I don’t trust myself. There is no sense reconnecting and looking inward if I’m not going to trust what I find. I’m not feeling safe in my heart right now, so why would I be inclined to go deeper within myself? I know all I need to do is just suck it up, take the plunge, and decide to do it. I know it’s as easy as that. You know, this is how I learned to swim as a kid – I got thrown off the end of the pier into the lake, and surprise, surprise, my body just knew what to do to keep me afloat. So I know that if I hurl myself off of my superficial safe haven into the ocean of Michelle, I will know how to keep myself afloat there too. But whatever.

I just had a great weekend with someone, someone who really cares about me and is wise beyond her years. Someone who’s free, available, and wants to be with me. But I don’t have with her what I have with my “emotional soul mate”. But there’s no denying that there is some kind of spark between us. Is it sexual? Is it merely lust? Is it something to fill the void that my soul mate has left in me? Is it real?

How do I deal with this and be fair to everyone involved? I can’t be with one woman if my heart is with another woman. But I don’t want to spend my life loving someone who can’t return it. And it feels so good to be with S. But is that real? My instinct is to try to hold out a little longer for my love, find the strength to love quietly, be her friend, and be patient for a while longer. I don’t feel our journey together is over yet. But is this a real instinct or a reluctance to let go?

My favourite poet, Rumi, has described love in this way:

“The power of love came into me, and I became fierce like a lion, then tender like the evening stars”.

So I think it’s time for me to let the lion sleep and become like the evening stars, shining brightly, but gently, and from a distance, letting her know that I’m here, watching over her, but not interfering.

I’m on hiatus from my soul mate for awhile. I need to get these insane feelings under control before they destroy me or her and our connection. I need to go on a hiatus from S as well. I need to be on my own, free from influence. So I guess that’s what I’m going to do. Avoid any situation that could possibly turn romantic. And then just sit tight for awhile. What’s meant to happen will happen, whatever will be, will be. I just gotta find a way to be patient. Like, that’s such an unfair thing to ask of an Aries. Oh well.

Rumi also said “Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” That’s a nice thought, isn’t it?

2004-12-05T16:38:00.000-07:00

I had a GREAT time with the girls last night. There was so much food, so much fun, so much laughter - and lots of making fun of the L Word. Mmmm Shane.

But anyway, I'm too distracted to talk about the good stuff, naturally I need to dwell on the bad. I just had a fantastic day with someone...one of those great, lazy Sundays in front of the TV. I felt relaxed and rejuvinated. And then I turned on the computer to check my email. And because I am silly, I looked at "her" (why is it I'm afraid to type her name?) profile on the internet. And for some reason I was bothered because she changed her picture. She has one of my favourite pictures on there now - she has told me that it was taken on a very sad day, and when you click on the picture to see it a bit bigger, you can definitely see that she is sad. Makes me wonder why this is the version of herself she wants to portray to the world. So note to self - no more looking at her profile. It's only a constant reminder that she still hasn't found what she's looking for.

But whatever. I don't want to think about it, or her, anymore. I made a mistake by responding to her in the first place. I was seconds away from deleting my profile when she messaged me. I should've just ignored her and deleted my profile. I shouldn't have talked to her on the phone, I shouldn't have met her, I shouldn't have allowed myself the connection we had. And now I feel awful even typing those words, because of course I don't really wish any of these things.

I thought we had something, I really did. It was so tremendously hard for me to share some of the things I shared with her. And I imagine that she's sharing so much of what she shared with me with all these other women she has met on the internet. For some reason I feel betrayed, I feel misled, I feel used, and so very, very exposed. Which I know is silly, because she has done none of these things. She never would. So then why do I feel this way?

I need a new strategy

2004-12-04T17:28:00.000-07:00

I just said goodbye to her tonight. She thinks it's a temporary thing, and I hope she's right. The thing is it hurts to talk to her. It hurts not to talk to her. It just hurts all the time. I don't feel the connection with her anymore, although I know it's still there, I can feel it in quiet times. We haven't really talked in awhile, and I'm feeling so cautious with my heart that this really doesn't suprise me. Plus, it's hard to feel connected to another person when I'm not connected to myself. I feel like I'm falling down into a canyon or something. I keep trying to grasp at anything along the way to stop me from crashing to the ground. My whole world is just spinning around me. But it's not out of control. I don't feel like I lack control. I just feel like things are moving faster than what's comfortable for me. I feel like I need to make decisions that I'm not ready to make.

I feel this not only in regards to her, but in regards to my career, where I want to live, what I want for my life. I feel soooooo conflicted. There are days when I think I should just join the foreign service and devote my life to living overseas - relationshipless, childless, familyless. And other times the thought of such a life fills me with sadness because I envision being married and having a family, and this makes me joyful. And although I know I don't have to make any kind of decision about any of this right now, I feel like I need to. I have always lived more by the seat of my pants. I've always had goals for the future and things that I've wanted to do in my life, but opportunities have always come to me, seemingly right out of the blue, and I have pursued them, and they have proved to be tremendously meaningful to me. So why I can't continue with this strategy now?

I HATE not knowing what's going to happen to me. I don't like looking into my future and seeing nothing but a blank slate. I've always been able to look into the year ahead and say, oh, I'll be in school, or I'll be in Africa, or I'll be at the lab, or I'll be with so-and-so. When I look at this time next year, I can't tell you where I'll be working, where I'll be living, who I'll be with, or if I'll be with anyone at all. I know that no one ever really knows what the future holds, but usually you can know with a small degree of certainty what at least part of your life will look like.

Don't get me wrong, part of me is totally excited to find out what is going to happen to me....if the pattern of my life continues, then it's sure to be fantastic. But what if it's not? What if nothing works out for me - what if she doesn't turn out to love me, what if I don't get a job I like, what if I'm still stagnant in the future like I am now? That would be the worst outcome of all, to still be in the same place I'm in now. Stuck.

Anyway, I don't even know why I went on this tangent. The girls will be here any minute. I need to put on a happy face and not think about her. Gotta get her outta my head, outta my heart. At least for now. It just doesn't make sense to me. But whatever.

2004-12-02T13:31:00.000-07:00

So last night was supposed to be a nice quiet time for me to reflect and try to reconnect to myself again. And although it was nice and quiet, there was no reflection. Who knows, maybe that's a good thing! We all know I have a habit of over analyzing everything, so perhaps taking some time to NOT think is actually a great idea!

Anyway, after cooking myself an absolutely fabulous dinner (thank you Kristy for the suggestion), I settled in and watched "The Last Samurai". I didn't really have a strong desire to watch this movie due to the Tom Cruise factor, however, I found myself totally in love with it and actually very deeply affected by the message. I know that I have a strange ability to make everything I encounter relevant to my own growth and experience, but I don't necessarily think that this is a bad thing. It's all about self-discovery, and if I use movies and other things as a tool in that process, well then so be it.

So the movie. The plot, in a nutshell: a disillusioned American war hero goes to Japan to teach them how to defeat the Samurai warriors who are rebelling against the westernization of their country. Cruise's character gets captured by his enemy, and during his captivity he comes to embrace the way of the Samurai and joins in their cause.

But the beauty of this movie lies in the transformation that occurs within Cruise's character. At the beginning of the movie we meet him as a drunk, angry man haunted by nightmares and recurring images of the battles he has witnessed. It is clear that he is tortured by the atrocities that he has not only witnessed, but has actually been responsible for. He is seen as an expert in defeating rebelious "savages", and this is not a role he seems prepared to accept for himself. So he comes to Japan full of anger and bitterness, but with a committment to get the job done.

He ends up spending a season in captivity, surrounded by the beauty of the land, the people, and the way of the Samurai. He develops a connection with his captor as they discover a mutual respect for the values, ideals, and culture of each other. In this simple life, this very disciplined and esthetic life, Cruises's character confronts his demons, the hauntings of his past, and reflects upon his life path. He comes to realize what he really values and the true meaning of honor. In the end he chooses to fight for these ideals, side-by-side with the man who brought him back to himself.

I was supposed to spend the night reconnecting with myself, and instead I watched a story about a man who actually DID reconnect with himself. I cried at the end of the movie, in part because it was so hard to watch the violent destruction, but also because I sympathized with Cruise's character. There are so many temptations in life, so many opporunities to lose your way. You make mistakes, do things you wish you hadn't, hurt people, and for what? Sometimes you have the answers to this, and many times you don't. By the end of the movie, he knew exactly where he wanted/needed to be. All decisions, all thoughts, all actions came from that place. And that, my friends, is where I want to be. If that makes any sense at all.

Score 1 for self-expression

2004-12-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

Since starting this whole blogging thing, I've been doing a little bit of reading on the history of it. I'm all for self-expression, and sometimes I forget that not all of us have the freedom to do so, whether it be because we were never taught how to express ourselves, or because we live in a part of the world where freedom of speech/expression is denied.

This morning I was reading about the "blog revolution" in China . I'll summarize it here, but if you'd like to read the full article, check it out here: http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99996707

Not so long ago, China decided to allow Cybercafes, hoping it would help "westernize" the country and make it more economically competitive. The Chinese governmen maintains continual surveillance to censor and "sanitize" the Internet - the so-called "Great Firewall".
Politically sensitive topics, such as Falun Gong, human rights, democracy, and Taiwan independence, are routinely filtered out. A list recently obtained by the China Internet Project in Berkeley found that over 1000 words, including “dictatorship”, “truth”, and “riot police” are automatically banned in China’s online forums.

But the "blog revolution" is changing all this. China currently has more than half a million bloggers, and the government can't keep up - blogs are being created faster than they can be destroyed. Although the Chinese government has banned access to Blogger (the website that hosts my blog), web-savvy people have found ways to bypass the Great Firewall. What all of this means is that subcultures that fall outside of traditional social and moral norms now have an outlet to voice their opinion.

It's amazing that I take advantage of this blog-thing to whine about heartache, when people on the other side of the world use it to fight for the human right of self expression. Kinda puts thigns in perspective, eh?

my dream last night

2004-11-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night that really shook me up. It's still bothering me. Here it is:

It takes place in a kitchen. This kitchen looked familiar to me, felt familiar to me too. It was only on the walk to work this morning that I realized it was Kristy's dream kitchen, the one she's described to me often. Anyway, this kitchen is huge and it has an island in the middle of it. Instead of have a floor around this island, there's an ocean. There are a whole bunch of people in this kitchen. I know them in my dream, but I don't think I know them in real life (although they did seem to feel familiar to me). I am swimming and diving in this ocean, completely enthralled by the life under there. I feel so very happy and fulfilled, I can't stop smiling, and I feel like I've just discovered a lost world or something like that. I come up for air, and I tell the others in the kitchen that they have to come down and see all the amazing things that live under the kitchen. I tell them, "the deeper you go, the more amazing it is". They keep telling my that they're busy - there's a party and they are cooking for it. But I persist. I want to share that incredible feeling I had with them. I keep telling them that there is a whole other world down there, one that most people don't get to see, and it's right here, under our kitchen!

So, eventually, all of these people dive under the kitchen with me. But I am still alone when I'm under there. I don't feel alone, but the others don't seem to be a part of my experience under there - I'm not even aware of their absence. Anyway, I'm swimming along, and this huge fish with a very large mouth charges me. It comes at me with it's mouth wide open, kind of like a Moray eel or something. I'm scared out of my mind, and I begin to panic. And in a moment of panic, I throw a serving plate (and I have no idea where it came from) into it's mouth, and this seems to buy me a few extra seconds before I get swallowed by this thing. And then I have this insight that if I swim to the surface and stay there, I will be safe. I keep repeating to myself "things will be safe on the surface" as I swim back up to the kitchen.

When I pull myself up onto "land", I notice that the water is starting to ice over. I see the others swimming toward the surface too. Except they aren't adults anymore, they are children. I start pulling them all out, one by one, they are so scared, I can see it in their eyes. And they are upset with me. They ask me why I told them it was so beautiful the deeper you go, when really it's a scary place full of monsters, and you can get trapped down there. But they are thankful that I rescued them.

And then I wonder if they are right. I look at the ice. After all the children are out, the ice melts back to water again, and the ocean is back. I feel the temptation to jump in again, but I start to panic at the thought of it. I just know that it's safer on the surface, even though it's so very beautiful down there. I know that I need to jump back in again, but I'm just too scared. And I wake up with that feeling of panic.

Nice one, eh?

Connected?

2004-11-28T23:32:00.000-07:00

Do you ever reach that point of emotional saturation, where you simply just can't feel anymore? I'm there at the moment, and I don't like it! I had such an emotional weekend (like you couldn't guess that from my previous entry) and I've reached complete numbness. I'm sure by the morning, I'll be back to my tearful self. I was talking to a friend tonight (at a stinky, smoky, gross, disgusting bingo hall - hockey fundraiser of course). I described to her a feeling I've experienced a few times over the last month. You know how everyone always talks about that feeling of not being able to get close enough to someone? You're holding them and you just keep squeezing tighter and tighter because you just can't get them close enough. I'm very familiar with that feeling. Well, this feeling I've had is one I've never experienced before. It starts with that I-can't-get-close-enough-to-you feeling. But then I can feel her in me, I can feel her in my whole body, from head to toe. She *is* close enough. It is the most powerful, amazing experience. As I explained this to my friend, her whole demeanor changed. She very gently, very kindly told me "that's love, Michelle. Haven't you ever felt that before?" And I was ashamed to admit that I haven't.

So I drive home from the bingo tonight with this mix of emotions:

acute awareness of the love I'm feeling
shame that I have reached the age of 28 and am only now beginning to understand what love even feels like
rejection because that love is not returned (but only a bit - I'm not sure I'm really feeling rejected, but I think I'm supposed to, so it's a bit confusing)
that whole-body feeling of having her with me, and truly hoping she's doing well and getting her paper done
I am dumbfounded as to how we can even have the capacity to love so much those who do not or cannot love us back in the same way
guilt over feeling good about the attention and affection I'm receiving from a friend
sadness over the fact that I can't give this friend what she wants
disappointment in myself for I don't even know what anymore
joy and amusement over a teammate flashing the cars on the highway as we drove home (omg it was funny, and a treat - she's HOT!)
stress and frustration over my job
anticipation and wanting so badly to know what the future has in store for me
I feel grateful for some of the amazing people I have in my life

You get the point. There's some big stuff in there. I went through emotional panic mode for awhile - being sick didn't help. Lying down all day makes for way too much thinking time! If you happen to be an over-analyzer such as myself, then too much idle time is not necessarily a good thing!

Anyway, throughout all of this I have lost my connection to the universe, and lost that sense of peace (and the trust that goes along with it). So my job right now is to get myself reconnected, find my intuition again, and look at my life from that sense of peace and trust, rather than panic. I've had my ups and downs in life, and as my dad always says, usually with complete astonishment, "Michelle, you always come out of shit holes smelling like roses". And when I look back on my life, he's right. Things ALWAYS end up good for me in the end. Not always the way I thought I wanted or predicted, but always good. And I know that there are amazing things waiting for me around the corner. It's just a matter of getting there. And of course that's always the hardest part.

Someone once told me that it's easy to be happy and feel at peace and trust yourself in the quiet times, and in the happy times. But the challenge to achieving true happiness is to be able to maintain those feelings during times of transition. There's always been a clear direction in my life, I always knew where I was going next. This year has been different. I'm in transition in every single aspect of my life - love, career, life goals - it has been a tremendous challenge to enjoy life in this moment without worrying about what's coming next.

I think for me the key is to stay connected and maintain that trust in myself. I'm finding there's a lot of fear involved in trusting myself, and when I get bombarded with emotions, fear drives away my connection. So I think what I need to learn is how to reconnect when that happens. I think I can recognize when fear starts to take over, so step #2 will be to learn how to stop the fear when it comes calling.

I wonder if I can learn these things in this lifetime?

tell me

2004-11-27T15:40:00.000-07:00

Someone tell me how to do this. Someone tell me how to love someone who does not love you in return. How to stop dreaming. How to stop hoping. How to stop believing. Someone tell me how it's even possible to feel love for someone after such a short time. Someone tell me how even now, through my tears, my greatest hope is that she can feel love again. Even if it's not for me. Someone tell me why the thought of the stress I must cause her hurts more than even the rejection I feel. Tell me why it hurts so much to see her as anything other than happy and full of joy. Tell me why. Just tell me why she would come into my life, such a beautiful woman, a strong woman. Tell me, how could I not love this woman, this woman worthy of more than this world could ever give her? Tell me, most of all, tell me how to let go of her. Tell me how to be her friend, so I can still have her in my life. Tell me how to love her silently so I can watch her grow. Tell me how to be strong for her. Oh sweetie I love you.

favourite books

2004-11-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

I just a great conversation with my colleagues about books. I thought I would share some of my favourites with you. Here they are, at the top of my head, in no particular order:

The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand
The God of Small Things - Arundhati Roy
The Ground Beneath Her Feet - Salman Rushdie
The Unbearable Lightness of Being - Milan Kundera
The World According to Garp - John Irving (yes, I like it better than "A Prayer for Owen Meany" - suck it up!)
Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates - Tom Robbins
The Alchemist - Pablo Coelho
Walden - Henry David Thoreau
A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
The Piano Man's Daughter - Timothy Findley (in fact ANYTHING by Mr. Findlay)
And anything by Anne Rice!

i am such a suck

2004-11-24T21:18:00.000-07:00

You'll never believe this, but I am watching the Bachelor. It's the season finale, and the guy has to choose between 2 women. One girl gets to go home married and the other one gets to go home broken hearted. I haven't seen any other episodes of this show, yet I am already crying over the poor girl who goes home alone. Why? Because in the end, I always wind up alone too. I dream about the day someone actually loves me. I mean really loves me. Someone who can look me in the eyes and say the words and really mean it. I guess we all want that. To love. To be loved.

I was chatting with someone I really care about tonight, someone who's going through a hard time. A hard time because of love. Cuz she had to go home broken-hearted too. Sometimes when I talk with her, I feel like I'm in a movie, where the main character wakes up to find she is the only one left alive in the world. There's this moment of panic, I run out of the apartment into the street, and realize there's no traffic, no children walking to school, no old ladies walking their dogs. I'm alone. I look up at the sky, looking for any sign of life, any sign of something bigger than me out there. And there's nothing. I don't feel alone, I don't feel deserted, I just feel like I'm missing the bigger picture. I feel like if I just look a little bit harder, or try not to look so hard, or try to view things differently, I would be able to see my life again.

I guess I know that me and her have something special. Our connection is so strong. We can share incredibly painful emotions with each other so easily, so freely. It feels so safe, so comfortable, so amazing to me. But sometimes I get scared, like during our talk today. I know she values what we have, but I also know that she isn't in the same place as me. And when she reminds me of this, I see myself in that empty movie world. And I dread the day when she chooses someone else, and I go home broken hearted.

I need more.

2004-11-24T17:39:00.000-07:00

I’m sitting here, naked, wrapped in my orange fleecy blanket, playing Minesweeper, expert level, and listening to Tom Waits. "And I want to know the same thing everyone wants to know…how’s it going to end?". I’ve been sick all day, and I’m bored to tears. I spent the entire day either in bed, in the tub, or on the couch, acutely aware of my shaking knees and the dizziness that ensued with every movement. My internet has been down for a couple of weeks, and today would have been the perfect time to spend an hour on hold with Shaw trying to solve the problem. But did I? No, of course not. Laziness begets laziness. The more bored I became, the more difficult it was to get off my ass and do something about it.

I’m reading "The Way the Crow Flies" and I’ve become completely emotionally involved with this book. At first I was just in love with the main character, Madeleine, an 8-year-old feisty imaginative girl that reminds me so much of myself. It takes place just after the Second World War, and there is a definite element of mystique between the lines of this book. So I have found myself reliving my childhood fantasy of being an international spy. Don’t laugh! This is a true story! The danger, the thrill, the espionage…what more could a curious girl ask for? I think about that time in my life, when I actually believed the world was my oyster, and there was no good reason why I couldn’t be a spy. I remember the love of life I had back then. I think about going back to work tomorrow, writing systematic reviews. Fuck. What has my life come to? Sitting at a desk, my 5th one at this job by the way, staring at a computer, trying to answer questions that I have absolutely no interest in answering. Where’s the danger, the thrill, the espionage? I NEED MORE! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like I need to dress in black, be equipped with 47 guns and glasses that take pictures of things, and travel off to far-away lands to seduce Russians into telling me their secrets. I just need more passion in my work!

God speed the missionaries

2004-11-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

So I just turned down a “deputy director” position in Mozambique because I had a serious case of an illness called “morality”. Damn. There are days when I simply wish I were somebody else. I spend so much time dreaming about Africa, remembering Africa, longing for Africa, and then an opportunity like this comes up and I have to turn it down. Why? Because the offer came from a Christian organization. And although I have tremendous respect for the relief work this organization does, hell would have to freeze over before I would allow myself to be the poster girl for them. It’s frustrating….I was just reading about Darfur in the Sudan. There are more than 25 Christian aid organizations at work in that region. This, to me, seems even worse than colonialism (in fact, colonialism can be blamed for the Christianization of Africa, come to think of it).

I may be overly cynical here, but here’s how it looks to me: oh look! A famished country with inter-fighting – all of these people living in the grips of fear! Let’s go pretend to help them! Let’s go set up a top-notch elite hospital. Just say you accept Jesus as your personal saviour and you too can receive state-of-the-art western treatment! Oh, you’re a Muslim? Sorry…all beds are taken.

When I think of my experiences in Africa in terms of western culture and Christianity, it’s hard to even see the distinction. And I find it disconcerting that traditional African culture and values are seen as inferior to the empty promises of the Church. One of the questions I asked of the families that participated in my project in Uganda was if they feared getting TB. Many people answered along the lines of “it’s God’s plan”. It all just seemed so defeatist to me, like they didn’t believe that they could actually take precautions to protect themselves against disease.

I guess part of me can understand why this sort of belief system would be beneficial. They suffer so much – poverty, famine, AIDS and other illnesses, disempowerment, etc. It’s hard to love life when you are surrounded by so much death and destruction. So I guess the whole “God’s plan” thing lets people believe in an ultimate higher purpose for it all. But I think it also has the potential to extinguish free will, and the desire to fight for life, for love, for democracy, for happiness.

The African spirit is one of courage, laughter, love and an admirable respect for themselves, and for life. I witnessed a woman being beaten by her husband in the field one day. I was crying, and I wanted so badly to jump out of the truck and scream at the asshole, but naturally my companions wouldn’t let me. He was hitting her with a stick. She was probably bleeding. Each time she fell to her knees, she would stand up again and wave her fists at him and scream and yell, and each time he would knock her back down again. Part of me wished she would just lie down and take it so he would stop. But she wasn’t going to let him take her power away like that. I couldn’t help but respect her. I can imagine the conversation I would’ve had if I could’ve talked to that woman afterwards….I guarantee she wouldn’t say “it’s god’s will that he beats me”.

So I sent an e-mail to this organization, thanking them for the offer, but turning it down. I told them I wasn’t a Christian. I told them I was a lesbian. The response: “thank you for your upfront honesty. We really need someone who can be a mentor of Christian values”. I wonder what she meant by that.

Me, reasonable?

2004-11-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why simple things always seem so complex – maybe I just have a nasty habit of complicating things, intellectualizing things instead of experiencing them. I don’t understand this part of me. I have a natural curiosity about the world, always asking questions, wondering why, looking for meaning in everything. I had an apple for breakfast, and instead of enjoying the taste, I was wondering what exactly made the peel red. I guess this makes me good at what I do, in terms of my job, but what about the rest of my life? I find myself second-guessing my thoughts, my feelings, my decisions because I have no “evidence” to base them on. Lately my intuition has been strong, gut instincts about things are occurring on a daily basis, and quite frankly it pisses me off. I feel like such a flake always saying “I feel, I feel, I feel”. I feel like I need to justify all of my emotions with a rational explanation. People don’t respect “it just doesn’t feel right” as an explanation, they want a good, solid reason. I guess I’m not a reasonable person. Lucky me.

Welcome to my life!

2004-11-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

Ok. I have been home from Africa for, oh 8 months now, and still people talk about my emails. My life here at home is waaaaaaaaaay less exciting than my life overseas, but I want to share it anyway. Y'all know how I like to talk. And think. And dream. And talk about what I'm thinking about dreaming of next. So keep checking back for the updates. I might surprise you one day.