I'll keep it short and simple....Shelley lost her keys the other day while we were shopping for my glasses. Her car-starter-alarm-thingy was on her key chain, so naturally and justifiably she was concerned. But, you see, I had a FEELING that they weren't lost. We looked high and low for these keys, but to no avail. I do believe Shelley had just come to the conclusion that they were gone forever. But I still had a FEELING that they weren't lost. Shelley just looked at me and said "you and your feelings". Boy, if I had a dime for every time I heard that line! Well, anyway, coming home last night, I found a big sign on the apt bulletin board "Lost set of keys in manager's office". So, I marched down to the office this morning, and sure enough, there were Shelley's keys! So they weren't lost afterall....the moral of the story is....LISTEN to your FEELINGS! Or at least listen to mine.....:-)
You have no idea how hard it is to type right now....I got a set of knives for Christmas and I cut my finger already. Geez.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
time flies, eh?
Well Christmas is over....survived another one. Phew! Actually, it wasn't too bad this year...there was no drama and I got spoiled rotten, of course. Shelley came to Christmas Eve with my family and we all had a blast...the majority of the jokes revolved around me, but hey, I'm used to that! I made Cosmos all night, so everyone was VERY happy. Tim and Erin hosted their very first Christmas dinner, and it went off without a hitch...Erin very kindly had lots of vegetarian options for me. Unfortunately Shelley couldn't join us, as she was eating roasted beaver with her family. :)
And now I'm on holidays all week! Today is all about spoiling myself....I've got a hair appointment in a few minutes, eyebrow waxing later this afternoon, and an eye appointment in between...I got new glasses from Santa and they are fantabulous! And before you ask again, Darren, yes, I will post a picture! New glasses AND a power suit! Ottawa won't be able to resist me now!
I accidently called Shelley Kristy the other day...that was a very big oops and I felt awful. I was more upset than Shelley was, I think. I don't know what I did right to have such understanding women in my life.
Anyway....gotta run to that hair appointment. I've been having such great hair days lately - I'm almost afraid to mess with it!
And now I'm on holidays all week! Today is all about spoiling myself....I've got a hair appointment in a few minutes, eyebrow waxing later this afternoon, and an eye appointment in between...I got new glasses from Santa and they are fantabulous! And before you ask again, Darren, yes, I will post a picture! New glasses AND a power suit! Ottawa won't be able to resist me now!
I accidently called Shelley Kristy the other day...that was a very big oops and I felt awful. I was more upset than Shelley was, I think. I don't know what I did right to have such understanding women in my life.
Anyway....gotta run to that hair appointment. I've been having such great hair days lately - I'm almost afraid to mess with it!
Thursday, December 23, 2004
imagine me in a power suit...now stop drooling!
Shelley took me shopping for a power suit for my interview last night - I took advantage of the massive sales and purchased myself a snazzy don't-mess-with-me-or-else power suit. I found a couple I liked, but I couldn't rely on Shelley's opinion for anything because she thinks I look good in everything...:-). Anyway, I had it narrowed down to a simple but classic grey suit, and this awesome black one with lime green trim. Of course I went for the lime green/black combo...it is sufficiently professional, with just enough lime green to make it funky. All the girls at work believe this requires a new pair of shoes.....hmmm...more shopping!
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
geez, does it ever end?
I find it rather funny that when good things happen, I tend to jump for joy, gather friends, and go out and celebrate. But everytime I experience a negative emotion, it gets jotted down on this blog...so all you reading this must thing I am a depressive whiny lazy-ass. Which i am not, for the record. :-) It's just that usually this negative stuff is so very temporary, and usually once I sit down at my computer and hammer it all out I feel much better.
And what's the problem this time, you might ask? Well, as of lately, it can only be one thing, the only thing that makes me cry these days - KB. It's solstice today, and I sent her a card. Why? Well because I was thinking of her and missing her. And I feel like an ass for being hurt when I have no right to be hurt. For letting her know how hurt I am when that's the last thing she needs in her happy little love-filled life right now. And for withdrawing what might have been an amazing friendship because my heart hurts too much to see her or hear her voice. She told me she's sore....she's had a crazy onslaught of various injuries. And what's my reaction to that? I feel terrible for her! I sympathize for her! I want to send her something cheerful in the mail so that she can forget the pains in her body for a few minutes. But I was able to just tuck all that away and get on with my day just fine, thank you very much.
And then, mere minutes ago, in a desperate moment of weakness, I looked at her on-line diary. I haven't done that in quite some time - I feel rather intrusive, since we aren't sharing things with each other at the moment. She has answered a survey about 2004. And she mentions me a couple of times. And I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, I don't. It caused me stress to see my name there and I don't know why. But seeing how obviously excited she is about the imminent arrival of her gf hurt like hell. It's amazing that I could be sooooooo disapointed in life and love all because of a couple of months talking to a woman I barely know, a woman I didn't date, a woman "who tried to love me the way I loved her" but simply couldn't.
The thing is, I don't want to date her anymore. I don't trust her heart, her judgements, her actions. I'm sure that will change - she is a remarkable woman, definitely worthy of trust. I just need time, I guess. Obviously, I would never want to be with someone who didn't feel love for me, but I still sometimes have moments where I wish she did feel for me.
I thought I knew! I thought we would have a lifetime together! I really did! Maybe those instincts were right....maybe we ARE meant to have a lifetime together - as friends - through all of the suprises life brings. The thought of that makes me quite happy...because I miss talking to her. But I don't know how to get there....it still hurts. I would like to be able to share her excitement about her girl, listen to her talk about her and be happy and supportive, but I can't!
I should really just give up on it all and move to the desert. I like it there.
And what's the problem this time, you might ask? Well, as of lately, it can only be one thing, the only thing that makes me cry these days - KB. It's solstice today, and I sent her a card. Why? Well because I was thinking of her and missing her. And I feel like an ass for being hurt when I have no right to be hurt. For letting her know how hurt I am when that's the last thing she needs in her happy little love-filled life right now. And for withdrawing what might have been an amazing friendship because my heart hurts too much to see her or hear her voice. She told me she's sore....she's had a crazy onslaught of various injuries. And what's my reaction to that? I feel terrible for her! I sympathize for her! I want to send her something cheerful in the mail so that she can forget the pains in her body for a few minutes. But I was able to just tuck all that away and get on with my day just fine, thank you very much.
And then, mere minutes ago, in a desperate moment of weakness, I looked at her on-line diary. I haven't done that in quite some time - I feel rather intrusive, since we aren't sharing things with each other at the moment. She has answered a survey about 2004. And she mentions me a couple of times. And I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, I don't. It caused me stress to see my name there and I don't know why. But seeing how obviously excited she is about the imminent arrival of her gf hurt like hell. It's amazing that I could be sooooooo disapointed in life and love all because of a couple of months talking to a woman I barely know, a woman I didn't date, a woman "who tried to love me the way I loved her" but simply couldn't.
The thing is, I don't want to date her anymore. I don't trust her heart, her judgements, her actions. I'm sure that will change - she is a remarkable woman, definitely worthy of trust. I just need time, I guess. Obviously, I would never want to be with someone who didn't feel love for me, but I still sometimes have moments where I wish she did feel for me.
I thought I knew! I thought we would have a lifetime together! I really did! Maybe those instincts were right....maybe we ARE meant to have a lifetime together - as friends - through all of the suprises life brings. The thought of that makes me quite happy...because I miss talking to her. But I don't know how to get there....it still hurts. I would like to be able to share her excitement about her girl, listen to her talk about her and be happy and supportive, but I can't!
I should really just give up on it all and move to the desert. I like it there.
arguing with homophobes: i love my dreams
Last Thursday I went to a lecture called "How to argue with homophobes: feminist advice for troubled times". It was an enlightening experience, largely because I found some kindred spirits who feel the same way I do about some things, namely, same-sex marriage. You see, I have come to the conclusion that I don't really agree with the concept of marriage in general (this is not to say I will never get married, well, married according to my own definition of marriage anyway). I just happen to believe that the "institute" of marriage has changed so significantly over the last few decades, as has the whole family concept - this is not just because of changing patterns in religious thought/belief/practice, but because of changing economies and job markets, a higher-mobility society, different family dynamics, etc. I mean everyone knows that marriages are failing left, right and center. We have large numbers of single-parent families, unstable family/home situations/etc. The point I'm trying to get to is that there are alternative ways to live as a couple or as a family. However, because I am gay, I feel I HAVE to fight for same-sex marriage - to actually say to the straight world that I don't agree with marriage as a concept would only be co-opted by the enemy - you know what I mean.
The other interesting thing about this lecture was the concensus that we might be fighting the wrong battle when it comes to same-sex marriage. It's not necessarily the right to marry that we should be concerned about, it is actually being considered "persons" under the law. And, if you look at our history, it was not all that long ago when women were finally considered persons. So I suspect that us gay people are a long way from being considered people.
I've been thinking about this. When I look at myself and my circle of friends and how we process these issues, we tend to focus on the concrete things that affect us as individuals, or as part of a homosexual couple. This makes sense - we want to marry the person we love, but we can't. We want to share benefits (and we can now, to an extent). We want to be welcomed home for Christmas without being judged. We want to hold our partner's hand in public without fear of the consequences. It takes a certain process of thought to tie it all together to fight the war to get us recognized in the constitution. But I suppose it's these little battles, like same-sex marriage, that will get us there.
Anyway, of course there was a small discussion around the whole purpose of marriage being to procreate. Why no one ever talks about infertile straight couples, or couples that choose not to have children, or people who marry too old to have children, is beyond me - their marriages are still legitimate. But whatever. This conversation carried over into a dream I had the other night:
I was a nun in training. Me and the other trainees were told that we had one final test to perform to prove our devotion to God - we had to procreate (I understand that this is completely all wrong, but hey, it's a dream). I was SO angry that to go through this. I couldn't understand how it would prove anything. But, I went along with it. Us nuns were paraded into a room and we were each given a white poker chip. Then they shuffled in a bunch of men. We got to choose which one we procreated with by offering our poker to chip to whomever we fancied. Well, there was one man who was actually a woman pretending to be a man. Of course I picked up on this right away and offered her my poker chip. Then we got down to business. When the other nuns realized what had happened, I was whisked away to a small, solitary cell to recover from what they consider a very traumatizing experiencing. I was crying, not because of the trauma, but because I was upset they took me away from her. They mistook my tears for pain and fear, and excused me from the procreation excercise. I was elated.
The other interesting thing about this lecture was the concensus that we might be fighting the wrong battle when it comes to same-sex marriage. It's not necessarily the right to marry that we should be concerned about, it is actually being considered "persons" under the law. And, if you look at our history, it was not all that long ago when women were finally considered persons. So I suspect that us gay people are a long way from being considered people.
I've been thinking about this. When I look at myself and my circle of friends and how we process these issues, we tend to focus on the concrete things that affect us as individuals, or as part of a homosexual couple. This makes sense - we want to marry the person we love, but we can't. We want to share benefits (and we can now, to an extent). We want to be welcomed home for Christmas without being judged. We want to hold our partner's hand in public without fear of the consequences. It takes a certain process of thought to tie it all together to fight the war to get us recognized in the constitution. But I suppose it's these little battles, like same-sex marriage, that will get us there.
Anyway, of course there was a small discussion around the whole purpose of marriage being to procreate. Why no one ever talks about infertile straight couples, or couples that choose not to have children, or people who marry too old to have children, is beyond me - their marriages are still legitimate. But whatever. This conversation carried over into a dream I had the other night:
I was a nun in training. Me and the other trainees were told that we had one final test to perform to prove our devotion to God - we had to procreate (I understand that this is completely all wrong, but hey, it's a dream). I was SO angry that to go through this. I couldn't understand how it would prove anything. But, I went along with it. Us nuns were paraded into a room and we were each given a white poker chip. Then they shuffled in a bunch of men. We got to choose which one we procreated with by offering our poker to chip to whomever we fancied. Well, there was one man who was actually a woman pretending to be a man. Of course I picked up on this right away and offered her my poker chip. Then we got down to business. When the other nuns realized what had happened, I was whisked away to a small, solitary cell to recover from what they consider a very traumatizing experiencing. I was crying, not because of the trauma, but because I was upset they took me away from her. They mistook my tears for pain and fear, and excused me from the procreation excercise. I was elated.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
pissed off at "The Onion"
I started writing this entry pissed off at The Onion for satirizing genocide, but as I started summarizing the points they made, they kind of highlight the issues nicely: oil, ethnicity, the UN, etc. And while I certainly don't think genocide is a laughing matter, and they crossed the line by having a photo of a billboard advertising the "official machete" of the genocide, they did a good job getting their point across.
You can read it at http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4050
An article on The Onion this week jokes about Nigeria being host to the "2008 Genocides". The whole point of the article is to point out how ethnic strife is on the rise in Nigeria (Christians vs Muslims), all because of, you guessed it, oil, compounded by a dependence on food imports, a volatile economy, and the recent dodgy elections. And of course the recent polio outbreak doesn't help matters either. They discuss how Rwanda is a much better choice than Tajikistan (cuz that conflict may or may not continue) and Iraq ( cuz there may not be an Iraq by 2008). Combine all this with the predictable UN response: "the slow-to-move, ineffectual UN will do everything it can to help shepherd Nigeria into a combined religious, political, and economic disaster of horrific proportions", nd you have a national crisis on your hands.
And, of course, Nigeria will dig its own grave by "defaulting on our $2 billion IMF loan, investing the entire treasury in the overhead-heavy petroleum business, and turning a blind eye to regional guerrilla groups. That'd be a good start. After that, food shipments must fall into rebel hands, armed forces must go unpaid, and the emerging national infrastructure must be allowed to deteriorate." And although the "West" has traditionally turned a blind eye to such ethnic conficts (they occur in a different time zone, you see), this genocide will be difference because there's OIL at stake.
You can read it at http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4050
An article on The Onion this week jokes about Nigeria being host to the "2008 Genocides". The whole point of the article is to point out how ethnic strife is on the rise in Nigeria (Christians vs Muslims), all because of, you guessed it, oil, compounded by a dependence on food imports, a volatile economy, and the recent dodgy elections. And of course the recent polio outbreak doesn't help matters either. They discuss how Rwanda is a much better choice than Tajikistan (cuz that conflict may or may not continue) and Iraq ( cuz there may not be an Iraq by 2008). Combine all this with the predictable UN response: "the slow-to-move, ineffectual UN will do everything it can to help shepherd Nigeria into a combined religious, political, and economic disaster of horrific proportions", nd you have a national crisis on your hands.
And, of course, Nigeria will dig its own grave by "defaulting on our $2 billion IMF loan, investing the entire treasury in the overhead-heavy petroleum business, and turning a blind eye to regional guerrilla groups. That'd be a good start. After that, food shipments must fall into rebel hands, armed forces must go unpaid, and the emerging national infrastructure must be allowed to deteriorate." And although the "West" has traditionally turned a blind eye to such ethnic conficts (they occur in a different time zone, you see), this genocide will be difference because there's OIL at stake.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
i saw a shooting star last night
It seems to me that I have been blessed lately. I like it when good things happen in waves. Last night I was dogsitting for a friend at work. I took Keeta to a dog park, and the two of us played in the snow for an hour. It was such a beautiful night, the sky was clear, the air was crisp. I felt good. It made me intensely joyful to watch Keeta run, her tail wagging, her cute little feet making cute little footprints in the snow. Every once in awhile she would run up to me and nestle against my legs, and look up at me with her big sparkling brown eyes, one ear straight up, the other one flopped down. I whistled Christmas tunes, and spend an unusual amount of time staring up at the stars. While I was contemplating the events of the last couple of weeks I saw a shooting star. And I knew everything was going to be okay. Oh my god I'm a sap. :-)
Monday, December 13, 2004
making progress
Well, I had a damn good weekend, thanks to my wonderful friends who kept my body busy and my mind occupied. I managed to muster the courage to delete her photos off of my computer, cancel my long distance phone plan, erase her last message off of my phone...you know, the purge stage. I just don't want reminders of her around, because I miss her and I feel like an idiot. But whatever. What can I do? I said something nasty about her Friday night (not even all that nasty, I think I called her a heartbreaker or something like that) and Vickie put her stern motherly face on and said, "Michelle, don't be like that, you know she's a nice girl". Which is true, she is, so I have been nice to her in my head ever since. But I'm still pissed off. ;-)
Friday night the whole group of us went to shinny....we had a BLAST. There were only like 14 of us, so there was a lot of icetime for each of us. I find shinny a great place to learn, the girls who go are patient with us beginner-types and I love it. Plus, I played on the opposite side as all my friends, so we got to knock each other around....life doesn't get much better than that! And of course we went out for wings and beer (well, actually, I had spinach dip and iced tea but who's counting).
I dragged some friends to the Butterdome Craft Sale with me....it was funny seeing Shelley there...her friends made fun of her too...such a butch girl at such a girly place! But she bought a few things, so I guess her image is all shot to hell now! And I ran into Janet there....always nice to see her....always hear the same things...Gunnar's good, the house isn't done yet....one day soon that girl will have something new to report! And then we went on a bit of a shopping spree at Value Village....50% off sale! I got a great pair of cords and a funky 1970s polyester shirt and a few other things....nice!
Sunday was lazy, lazy, lazy and I loved it. Plus I had shrimp creole for lunch (Da De O's rocks). To top it all off, I had a great hair weekend....things are looking up!
Oh, and mom is all in the holiday spirit....she wants to take me for lunch and a movie between xmas and New Year's. I don't understand this woman, but whatever! I think we'll go see Spanglish.....and of course I'm she Kristy's going to go see it with her gf once she arrives in Alberta. Damn women.
Friday night the whole group of us went to shinny....we had a BLAST. There were only like 14 of us, so there was a lot of icetime for each of us. I find shinny a great place to learn, the girls who go are patient with us beginner-types and I love it. Plus, I played on the opposite side as all my friends, so we got to knock each other around....life doesn't get much better than that! And of course we went out for wings and beer (well, actually, I had spinach dip and iced tea but who's counting).
I dragged some friends to the Butterdome Craft Sale with me....it was funny seeing Shelley there...her friends made fun of her too...such a butch girl at such a girly place! But she bought a few things, so I guess her image is all shot to hell now! And I ran into Janet there....always nice to see her....always hear the same things...Gunnar's good, the house isn't done yet....one day soon that girl will have something new to report! And then we went on a bit of a shopping spree at Value Village....50% off sale! I got a great pair of cords and a funky 1970s polyester shirt and a few other things....nice!
Sunday was lazy, lazy, lazy and I loved it. Plus I had shrimp creole for lunch (Da De O's rocks). To top it all off, I had a great hair weekend....things are looking up!
Oh, and mom is all in the holiday spirit....she wants to take me for lunch and a movie between xmas and New Year's. I don't understand this woman, but whatever! I think we'll go see Spanglish.....and of course I'm she Kristy's going to go see it with her gf once she arrives in Alberta. Damn women.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
serendipity
I want to write, but I don't know where to start! It's amazing how much life can change in 24 hours. I know that everything happens exactly the way it should, but it would sure be nice to be given the master plan ahead of time....na, I don't really mean that. There's some fun in the mystery.
Anyway, I need to get out all the hurt, pain, and anger in regards to K. But it's not what I want to write about. I miss her, that's a strong feeling. I'm hurt and disappointed....those feelings are constant, underneath everything I do these days. And I'm angry. It's funny, what angers me the most is knowing that as we were having our last chat a couple of days ago, she was relaying the whole thing to her gf. You see, it was soooooo painful for me to read the words she was typing to me. So hard, I had to let go of so much hope, and all she could do was describe what she thinks as my inappropriate reactions to her. I wonder if she even understands how I was/am feeling. If she did, she would have respected me a bit more and at least kept MY feelings private. This is why it is so hard sharing intimate parts of yourself....the people you share with get intimate with others and share YOUR secrets. I felt things with her that I've never felt before....so much about her was a new experience for me, so I had a whole hell of a lot more than just her to let go of. I have the sense that things are not over between us...I don't trust her....I don't want to date her....not anymore, at least....but I think we will find a friendship or something further down the road. When I'm not so angry! And when she's got her poop in a proverbial group as well.
Anyway....the day after my heart broke into a million pieces, I got a bunch of great news. I couldn't stop smiling all day, because although one dream was ending, another one was starting to come true! You know things are "meant to be" when all the pieces fall into place without any effort at all. First....our office manager stops me in the hallway to tell me that HR discovered that they hadn't been paying me vacation pay since February, and that $1000 was owed to me....nice Christmas present, eh? An hour or two later, I get a phone call from the Field Epi office in Ottawa....they called to let me know that I GOT AN INTERVIEW!!!!!! I had to write a big, crazy exam to get this interview, and apparently I did really well on it! I stared my MSc with the plans of doing this training program afterwards....I was literally doing cartwheels down the hallway at work when I found out I got the interview. I'm STILL all excited about it. And then , the next day, they emailed me to tell me they were paying for my flight, hotel, and taxi. Sweet!!!!
So that's my news....the interview is Jan 10, and I have a few days off after Christmas, so I can study, study, study! I have the very first interiew spot, so I'm a bit stressed about that....I feel like I have to set a good standard...and I probably will... ;-)
If I get this position, it almost definitely means a move out of the province....I have mixed emotions about that. I love Edmonton, my friends, hockey, all that jazz....but the thought of learning a new city and meeting new people totally energizes me! I can't wait to see how this all works out in the end.....
Anyway, I need to get out all the hurt, pain, and anger in regards to K. But it's not what I want to write about. I miss her, that's a strong feeling. I'm hurt and disappointed....those feelings are constant, underneath everything I do these days. And I'm angry. It's funny, what angers me the most is knowing that as we were having our last chat a couple of days ago, she was relaying the whole thing to her gf. You see, it was soooooo painful for me to read the words she was typing to me. So hard, I had to let go of so much hope, and all she could do was describe what she thinks as my inappropriate reactions to her. I wonder if she even understands how I was/am feeling. If she did, she would have respected me a bit more and at least kept MY feelings private. This is why it is so hard sharing intimate parts of yourself....the people you share with get intimate with others and share YOUR secrets. I felt things with her that I've never felt before....so much about her was a new experience for me, so I had a whole hell of a lot more than just her to let go of. I have the sense that things are not over between us...I don't trust her....I don't want to date her....not anymore, at least....but I think we will find a friendship or something further down the road. When I'm not so angry! And when she's got her poop in a proverbial group as well.
Anyway....the day after my heart broke into a million pieces, I got a bunch of great news. I couldn't stop smiling all day, because although one dream was ending, another one was starting to come true! You know things are "meant to be" when all the pieces fall into place without any effort at all. First....our office manager stops me in the hallway to tell me that HR discovered that they hadn't been paying me vacation pay since February, and that $1000 was owed to me....nice Christmas present, eh? An hour or two later, I get a phone call from the Field Epi office in Ottawa....they called to let me know that I GOT AN INTERVIEW!!!!!! I had to write a big, crazy exam to get this interview, and apparently I did really well on it! I stared my MSc with the plans of doing this training program afterwards....I was literally doing cartwheels down the hallway at work when I found out I got the interview. I'm STILL all excited about it. And then , the next day, they emailed me to tell me they were paying for my flight, hotel, and taxi. Sweet!!!!
So that's my news....the interview is Jan 10, and I have a few days off after Christmas, so I can study, study, study! I have the very first interiew spot, so I'm a bit stressed about that....I feel like I have to set a good standard...and I probably will... ;-)
If I get this position, it almost definitely means a move out of the province....I have mixed emotions about that. I love Edmonton, my friends, hockey, all that jazz....but the thought of learning a new city and meeting new people totally energizes me! I can't wait to see how this all works out in the end.....
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Eavesdropping
On coffee break this morning I overheard part of a conversation between a well-dressed, affluent woman and a scruffy man with an accent. She said to him, “Think of your life six months from now, a year from now. Now think of her with you at that time. How does it feel? How would it feel to not have her in your life? That’s how you know what to do”. The man responded with silence, his head hanging low.
When in doubt, listen to the wise ones
Here is a quote that I just read on Darren's blog. I find it particularly relevant at the moment:
Truth is a pathless land. Man cannot come to it through any organization, through any creed, through any dogma, priest or ritual, nor through any philosophical knowledge or psychological technique. He has to find it through the mirror of relationship, through the understanding of the contents of his own mind, through observation and not through intellectual analysis or introspective dissection.-- J. Krishnamurti
Words of the wise to Michelle, pay attention you silly girl: stop looking outside of yourself for the answers, stop talking about looking inward and actually do it, and stop overanalyzing everything. Methinks sometimes things ARE as simple as they seem.
Monday, December 06, 2004
truth = justification = absolution? I don't think so!
I planned to go to a movie last night. I like doing this - I like getting lost in the lives of fictional people for a few hours. And I like doing this alone. There is a certain kind of comfortable solitude that can only be found in the anonymous company of a movie theater. However, a friend from work ended up coming with me, and her insights into the movie definitely overpowered the benefits of going alone.
Anyway, we saw Closer. What a nasty-assed movie! I mean I loved it, but my god brutal honestly is hard to swallow sometimes. I guess we all like to think we are nice people capable of real love, but geez, it's not as easy as the movies usually make it out to be. What you have in this movie are four extremely flawed, emotionally dysfunctional, fatally human characters. Throughout the film we watch them interact with each other as they struggle with love, partnership, infidelity, self-worth and self-definition. It's just nasty. Anyone who's honest with themselves will see parts of themselves in these characters. This movie was just full of irony - a total delight for the film buff! At one point, one of the character expects forgiveness for admitting the truth about his infidelity. My friend asked "Since when does truth equal justification?" Excellent question.
Of all the things from this movie, this is what I've thought about the most. We (or at least I) tend to place a huge amount of importance on truth telling, honesty, openness. I've always believed that there are also some things that are better left unsaid, not in the name of deceit or secret-keeping or dishonesty, but because sometimes there is truth in silence. Sometimes silence can say more than words ever can. You know those moments of intense connection that occur in silence? Well, that's a certain kind of communication that transends vocabulary. I love you can mean anything, but that feeling you get lying in the arms of the one you love speaks the true meaning of those words.
But yet there is sometimes something rather manipulative in honesty. Well, not in honesty itself, but in the way it is used. The way you can make a stupid mistake, but then assume that being honest about making it gets you off the hook. Or the way your words say one thing, but you actions say another, and at the end of it all you save yourself by saying "I've always been honest with you, blah, blah, blah, I've always TOLD you how I felt." Honest words do not justify dishonest actions.
You know how sometimes you feel like you've been misled, deceived, lied to, yet you know that the person in question has been honest with you? Well I think this explains some of that. There is so much communication that goes on beneath the words....I'm talking about body language, energy, the whole eyes-are-the-windows-to-the-soul thing. There is choice in words, there's not necessarily choice in those other things. And because of that we place more importance on that verbal communication. It's more concrete, it's more conscious. But it's not necessarily truth!
But whatever...that was a whole lot of nonsense...
On another note.....I want to be a photographer. I keep coming back to this idea, and I know that it's something I need to pursue. So, as soon as I finish my fucking pain-in-the-ass thesis, I think I'm going to look into night photography school. I don't want to do baby portraits or weddings necessarily, but rather artsy stuff as a hobby. I've got all these great ideas in my head, but don't really understand the technology enought to make it happen. :)
Anyway, we saw Closer. What a nasty-assed movie! I mean I loved it, but my god brutal honestly is hard to swallow sometimes. I guess we all like to think we are nice people capable of real love, but geez, it's not as easy as the movies usually make it out to be. What you have in this movie are four extremely flawed, emotionally dysfunctional, fatally human characters. Throughout the film we watch them interact with each other as they struggle with love, partnership, infidelity, self-worth and self-definition. It's just nasty. Anyone who's honest with themselves will see parts of themselves in these characters. This movie was just full of irony - a total delight for the film buff! At one point, one of the character expects forgiveness for admitting the truth about his infidelity. My friend asked "Since when does truth equal justification?" Excellent question.
Of all the things from this movie, this is what I've thought about the most. We (or at least I) tend to place a huge amount of importance on truth telling, honesty, openness. I've always believed that there are also some things that are better left unsaid, not in the name of deceit or secret-keeping or dishonesty, but because sometimes there is truth in silence. Sometimes silence can say more than words ever can. You know those moments of intense connection that occur in silence? Well, that's a certain kind of communication that transends vocabulary. I love you can mean anything, but that feeling you get lying in the arms of the one you love speaks the true meaning of those words.
But yet there is sometimes something rather manipulative in honesty. Well, not in honesty itself, but in the way it is used. The way you can make a stupid mistake, but then assume that being honest about making it gets you off the hook. Or the way your words say one thing, but you actions say another, and at the end of it all you save yourself by saying "I've always been honest with you, blah, blah, blah, I've always TOLD you how I felt." Honest words do not justify dishonest actions.
You know how sometimes you feel like you've been misled, deceived, lied to, yet you know that the person in question has been honest with you? Well I think this explains some of that. There is so much communication that goes on beneath the words....I'm talking about body language, energy, the whole eyes-are-the-windows-to-the-soul thing. There is choice in words, there's not necessarily choice in those other things. And because of that we place more importance on that verbal communication. It's more concrete, it's more conscious. But it's not necessarily truth!
But whatever...that was a whole lot of nonsense...
On another note.....I want to be a photographer. I keep coming back to this idea, and I know that it's something I need to pursue. So, as soon as I finish my fucking pain-in-the-ass thesis, I think I'm going to look into night photography school. I don't want to do baby portraits or weddings necessarily, but rather artsy stuff as a hobby. I've got all these great ideas in my head, but don't really understand the technology enought to make it happen. :)
que sera sera
Ok. So I’m in a pickle. Well la-di-da. We all get into uncomfortable situations at one time or another. Although I would love to just go hide under a rock and evade reality for the rest of my life, I realize that this is going to get me nowhere. And as easy as wallowing in self pity may be, I have decided that enough is enough. I am generally positive by nature, so positive is what I will be. Being negative and assuming the worst is going to get me nowhere. So, I’m saying enough. I will be happy, dammit! I need a new outlook on my life, that’s all. I’m healthy, I’ve got great friends, I have everything I really need, so suck it up princess!
If I look at this from a logical perspective (and, yes, I am capable of logic every once in awhile) this is what I see: 2 issues are weighing me down – my heart and my job. If I look at my job situation, it really isn’t all that bad. Yes, I hate it. Yes, I deserve better. Yes, I am bored to death. But I am taking steps in the right direction. I’m looking, I’m applying for things, I’m seeking out the opportunities. And something is going to come up soon. I’m not worried about that, I never was. It’s just a matter of finding a way to be content in the meantime. And I’ve been making progress with that too. I’m taking on a couple of new projects which at least keeps my mind occupied. Keeping busy at work is definitely key right now.
My heart, however, may be a completely different matter. It’s very difficult to rationalize matters of the heart. I’m in love with someone who doesn’t want me. Logic would dictate that I should just give it up and move on. However, as much as I have tried over the past couple of weeks to turn those feelings off, I have not been successful. Not at all. I have managed to get angry, but that’s it. What angers me the most is how I have been acting as of late. Feelings of rejection, feelings of jealousy, feelings of inadequacy have plagued me. I know better than to take rejection personally, I know that there is no reason to feel jealous and there’s certainly no reason to feel inadequate. And yet I do. I feel these things.
I’ve been talking to a friend about these feelings, and I know the advice she has for me is true: she reminds me that I need to reconnect to myself (I’ve been saying that all along, haven’t I?). She says the answers are all available to me, I just have to be open to receiving them. She’s told me to meditate. And of course I know she’s right. And she keeps asking me what I’m afraid of, what exactly is holding me back from reconnecting. Because she sees reluctance in me, reluctance to face the truth. And again, she’s right. S, you are a wise woman.
I wonder what I really am afraid of. I still think this is a trust issue. I don’t trust myself. There is no sense reconnecting and looking inward if I’m not going to trust what I find. I’m not feeling safe in my heart right now, so why would I be inclined to go deeper within myself? I know all I need to do is just suck it up, take the plunge, and decide to do it. I know it’s as easy as that. You know, this is how I learned to swim as a kid – I got thrown off the end of the pier into the lake, and surprise, surprise, my body just knew what to do to keep me afloat. So I know that if I hurl myself off of my superficial safe haven into the ocean of Michelle, I will know how to keep myself afloat there too. But whatever.
I just had a great weekend with someone, someone who really cares about me and is wise beyond her years. Someone who’s free, available, and wants to be with me. But I don’t have with her what I have with my “emotional soul mate”. But there’s no denying that there is some kind of spark between us. Is it sexual? Is it merely lust? Is it something to fill the void that my soul mate has left in me? Is it real?
How do I deal with this and be fair to everyone involved? I can’t be with one woman if my heart is with another woman. But I don’t want to spend my life loving someone who can’t return it. And it feels so good to be with S. But is that real? My instinct is to try to hold out a little longer for my love, find the strength to love quietly, be her friend, and be patient for a while longer. I don’t feel our journey together is over yet. But is this a real instinct or a reluctance to let go?
My favourite poet, Rumi, has described love in this way:
“The power of love came into me, and I became fierce like a lion, then tender like the evening stars”.
So I think it’s time for me to let the lion sleep and become like the evening stars, shining brightly, but gently, and from a distance, letting her know that I’m here, watching over her, but not interfering.
I’m on hiatus from my soul mate for awhile. I need to get these insane feelings under control before they destroy me or her and our connection. I need to go on a hiatus from S as well. I need to be on my own, free from influence. So I guess that’s what I’m going to do. Avoid any situation that could possibly turn romantic. And then just sit tight for awhile. What’s meant to happen will happen, whatever will be, will be. I just gotta find a way to be patient. Like, that’s such an unfair thing to ask of an Aries. Oh well.
Rumi also said “Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” That’s a nice thought, isn’t it?
If I look at this from a logical perspective (and, yes, I am capable of logic every once in awhile) this is what I see: 2 issues are weighing me down – my heart and my job. If I look at my job situation, it really isn’t all that bad. Yes, I hate it. Yes, I deserve better. Yes, I am bored to death. But I am taking steps in the right direction. I’m looking, I’m applying for things, I’m seeking out the opportunities. And something is going to come up soon. I’m not worried about that, I never was. It’s just a matter of finding a way to be content in the meantime. And I’ve been making progress with that too. I’m taking on a couple of new projects which at least keeps my mind occupied. Keeping busy at work is definitely key right now.
My heart, however, may be a completely different matter. It’s very difficult to rationalize matters of the heart. I’m in love with someone who doesn’t want me. Logic would dictate that I should just give it up and move on. However, as much as I have tried over the past couple of weeks to turn those feelings off, I have not been successful. Not at all. I have managed to get angry, but that’s it. What angers me the most is how I have been acting as of late. Feelings of rejection, feelings of jealousy, feelings of inadequacy have plagued me. I know better than to take rejection personally, I know that there is no reason to feel jealous and there’s certainly no reason to feel inadequate. And yet I do. I feel these things.
I’ve been talking to a friend about these feelings, and I know the advice she has for me is true: she reminds me that I need to reconnect to myself (I’ve been saying that all along, haven’t I?). She says the answers are all available to me, I just have to be open to receiving them. She’s told me to meditate. And of course I know she’s right. And she keeps asking me what I’m afraid of, what exactly is holding me back from reconnecting. Because she sees reluctance in me, reluctance to face the truth. And again, she’s right. S, you are a wise woman.
I wonder what I really am afraid of. I still think this is a trust issue. I don’t trust myself. There is no sense reconnecting and looking inward if I’m not going to trust what I find. I’m not feeling safe in my heart right now, so why would I be inclined to go deeper within myself? I know all I need to do is just suck it up, take the plunge, and decide to do it. I know it’s as easy as that. You know, this is how I learned to swim as a kid – I got thrown off the end of the pier into the lake, and surprise, surprise, my body just knew what to do to keep me afloat. So I know that if I hurl myself off of my superficial safe haven into the ocean of Michelle, I will know how to keep myself afloat there too. But whatever.
I just had a great weekend with someone, someone who really cares about me and is wise beyond her years. Someone who’s free, available, and wants to be with me. But I don’t have with her what I have with my “emotional soul mate”. But there’s no denying that there is some kind of spark between us. Is it sexual? Is it merely lust? Is it something to fill the void that my soul mate has left in me? Is it real?
How do I deal with this and be fair to everyone involved? I can’t be with one woman if my heart is with another woman. But I don’t want to spend my life loving someone who can’t return it. And it feels so good to be with S. But is that real? My instinct is to try to hold out a little longer for my love, find the strength to love quietly, be her friend, and be patient for a while longer. I don’t feel our journey together is over yet. But is this a real instinct or a reluctance to let go?
My favourite poet, Rumi, has described love in this way:
“The power of love came into me, and I became fierce like a lion, then tender like the evening stars”.
So I think it’s time for me to let the lion sleep and become like the evening stars, shining brightly, but gently, and from a distance, letting her know that I’m here, watching over her, but not interfering.
I’m on hiatus from my soul mate for awhile. I need to get these insane feelings under control before they destroy me or her and our connection. I need to go on a hiatus from S as well. I need to be on my own, free from influence. So I guess that’s what I’m going to do. Avoid any situation that could possibly turn romantic. And then just sit tight for awhile. What’s meant to happen will happen, whatever will be, will be. I just gotta find a way to be patient. Like, that’s such an unfair thing to ask of an Aries. Oh well.
Rumi also said “Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” That’s a nice thought, isn’t it?
Sunday, December 05, 2004
I had a GREAT time with the girls last night. There was so much food, so much fun, so much laughter - and lots of making fun of the L Word. Mmmm Shane.
But anyway, I'm too distracted to talk about the good stuff, naturally I need to dwell on the bad. I just had a fantastic day with someone...one of those great, lazy Sundays in front of the TV. I felt relaxed and rejuvinated. And then I turned on the computer to check my email. And because I am silly, I looked at "her" (why is it I'm afraid to type her name?) profile on the internet. And for some reason I was bothered because she changed her picture. She has one of my favourite pictures on there now - she has told me that it was taken on a very sad day, and when you click on the picture to see it a bit bigger, you can definitely see that she is sad. Makes me wonder why this is the version of herself she wants to portray to the world. So note to self - no more looking at her profile. It's only a constant reminder that she still hasn't found what she's looking for.
But whatever. I don't want to think about it, or her, anymore. I made a mistake by responding to her in the first place. I was seconds away from deleting my profile when she messaged me. I should've just ignored her and deleted my profile. I shouldn't have talked to her on the phone, I shouldn't have met her, I shouldn't have allowed myself the connection we had. And now I feel awful even typing those words, because of course I don't really wish any of these things.
I thought we had something, I really did. It was so tremendously hard for me to share some of the things I shared with her. And I imagine that she's sharing so much of what she shared with me with all these other women she has met on the internet. For some reason I feel betrayed, I feel misled, I feel used, and so very, very exposed. Which I know is silly, because she has done none of these things. She never would. So then why do I feel this way?
But anyway, I'm too distracted to talk about the good stuff, naturally I need to dwell on the bad. I just had a fantastic day with someone...one of those great, lazy Sundays in front of the TV. I felt relaxed and rejuvinated. And then I turned on the computer to check my email. And because I am silly, I looked at "her" (why is it I'm afraid to type her name?) profile on the internet. And for some reason I was bothered because she changed her picture. She has one of my favourite pictures on there now - she has told me that it was taken on a very sad day, and when you click on the picture to see it a bit bigger, you can definitely see that she is sad. Makes me wonder why this is the version of herself she wants to portray to the world. So note to self - no more looking at her profile. It's only a constant reminder that she still hasn't found what she's looking for.
But whatever. I don't want to think about it, or her, anymore. I made a mistake by responding to her in the first place. I was seconds away from deleting my profile when she messaged me. I should've just ignored her and deleted my profile. I shouldn't have talked to her on the phone, I shouldn't have met her, I shouldn't have allowed myself the connection we had. And now I feel awful even typing those words, because of course I don't really wish any of these things.
I thought we had something, I really did. It was so tremendously hard for me to share some of the things I shared with her. And I imagine that she's sharing so much of what she shared with me with all these other women she has met on the internet. For some reason I feel betrayed, I feel misled, I feel used, and so very, very exposed. Which I know is silly, because she has done none of these things. She never would. So then why do I feel this way?
Saturday, December 04, 2004
I need a new strategy
I just said goodbye to her tonight. She thinks it's a temporary thing, and I hope she's right. The thing is it hurts to talk to her. It hurts not to talk to her. It just hurts all the time. I don't feel the connection with her anymore, although I know it's still there, I can feel it in quiet times. We haven't really talked in awhile, and I'm feeling so cautious with my heart that this really doesn't suprise me. Plus, it's hard to feel connected to another person when I'm not connected to myself. I feel like I'm falling down into a canyon or something. I keep trying to grasp at anything along the way to stop me from crashing to the ground. My whole world is just spinning around me. But it's not out of control. I don't feel like I lack control. I just feel like things are moving faster than what's comfortable for me. I feel like I need to make decisions that I'm not ready to make.
I feel this not only in regards to her, but in regards to my career, where I want to live, what I want for my life. I feel soooooo conflicted. There are days when I think I should just join the foreign service and devote my life to living overseas - relationshipless, childless, familyless. And other times the thought of such a life fills me with sadness because I envision being married and having a family, and this makes me joyful. And although I know I don't have to make any kind of decision about any of this right now, I feel like I need to. I have always lived more by the seat of my pants. I've always had goals for the future and things that I've wanted to do in my life, but opportunities have always come to me, seemingly right out of the blue, and I have pursued them, and they have proved to be tremendously meaningful to me. So why I can't continue with this strategy now?
I HATE not knowing what's going to happen to me. I don't like looking into my future and seeing nothing but a blank slate. I've always been able to look into the year ahead and say, oh, I'll be in school, or I'll be in Africa, or I'll be at the lab, or I'll be with so-and-so. When I look at this time next year, I can't tell you where I'll be working, where I'll be living, who I'll be with, or if I'll be with anyone at all. I know that no one ever really knows what the future holds, but usually you can know with a small degree of certainty what at least part of your life will look like.
Don't get me wrong, part of me is totally excited to find out what is going to happen to me....if the pattern of my life continues, then it's sure to be fantastic. But what if it's not? What if nothing works out for me - what if she doesn't turn out to love me, what if I don't get a job I like, what if I'm still stagnant in the future like I am now? That would be the worst outcome of all, to still be in the same place I'm in now. Stuck.
Anyway, I don't even know why I went on this tangent. The girls will be here any minute. I need to put on a happy face and not think about her. Gotta get her outta my head, outta my heart. At least for now. It just doesn't make sense to me. But whatever.
I feel this not only in regards to her, but in regards to my career, where I want to live, what I want for my life. I feel soooooo conflicted. There are days when I think I should just join the foreign service and devote my life to living overseas - relationshipless, childless, familyless. And other times the thought of such a life fills me with sadness because I envision being married and having a family, and this makes me joyful. And although I know I don't have to make any kind of decision about any of this right now, I feel like I need to. I have always lived more by the seat of my pants. I've always had goals for the future and things that I've wanted to do in my life, but opportunities have always come to me, seemingly right out of the blue, and I have pursued them, and they have proved to be tremendously meaningful to me. So why I can't continue with this strategy now?
I HATE not knowing what's going to happen to me. I don't like looking into my future and seeing nothing but a blank slate. I've always been able to look into the year ahead and say, oh, I'll be in school, or I'll be in Africa, or I'll be at the lab, or I'll be with so-and-so. When I look at this time next year, I can't tell you where I'll be working, where I'll be living, who I'll be with, or if I'll be with anyone at all. I know that no one ever really knows what the future holds, but usually you can know with a small degree of certainty what at least part of your life will look like.
Don't get me wrong, part of me is totally excited to find out what is going to happen to me....if the pattern of my life continues, then it's sure to be fantastic. But what if it's not? What if nothing works out for me - what if she doesn't turn out to love me, what if I don't get a job I like, what if I'm still stagnant in the future like I am now? That would be the worst outcome of all, to still be in the same place I'm in now. Stuck.
Anyway, I don't even know why I went on this tangent. The girls will be here any minute. I need to put on a happy face and not think about her. Gotta get her outta my head, outta my heart. At least for now. It just doesn't make sense to me. But whatever.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
So last night was supposed to be a nice quiet time for me to reflect and try to reconnect to myself again. And although it was nice and quiet, there was no reflection. Who knows, maybe that's a good thing! We all know I have a habit of over analyzing everything, so perhaps taking some time to NOT think is actually a great idea!
Anyway, after cooking myself an absolutely fabulous dinner (thank you Kristy for the suggestion), I settled in and watched "The Last Samurai". I didn't really have a strong desire to watch this movie due to the Tom Cruise factor, however, I found myself totally in love with it and actually very deeply affected by the message. I know that I have a strange ability to make everything I encounter relevant to my own growth and experience, but I don't necessarily think that this is a bad thing. It's all about self-discovery, and if I use movies and other things as a tool in that process, well then so be it.
So the movie. The plot, in a nutshell: a disillusioned American war hero goes to Japan to teach them how to defeat the Samurai warriors who are rebelling against the westernization of their country. Cruise's character gets captured by his enemy, and during his captivity he comes to embrace the way of the Samurai and joins in their cause.
But the beauty of this movie lies in the transformation that occurs within Cruise's character. At the beginning of the movie we meet him as a drunk, angry man haunted by nightmares and recurring images of the battles he has witnessed. It is clear that he is tortured by the atrocities that he has not only witnessed, but has actually been responsible for. He is seen as an expert in defeating rebelious "savages", and this is not a role he seems prepared to accept for himself. So he comes to Japan full of anger and bitterness, but with a committment to get the job done.
He ends up spending a season in captivity, surrounded by the beauty of the land, the people, and the way of the Samurai. He develops a connection with his captor as they discover a mutual respect for the values, ideals, and culture of each other. In this simple life, this very disciplined and esthetic life, Cruises's character confronts his demons, the hauntings of his past, and reflects upon his life path. He comes to realize what he really values and the true meaning of honor. In the end he chooses to fight for these ideals, side-by-side with the man who brought him back to himself.
I was supposed to spend the night reconnecting with myself, and instead I watched a story about a man who actually DID reconnect with himself. I cried at the end of the movie, in part because it was so hard to watch the violent destruction, but also because I sympathized with Cruise's character. There are so many temptations in life, so many opporunities to lose your way. You make mistakes, do things you wish you hadn't, hurt people, and for what? Sometimes you have the answers to this, and many times you don't. By the end of the movie, he knew exactly where he wanted/needed to be. All decisions, all thoughts, all actions came from that place. And that, my friends, is where I want to be. If that makes any sense at all.
Anyway, after cooking myself an absolutely fabulous dinner (thank you Kristy for the suggestion), I settled in and watched "The Last Samurai". I didn't really have a strong desire to watch this movie due to the Tom Cruise factor, however, I found myself totally in love with it and actually very deeply affected by the message. I know that I have a strange ability to make everything I encounter relevant to my own growth and experience, but I don't necessarily think that this is a bad thing. It's all about self-discovery, and if I use movies and other things as a tool in that process, well then so be it.
So the movie. The plot, in a nutshell: a disillusioned American war hero goes to Japan to teach them how to defeat the Samurai warriors who are rebelling against the westernization of their country. Cruise's character gets captured by his enemy, and during his captivity he comes to embrace the way of the Samurai and joins in their cause.
But the beauty of this movie lies in the transformation that occurs within Cruise's character. At the beginning of the movie we meet him as a drunk, angry man haunted by nightmares and recurring images of the battles he has witnessed. It is clear that he is tortured by the atrocities that he has not only witnessed, but has actually been responsible for. He is seen as an expert in defeating rebelious "savages", and this is not a role he seems prepared to accept for himself. So he comes to Japan full of anger and bitterness, but with a committment to get the job done.
He ends up spending a season in captivity, surrounded by the beauty of the land, the people, and the way of the Samurai. He develops a connection with his captor as they discover a mutual respect for the values, ideals, and culture of each other. In this simple life, this very disciplined and esthetic life, Cruises's character confronts his demons, the hauntings of his past, and reflects upon his life path. He comes to realize what he really values and the true meaning of honor. In the end he chooses to fight for these ideals, side-by-side with the man who brought him back to himself.
I was supposed to spend the night reconnecting with myself, and instead I watched a story about a man who actually DID reconnect with himself. I cried at the end of the movie, in part because it was so hard to watch the violent destruction, but also because I sympathized with Cruise's character. There are so many temptations in life, so many opporunities to lose your way. You make mistakes, do things you wish you hadn't, hurt people, and for what? Sometimes you have the answers to this, and many times you don't. By the end of the movie, he knew exactly where he wanted/needed to be. All decisions, all thoughts, all actions came from that place. And that, my friends, is where I want to be. If that makes any sense at all.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Score 1 for self-expression
Since starting this whole blogging thing, I've been doing a little bit of reading on the history of it. I'm all for self-expression, and sometimes I forget that not all of us have the freedom to do so, whether it be because we were never taught how to express ourselves, or because we live in a part of the world where freedom of speech/expression is denied.
This morning I was reading about the "blog revolution" in China . I'll summarize it here, but if you'd like to read the full article, check it out here: http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99996707
Not so long ago, China decided to allow Cybercafes, hoping it would help "westernize" the country and make it more economically competitive. The Chinese governmen maintains continual surveillance to censor and "sanitize" the Internet - the so-called "Great Firewall".
Politically sensitive topics, such as Falun Gong, human rights, democracy, and Taiwan independence, are routinely filtered out. A list recently obtained by the China Internet Project in Berkeley found that over 1000 words, including “dictatorship”, “truth”, and “riot police” are automatically banned in China’s online forums.
But the "blog revolution" is changing all this. China currently has more than half a million bloggers, and the government can't keep up - blogs are being created faster than they can be destroyed. Although the Chinese government has banned access to Blogger (the website that hosts my blog), web-savvy people have found ways to bypass the Great Firewall. What all of this means is that subcultures that fall outside of traditional social and moral norms now have an outlet to voice their opinion.
It's amazing that I take advantage of this blog-thing to whine about heartache, when people on the other side of the world use it to fight for the human right of self expression. Kinda puts thigns in perspective, eh?
This morning I was reading about the "blog revolution" in China . I'll summarize it here, but if you'd like to read the full article, check it out here: http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99996707
Not so long ago, China decided to allow Cybercafes, hoping it would help "westernize" the country and make it more economically competitive. The Chinese governmen maintains continual surveillance to censor and "sanitize" the Internet - the so-called "Great Firewall".
Politically sensitive topics, such as Falun Gong, human rights, democracy, and Taiwan independence, are routinely filtered out. A list recently obtained by the China Internet Project in Berkeley found that over 1000 words, including “dictatorship”, “truth”, and “riot police” are automatically banned in China’s online forums.
But the "blog revolution" is changing all this. China currently has more than half a million bloggers, and the government can't keep up - blogs are being created faster than they can be destroyed. Although the Chinese government has banned access to Blogger (the website that hosts my blog), web-savvy people have found ways to bypass the Great Firewall. What all of this means is that subcultures that fall outside of traditional social and moral norms now have an outlet to voice their opinion.
It's amazing that I take advantage of this blog-thing to whine about heartache, when people on the other side of the world use it to fight for the human right of self expression. Kinda puts thigns in perspective, eh?
Monday, November 29, 2004
my dream last night
I had a dream last night that really shook me up. It's still bothering me. Here it is:
It takes place in a kitchen. This kitchen looked familiar to me, felt familiar to me too. It was only on the walk to work this morning that I realized it was Kristy's dream kitchen, the one she's described to me often. Anyway, this kitchen is huge and it has an island in the middle of it. Instead of have a floor around this island, there's an ocean. There are a whole bunch of people in this kitchen. I know them in my dream, but I don't think I know them in real life (although they did seem to feel familiar to me). I am swimming and diving in this ocean, completely enthralled by the life under there. I feel so very happy and fulfilled, I can't stop smiling, and I feel like I've just discovered a lost world or something like that. I come up for air, and I tell the others in the kitchen that they have to come down and see all the amazing things that live under the kitchen. I tell them, "the deeper you go, the more amazing it is". They keep telling my that they're busy - there's a party and they are cooking for it. But I persist. I want to share that incredible feeling I had with them. I keep telling them that there is a whole other world down there, one that most people don't get to see, and it's right here, under our kitchen!
So, eventually, all of these people dive under the kitchen with me. But I am still alone when I'm under there. I don't feel alone, but the others don't seem to be a part of my experience under there - I'm not even aware of their absence. Anyway, I'm swimming along, and this huge fish with a very large mouth charges me. It comes at me with it's mouth wide open, kind of like a Moray eel or something. I'm scared out of my mind, and I begin to panic. And in a moment of panic, I throw a serving plate (and I have no idea where it came from) into it's mouth, and this seems to buy me a few extra seconds before I get swallowed by this thing. And then I have this insight that if I swim to the surface and stay there, I will be safe. I keep repeating to myself "things will be safe on the surface" as I swim back up to the kitchen.
When I pull myself up onto "land", I notice that the water is starting to ice over. I see the others swimming toward the surface too. Except they aren't adults anymore, they are children. I start pulling them all out, one by one, they are so scared, I can see it in their eyes. And they are upset with me. They ask me why I told them it was so beautiful the deeper you go, when really it's a scary place full of monsters, and you can get trapped down there. But they are thankful that I rescued them.
And then I wonder if they are right. I look at the ice. After all the children are out, the ice melts back to water again, and the ocean is back. I feel the temptation to jump in again, but I start to panic at the thought of it. I just know that it's safer on the surface, even though it's so very beautiful down there. I know that I need to jump back in again, but I'm just too scared. And I wake up with that feeling of panic.
Nice one, eh?
It takes place in a kitchen. This kitchen looked familiar to me, felt familiar to me too. It was only on the walk to work this morning that I realized it was Kristy's dream kitchen, the one she's described to me often. Anyway, this kitchen is huge and it has an island in the middle of it. Instead of have a floor around this island, there's an ocean. There are a whole bunch of people in this kitchen. I know them in my dream, but I don't think I know them in real life (although they did seem to feel familiar to me). I am swimming and diving in this ocean, completely enthralled by the life under there. I feel so very happy and fulfilled, I can't stop smiling, and I feel like I've just discovered a lost world or something like that. I come up for air, and I tell the others in the kitchen that they have to come down and see all the amazing things that live under the kitchen. I tell them, "the deeper you go, the more amazing it is". They keep telling my that they're busy - there's a party and they are cooking for it. But I persist. I want to share that incredible feeling I had with them. I keep telling them that there is a whole other world down there, one that most people don't get to see, and it's right here, under our kitchen!
So, eventually, all of these people dive under the kitchen with me. But I am still alone when I'm under there. I don't feel alone, but the others don't seem to be a part of my experience under there - I'm not even aware of their absence. Anyway, I'm swimming along, and this huge fish with a very large mouth charges me. It comes at me with it's mouth wide open, kind of like a Moray eel or something. I'm scared out of my mind, and I begin to panic. And in a moment of panic, I throw a serving plate (and I have no idea where it came from) into it's mouth, and this seems to buy me a few extra seconds before I get swallowed by this thing. And then I have this insight that if I swim to the surface and stay there, I will be safe. I keep repeating to myself "things will be safe on the surface" as I swim back up to the kitchen.
When I pull myself up onto "land", I notice that the water is starting to ice over. I see the others swimming toward the surface too. Except they aren't adults anymore, they are children. I start pulling them all out, one by one, they are so scared, I can see it in their eyes. And they are upset with me. They ask me why I told them it was so beautiful the deeper you go, when really it's a scary place full of monsters, and you can get trapped down there. But they are thankful that I rescued them.
And then I wonder if they are right. I look at the ice. After all the children are out, the ice melts back to water again, and the ocean is back. I feel the temptation to jump in again, but I start to panic at the thought of it. I just know that it's safer on the surface, even though it's so very beautiful down there. I know that I need to jump back in again, but I'm just too scared. And I wake up with that feeling of panic.
Nice one, eh?
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Connected?
Do you ever reach that point of emotional saturation, where you simply just can't feel anymore? I'm there at the moment, and I don't like it! I had such an emotional weekend (like you couldn't guess that from my previous entry) and I've reached complete numbness. I'm sure by the morning, I'll be back to my tearful self. I was talking to a friend tonight (at a stinky, smoky, gross, disgusting bingo hall - hockey fundraiser of course). I described to her a feeling I've experienced a few times over the last month. You know how everyone always talks about that feeling of not being able to get close enough to someone? You're holding them and you just keep squeezing tighter and tighter because you just can't get them close enough. I'm very familiar with that feeling. Well, this feeling I've had is one I've never experienced before. It starts with that I-can't-get-close-enough-to-you feeling. But then I can feel her in me, I can feel her in my whole body, from head to toe. She *is* close enough. It is the most powerful, amazing experience. As I explained this to my friend, her whole demeanor changed. She very gently, very kindly told me "that's love, Michelle. Haven't you ever felt that before?" And I was ashamed to admit that I haven't.
So I drive home from the bingo tonight with this mix of emotions:
So I drive home from the bingo tonight with this mix of emotions:
- acute awareness of the love I'm feeling
- shame that I have reached the age of 28 and am only now beginning to understand what love even feels like
- rejection because that love is not returned (but only a bit - I'm not sure I'm really feeling rejected, but I think I'm supposed to, so it's a bit confusing)
- that whole-body feeling of having her with me, and truly hoping she's doing well and getting her paper done
- I am dumbfounded as to how we can even have the capacity to love so much those who do not or cannot love us back in the same way
- guilt over feeling good about the attention and affection I'm receiving from a friend
- sadness over the fact that I can't give this friend what she wants
- disappointment in myself for I don't even know what anymore
- joy and amusement over a teammate flashing the cars on the highway as we drove home (omg it was funny, and a treat - she's HOT!)
- stress and frustration over my job
- anticipation and wanting so badly to know what the future has in store for me
- I feel grateful for some of the amazing people I have in my life
You get the point. There's some big stuff in there. I went through emotional panic mode for awhile - being sick didn't help. Lying down all day makes for way too much thinking time! If you happen to be an over-analyzer such as myself, then too much idle time is not necessarily a good thing!
Anyway, throughout all of this I have lost my connection to the universe, and lost that sense of peace (and the trust that goes along with it). So my job right now is to get myself reconnected, find my intuition again, and look at my life from that sense of peace and trust, rather than panic. I've had my ups and downs in life, and as my dad always says, usually with complete astonishment, "Michelle, you always come out of shit holes smelling like roses". And when I look back on my life, he's right. Things ALWAYS end up good for me in the end. Not always the way I thought I wanted or predicted, but always good. And I know that there are amazing things waiting for me around the corner. It's just a matter of getting there. And of course that's always the hardest part.
Someone once told me that it's easy to be happy and feel at peace and trust yourself in the quiet times, and in the happy times. But the challenge to achieving true happiness is to be able to maintain those feelings during times of transition. There's always been a clear direction in my life, I always knew where I was going next. This year has been different. I'm in transition in every single aspect of my life - love, career, life goals - it has been a tremendous challenge to enjoy life in this moment without worrying about what's coming next.
I think for me the key is to stay connected and maintain that trust in myself. I'm finding there's a lot of fear involved in trusting myself, and when I get bombarded with emotions, fear drives away my connection. So I think what I need to learn is how to reconnect when that happens. I think I can recognize when fear starts to take over, so step #2 will be to learn how to stop the fear when it comes calling.
I wonder if I can learn these things in this lifetime?
Saturday, November 27, 2004
tell me
Someone tell me how to do this. Someone tell me how to love someone who does not love you in return. How to stop dreaming. How to stop hoping. How to stop believing. Someone tell me how it's even possible to feel love for someone after such a short time. Someone tell me how even now, through my tears, my greatest hope is that she can feel love again. Even if it's not for me. Someone tell me why the thought of the stress I must cause her hurts more than even the rejection I feel. Tell me why it hurts so much to see her as anything other than happy and full of joy. Tell me why. Just tell me why she would come into my life, such a beautiful woman, a strong woman. Tell me, how could I not love this woman, this woman worthy of more than this world could ever give her? Tell me, most of all, tell me how to let go of her. Tell me how to be her friend, so I can still have her in my life. Tell me how to love her silently so I can watch her grow. Tell me how to be strong for her. Oh sweetie I love you.
Friday, November 26, 2004
favourite books
I just a great conversation with my colleagues about books. I thought I would share some of my favourites with you. Here they are, at the top of my head, in no particular order:
The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand
The God of Small Things - Arundhati Roy
The Ground Beneath Her Feet - Salman Rushdie
The Unbearable Lightness of Being - Milan Kundera
The World According to Garp - John Irving (yes, I like it better than "A Prayer for Owen Meany" - suck it up!)
Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates - Tom Robbins
The Alchemist - Pablo Coelho
Walden - Henry David Thoreau
A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
The Piano Man's Daughter - Timothy Findley (in fact ANYTHING by Mr. Findlay)
And anything by Anne Rice!
The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand
The God of Small Things - Arundhati Roy
The Ground Beneath Her Feet - Salman Rushdie
The Unbearable Lightness of Being - Milan Kundera
The World According to Garp - John Irving (yes, I like it better than "A Prayer for Owen Meany" - suck it up!)
Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates - Tom Robbins
The Alchemist - Pablo Coelho
Walden - Henry David Thoreau
A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
The Piano Man's Daughter - Timothy Findley (in fact ANYTHING by Mr. Findlay)
And anything by Anne Rice!
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
i am such a suck
You'll never believe this, but I am watching the Bachelor. It's the season finale, and the guy has to choose between 2 women. One girl gets to go home married and the other one gets to go home broken hearted. I haven't seen any other episodes of this show, yet I am already crying over the poor girl who goes home alone. Why? Because in the end, I always wind up alone too. I dream about the day someone actually loves me. I mean really loves me. Someone who can look me in the eyes and say the words and really mean it. I guess we all want that. To love. To be loved.
I was chatting with someone I really care about tonight, someone who's going through a hard time. A hard time because of love. Cuz she had to go home broken-hearted too. Sometimes when I talk with her, I feel like I'm in a movie, where the main character wakes up to find she is the only one left alive in the world. There's this moment of panic, I run out of the apartment into the street, and realize there's no traffic, no children walking to school, no old ladies walking their dogs. I'm alone. I look up at the sky, looking for any sign of life, any sign of something bigger than me out there. And there's nothing. I don't feel alone, I don't feel deserted, I just feel like I'm missing the bigger picture. I feel like if I just look a little bit harder, or try not to look so hard, or try to view things differently, I would be able to see my life again.
I guess I know that me and her have something special. Our connection is so strong. We can share incredibly painful emotions with each other so easily, so freely. It feels so safe, so comfortable, so amazing to me. But sometimes I get scared, like during our talk today. I know she values what we have, but I also know that she isn't in the same place as me. And when she reminds me of this, I see myself in that empty movie world. And I dread the day when she chooses someone else, and I go home broken hearted.
I was chatting with someone I really care about tonight, someone who's going through a hard time. A hard time because of love. Cuz she had to go home broken-hearted too. Sometimes when I talk with her, I feel like I'm in a movie, where the main character wakes up to find she is the only one left alive in the world. There's this moment of panic, I run out of the apartment into the street, and realize there's no traffic, no children walking to school, no old ladies walking their dogs. I'm alone. I look up at the sky, looking for any sign of life, any sign of something bigger than me out there. And there's nothing. I don't feel alone, I don't feel deserted, I just feel like I'm missing the bigger picture. I feel like if I just look a little bit harder, or try not to look so hard, or try to view things differently, I would be able to see my life again.
I guess I know that me and her have something special. Our connection is so strong. We can share incredibly painful emotions with each other so easily, so freely. It feels so safe, so comfortable, so amazing to me. But sometimes I get scared, like during our talk today. I know she values what we have, but I also know that she isn't in the same place as me. And when she reminds me of this, I see myself in that empty movie world. And I dread the day when she chooses someone else, and I go home broken hearted.
I need more.
I’m sitting here, naked, wrapped in my orange fleecy blanket, playing Minesweeper, expert level, and listening to Tom Waits. "And I want to know the same thing everyone wants to know…how’s it going to end?". I’ve been sick all day, and I’m bored to tears. I spent the entire day either in bed, in the tub, or on the couch, acutely aware of my shaking knees and the dizziness that ensued with every movement. My internet has been down for a couple of weeks, and today would have been the perfect time to spend an hour on hold with Shaw trying to solve the problem. But did I? No, of course not. Laziness begets laziness. The more bored I became, the more difficult it was to get off my ass and do something about it.
I’m reading "The Way the Crow Flies" and I’ve become completely emotionally involved with this book. At first I was just in love with the main character, Madeleine, an 8-year-old feisty imaginative girl that reminds me so much of myself. It takes place just after the Second World War, and there is a definite element of mystique between the lines of this book. So I have found myself reliving my childhood fantasy of being an international spy. Don’t laugh! This is a true story! The danger, the thrill, the espionage…what more could a curious girl ask for? I think about that time in my life, when I actually believed the world was my oyster, and there was no good reason why I couldn’t be a spy. I remember the love of life I had back then. I think about going back to work tomorrow, writing systematic reviews. Fuck. What has my life come to? Sitting at a desk, my 5th one at this job by the way, staring at a computer, trying to answer questions that I have absolutely no interest in answering. Where’s the danger, the thrill, the espionage? I NEED MORE! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like I need to dress in black, be equipped with 47 guns and glasses that take pictures of things, and travel off to far-away lands to seduce Russians into telling me their secrets. I just need more passion in my work!
I’m reading "The Way the Crow Flies" and I’ve become completely emotionally involved with this book. At first I was just in love with the main character, Madeleine, an 8-year-old feisty imaginative girl that reminds me so much of myself. It takes place just after the Second World War, and there is a definite element of mystique between the lines of this book. So I have found myself reliving my childhood fantasy of being an international spy. Don’t laugh! This is a true story! The danger, the thrill, the espionage…what more could a curious girl ask for? I think about that time in my life, when I actually believed the world was my oyster, and there was no good reason why I couldn’t be a spy. I remember the love of life I had back then. I think about going back to work tomorrow, writing systematic reviews. Fuck. What has my life come to? Sitting at a desk, my 5th one at this job by the way, staring at a computer, trying to answer questions that I have absolutely no interest in answering. Where’s the danger, the thrill, the espionage? I NEED MORE! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like I need to dress in black, be equipped with 47 guns and glasses that take pictures of things, and travel off to far-away lands to seduce Russians into telling me their secrets. I just need more passion in my work!
Thursday, November 18, 2004
God speed the missionaries
So I just turned down a “deputy director” position in Mozambique because I had a serious case of an illness called “morality”. Damn. There are days when I simply wish I were somebody else. I spend so much time dreaming about Africa, remembering Africa, longing for Africa, and then an opportunity like this comes up and I have to turn it down. Why? Because the offer came from a Christian organization. And although I have tremendous respect for the relief work this organization does, hell would have to freeze over before I would allow myself to be the poster girl for them. It’s frustrating….I was just reading about Darfur in the Sudan. There are more than 25 Christian aid organizations at work in that region. This, to me, seems even worse than colonialism (in fact, colonialism can be blamed for the Christianization of Africa, come to think of it).
I may be overly cynical here, but here’s how it looks to me: oh look! A famished country with inter-fighting – all of these people living in the grips of fear! Let’s go pretend to help them! Let’s go set up a top-notch elite hospital. Just say you accept Jesus as your personal saviour and you too can receive state-of-the-art western treatment! Oh, you’re a Muslim? Sorry…all beds are taken.
When I think of my experiences in Africa in terms of western culture and Christianity, it’s hard to even see the distinction. And I find it disconcerting that traditional African culture and values are seen as inferior to the empty promises of the Church. One of the questions I asked of the families that participated in my project in Uganda was if they feared getting TB. Many people answered along the lines of “it’s God’s plan”. It all just seemed so defeatist to me, like they didn’t believe that they could actually take precautions to protect themselves against disease.
I guess part of me can understand why this sort of belief system would be beneficial. They suffer so much – poverty, famine, AIDS and other illnesses, disempowerment, etc. It’s hard to love life when you are surrounded by so much death and destruction. So I guess the whole “God’s plan” thing lets people believe in an ultimate higher purpose for it all. But I think it also has the potential to extinguish free will, and the desire to fight for life, for love, for democracy, for happiness.
The African spirit is one of courage, laughter, love and an admirable respect for themselves, and for life. I witnessed a woman being beaten by her husband in the field one day. I was crying, and I wanted so badly to jump out of the truck and scream at the asshole, but naturally my companions wouldn’t let me. He was hitting her with a stick. She was probably bleeding. Each time she fell to her knees, she would stand up again and wave her fists at him and scream and yell, and each time he would knock her back down again. Part of me wished she would just lie down and take it so he would stop. But she wasn’t going to let him take her power away like that. I couldn’t help but respect her. I can imagine the conversation I would’ve had if I could’ve talked to that woman afterwards….I guarantee she wouldn’t say “it’s god’s will that he beats me”.
So I sent an e-mail to this organization, thanking them for the offer, but turning it down. I told them I wasn’t a Christian. I told them I was a lesbian. The response: “thank you for your upfront honesty. We really need someone who can be a mentor of Christian values”. I wonder what she meant by that.
I may be overly cynical here, but here’s how it looks to me: oh look! A famished country with inter-fighting – all of these people living in the grips of fear! Let’s go pretend to help them! Let’s go set up a top-notch elite hospital. Just say you accept Jesus as your personal saviour and you too can receive state-of-the-art western treatment! Oh, you’re a Muslim? Sorry…all beds are taken.
When I think of my experiences in Africa in terms of western culture and Christianity, it’s hard to even see the distinction. And I find it disconcerting that traditional African culture and values are seen as inferior to the empty promises of the Church. One of the questions I asked of the families that participated in my project in Uganda was if they feared getting TB. Many people answered along the lines of “it’s God’s plan”. It all just seemed so defeatist to me, like they didn’t believe that they could actually take precautions to protect themselves against disease.
I guess part of me can understand why this sort of belief system would be beneficial. They suffer so much – poverty, famine, AIDS and other illnesses, disempowerment, etc. It’s hard to love life when you are surrounded by so much death and destruction. So I guess the whole “God’s plan” thing lets people believe in an ultimate higher purpose for it all. But I think it also has the potential to extinguish free will, and the desire to fight for life, for love, for democracy, for happiness.
The African spirit is one of courage, laughter, love and an admirable respect for themselves, and for life. I witnessed a woman being beaten by her husband in the field one day. I was crying, and I wanted so badly to jump out of the truck and scream at the asshole, but naturally my companions wouldn’t let me. He was hitting her with a stick. She was probably bleeding. Each time she fell to her knees, she would stand up again and wave her fists at him and scream and yell, and each time he would knock her back down again. Part of me wished she would just lie down and take it so he would stop. But she wasn’t going to let him take her power away like that. I couldn’t help but respect her. I can imagine the conversation I would’ve had if I could’ve talked to that woman afterwards….I guarantee she wouldn’t say “it’s god’s will that he beats me”.
So I sent an e-mail to this organization, thanking them for the offer, but turning it down. I told them I wasn’t a Christian. I told them I was a lesbian. The response: “thank you for your upfront honesty. We really need someone who can be a mentor of Christian values”. I wonder what she meant by that.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Me, reasonable?
Sometimes I wonder why simple things always seem so complex – maybe I just have a nasty habit of complicating things, intellectualizing things instead of experiencing them. I don’t understand this part of me. I have a natural curiosity about the world, always asking questions, wondering why, looking for meaning in everything. I had an apple for breakfast, and instead of enjoying the taste, I was wondering what exactly made the peel red. I guess this makes me good at what I do, in terms of my job, but what about the rest of my life? I find myself second-guessing my thoughts, my feelings, my decisions because I have no “evidence” to base them on. Lately my intuition has been strong, gut instincts about things are occurring on a daily basis, and quite frankly it pisses me off. I feel like such a flake always saying “I feel, I feel, I feel”. I feel like I need to justify all of my emotions with a rational explanation. People don’t respect “it just doesn’t feel right” as an explanation, they want a good, solid reason. I guess I’m not a reasonable person. Lucky me.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Welcome to my life!
Ok. I have been home from Africa for, oh 8 months now, and still people talk about my emails. My life here at home is waaaaaaaaaay less exciting than my life overseas, but I want to share it anyway. Y'all know how I like to talk. And think. And dream. And talk about what I'm thinking about dreaming of next. So keep checking back for the updates. I might surprise you one day.
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