can't sleep....

It's 4am and I can't sleep. I found out yesterday I didn't get the job. And I'm disapointed. The director spent quite a lot of time on the phone with me, talking about what I can do to make myself a better candidate for next time. She told me that I just don't have any experience in public health, and that in the past few years, when they've selected "newbies" such as myself who don't know the "ins and outs" of the government public health system, people have gotten "tripped up" and not done as well as expected, so they didn't want that to happen again. She said that my lab background was extremely appealing to them, as was the fact that only 16 of all the applicants actually passed the test, and of those 16, I did exceptionally well on it. So at the end of it all, she told me my epidemiology skills are strong, and I interviewed really well, and I have an appropriate background, just no experience within the system.

She encouraged me to try again next year. Of course I mentioned the fact that the application process begins again in 8 months, and that leaves very little time to gain the experience they expect of me. She suggested that I contact the Medical Officer of Health here in Edmonton, and representatives of Alberta Public Health and Canada Public Health and see if I can't get someone to mentor me and show me the ropes on a volunteer, job-shadow kind of basis over the spring and summer. She told me if I had troubles to give her a call, she would try to help me. So that is all very positive. What bothers me about the whole thing is why they even interviewed me in the first place....my experience was all outlined in my resume and application, they knew from the get-go that I didn't have any public health experience.

Of course after that phone call I started emailing my contacts immediately. I started with one of the people on my thesis committee, one of my favourite mentors. I told him all that I have written here, and he gave me the name of a Deputy Medical Officer of Health here in Edmonton. This guy happens to be my undergrad project supervisor and someone whom I have had quite a bit of contact with over the years, someone I already have a good relationship with. So I will give him a ring next week and see if he can't set something up for me.

I know that everything happens the way it does for a reason, and that I didn't get into the program this time around because it isn't the right time for me. Maybe there's something better around the corner. Who knows? I know I can't be too hard on myself - the directors were so positive about me. What's hard is not knowing what's going to happen next. I know I should be excited and eagerly anticipate what's to come, but I am truly afraid that nothing will come. That I won't get the chance to do what I'm passionate about, that I won't find fulfillment in my career, that everything that I've worked so hard to achieve in my life will all amount to nothing. I'm feeling inadequate, and it's this feeling that is keeping from peaceful slumber right now.

My mom told me on the phone tonight that I am the stubbornist person she knows, and that she is quite confident this will just make me pull up my socks a little more, find an even better opportunity for myself and show those field epi people what they're missing in me. Ha! Maybe she's right!

And I feel for poor Shelley in all this. She was so sad when I told her (she thought I was going to get it for sure). She brought me flowers and wrote me a note saying that my time to shine will come. It was sweet. But this was the first catastrophe she had to deal with with me. The thing with me is that the LAST thing I want in times like this is sympathy or hand-holding or words of encouragement or anything like that. I already know all of that obvious stuff. I know another opportunity will come, I know I'm capable, I know all of that. What I need to do in times like these is reconnect to my spirit, find my strength, see the bigger picture, and refocus again. And these are things I need to do on my own, within myself. I think Shelley was a bit surprised that I wasn't talking much last night (I guess that is unusual for me, since I talk all the time). But once I told her I just needed to process it all in my head, but that it was a great comfort just to have her near me, we were okay. We went out for dinner, came home and snuggled on the couch with a movie, which of course I didn't watch because I was thinking.

Anyway, the first thing I need to do is get out of my current job, no matter what. That place is toxic for me in so many ways. I will start looking for lab jobs next week, kick my ass in gear on my thesis, clear my slate.

And now I might be feeling sleepy...good night.

it's been awhile....

I don’t know where the time goes sometimes…it’s not like I’ve been particularly busy these days, at least not more than usual. But I guess I have been preoccupied and completely lacking the mental space needed to write this thing. I STILL haven’t heard from the feds, although I shouldn’t be surprised since I’m technically not supposed to hear from them until Jan 31st. Needless to say, it’s causing me a bit of stress. I would like to know if I got a position as soon as possible so that I can just get on with it already! And then maybe I can start sleeping peacefully again…

There’s nothing really new…I’m just ticking along...I still hate my current job and am very seriously considering trying for a job back at the lab. In so many ways it feels like a step backwards, but it would provide me with $1000/month more than what I’m getting now and more mental space to get my thesis done and a bit more day-to-day happiness. So I’ll keep you posted on that front.

Shelley and I are doing wonderfully. Oh how she makes me laugh! And it’s so nice to be in the presence of woman who is so accepting and non-judgemental, kind and sensitive, and just beautiful. We have taken to cooking together quite a bit lately. This is a huge feat for me, partly because I’m not a very good cook (or at least I never used to be) and partly because I always seem to end up spending a lot of money going out for dinner with gf’s. So I like this new trend of ours.

ouch...hockey hurts

....but I still love it. We had a game last Friday and we only had 8 skaters. 8!!!! And believe it or not, we still managed to win 6-0. We all skated are asses off, and even the refs commented at the end of the game that our passing was awesome. Gooooooo Stingers! But then last night we had more skaters and we lost 5-2. But I got a goal. I think it might have been my 20th point! We played our ultimate rivals last night and they were mean, both in action and in word. We were getting so frustrated, even though we played so well. We were snapping at each other and at the coaches on the bench and no one was very chipper in the room after the game.

So here I am, already in a mood. S and I are having a discussion out in the parking lot about a tournament we have coming up - she might not be able to make it. We were discussing options on how to make it possible for her to come, and then I got even more frustrated. So in a complete act of immaturity, I threw my car keys across the parking lot into a bank of snow. I didn't even do it angrily. I just tossed them. S laughed, which was not the reaction I expected, naturally. And here goes a great big thank you to my amazing friends, who each grabbed a hockey stick and started combing the snow for my keys, in a straight-line formation, completely organized and in sync. And we found them right away. Phew! All S could do was laugh at me and tell me how cute I am. :-)

Anyway, I'm sore. Too much hockey, too much going to the gym!

playing the waiting game

Words cannot describe how completely tortuous it is sitting here waiting to find out if I got the job. Jan 31 seems a VERY long time away, especially when my gut is telling me I didn't get it. But there is still this part of me that knows I deserve this job, that I would kick ass at this job, that this job is meant for me. So I can't help but wonder if maybe my gut is wrong, if I am just stewing in self doubt, which knowing me is entirely possible! So even though I'm not expecting to get it, I am still hoping that I will, and believe that I should. And grappling with what the hell to do with my life if I don't get it.

It is stressful playing the waiting game. Every time the phone rings at work my heart lurches. Every time the computer tells me I have a new email I get dizzy. I call my answering maching at home every hour. And just now I looked at the CFEP website and got so excited at the thought of doing this job that I could've puked! My healthy heart will not be so healthy by the end of the month - I'm sure my blood pressure is through the roof!

Tsunami relief

I am proud of humanity for coming together and putting such an amazing effort into raising funds/supplies/volunteer aid to help the people of Southeast Asia. I suppose we can all relate to their suffering...losing our homes, our friends, our families, even our entire community is dreadful to imagine.

HOWEVER, I find it somewhat disturbing that humanity can't rally up this much support to combat other human tragedies around the world....poverty, HIV, war....These are all very real and very devastating plagues of the modern world. Perhaps as well-to-do North Americans these are experiences most of us can't relate to, so maybe these tragedies don't produce the same sort of empathy natural disasters do. I don't know.

But when I look at the numbers, I can't help but get a little bit frustrated. Yes, hundreds of thousands of people lost their lives, and many, many more lost their homes, or loved ones, or suffered injuries. And yes, there will be severe psychological consequences to the lives of the survivors. But over 4 MILLION people died of AIDS last year. Not to mention all the children that were orphaned, also left parentless and homeless, and also psychologically injured. Not to mention the tremendous cost to the economy, losing 4 million young, economically active members of society. Not to mention the BILLIONS of people living in poverty, malnourished, uneducated, etc. Why can't we pull together to raise money for these people? Help build these people homes? Help educate these people? Help feed them? Care about them?

Why is an earthquake deemed this huge tragedy, this huge emergency? What abut the conditions these people were living in before they were swallowed up by the Indian Ocean? What about all the diseases and the poverty that was killing them, although much slower, before the earthquakes? Why is that never considered worthy of millions of Canadian dollars, tax breaks, benefit concerts, etc?

...there's still life in this ol' ticker of mine...

I had a fitness appraisal done at the gym last night, despite not really wanting to. It's one thing knowing that you're chubby and out of shape and quite another thing to have a stranger measure different parts of you and TELL you these things to your face. But I figured if I really want to monitor my progress over the next few months, it's good to have a baseline. And it turns out that it's not as bad as I thought. Yes, I am chubby (34% body fat and I'm supposed to be at 18-25%)...obviously I have some work to do. I only did 13 pushups, which I happened to be quite proud of. However, the fitness dude said it was frustrating for him to watch me do them - he said I had perfect form right up the last pushup, but he felt that he could've got me to do at least another 5 more. I don't know about that, but whatever.

After the humiliation of him measuring my hips, waist, thighs, chest, and extremely flabby arms we did my resting heart rate and blood pressure and other heart-stuff. It turns out my heart and lungs are in extremely good shape! I may be chubby, but I'm still fit. And this is half the battle. I should be able to just hop on the treadmill and start burning all that fat right off! And I will...you just watch me!

It was so relieving to know that my heart was still beating....turns out hearts can recover just fine after they're broken...

me a government gal?

Aaaaaand the big interview is done. Phew! It was a tiring experience because of the mental stress, but it was all good. And damn, I looked hot! I got to experience a lot of “firsts” on this little trip: using a real suitcase with wheels instead of my pack, taking taxis all the time (hehehe I made a bit of an oops in my first taxi, forgetting I was in Canada and not Africa – I tried to pre-set the price and asked the poor driver if he had change….geez I’m an idiot sometimes!), staying in a fancy hotel that I didn’t have to pay for, and the list goes on.

I was a good little girl Sunday night…I took a bus (as per my usual travel routine) to downtown and walked around a little bit. But I was so tired from no sleep the night before and anxiety-ridden about the interview, so I went straight back to my room, ordered in a pizza, did my requisite 30 minutes on the stationary bike, half fell asleep in the hot tub and then crashed. I was awake to see every hour on the clock, stressing about the interview.

When the morning finally came, I was calm, cool and collected. I felt good in my hot little power suit. I was totally in the zone. And I had a good chuckle at myself. On the flight in they showed Wimbledon. Throughout all the tennis scenes we get to hear what’s going on in the main character’s head. “Don’t choke, don’t choke!” Well I was doing exactly the same thing as I was getting ready in the morning. It was humorous. And boy did I ever feel important when I got a phone call, “Miss Tubman, your taxi’s here”.

I had a lovely little chit chat with the taxi driver on the way to my interview. It put me in a nice friendly mood. When I arrived at 130 Colonnade I felt so confident, and as I sat waiting for someone to come collect me, all nervousness and uncertainty left me. I felt so at home in that building, like I belonged there. I said to myself, “I’m gonna go get this job!”

But then as the interview progressed, my confidence began to wane again, and for silly, silly reasons! It was such a standard interview! No challenges, no surprises, just the usual “what are your career goals and how will this program help you achieve them” and “describe a situation where you exercised flexibility”. Blah, blah, blah. All questions I have answered before, all questions I was prepared to answer. So I didn’t feel that I ever got a chance to let myself really shine. And after the formal interview there was another test to write…it was just an extrapolation from one of the questions on the first test we had to write. Again, it was simple and straightforward and I imagine every applicant will kick ass on it.

Speaking of the applicants, I think they are interviewing close to 40 people, which significantly diminishes my chances of getting a position. In addition, I briefly saw the 2 people who had interviews after me, and they were both at least a decade older than me, meaning much more experienced than me. So basically, in a nutshell, I’m not so sure I’m going to get this job, but I still have my fingers crossed! I KNOW that I would be amazing at this job!!!!!

Anyway, in the cab ride back to the hotel I just let it all go. Just took a few deep breaths and let go of it all. And then I had some fun – I went skating on Rideau Canal and ate beaver tails (we know them as elephant ears here) and hot apple cider. It was a gorgeous day and a wonderful experience. I love Ottawa, I feel comfortable there, and could quite easily see myself living there! Oooohhhh I hope, I hope!

I spent the entire flight back home thinking about Shelley and looking forward to seeing her in the airport. You know that body rush you get when you think about someone you like? Well, I had that feeling the whole way home and double strong when I saw her in the airport. I love those feelings!

Of course I was exhausted at work yesterday and actually quite busy, so I didn’t get the chance to let you all know how it went. Vickie called me last night giving me hell for not calling her ASAP to let her know how it all went. She made me smile, made me feel loved. In fact, to all of you who left messages on my phone and emailed me to wish me luck, thank you for caring! You’re all amazing and I love you!

the keeper

I stopped in at Earth's General Store on the way home from work last night and bought The Keeper. I've been meaning to for quite some time. It was a comedy of errors, the whole experience. I climbed up the stairs, which was no easy feat after the gruelling workout I had at the gym the night before. I came in from the cold so my glasses were fogged up. I walk through the doors of the store, and bumped right into the poor girl who works there. We both laughed. I took my glasses off so I could actually SEE her, and my GOD she was cute! I think I probably blushed, but then again so did she, so who cares. I asked her if she sold The Keeper, and she got very excited, touched both of my shoulders, and guided me to where they were kept. And then we started a rather lively discussion on various mishaps that occur while using alternative menstrual products, like sea sponges squirting when you laugh, drying your re-usables on the outside of your pack while traveling through tropical countries, and of course, her own personal anecdote of the Keeper getting stuck...which was just so encouraging to hear since I just bought one. And then she decided she should give me a little demonstration...how to fold it, insert it, form the seal, break the seal, blah, blah, blah. She described to me in horrific detail all the various things that can go wrong and how to fix it. I feel like I signed up for some new experimental surgery or something. We laughed, it was fun. But thankfully the thing is returnable if it doesn't work out for me.

PROGRESS!

Finally! I have a firm schedule in place for the completion of my thesis, my committee approves of it, so off I go! I'm in the process of negotiating another contract here at work with a schedule that will allow me time to actually work on my thesis....I'm SO excited!

aaahhh...sweet life.

It's a bit hard to be writing about happiness when so many people, families, countries are suffering from the devastation caused by the earthquake/tsunami's in Asia. However, what I learned from my travels overseas is that focusing on the tragedy, the pain, the suffering, the sadness, results in nothing getting done about said states of being. Crying over others' tears is an admirable show of empathy, but it doesn't take away their tears. When I say things like this, I often get criticized for being cold-hearted and self-centered. However, I have chosen a life path that introduces me to all sorts of pain in the world...being able to separate myself from the pain is part of what makes me good at what I do. I've always held these beliefs, but reading a quote on Darren's webpage made me more confident in myself:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -- Harold Whitman

And the past couple of days I have felt so alive. The tragedy in Asia has made me more determined than ever to move my career forward and has given me the energy to do what I need to do to accomplish that goal. I haven't had a chance yet to get nervous about my interview in Ottawa next week - I'm still too damn excited about it!

On top of all that, Shelley and I have been having a fantabulous time with each other. I have no idea what's going to happen between the two of us, but it sure is fun going through the process to find out. We went grocery shopping together the other day, and on the way were impressed by the most amazing sun dog in the sky...we could see it in two different places....and we were even more impressed that we both knew what a sun dog was. And I found myself falling for her more during our shopping excursion. I love shopping with partners to begin with, but Shelley is just damn cute. And, she doesn't tease me when I have to take 2 minutes to read the label of everything I buy, or complain when I can't find any free range eggs. She says, "No big deal, Michelle....we'll just stop somewhere else to get them." I wonder how long that patience will last!!!

Some have wondered if my joy is a result of the tremendous amount of fantastic sex I have been getting lately. And although it's true that I get a lot of it, and it is absolutely amazing (my GOD do we ever CLICK in that department!), I think a lot of the joy comes from the fact that she just lets me be me, all the time, no exceptions. I don't feel guilty when I'm grumpy or in a bad mood, and I hardly ever feel insecure with her. Sometimes I have issues with my body image, and when I do, she lets me explore those insecurities (and sometimes has to encourage me to do so). Shelley is so fit and so strong and I simply am not. But she insists I'm beautiful all around. Sigh....Things are generally light and fun between us. We laugh a lot, sometimes getting the giggles for no reason at all. And when it comes time to talk about something serious, we can switch into that mode in an instant. It's easy to be happy with her, there is simply no worries there.

We had our first hockey game of the new year tonight. We lost 6-5, but it was a pretty good game. I got 2 goals and an assist, and afterwards in the dressing room a few people commented on my playing, and it felt really good. I was struggling a bit during this game because our coach, who is usually amazing, was a bit of a snot tonight and it was pissing me off. I could have misheard him, but I thought I heard him call one of our players "ditzy" and he was not excited like he usually is, and was actually a bit critical of a lot of the time. It took all the energy I had not to tear a strip off of him. I'm sure he was just in a mood and all will be well again at our next game. Either that or he's getting a competitive streak in him. We finished off the first have of the season with something crazy like 8 wins in a row, and he asked us if we wanted to kick our goal for the season up a notch, from having fun to winning. My opinion on the matter: STICK WITH WHAT WORKS!!!! We spent the first half of the season concentrating on having fun, learning from each other and the coaches, and playing hockey for the love of the game. With this attitude, we were kicking ass and winning! Why mess with that? The girls were happy and having fun...there weren't as many smiles on the bench or in the room after this game. But hey, that's just my opinion.

Anyway, it's WAY past my bedtime....goodnight!

a small story to illustrate why you should listen to FEELINGS

I'll keep it short and simple....Shelley lost her keys the other day while we were shopping for my glasses. Her car-starter-alarm-thingy was on her key chain, so naturally and justifiably she was concerned. But, you see, I had a FEELING that they weren't lost. We looked high and low for these keys, but to no avail. I do believe Shelley had just come to the conclusion that they were gone forever. But I still had a FEELING that they weren't lost. Shelley just looked at me and said "you and your feelings". Boy, if I had a dime for every time I heard that line! Well, anyway, coming home last night, I found a big sign on the apt bulletin board "Lost set of keys in manager's office". So, I marched down to the office this morning, and sure enough, there were Shelley's keys! So they weren't lost afterall....the moral of the story is....LISTEN to your FEELINGS! Or at least listen to mine.....:-)

You have no idea how hard it is to type right now....I got a set of knives for Christmas and I cut my finger already. Geez.

time flies, eh?

Well Christmas is over....survived another one. Phew! Actually, it wasn't too bad this year...there was no drama and I got spoiled rotten, of course. Shelley came to Christmas Eve with my family and we all had a blast...the majority of the jokes revolved around me, but hey, I'm used to that! I made Cosmos all night, so everyone was VERY happy. Tim and Erin hosted their very first Christmas dinner, and it went off without a hitch...Erin very kindly had lots of vegetarian options for me. Unfortunately Shelley couldn't join us, as she was eating roasted beaver with her family. :)

And now I'm on holidays all week! Today is all about spoiling myself....I've got a hair appointment in a few minutes, eyebrow waxing later this afternoon, and an eye appointment in between...I got new glasses from Santa and they are fantabulous! And before you ask again, Darren, yes, I will post a picture! New glasses AND a power suit! Ottawa won't be able to resist me now!

I accidently called Shelley Kristy the other day...that was a very big oops and I felt awful. I was more upset than Shelley was, I think. I don't know what I did right to have such understanding women in my life.

Anyway....gotta run to that hair appointment. I've been having such great hair days lately - I'm almost afraid to mess with it!

imagine me in a power suit...now stop drooling!

Shelley took me shopping for a power suit for my interview last night - I took advantage of the massive sales and purchased myself a snazzy don't-mess-with-me-or-else power suit. I found a couple I liked, but I couldn't rely on Shelley's opinion for anything because she thinks I look good in everything...:-). Anyway, I had it narrowed down to a simple but classic grey suit, and this awesome black one with lime green trim. Of course I went for the lime green/black combo...it is sufficiently professional, with just enough lime green to make it funky. All the girls at work believe this requires a new pair of shoes.....hmmm...more shopping!

geez, does it ever end?

I find it rather funny that when good things happen, I tend to jump for joy, gather friends, and go out and celebrate. But everytime I experience a negative emotion, it gets jotted down on this blog...so all you reading this must thing I am a depressive whiny lazy-ass. Which i am not, for the record. :-) It's just that usually this negative stuff is so very temporary, and usually once I sit down at my computer and hammer it all out I feel much better.

And what's the problem this time, you might ask? Well, as of lately, it can only be one thing, the only thing that makes me cry these days - KB. It's solstice today, and I sent her a card. Why? Well because I was thinking of her and missing her. And I feel like an ass for being hurt when I have no right to be hurt. For letting her know how hurt I am when that's the last thing she needs in her happy little love-filled life right now. And for withdrawing what might have been an amazing friendship because my heart hurts too much to see her or hear her voice. She told me she's sore....she's had a crazy onslaught of various injuries. And what's my reaction to that? I feel terrible for her! I sympathize for her! I want to send her something cheerful in the mail so that she can forget the pains in her body for a few minutes. But I was able to just tuck all that away and get on with my day just fine, thank you very much.

And then, mere minutes ago, in a desperate moment of weakness, I looked at her on-line diary. I haven't done that in quite some time - I feel rather intrusive, since we aren't sharing things with each other at the moment. She has answered a survey about 2004. And she mentions me a couple of times. And I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, I don't. It caused me stress to see my name there and I don't know why. But seeing how obviously excited she is about the imminent arrival of her gf hurt like hell. It's amazing that I could be sooooooo disapointed in life and love all because of a couple of months talking to a woman I barely know, a woman I didn't date, a woman "who tried to love me the way I loved her" but simply couldn't.

The thing is, I don't want to date her anymore. I don't trust her heart, her judgements, her actions. I'm sure that will change - she is a remarkable woman, definitely worthy of trust. I just need time, I guess. Obviously, I would never want to be with someone who didn't feel love for me, but I still sometimes have moments where I wish she did feel for me.

I thought I knew! I thought we would have a lifetime together! I really did! Maybe those instincts were right....maybe we ARE meant to have a lifetime together - as friends - through all of the suprises life brings. The thought of that makes me quite happy...because I miss talking to her. But I don't know how to get there....it still hurts. I would like to be able to share her excitement about her girl, listen to her talk about her and be happy and supportive, but I can't!

I should really just give up on it all and move to the desert. I like it there.

arguing with homophobes: i love my dreams

Last Thursday I went to a lecture called "How to argue with homophobes: feminist advice for troubled times". It was an enlightening experience, largely because I found some kindred spirits who feel the same way I do about some things, namely, same-sex marriage. You see, I have come to the conclusion that I don't really agree with the concept of marriage in general (this is not to say I will never get married, well, married according to my own definition of marriage anyway). I just happen to believe that the "institute" of marriage has changed so significantly over the last few decades, as has the whole family concept - this is not just because of changing patterns in religious thought/belief/practice, but because of changing economies and job markets, a higher-mobility society, different family dynamics, etc. I mean everyone knows that marriages are failing left, right and center. We have large numbers of single-parent families, unstable family/home situations/etc. The point I'm trying to get to is that there are alternative ways to live as a couple or as a family. However, because I am gay, I feel I HAVE to fight for same-sex marriage - to actually say to the straight world that I don't agree with marriage as a concept would only be co-opted by the enemy - you know what I mean.

The other interesting thing about this lecture was the concensus that we might be fighting the wrong battle when it comes to same-sex marriage. It's not necessarily the right to marry that we should be concerned about, it is actually being considered "persons" under the law. And, if you look at our history, it was not all that long ago when women were finally considered persons. So I suspect that us gay people are a long way from being considered people.

I've been thinking about this. When I look at myself and my circle of friends and how we process these issues, we tend to focus on the concrete things that affect us as individuals, or as part of a homosexual couple. This makes sense - we want to marry the person we love, but we can't. We want to share benefits (and we can now, to an extent). We want to be welcomed home for Christmas without being judged. We want to hold our partner's hand in public without fear of the consequences. It takes a certain process of thought to tie it all together to fight the war to get us recognized in the constitution. But I suppose it's these little battles, like same-sex marriage, that will get us there.

Anyway, of course there was a small discussion around the whole purpose of marriage being to procreate. Why no one ever talks about infertile straight couples, or couples that choose not to have children, or people who marry too old to have children, is beyond me - their marriages are still legitimate. But whatever. This conversation carried over into a dream I had the other night:

I was a nun in training. Me and the other trainees were told that we had one final test to perform to prove our devotion to God - we had to procreate (I understand that this is completely all wrong, but hey, it's a dream). I was SO angry that to go through this. I couldn't understand how it would prove anything. But, I went along with it. Us nuns were paraded into a room and we were each given a white poker chip. Then they shuffled in a bunch of men. We got to choose which one we procreated with by offering our poker to chip to whomever we fancied. Well, there was one man who was actually a woman pretending to be a man. Of course I picked up on this right away and offered her my poker chip. Then we got down to business. When the other nuns realized what had happened, I was whisked away to a small, solitary cell to recover from what they consider a very traumatizing experiencing. I was crying, not because of the trauma, but because I was upset they took me away from her. They mistook my tears for pain and fear, and excused me from the procreation excercise. I was elated.

pissed off at "The Onion"

I started writing this entry pissed off at The Onion for satirizing genocide, but as I started summarizing the points they made, they kind of highlight the issues nicely: oil, ethnicity, the UN, etc. And while I certainly don't think genocide is a laughing matter, and they crossed the line by having a photo of a billboard advertising the "official machete" of the genocide, they did a good job getting their point across.

You can read it at http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4050

An article on The Onion this week jokes about Nigeria being host to the "2008 Genocides". The whole point of the article is to point out how ethnic strife is on the rise in Nigeria (Christians vs Muslims), all because of, you guessed it, oil, compounded by a dependence on food imports, a volatile economy, and the recent dodgy elections. And of course the recent polio outbreak doesn't help matters either. They discuss how Rwanda is a much better choice than Tajikistan (cuz that conflict may or may not continue) and Iraq ( cuz there may not be an Iraq by 2008). Combine all this with the predictable UN response: "the slow-to-move, ineffectual UN will do everything it can to help shepherd Nigeria into a combined religious, political, and economic disaster of horrific proportions", nd you have a national crisis on your hands.

And, of course, Nigeria will dig its own grave by "defaulting on our $2 billion IMF loan, investing the entire treasury in the overhead-heavy petroleum business, and turning a blind eye to regional guerrilla groups. That'd be a good start. After that, food shipments must fall into rebel hands, armed forces must go unpaid, and the emerging national infrastructure must be allowed to deteriorate." And although the "West" has traditionally turned a blind eye to such ethnic conficts (they occur in a different time zone, you see), this genocide will be difference because there's OIL at stake.

i saw a shooting star last night

It seems to me that I have been blessed lately. I like it when good things happen in waves. Last night I was dogsitting for a friend at work. I took Keeta to a dog park, and the two of us played in the snow for an hour. It was such a beautiful night, the sky was clear, the air was crisp. I felt good. It made me intensely joyful to watch Keeta run, her tail wagging, her cute little feet making cute little footprints in the snow. Every once in awhile she would run up to me and nestle against my legs, and look up at me with her big sparkling brown eyes, one ear straight up, the other one flopped down. I whistled Christmas tunes, and spend an unusual amount of time staring up at the stars. While I was contemplating the events of the last couple of weeks I saw a shooting star. And I knew everything was going to be okay. Oh my god I'm a sap. :-)

making progress

Well, I had a damn good weekend, thanks to my wonderful friends who kept my body busy and my mind occupied. I managed to muster the courage to delete her photos off of my computer, cancel my long distance phone plan, erase her last message off of my phone...you know, the purge stage. I just don't want reminders of her around, because I miss her and I feel like an idiot. But whatever. What can I do? I said something nasty about her Friday night (not even all that nasty, I think I called her a heartbreaker or something like that) and Vickie put her stern motherly face on and said, "Michelle, don't be like that, you know she's a nice girl". Which is true, she is, so I have been nice to her in my head ever since. But I'm still pissed off. ;-)

Friday night the whole group of us went to shinny....we had a BLAST. There were only like 14 of us, so there was a lot of icetime for each of us. I find shinny a great place to learn, the girls who go are patient with us beginner-types and I love it. Plus, I played on the opposite side as all my friends, so we got to knock each other around....life doesn't get much better than that! And of course we went out for wings and beer (well, actually, I had spinach dip and iced tea but who's counting).

I dragged some friends to the Butterdome Craft Sale with me....it was funny seeing Shelley there...her friends made fun of her too...such a butch girl at such a girly place! But she bought a few things, so I guess her image is all shot to hell now! And I ran into Janet there....always nice to see her....always hear the same things...Gunnar's good, the house isn't done yet....one day soon that girl will have something new to report! And then we went on a bit of a shopping spree at Value Village....50% off sale! I got a great pair of cords and a funky 1970s polyester shirt and a few other things....nice!

Sunday was lazy, lazy, lazy and I loved it. Plus I had shrimp creole for lunch (Da De O's rocks). To top it all off, I had a great hair weekend....things are looking up!

Oh, and mom is all in the holiday spirit....she wants to take me for lunch and a movie between xmas and New Year's. I don't understand this woman, but whatever! I think we'll go see Spanglish.....and of course I'm she Kristy's going to go see it with her gf once she arrives in Alberta. Damn women.

serendipity

I want to write, but I don't know where to start! It's amazing how much life can change in 24 hours. I know that everything happens exactly the way it should, but it would sure be nice to be given the master plan ahead of time....na, I don't really mean that. There's some fun in the mystery.

Anyway, I need to get out all the hurt, pain, and anger in regards to K. But it's not what I want to write about. I miss her, that's a strong feeling. I'm hurt and disappointed....those feelings are constant, underneath everything I do these days. And I'm angry. It's funny, what angers me the most is knowing that as we were having our last chat a couple of days ago, she was relaying the whole thing to her gf. You see, it was soooooo painful for me to read the words she was typing to me. So hard, I had to let go of so much hope, and all she could do was describe what she thinks as my inappropriate reactions to her. I wonder if she even understands how I was/am feeling. If she did, she would have respected me a bit more and at least kept MY feelings private. This is why it is so hard sharing intimate parts of yourself....the people you share with get intimate with others and share YOUR secrets. I felt things with her that I've never felt before....so much about her was a new experience for me, so I had a whole hell of a lot more than just her to let go of. I have the sense that things are not over between us...I don't trust her....I don't want to date her....not anymore, at least....but I think we will find a friendship or something further down the road. When I'm not so angry! And when she's got her poop in a proverbial group as well.

Anyway....the day after my heart broke into a million pieces, I got a bunch of great news. I couldn't stop smiling all day, because although one dream was ending, another one was starting to come true! You know things are "meant to be" when all the pieces fall into place without any effort at all. First....our office manager stops me in the hallway to tell me that HR discovered that they hadn't been paying me vacation pay since February, and that $1000 was owed to me....nice Christmas present, eh? An hour or two later, I get a phone call from the Field Epi office in Ottawa....they called to let me know that I GOT AN INTERVIEW!!!!!! I had to write a big, crazy exam to get this interview, and apparently I did really well on it! I stared my MSc with the plans of doing this training program afterwards....I was literally doing cartwheels down the hallway at work when I found out I got the interview. I'm STILL all excited about it. And then , the next day, they emailed me to tell me they were paying for my flight, hotel, and taxi. Sweet!!!!

So that's my news....the interview is Jan 10, and I have a few days off after Christmas, so I can study, study, study! I have the very first interiew spot, so I'm a bit stressed about that....I feel like I have to set a good standard...and I probably will... ;-)

If I get this position, it almost definitely means a move out of the province....I have mixed emotions about that. I love Edmonton, my friends, hockey, all that jazz....but the thought of learning a new city and meeting new people totally energizes me! I can't wait to see how this all works out in the end.....

Eavesdropping

On coffee break this morning I overheard part of a conversation between a well-dressed, affluent woman and a scruffy man with an accent. She said to him, “Think of your life six months from now, a year from now. Now think of her with you at that time. How does it feel? How would it feel to not have her in your life? That’s how you know what to do”. The man responded with silence, his head hanging low.