Thursday, October 27, 2005

This poor world of ours

Two aid workers were killed and several more were injured in a series of ambushes by the LRA in northern Uganda earlier this week.

Meanwhile, in Pakistan, the death toll threatens to double as homeless citizens succumb to hunger, cold, and injury. While the world has promised the region money, it has been too slow getting there. And many countries have given little to nothing. It's been estimated that more people will die due to this than from the earthquake itself. Aid workers are struggling to do the best they can with essentially nothing.

In Sudan, the aid workers that were being held hostage were finally released. Despite this, attacks on villages, rapes, and other ambushes are on the increase. As a result, all but the most essential aid is being pulled from the region, leaving 3.3 million local people to suffer, including the 1.8 million people who are internally displaced and the 200,000 that have fled to Chad.

War is expected to commence full-force in the Ivory Coast on Oct 30. The current president's five-year term comes to end on this day, and there are no elections scheduled to replace him. The country was split in two in 2002 by a civil war.

I won't even get started on the bird flu.

A Palestinian suicide bomber killed five in a market in Israel. Islamic Jihad claimed responsibility for the bombing, saying it was avenging Israel's killing of a top West Bank commander on Monday during an army arrest raid.

Millions of citizens in Malawi are starving because the current president and his predecessor are quarelling over who's more corrupt, pitting the goverment against the parliament and seemingly forgetting about everyone else who lives in the country.

The list could go on. This poor world of ours.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Adventures on the Road to Health

I'm sure none of you want to hear about my mundane health problems, especially since they revolve almost entirely around my bowels and PMS. In any case, I've given up on the western medical system I've devoted most of my working life to, and have turned to more traditional modes of healing. I guess I got tired of of walking into my GP's office, describing my issues, then being shuffled out the door with illegible prescriptions in my hand. Part of me always wonders if anyone only cares if the condition is life-threatening. However, I feel I deserve I completely healthy life, as we all do, so I decided to take advantage of all my benefits at work and try some alternative therapies.

I went to a naturopathic doctor a few weeks ago. Rather than a super-fast 2 minute consultation, I was in her office for almost 2 hours. We talked about my entire medical history, what my past and current complaints are, and what my goals for health were. I was elated to even be asked what my goals were! Anyway, it was a very tiring appointment. She made me discuss emotional issues as well, since the physical body often expresses the emotional body. Anyway, after all of her questioning and testing, she told me what I already knew. Which was somewhat of a relief, I guess. When it came time to determining what to do about it, she used this process called clinical kinesiology, which is some kind of a feedback system of muscle testing. Your muscles respond to different stimuli based on your body's perception of that stimulus. The doc was able to tell which organs were "sick" through this process, and also which treatments would be best for me. After all this, she gave me a couple of things to try. It has been two weeks, and although my troubles aren't completely fixed, they are certainly much, much better.

Anyway, in discussing this journey with a friend, I discovered that my friend was on the same kind of healing path. She felt she needed a healthier way of living, and discovered an acupuncturist that has a very gentle way of approaching health. I complain every few months about numbness in my arms, and although previous physio and chiropractic treatments have fixed this, it always promptly returns. So tonight I see the acupuncturist to see if he can not only fix this problem of mine, but also come up with ways that I might prevent it in the future. That's what I'm after.....prevention.

I told the naturopath this, and I'll tell this dude tonight, that although it is a specific issue that brought me to these people, "getting fixed" isn't my primary objective. I want to learn healthy habits, but I also want to understand what my weaknesses are so that I can take special measures to prevent some of my recurring health issues from happening in the future. It seems reasonable to me....I'll keep you posted.

Friday, October 21, 2005

why i quit hockey

It comes as a shock to most people who know me, but I quit hockey yersterday. I've only told Vickie and Kristie (besides Shelley, of course, who knew I was stewing about this since our last game). Both said to me "but you LOVE hockey!". And it's true, I do. Shelley asked me if I wouldn't miss the rush, the feeling of being out there on the ice. Of course I will, that's what I love most about hockey! But that feeling comes at a price that is just too high for me. Shelley's advice was to just stand up to certain people, and Vickie told me that she's learned you can't please everyone, just do the best you can, and fuck anyone who says it's not good enough. There are days when I wish I was more like Vickie!

But it's just not that easy for me. Hockey was also just supposed to be fun for me. Yes, I wanted to improve my skills, but I played for the sake of playing, and if I became a better player, then that was just a bonus. I have no aspirations to become a national women's hockey team player. I have no aspirations to even play in a different tier! I just wanted to have fun! Hockey was my outlet, my stress relief. But what's a person to do when your outlet becomes stressful?

So why is hockey stressful? There are several reasons:
  • Because of my work schedule, I have to miss some games. And because of work/other committments in life, it is very difficult for me to make practices that are arranged on short notice. Some people don't understand the concept of putting work before hockey. And as coach said "I have x many children and x many jobs and my work is mentally challenging, and yes I would rather be in bed at 10:45pm but I come to games anyway because I made that committment to the team and the team expects the same committment from you." I just can't do that, even though I wish I could.
  • It is hard for me to see my teammates come to games high/stoned. Especially when these teammates are also friends. Shelley has been trying to teach me how to come to hockey and tune that stuff out, but I can't. I happen to care about these people and I don't understand their choices. I can't say anything to them because what right do I have to judge other people's life choices? It hurts me to see that and it hurts me more that there is nothing I can do to convince these people that they can have so much more in their lives. For all I know, they are happy with their lives. So I have this inner turmoil everytime I enter the dressing room. I have to look at people I used to know and love and face the fact that I don't know them at all anymore. I know that people would think this is crazy, which is why I never mentioned this as a reason for quitting. It's just who I am. I have no control over my hurting heart sometimes.
  • I get tired of people telling me I need more practice, or need to do this or that differently. I play hockey to have fun, not to be constantly told I'm not good enough. I don't pretend to be a star player. What's worse is that I'm never lazy on the ice. I work hard every single shift of every single game. Because I lack any serious skill this is sometimes hard to see. But it's true. So it's hard when coach says certain things to me after I've done the best I thought I could.

You know, I get lots of criticism at work, and I have personality conflicts with people at work. But it never really becomes a pr0blem. I appreciate constructive criticism because it makes me better at what I do. I'm a senstitive person and it takes a lot of effort for me to put personality conflicts in context. But hockey isn't like work for me. It was supposed to be a place where I got to be myself, not be judged based on my skill, and just have fun. When you have these expectations of something, you generally feel disappointed when they are not met.

So that's my story.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Two sides of the coin

Someone, I like to call him a wise man because I think he is, told me this morning that our greatest strength in life ultimately becomes our greatest weakness. He was referring to me always having to be “strong” and “hard-working”. Granted, he knows me in a professional sense, not a personal one, so he’s a bit biased. Anyway, he was commenting on how admirable it is that I can always successfully push through all of my obstacles at work/school. He asked me where in my life I picked that up from, and so I told him the following (all true!) story:

Do you remember back in the days when the powers-that-be still believed physical activity was an important part of a child’s education? Every year we had to endure the Canada Fitness Test, in which we had to prove we could do an appropriate number of sit-ups, push-ups, and chin-ups. We had to run a certain distance in a certain amount of time, and we had to do standing/running long jumps as well. Athletics was never my strong suit and I hated that part of me. I loved running around and climbing trees and being active, but I could never get anything better than the “bronze” badge in the Canada Fitness Test. In Grade 6 I said to myself “enough is enough”. I told my teacher that I wanted not simply the “gold” badge, but the “excellence” badge. Every single day after that discussion I came early into school and we practiced, and practiced, and practiced. I worked so hard. When the testing day came, I passed it with flying colors. There was a special assembly at school to hand out the badges, and the local paper was there, and my parents were there, and my teacher got up in front of everybody and told my story, concluding with the statement (or something like it anyway): “you can do anything you set your mind on”.

Despite the fact that I felt completely humiliated, I learned the lesson the teacher tried to teach me, and from that point on, I’ve known that if I always try just a little bit harder, I can accomplish what I want. It’s this belief that has got me the good marks in school, the praises from my employers, the jobs I’ve wanted, all of the amazing opportunities I’ve had in my life, etc.

But what happens if you “try harder” to accomplish something you have no control over, or something that is best just left alone? I’ve been sick in the past, and I told myself that if I had just “been stronger” I would’ve been able to fight the sickness off. If I just “tried harder” I’d be able to function well on little or no sleep. If I just “tried harder” I wouldn’t feel sad, or angry. You get the picture. Being strong and hard-working is a great way to be in most aspects of life, but if you get to the point where feel you failed yourself because didn’t work hard enough, or because you weren’t strong enough, then this strength becomes a weakness.

Here’s another example: whenever I hurt myself and ran to my dad bleeding or bruised, he’d tell me to “stick the pain in your back pocket”. It’s great advice in many ways – it was those words that got me to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro and through my minor surgery in Syria (not to mention the nasty spider bite that caused it!). But what about emotional pain? I think most would agree it’s never a good idea to bottle that up and store it in your back pocket until one day the pocket gets full and your jeans tear at the seams and your insides are bared to all who care to notice. Being able to ignore physical pain may be a great strength, but ignoring emotional pain is a great weakness.

Anyway, I realized that the opposite must also be true: our greatest weaknesses can also be our greatest strengths. I’ve always assumed my sensitivity to be my greatest weakness. I’ve gotten used to being teased, laughed at, and ridiculed for crying because a bird flew into the window and died. I’m used to friends getting upset with me because I don’t want to be in loud, noisy bars. I’m used to people telling me to “suck it up” when I get hurt too easily. I’m used to people saying “don’t take it personally”. This world is just not designed for us sensitive people. But along with this sensitivity comes empathy and a true sense of love and caring for this world and all the people in it. And that’s a strength, don’t you think?

I guess there’s always two sides to the coin.