can't sleep....

It's 4am and I can't sleep. I found out yesterday I didn't get the job. And I'm disapointed. The director spent quite a lot of time on the phone with me, talking about what I can do to make myself a better candidate for next time. She told me that I just don't have any experience in public health, and that in the past few years, when they've selected "newbies" such as myself who don't know the "ins and outs" of the government public health system, people have gotten "tripped up" and not done as well as expected, so they didn't want that to happen again. She said that my lab background was extremely appealing to them, as was the fact that only 16 of all the applicants actually passed the test, and of those 16, I did exceptionally well on it. So at the end of it all, she told me my epidemiology skills are strong, and I interviewed really well, and I have an appropriate background, just no experience within the system.

She encouraged me to try again next year. Of course I mentioned the fact that the application process begins again in 8 months, and that leaves very little time to gain the experience they expect of me. She suggested that I contact the Medical Officer of Health here in Edmonton, and representatives of Alberta Public Health and Canada Public Health and see if I can't get someone to mentor me and show me the ropes on a volunteer, job-shadow kind of basis over the spring and summer. She told me if I had troubles to give her a call, she would try to help me. So that is all very positive. What bothers me about the whole thing is why they even interviewed me in the first place....my experience was all outlined in my resume and application, they knew from the get-go that I didn't have any public health experience.

Of course after that phone call I started emailing my contacts immediately. I started with one of the people on my thesis committee, one of my favourite mentors. I told him all that I have written here, and he gave me the name of a Deputy Medical Officer of Health here in Edmonton. This guy happens to be my undergrad project supervisor and someone whom I have had quite a bit of contact with over the years, someone I already have a good relationship with. So I will give him a ring next week and see if he can't set something up for me.

I know that everything happens the way it does for a reason, and that I didn't get into the program this time around because it isn't the right time for me. Maybe there's something better around the corner. Who knows? I know I can't be too hard on myself - the directors were so positive about me. What's hard is not knowing what's going to happen next. I know I should be excited and eagerly anticipate what's to come, but I am truly afraid that nothing will come. That I won't get the chance to do what I'm passionate about, that I won't find fulfillment in my career, that everything that I've worked so hard to achieve in my life will all amount to nothing. I'm feeling inadequate, and it's this feeling that is keeping from peaceful slumber right now.

My mom told me on the phone tonight that I am the stubbornist person she knows, and that she is quite confident this will just make me pull up my socks a little more, find an even better opportunity for myself and show those field epi people what they're missing in me. Ha! Maybe she's right!

And I feel for poor Shelley in all this. She was so sad when I told her (she thought I was going to get it for sure). She brought me flowers and wrote me a note saying that my time to shine will come. It was sweet. But this was the first catastrophe she had to deal with with me. The thing with me is that the LAST thing I want in times like this is sympathy or hand-holding or words of encouragement or anything like that. I already know all of that obvious stuff. I know another opportunity will come, I know I'm capable, I know all of that. What I need to do in times like these is reconnect to my spirit, find my strength, see the bigger picture, and refocus again. And these are things I need to do on my own, within myself. I think Shelley was a bit surprised that I wasn't talking much last night (I guess that is unusual for me, since I talk all the time). But once I told her I just needed to process it all in my head, but that it was a great comfort just to have her near me, we were okay. We went out for dinner, came home and snuggled on the couch with a movie, which of course I didn't watch because I was thinking.

Anyway, the first thing I need to do is get out of my current job, no matter what. That place is toxic for me in so many ways. I will start looking for lab jobs next week, kick my ass in gear on my thesis, clear my slate.

And now I might be feeling sleepy...good night.

it's been awhile....

I don’t know where the time goes sometimes…it’s not like I’ve been particularly busy these days, at least not more than usual. But I guess I have been preoccupied and completely lacking the mental space needed to write this thing. I STILL haven’t heard from the feds, although I shouldn’t be surprised since I’m technically not supposed to hear from them until Jan 31st. Needless to say, it’s causing me a bit of stress. I would like to know if I got a position as soon as possible so that I can just get on with it already! And then maybe I can start sleeping peacefully again…

There’s nothing really new…I’m just ticking along...I still hate my current job and am very seriously considering trying for a job back at the lab. In so many ways it feels like a step backwards, but it would provide me with $1000/month more than what I’m getting now and more mental space to get my thesis done and a bit more day-to-day happiness. So I’ll keep you posted on that front.

Shelley and I are doing wonderfully. Oh how she makes me laugh! And it’s so nice to be in the presence of woman who is so accepting and non-judgemental, kind and sensitive, and just beautiful. We have taken to cooking together quite a bit lately. This is a huge feat for me, partly because I’m not a very good cook (or at least I never used to be) and partly because I always seem to end up spending a lot of money going out for dinner with gf’s. So I like this new trend of ours.

ouch...hockey hurts

....but I still love it. We had a game last Friday and we only had 8 skaters. 8!!!! And believe it or not, we still managed to win 6-0. We all skated are asses off, and even the refs commented at the end of the game that our passing was awesome. Gooooooo Stingers! But then last night we had more skaters and we lost 5-2. But I got a goal. I think it might have been my 20th point! We played our ultimate rivals last night and they were mean, both in action and in word. We were getting so frustrated, even though we played so well. We were snapping at each other and at the coaches on the bench and no one was very chipper in the room after the game.

So here I am, already in a mood. S and I are having a discussion out in the parking lot about a tournament we have coming up - she might not be able to make it. We were discussing options on how to make it possible for her to come, and then I got even more frustrated. So in a complete act of immaturity, I threw my car keys across the parking lot into a bank of snow. I didn't even do it angrily. I just tossed them. S laughed, which was not the reaction I expected, naturally. And here goes a great big thank you to my amazing friends, who each grabbed a hockey stick and started combing the snow for my keys, in a straight-line formation, completely organized and in sync. And we found them right away. Phew! All S could do was laugh at me and tell me how cute I am. :-)

Anyway, I'm sore. Too much hockey, too much going to the gym!

playing the waiting game

Words cannot describe how completely tortuous it is sitting here waiting to find out if I got the job. Jan 31 seems a VERY long time away, especially when my gut is telling me I didn't get it. But there is still this part of me that knows I deserve this job, that I would kick ass at this job, that this job is meant for me. So I can't help but wonder if maybe my gut is wrong, if I am just stewing in self doubt, which knowing me is entirely possible! So even though I'm not expecting to get it, I am still hoping that I will, and believe that I should. And grappling with what the hell to do with my life if I don't get it.

It is stressful playing the waiting game. Every time the phone rings at work my heart lurches. Every time the computer tells me I have a new email I get dizzy. I call my answering maching at home every hour. And just now I looked at the CFEP website and got so excited at the thought of doing this job that I could've puked! My healthy heart will not be so healthy by the end of the month - I'm sure my blood pressure is through the roof!

Tsunami relief

I am proud of humanity for coming together and putting such an amazing effort into raising funds/supplies/volunteer aid to help the people of Southeast Asia. I suppose we can all relate to their suffering...losing our homes, our friends, our families, even our entire community is dreadful to imagine.

HOWEVER, I find it somewhat disturbing that humanity can't rally up this much support to combat other human tragedies around the world....poverty, HIV, war....These are all very real and very devastating plagues of the modern world. Perhaps as well-to-do North Americans these are experiences most of us can't relate to, so maybe these tragedies don't produce the same sort of empathy natural disasters do. I don't know.

But when I look at the numbers, I can't help but get a little bit frustrated. Yes, hundreds of thousands of people lost their lives, and many, many more lost their homes, or loved ones, or suffered injuries. And yes, there will be severe psychological consequences to the lives of the survivors. But over 4 MILLION people died of AIDS last year. Not to mention all the children that were orphaned, also left parentless and homeless, and also psychologically injured. Not to mention the tremendous cost to the economy, losing 4 million young, economically active members of society. Not to mention the BILLIONS of people living in poverty, malnourished, uneducated, etc. Why can't we pull together to raise money for these people? Help build these people homes? Help educate these people? Help feed them? Care about them?

Why is an earthquake deemed this huge tragedy, this huge emergency? What abut the conditions these people were living in before they were swallowed up by the Indian Ocean? What about all the diseases and the poverty that was killing them, although much slower, before the earthquakes? Why is that never considered worthy of millions of Canadian dollars, tax breaks, benefit concerts, etc?

...there's still life in this ol' ticker of mine...

I had a fitness appraisal done at the gym last night, despite not really wanting to. It's one thing knowing that you're chubby and out of shape and quite another thing to have a stranger measure different parts of you and TELL you these things to your face. But I figured if I really want to monitor my progress over the next few months, it's good to have a baseline. And it turns out that it's not as bad as I thought. Yes, I am chubby (34% body fat and I'm supposed to be at 18-25%)...obviously I have some work to do. I only did 13 pushups, which I happened to be quite proud of. However, the fitness dude said it was frustrating for him to watch me do them - he said I had perfect form right up the last pushup, but he felt that he could've got me to do at least another 5 more. I don't know about that, but whatever.

After the humiliation of him measuring my hips, waist, thighs, chest, and extremely flabby arms we did my resting heart rate and blood pressure and other heart-stuff. It turns out my heart and lungs are in extremely good shape! I may be chubby, but I'm still fit. And this is half the battle. I should be able to just hop on the treadmill and start burning all that fat right off! And I will...you just watch me!

It was so relieving to know that my heart was still beating....turns out hearts can recover just fine after they're broken...

me a government gal?

Aaaaaand the big interview is done. Phew! It was a tiring experience because of the mental stress, but it was all good. And damn, I looked hot! I got to experience a lot of “firsts” on this little trip: using a real suitcase with wheels instead of my pack, taking taxis all the time (hehehe I made a bit of an oops in my first taxi, forgetting I was in Canada and not Africa – I tried to pre-set the price and asked the poor driver if he had change….geez I’m an idiot sometimes!), staying in a fancy hotel that I didn’t have to pay for, and the list goes on.

I was a good little girl Sunday night…I took a bus (as per my usual travel routine) to downtown and walked around a little bit. But I was so tired from no sleep the night before and anxiety-ridden about the interview, so I went straight back to my room, ordered in a pizza, did my requisite 30 minutes on the stationary bike, half fell asleep in the hot tub and then crashed. I was awake to see every hour on the clock, stressing about the interview.

When the morning finally came, I was calm, cool and collected. I felt good in my hot little power suit. I was totally in the zone. And I had a good chuckle at myself. On the flight in they showed Wimbledon. Throughout all the tennis scenes we get to hear what’s going on in the main character’s head. “Don’t choke, don’t choke!” Well I was doing exactly the same thing as I was getting ready in the morning. It was humorous. And boy did I ever feel important when I got a phone call, “Miss Tubman, your taxi’s here”.

I had a lovely little chit chat with the taxi driver on the way to my interview. It put me in a nice friendly mood. When I arrived at 130 Colonnade I felt so confident, and as I sat waiting for someone to come collect me, all nervousness and uncertainty left me. I felt so at home in that building, like I belonged there. I said to myself, “I’m gonna go get this job!”

But then as the interview progressed, my confidence began to wane again, and for silly, silly reasons! It was such a standard interview! No challenges, no surprises, just the usual “what are your career goals and how will this program help you achieve them” and “describe a situation where you exercised flexibility”. Blah, blah, blah. All questions I have answered before, all questions I was prepared to answer. So I didn’t feel that I ever got a chance to let myself really shine. And after the formal interview there was another test to write…it was just an extrapolation from one of the questions on the first test we had to write. Again, it was simple and straightforward and I imagine every applicant will kick ass on it.

Speaking of the applicants, I think they are interviewing close to 40 people, which significantly diminishes my chances of getting a position. In addition, I briefly saw the 2 people who had interviews after me, and they were both at least a decade older than me, meaning much more experienced than me. So basically, in a nutshell, I’m not so sure I’m going to get this job, but I still have my fingers crossed! I KNOW that I would be amazing at this job!!!!!

Anyway, in the cab ride back to the hotel I just let it all go. Just took a few deep breaths and let go of it all. And then I had some fun – I went skating on Rideau Canal and ate beaver tails (we know them as elephant ears here) and hot apple cider. It was a gorgeous day and a wonderful experience. I love Ottawa, I feel comfortable there, and could quite easily see myself living there! Oooohhhh I hope, I hope!

I spent the entire flight back home thinking about Shelley and looking forward to seeing her in the airport. You know that body rush you get when you think about someone you like? Well, I had that feeling the whole way home and double strong when I saw her in the airport. I love those feelings!

Of course I was exhausted at work yesterday and actually quite busy, so I didn’t get the chance to let you all know how it went. Vickie called me last night giving me hell for not calling her ASAP to let her know how it all went. She made me smile, made me feel loved. In fact, to all of you who left messages on my phone and emailed me to wish me luck, thank you for caring! You’re all amazing and I love you!

the keeper

I stopped in at Earth's General Store on the way home from work last night and bought The Keeper. I've been meaning to for quite some time. It was a comedy of errors, the whole experience. I climbed up the stairs, which was no easy feat after the gruelling workout I had at the gym the night before. I came in from the cold so my glasses were fogged up. I walk through the doors of the store, and bumped right into the poor girl who works there. We both laughed. I took my glasses off so I could actually SEE her, and my GOD she was cute! I think I probably blushed, but then again so did she, so who cares. I asked her if she sold The Keeper, and she got very excited, touched both of my shoulders, and guided me to where they were kept. And then we started a rather lively discussion on various mishaps that occur while using alternative menstrual products, like sea sponges squirting when you laugh, drying your re-usables on the outside of your pack while traveling through tropical countries, and of course, her own personal anecdote of the Keeper getting stuck...which was just so encouraging to hear since I just bought one. And then she decided she should give me a little demonstration...how to fold it, insert it, form the seal, break the seal, blah, blah, blah. She described to me in horrific detail all the various things that can go wrong and how to fix it. I feel like I signed up for some new experimental surgery or something. We laughed, it was fun. But thankfully the thing is returnable if it doesn't work out for me.

PROGRESS!

Finally! I have a firm schedule in place for the completion of my thesis, my committee approves of it, so off I go! I'm in the process of negotiating another contract here at work with a schedule that will allow me time to actually work on my thesis....I'm SO excited!

aaahhh...sweet life.

It's a bit hard to be writing about happiness when so many people, families, countries are suffering from the devastation caused by the earthquake/tsunami's in Asia. However, what I learned from my travels overseas is that focusing on the tragedy, the pain, the suffering, the sadness, results in nothing getting done about said states of being. Crying over others' tears is an admirable show of empathy, but it doesn't take away their tears. When I say things like this, I often get criticized for being cold-hearted and self-centered. However, I have chosen a life path that introduces me to all sorts of pain in the world...being able to separate myself from the pain is part of what makes me good at what I do. I've always held these beliefs, but reading a quote on Darren's webpage made me more confident in myself:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -- Harold Whitman

And the past couple of days I have felt so alive. The tragedy in Asia has made me more determined than ever to move my career forward and has given me the energy to do what I need to do to accomplish that goal. I haven't had a chance yet to get nervous about my interview in Ottawa next week - I'm still too damn excited about it!

On top of all that, Shelley and I have been having a fantabulous time with each other. I have no idea what's going to happen between the two of us, but it sure is fun going through the process to find out. We went grocery shopping together the other day, and on the way were impressed by the most amazing sun dog in the sky...we could see it in two different places....and we were even more impressed that we both knew what a sun dog was. And I found myself falling for her more during our shopping excursion. I love shopping with partners to begin with, but Shelley is just damn cute. And, she doesn't tease me when I have to take 2 minutes to read the label of everything I buy, or complain when I can't find any free range eggs. She says, "No big deal, Michelle....we'll just stop somewhere else to get them." I wonder how long that patience will last!!!

Some have wondered if my joy is a result of the tremendous amount of fantastic sex I have been getting lately. And although it's true that I get a lot of it, and it is absolutely amazing (my GOD do we ever CLICK in that department!), I think a lot of the joy comes from the fact that she just lets me be me, all the time, no exceptions. I don't feel guilty when I'm grumpy or in a bad mood, and I hardly ever feel insecure with her. Sometimes I have issues with my body image, and when I do, she lets me explore those insecurities (and sometimes has to encourage me to do so). Shelley is so fit and so strong and I simply am not. But she insists I'm beautiful all around. Sigh....Things are generally light and fun between us. We laugh a lot, sometimes getting the giggles for no reason at all. And when it comes time to talk about something serious, we can switch into that mode in an instant. It's easy to be happy with her, there is simply no worries there.

We had our first hockey game of the new year tonight. We lost 6-5, but it was a pretty good game. I got 2 goals and an assist, and afterwards in the dressing room a few people commented on my playing, and it felt really good. I was struggling a bit during this game because our coach, who is usually amazing, was a bit of a snot tonight and it was pissing me off. I could have misheard him, but I thought I heard him call one of our players "ditzy" and he was not excited like he usually is, and was actually a bit critical of a lot of the time. It took all the energy I had not to tear a strip off of him. I'm sure he was just in a mood and all will be well again at our next game. Either that or he's getting a competitive streak in him. We finished off the first have of the season with something crazy like 8 wins in a row, and he asked us if we wanted to kick our goal for the season up a notch, from having fun to winning. My opinion on the matter: STICK WITH WHAT WORKS!!!! We spent the first half of the season concentrating on having fun, learning from each other and the coaches, and playing hockey for the love of the game. With this attitude, we were kicking ass and winning! Why mess with that? The girls were happy and having fun...there weren't as many smiles on the bench or in the room after this game. But hey, that's just my opinion.

Anyway, it's WAY past my bedtime....goodnight!