Tuesday, July 19, 2005

my latest dilemna...to md or not to md

I just finished writing this long, elaborate explanation of my latest obsession, only to somehow erase it all. I suppose I wasn't meant to share it with you. In a nutshell, I'm contemplating med school (I know I do this every year). Everyone I've talked to about this has a different opinion, and this doesn't help me at all. I know what I want to do with my life - my problem is that I don't know how to get there. I know that if I were to become a doctor, all I would have to do is sign up with Doctors Without Borders and spend the rest of my life providing care to those who need it most. Of course, I would have to finish nearly a decade more of school and pay back $100,000 debt first. It seems like an expensive, time consuming means to an end, especially since clinical work isn't really where my interest is! Plus, I have this feeling that I would spend the whole time in excruciating pain, living with the knowledge that there's somewhere else I'm supposed to be!

One person I talked to made the most sense to me - she told me that I am my own worst critic, and that I always underestimate my abilities and qualifications to do the things I want to do. She reminded me that the most creative people in the world don't know that they are that. I realise that med school is the safe route for me (that sounds ridiculous, I know, but it's how I feel!). Taking the chance, putting myself out there, and risking complete and utter failure is the scary thing to do right now. I'm just not sure I'm qualified to go do epi overseas right now - I'd really like to get some experience in Canada first.

So I guess I'm not sure what to do right now. Am I making excuses to go to med school, or making excuses not to go? I've got to make a rather fast decision. My current job will end within the next six months - where do I want to go next? And what happens if I never get there - to this place where I know I belong?

If anyone has the magic answer, I'd love to hear it. And don't tell me to follow my heart. I know that already.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Camping adventures

Last weekend Shelley and I went camping to Kananaskis, which is one of my most favourite places ever. I was working in Calgary the week before, and am still here in Calgary. Shelley packed up the camping equipment and the dogs, picked me up in my hotel, and off we went. We chose to take the scenic route out to Kananaskis from Canmore - in part because I forgot the dogs' leashes in my car and we had to buy news ones, and in part because the long and winding road up the mountains and around the sparkling turquoise crystal clear lakes is breathtakingly beautiful.

Despite a few hurdles (the entire provincial park was full and we had to pack up each morning and move to a different campsite), we had a fantastic trip. The weather was amazing, the dogs were a pleasure to have around (at least when they weren't trying to sleep on our heads in the tent), and life is just always better in the mountains. They are such a spiritual place for me. There is something about the way the peaks of mountains look against the sky - it's kind of like they don't belong there, but they choose to be there anyway.

We did a couple of great hikes - one up Mt Indefatiguable, and the other all the way around the upper lake. I've done both hikes many times before and love them. This is why I had to share them with Shelley - she loved them just as much as me, and that makes me so happy! The hike up the mountain gives you an incredible view of the valley below and the upper and lower lakes. On the way up we encountered a group of Japanese tourists coming down. One of them was trying to take a picture of the view, I assumed. I was wrong. She actually wanted a picture of Shelley and I with the dogs! This is the first time I've been in someone else's tourist pictures! It turns out that they recognized the Akita in Casper - a dog loved in Japan. We had a fun chat with the tour group, and then continued the grueling climb to the top. At the top we met three other couples who seemed to be amazing people. Both Shelley and I felt blessed to be in the company of such people. So often in the city all you encounter is snobby people, or angry people, or people who just want nothing to do with you for whatever reason. It is always a blessing to encounter people who are the opposite...

The hike around the lake always stuns me. You encounter dozens of different ecosystems on this hike - landslides, waterfalls, marshes, rain-forest-like terrain, old forest fires, and on, and on. It's a good 18km, but every km is beautiful. It's just a perfect mix of all the elements and leaves you completely renewed by the end of it.

Geez I'm tired.....bedtime for this girl.