why are things that cause pain sooooo much fun?

I'm sitting here typing a blog entry because quite frankly the thought of actually lifting myself out of my chair and walking the 3.1 km home is way too daunting. I went snowboarding for the frist time in my life last night, and although I lived to tell about it, I almost wish I hadn't, just so I didn't have to endure this pain!!! That said, I had a blast, loved it, and can't wait to torture myself on the slopes again. I'm told the second time is easier.....we'll see. A friend of mine teaches unsuspecting fools such as myself how to snowboard, and according to her, I am a freak of nature. The one thing I can do really well on a snowboard is get off the chairlift. She's never seen a first-timer ace this task. So good for me!

On another note, that job I was commiserating about in my last entry...well....I took the position and I start in a few weeks. It was hard giving my notice at my current job, believe it or not. And being asked by the boss what she could do to change my mind about it just made it even more difficult. But I am excited about starting something new. And excited about seeing more of Alberta and BC...lots of time to brush up on my French and photography...

We had our very last hockey game the other night. We lost 2-0, but we played the top team in the league (who, by the way, only lost 3 games all season, 2 of which were against us). We played with only 9 skaters, and missing our top 2 goal scorers. So given the circumstances, I think we did awesome. It was sad for me, though, because my new work schedule may not allow me to play hockey again next year....that will be so hard for me!

Aaah well...my whining about my aching bones got me a ride home....so I'll sign off for now...

oh, to be able to afford pomegranate juice

Sometimes I really hate being broke. Usually I can just deal with it, but lately it has been my numero uno cause of stress. Especially since I finally caved in and went to see a chiropractor, who so nicely informed me that I am completely out of whack. She is suggesting I see her 3 times a week for a month, and then drop down to 2 times a week for a bit, then once per week, and then finally once each month. Although I don't deny I need it, I can't afford it. So what's a girl to do? I haven't had a single headache since I started chiro. That is pretty spectacular. On top of it all, I keep seeing pomegranate juice in the grocery store, and I have heard so much about it's amazing nutritional properties, I feel I must try it....but at $5 for a teenie weenie bottle, I'm not going to be trying it any time soon!

Which leads me to the next thing. I need advice. I recently applied for a job. It is not a step up for me by any stretch of the imagination, but it pays significantly more (I'm talking about $9/hour more) and offers benefits. Plus, it involves lots of travel all over Alberta and BC. Since we all know how much I love airports, hotels, and roadtrips, this sounds like heaven to me. Well, I asked my superior at work to be a reference for me, which she agreed to. Then, completely out of the blue, I get called in to our office manager's office, and she tells me that they really, really don't want me to leave, and offered to up my salary, possibly give me benefits, etc. Now I feel this incredible sense of loyalty to my current place of work. They go out of there way to accomidate me, I would feel awful to leave them. But if I were offered this other position, it has some other benefits that would make me sooooo happy, and give me the opportunity to do some things for me that I have been denying myself, like lots of alone time, like my long walks, like learning a second language. What else would I do out in the middle of nowhere, in a hotel, for weeks at a time? I just don't know what to do.

I am not in the proper mental space right now to be going gung-ho for a top-notch epi job. This I know for sure. I still need to finish that damn thesis (and I am actually making terrific progress and suspect that it will be done by the end of the month), and on top of that, since I have been neglecting myself for quite some time, I need to get my body and my health and my emotional well-being back on track. I know that I will be much, much, much more successful at whatever I do (especially if it means moving to another city or going overseas) if I get stronger in these areas.

I started Ashtanga yoga last week and I absolutely loved it. The teacher is amazing, the room we do it in is amazing, my classmates are all wonderful. I felt like I belonged there, and was surrounded by like-minded people. That alone was a huge thing for me. I have found lately that I have been surrounded by people who don't think the same way I do, who don't have the same goals and values as me. I feel like I could spend hours trying to tell them where I'm at, and they just wouldn't understand. I overheard a conversation between two women at yoga, and craved to be a part of it, because they were articulating my thoughts perfectly. How sad is that???

I am sick. Again. I just got over the flu, which was horrible. I had a whole day of being somewhat energetic, and then I got a bad cold which turned into a nasty antibiotic-requiring infection in my ears, throat, and lungs. When will it end? I hate being sick. It's boring. There's only so much resting a person can do!

the flu sucks

Sorry it’s been so long. Time for an update. I’ve been sick, sick, sick, and really all I’ve done in the past 3 weeks is sleep, sleep some more, and then sleep again. I’m starting to feel better now, although my ideas of what my body can do these days seem somewhat ambitious. My mind is ready to get on with things, but my body would like to be lazy a little bit longer. However, I know that laziness begets laziness, so I’m just going to force myself to become active again, although I’ll do it pole pole (slowly….why am I letting Swahili slip in here????). Anyway, a few noteworthy things have happened, so here’s a a summary:

The other night Shelley and I went to this spirit medium circle thing. Neither one of us knew what we were getting into, but because of circumstance we ended up there, and decided to stick it out. Turns out it was an opportunity to converse with the dead. I’m serious. I was cynically sceptical at first, but then the moderator started saying things about people that she just couldn’t have known. Anyway, I received a nice message to give to Darren from his father regarding an up-coming wedding in the family, and I also was reassured from my grandfather that he watches out from me and keeps me on track. When I relayed this to my father later that night, he told me that when I was about 7 years old I had a recurring dream that I was falling out of an airplane and grandpa caught me. So maybe it’s true…..

What else…hmmm…Shelley and I saw a few movies. In my continued addiction to everything African, we saw “Shake Hands with the Devil” and “Hotel Rwanda”. The genocide from the point of view of the Canadian in charge of the failed UN mission to Rwanda on one hand, and the point of view of Tutsi refugees hiding out in a hotel on the other. I get so ANGRY at the world sometimes. When will we ever learn? Both movies disturbed me for days. And on a lighter note, we saw “Hitch”. Enough said.

I spent the long weekend dog sitting for a friend. It was not the funnest thing in the world, living in someone else’s house when are sick. But it was worth it - she gave me a whole bunch of movie passes, hence I was able to see the ones mentioned above.

At some point in time I took a couple of weeks off and finished the Results chapter of my thesis. That felt good, let me tell you. I have another 2 days off starting tomorrow to polish off another chapter.

Shelley and I went for a country drive the other day…the sun was shining and it felt so good on my face through the window of her truck. We stopped at a small café in a small town for lunch…yummy….homemade food.

I may be starting a new job at the end of March - I haven’t decided if I’m going to take it. It would be fun, but totally not challenging or resume-building – just something more healthy to pass the time until I can do what I really want to do. Which leads me into the numero uno dilemma - what the hell to do with my life once the thesis is done. Go overseas, don’t go overseas. What’s a girl to do!!!! Of course I feel my calling is to go overseas, but can I afford it? Would it be wise to get a “normal” job as my mom would call it and pay off my student loans before going to serve to impoverished people of the world for next-to-no money? To make things even more excruciatingly difficult, other opportunities keep popping up and I have no idea what to do about them. None of them are in Alberta, and it’s hard to think about moving away when you are as sick as a dog and don’t have enough energy to walk to the toilet.
I realize that I need to stop thinking about the future and enjoy the moment. So, in light of this, I’m taking a sweat yoga class, starting tonight. Should be good for me…Mondays will be great – sweat yoga followed by L-Word with the girls. Nice!

I guess that’s all for now.

hockey, hockey, and more hockey

Stingers in Edson Feb 2005

It appears I'm getting a tad bit lazy with this blogging business. It could be because all I've done for the past week or two is HOCKEY! I just learned how to add pictures to my blog, so above you can see my beloved hockey team partaking in debauchery...oh, it was good times. I'm looking forward to next week, when there will be no unrealistic demands on my body, just on my mind, as I attempt to actually bite the bullet and write my pain-in-the-ass thesis. I'll keep you posted as I slowly descend into the madness only academia can induce....

I'm on a new kick....

....although it's related to my passion for international health. In my last post I wrote a bit about the relationship between humanitarian aid and military intervention. Well, in trying to learn more about it, I have found myself quite intrigued by international humanitarian law: political prisoners, prisoners of war, casualties of war, the role of capitivity and torture in war, the Geneva Conventions and so on. I'm intrigued by the role of medical personnel in war. It all has me rather excited at the moment.

When I sit down and think about what I want to do when I grow up, I get all energized and motivated when I think about working overseas. However, I get all stressed when I think about working in development because of my experience with NGOs in Africa - the lack of collaboration and cooperation, the wasteful spending of money, the concentration in urban areas and avoidance of rural areas and the people who need their services the most, the whole expat ghetto thing...it just angers me. But when I think of high-stress emergency situations - war, natural disasters, refugees, civil unrest - and what I can do in these situations, I feel motivated.

But despite this motivation, I have made a decision to just stop looking for new careers and focus on finishing my thesis...it will be done in a few short months, and then I can go nuts, without the stress of an unfinished thesis looming over my head like a big grey rain cloud. I'm even gonna stay at this job - they have given me a raise and are allowing me to work 4-day weeks until I get my thesis written...I think what I'll plan to do is work 3 days one week and 5 the next, giving me 2 focused thesis days every 2 weeks, rather than just one day per week...I tend to get on a role. If I buckle down and notify my friends and family that I am going into hiding for a little while, it will get done for sure...

Anyway...back to work I go.

and on a happier note...

I have a couple of job leads, here in Edmonton, to keep me happy until that good ol' thesis is done. On top of that, it's International Week on campus, and I have been getting my fill of global issues. I've heard the prince of Swaziland (who is also the grandson of Nelson Mandela) speak, as well as Omar Kdar's lawyer. I also spent lots of time this evening before hockey with an expert in working internationally. He had all sorts of advice for me and has agreed to help me "internationalize" my resume. I learned so much from him and he got me excited about my big job search again. There are many more interesting lectures to come, including the Canadian director of MSF and a representative of CIDA...more networking opportunities for me!

And as I attend these lectures and think about the next step in my life, I find myself really questioning the nature of humanitarian aid...it's supposed to be based on principles of neutrality and impartiality, but such principles are obviuosly compromised in so many parts of the world these days...humanitarian aid often coincides with military intervention, which often carries a political agenda, hence there becomes politicization of humanitarian aid, which negates it's primary tenet of neutrality. This needs more thought on my part.....but in the morning, when my head ain't so fuzzy.

can't sleep....

It's 4am and I can't sleep. I found out yesterday I didn't get the job. And I'm disapointed. The director spent quite a lot of time on the phone with me, talking about what I can do to make myself a better candidate for next time. She told me that I just don't have any experience in public health, and that in the past few years, when they've selected "newbies" such as myself who don't know the "ins and outs" of the government public health system, people have gotten "tripped up" and not done as well as expected, so they didn't want that to happen again. She said that my lab background was extremely appealing to them, as was the fact that only 16 of all the applicants actually passed the test, and of those 16, I did exceptionally well on it. So at the end of it all, she told me my epidemiology skills are strong, and I interviewed really well, and I have an appropriate background, just no experience within the system.

She encouraged me to try again next year. Of course I mentioned the fact that the application process begins again in 8 months, and that leaves very little time to gain the experience they expect of me. She suggested that I contact the Medical Officer of Health here in Edmonton, and representatives of Alberta Public Health and Canada Public Health and see if I can't get someone to mentor me and show me the ropes on a volunteer, job-shadow kind of basis over the spring and summer. She told me if I had troubles to give her a call, she would try to help me. So that is all very positive. What bothers me about the whole thing is why they even interviewed me in the first place....my experience was all outlined in my resume and application, they knew from the get-go that I didn't have any public health experience.

Of course after that phone call I started emailing my contacts immediately. I started with one of the people on my thesis committee, one of my favourite mentors. I told him all that I have written here, and he gave me the name of a Deputy Medical Officer of Health here in Edmonton. This guy happens to be my undergrad project supervisor and someone whom I have had quite a bit of contact with over the years, someone I already have a good relationship with. So I will give him a ring next week and see if he can't set something up for me.

I know that everything happens the way it does for a reason, and that I didn't get into the program this time around because it isn't the right time for me. Maybe there's something better around the corner. Who knows? I know I can't be too hard on myself - the directors were so positive about me. What's hard is not knowing what's going to happen next. I know I should be excited and eagerly anticipate what's to come, but I am truly afraid that nothing will come. That I won't get the chance to do what I'm passionate about, that I won't find fulfillment in my career, that everything that I've worked so hard to achieve in my life will all amount to nothing. I'm feeling inadequate, and it's this feeling that is keeping from peaceful slumber right now.

My mom told me on the phone tonight that I am the stubbornist person she knows, and that she is quite confident this will just make me pull up my socks a little more, find an even better opportunity for myself and show those field epi people what they're missing in me. Ha! Maybe she's right!

And I feel for poor Shelley in all this. She was so sad when I told her (she thought I was going to get it for sure). She brought me flowers and wrote me a note saying that my time to shine will come. It was sweet. But this was the first catastrophe she had to deal with with me. The thing with me is that the LAST thing I want in times like this is sympathy or hand-holding or words of encouragement or anything like that. I already know all of that obvious stuff. I know another opportunity will come, I know I'm capable, I know all of that. What I need to do in times like these is reconnect to my spirit, find my strength, see the bigger picture, and refocus again. And these are things I need to do on my own, within myself. I think Shelley was a bit surprised that I wasn't talking much last night (I guess that is unusual for me, since I talk all the time). But once I told her I just needed to process it all in my head, but that it was a great comfort just to have her near me, we were okay. We went out for dinner, came home and snuggled on the couch with a movie, which of course I didn't watch because I was thinking.

Anyway, the first thing I need to do is get out of my current job, no matter what. That place is toxic for me in so many ways. I will start looking for lab jobs next week, kick my ass in gear on my thesis, clear my slate.

And now I might be feeling sleepy...good night.

it's been awhile....

I don’t know where the time goes sometimes…it’s not like I’ve been particularly busy these days, at least not more than usual. But I guess I have been preoccupied and completely lacking the mental space needed to write this thing. I STILL haven’t heard from the feds, although I shouldn’t be surprised since I’m technically not supposed to hear from them until Jan 31st. Needless to say, it’s causing me a bit of stress. I would like to know if I got a position as soon as possible so that I can just get on with it already! And then maybe I can start sleeping peacefully again…

There’s nothing really new…I’m just ticking along...I still hate my current job and am very seriously considering trying for a job back at the lab. In so many ways it feels like a step backwards, but it would provide me with $1000/month more than what I’m getting now and more mental space to get my thesis done and a bit more day-to-day happiness. So I’ll keep you posted on that front.

Shelley and I are doing wonderfully. Oh how she makes me laugh! And it’s so nice to be in the presence of woman who is so accepting and non-judgemental, kind and sensitive, and just beautiful. We have taken to cooking together quite a bit lately. This is a huge feat for me, partly because I’m not a very good cook (or at least I never used to be) and partly because I always seem to end up spending a lot of money going out for dinner with gf’s. So I like this new trend of ours.

ouch...hockey hurts

....but I still love it. We had a game last Friday and we only had 8 skaters. 8!!!! And believe it or not, we still managed to win 6-0. We all skated are asses off, and even the refs commented at the end of the game that our passing was awesome. Gooooooo Stingers! But then last night we had more skaters and we lost 5-2. But I got a goal. I think it might have been my 20th point! We played our ultimate rivals last night and they were mean, both in action and in word. We were getting so frustrated, even though we played so well. We were snapping at each other and at the coaches on the bench and no one was very chipper in the room after the game.

So here I am, already in a mood. S and I are having a discussion out in the parking lot about a tournament we have coming up - she might not be able to make it. We were discussing options on how to make it possible for her to come, and then I got even more frustrated. So in a complete act of immaturity, I threw my car keys across the parking lot into a bank of snow. I didn't even do it angrily. I just tossed them. S laughed, which was not the reaction I expected, naturally. And here goes a great big thank you to my amazing friends, who each grabbed a hockey stick and started combing the snow for my keys, in a straight-line formation, completely organized and in sync. And we found them right away. Phew! All S could do was laugh at me and tell me how cute I am. :-)

Anyway, I'm sore. Too much hockey, too much going to the gym!

playing the waiting game

Words cannot describe how completely tortuous it is sitting here waiting to find out if I got the job. Jan 31 seems a VERY long time away, especially when my gut is telling me I didn't get it. But there is still this part of me that knows I deserve this job, that I would kick ass at this job, that this job is meant for me. So I can't help but wonder if maybe my gut is wrong, if I am just stewing in self doubt, which knowing me is entirely possible! So even though I'm not expecting to get it, I am still hoping that I will, and believe that I should. And grappling with what the hell to do with my life if I don't get it.

It is stressful playing the waiting game. Every time the phone rings at work my heart lurches. Every time the computer tells me I have a new email I get dizzy. I call my answering maching at home every hour. And just now I looked at the CFEP website and got so excited at the thought of doing this job that I could've puked! My healthy heart will not be so healthy by the end of the month - I'm sure my blood pressure is through the roof!

Tsunami relief

I am proud of humanity for coming together and putting such an amazing effort into raising funds/supplies/volunteer aid to help the people of Southeast Asia. I suppose we can all relate to their suffering...losing our homes, our friends, our families, even our entire community is dreadful to imagine.

HOWEVER, I find it somewhat disturbing that humanity can't rally up this much support to combat other human tragedies around the world....poverty, HIV, war....These are all very real and very devastating plagues of the modern world. Perhaps as well-to-do North Americans these are experiences most of us can't relate to, so maybe these tragedies don't produce the same sort of empathy natural disasters do. I don't know.

But when I look at the numbers, I can't help but get a little bit frustrated. Yes, hundreds of thousands of people lost their lives, and many, many more lost their homes, or loved ones, or suffered injuries. And yes, there will be severe psychological consequences to the lives of the survivors. But over 4 MILLION people died of AIDS last year. Not to mention all the children that were orphaned, also left parentless and homeless, and also psychologically injured. Not to mention the tremendous cost to the economy, losing 4 million young, economically active members of society. Not to mention the BILLIONS of people living in poverty, malnourished, uneducated, etc. Why can't we pull together to raise money for these people? Help build these people homes? Help educate these people? Help feed them? Care about them?

Why is an earthquake deemed this huge tragedy, this huge emergency? What abut the conditions these people were living in before they were swallowed up by the Indian Ocean? What about all the diseases and the poverty that was killing them, although much slower, before the earthquakes? Why is that never considered worthy of millions of Canadian dollars, tax breaks, benefit concerts, etc?

...there's still life in this ol' ticker of mine...

I had a fitness appraisal done at the gym last night, despite not really wanting to. It's one thing knowing that you're chubby and out of shape and quite another thing to have a stranger measure different parts of you and TELL you these things to your face. But I figured if I really want to monitor my progress over the next few months, it's good to have a baseline. And it turns out that it's not as bad as I thought. Yes, I am chubby (34% body fat and I'm supposed to be at 18-25%)...obviously I have some work to do. I only did 13 pushups, which I happened to be quite proud of. However, the fitness dude said it was frustrating for him to watch me do them - he said I had perfect form right up the last pushup, but he felt that he could've got me to do at least another 5 more. I don't know about that, but whatever.

After the humiliation of him measuring my hips, waist, thighs, chest, and extremely flabby arms we did my resting heart rate and blood pressure and other heart-stuff. It turns out my heart and lungs are in extremely good shape! I may be chubby, but I'm still fit. And this is half the battle. I should be able to just hop on the treadmill and start burning all that fat right off! And I will...you just watch me!

It was so relieving to know that my heart was still beating....turns out hearts can recover just fine after they're broken...

me a government gal?

Aaaaaand the big interview is done. Phew! It was a tiring experience because of the mental stress, but it was all good. And damn, I looked hot! I got to experience a lot of “firsts” on this little trip: using a real suitcase with wheels instead of my pack, taking taxis all the time (hehehe I made a bit of an oops in my first taxi, forgetting I was in Canada and not Africa – I tried to pre-set the price and asked the poor driver if he had change….geez I’m an idiot sometimes!), staying in a fancy hotel that I didn’t have to pay for, and the list goes on.

I was a good little girl Sunday night…I took a bus (as per my usual travel routine) to downtown and walked around a little bit. But I was so tired from no sleep the night before and anxiety-ridden about the interview, so I went straight back to my room, ordered in a pizza, did my requisite 30 minutes on the stationary bike, half fell asleep in the hot tub and then crashed. I was awake to see every hour on the clock, stressing about the interview.

When the morning finally came, I was calm, cool and collected. I felt good in my hot little power suit. I was totally in the zone. And I had a good chuckle at myself. On the flight in they showed Wimbledon. Throughout all the tennis scenes we get to hear what’s going on in the main character’s head. “Don’t choke, don’t choke!” Well I was doing exactly the same thing as I was getting ready in the morning. It was humorous. And boy did I ever feel important when I got a phone call, “Miss Tubman, your taxi’s here”.

I had a lovely little chit chat with the taxi driver on the way to my interview. It put me in a nice friendly mood. When I arrived at 130 Colonnade I felt so confident, and as I sat waiting for someone to come collect me, all nervousness and uncertainty left me. I felt so at home in that building, like I belonged there. I said to myself, “I’m gonna go get this job!”

But then as the interview progressed, my confidence began to wane again, and for silly, silly reasons! It was such a standard interview! No challenges, no surprises, just the usual “what are your career goals and how will this program help you achieve them” and “describe a situation where you exercised flexibility”. Blah, blah, blah. All questions I have answered before, all questions I was prepared to answer. So I didn’t feel that I ever got a chance to let myself really shine. And after the formal interview there was another test to write…it was just an extrapolation from one of the questions on the first test we had to write. Again, it was simple and straightforward and I imagine every applicant will kick ass on it.

Speaking of the applicants, I think they are interviewing close to 40 people, which significantly diminishes my chances of getting a position. In addition, I briefly saw the 2 people who had interviews after me, and they were both at least a decade older than me, meaning much more experienced than me. So basically, in a nutshell, I’m not so sure I’m going to get this job, but I still have my fingers crossed! I KNOW that I would be amazing at this job!!!!!

Anyway, in the cab ride back to the hotel I just let it all go. Just took a few deep breaths and let go of it all. And then I had some fun – I went skating on Rideau Canal and ate beaver tails (we know them as elephant ears here) and hot apple cider. It was a gorgeous day and a wonderful experience. I love Ottawa, I feel comfortable there, and could quite easily see myself living there! Oooohhhh I hope, I hope!

I spent the entire flight back home thinking about Shelley and looking forward to seeing her in the airport. You know that body rush you get when you think about someone you like? Well, I had that feeling the whole way home and double strong when I saw her in the airport. I love those feelings!

Of course I was exhausted at work yesterday and actually quite busy, so I didn’t get the chance to let you all know how it went. Vickie called me last night giving me hell for not calling her ASAP to let her know how it all went. She made me smile, made me feel loved. In fact, to all of you who left messages on my phone and emailed me to wish me luck, thank you for caring! You’re all amazing and I love you!

the keeper

I stopped in at Earth's General Store on the way home from work last night and bought The Keeper. I've been meaning to for quite some time. It was a comedy of errors, the whole experience. I climbed up the stairs, which was no easy feat after the gruelling workout I had at the gym the night before. I came in from the cold so my glasses were fogged up. I walk through the doors of the store, and bumped right into the poor girl who works there. We both laughed. I took my glasses off so I could actually SEE her, and my GOD she was cute! I think I probably blushed, but then again so did she, so who cares. I asked her if she sold The Keeper, and she got very excited, touched both of my shoulders, and guided me to where they were kept. And then we started a rather lively discussion on various mishaps that occur while using alternative menstrual products, like sea sponges squirting when you laugh, drying your re-usables on the outside of your pack while traveling through tropical countries, and of course, her own personal anecdote of the Keeper getting stuck...which was just so encouraging to hear since I just bought one. And then she decided she should give me a little demonstration...how to fold it, insert it, form the seal, break the seal, blah, blah, blah. She described to me in horrific detail all the various things that can go wrong and how to fix it. I feel like I signed up for some new experimental surgery or something. We laughed, it was fun. But thankfully the thing is returnable if it doesn't work out for me.

PROGRESS!

Finally! I have a firm schedule in place for the completion of my thesis, my committee approves of it, so off I go! I'm in the process of negotiating another contract here at work with a schedule that will allow me time to actually work on my thesis....I'm SO excited!

aaahhh...sweet life.

It's a bit hard to be writing about happiness when so many people, families, countries are suffering from the devastation caused by the earthquake/tsunami's in Asia. However, what I learned from my travels overseas is that focusing on the tragedy, the pain, the suffering, the sadness, results in nothing getting done about said states of being. Crying over others' tears is an admirable show of empathy, but it doesn't take away their tears. When I say things like this, I often get criticized for being cold-hearted and self-centered. However, I have chosen a life path that introduces me to all sorts of pain in the world...being able to separate myself from the pain is part of what makes me good at what I do. I've always held these beliefs, but reading a quote on Darren's webpage made me more confident in myself:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -- Harold Whitman

And the past couple of days I have felt so alive. The tragedy in Asia has made me more determined than ever to move my career forward and has given me the energy to do what I need to do to accomplish that goal. I haven't had a chance yet to get nervous about my interview in Ottawa next week - I'm still too damn excited about it!

On top of all that, Shelley and I have been having a fantabulous time with each other. I have no idea what's going to happen between the two of us, but it sure is fun going through the process to find out. We went grocery shopping together the other day, and on the way were impressed by the most amazing sun dog in the sky...we could see it in two different places....and we were even more impressed that we both knew what a sun dog was. And I found myself falling for her more during our shopping excursion. I love shopping with partners to begin with, but Shelley is just damn cute. And, she doesn't tease me when I have to take 2 minutes to read the label of everything I buy, or complain when I can't find any free range eggs. She says, "No big deal, Michelle....we'll just stop somewhere else to get them." I wonder how long that patience will last!!!

Some have wondered if my joy is a result of the tremendous amount of fantastic sex I have been getting lately. And although it's true that I get a lot of it, and it is absolutely amazing (my GOD do we ever CLICK in that department!), I think a lot of the joy comes from the fact that she just lets me be me, all the time, no exceptions. I don't feel guilty when I'm grumpy or in a bad mood, and I hardly ever feel insecure with her. Sometimes I have issues with my body image, and when I do, she lets me explore those insecurities (and sometimes has to encourage me to do so). Shelley is so fit and so strong and I simply am not. But she insists I'm beautiful all around. Sigh....Things are generally light and fun between us. We laugh a lot, sometimes getting the giggles for no reason at all. And when it comes time to talk about something serious, we can switch into that mode in an instant. It's easy to be happy with her, there is simply no worries there.

We had our first hockey game of the new year tonight. We lost 6-5, but it was a pretty good game. I got 2 goals and an assist, and afterwards in the dressing room a few people commented on my playing, and it felt really good. I was struggling a bit during this game because our coach, who is usually amazing, was a bit of a snot tonight and it was pissing me off. I could have misheard him, but I thought I heard him call one of our players "ditzy" and he was not excited like he usually is, and was actually a bit critical of a lot of the time. It took all the energy I had not to tear a strip off of him. I'm sure he was just in a mood and all will be well again at our next game. Either that or he's getting a competitive streak in him. We finished off the first have of the season with something crazy like 8 wins in a row, and he asked us if we wanted to kick our goal for the season up a notch, from having fun to winning. My opinion on the matter: STICK WITH WHAT WORKS!!!! We spent the first half of the season concentrating on having fun, learning from each other and the coaches, and playing hockey for the love of the game. With this attitude, we were kicking ass and winning! Why mess with that? The girls were happy and having fun...there weren't as many smiles on the bench or in the room after this game. But hey, that's just my opinion.

Anyway, it's WAY past my bedtime....goodnight!

a small story to illustrate why you should listen to FEELINGS

I'll keep it short and simple....Shelley lost her keys the other day while we were shopping for my glasses. Her car-starter-alarm-thingy was on her key chain, so naturally and justifiably she was concerned. But, you see, I had a FEELING that they weren't lost. We looked high and low for these keys, but to no avail. I do believe Shelley had just come to the conclusion that they were gone forever. But I still had a FEELING that they weren't lost. Shelley just looked at me and said "you and your feelings". Boy, if I had a dime for every time I heard that line! Well, anyway, coming home last night, I found a big sign on the apt bulletin board "Lost set of keys in manager's office". So, I marched down to the office this morning, and sure enough, there were Shelley's keys! So they weren't lost afterall....the moral of the story is....LISTEN to your FEELINGS! Or at least listen to mine.....:-)

You have no idea how hard it is to type right now....I got a set of knives for Christmas and I cut my finger already. Geez.

time flies, eh?

Well Christmas is over....survived another one. Phew! Actually, it wasn't too bad this year...there was no drama and I got spoiled rotten, of course. Shelley came to Christmas Eve with my family and we all had a blast...the majority of the jokes revolved around me, but hey, I'm used to that! I made Cosmos all night, so everyone was VERY happy. Tim and Erin hosted their very first Christmas dinner, and it went off without a hitch...Erin very kindly had lots of vegetarian options for me. Unfortunately Shelley couldn't join us, as she was eating roasted beaver with her family. :)

And now I'm on holidays all week! Today is all about spoiling myself....I've got a hair appointment in a few minutes, eyebrow waxing later this afternoon, and an eye appointment in between...I got new glasses from Santa and they are fantabulous! And before you ask again, Darren, yes, I will post a picture! New glasses AND a power suit! Ottawa won't be able to resist me now!

I accidently called Shelley Kristy the other day...that was a very big oops and I felt awful. I was more upset than Shelley was, I think. I don't know what I did right to have such understanding women in my life.

Anyway....gotta run to that hair appointment. I've been having such great hair days lately - I'm almost afraid to mess with it!

imagine me in a power suit...now stop drooling!

Shelley took me shopping for a power suit for my interview last night - I took advantage of the massive sales and purchased myself a snazzy don't-mess-with-me-or-else power suit. I found a couple I liked, but I couldn't rely on Shelley's opinion for anything because she thinks I look good in everything...:-). Anyway, I had it narrowed down to a simple but classic grey suit, and this awesome black one with lime green trim. Of course I went for the lime green/black combo...it is sufficiently professional, with just enough lime green to make it funky. All the girls at work believe this requires a new pair of shoes.....hmmm...more shopping!

geez, does it ever end?

I find it rather funny that when good things happen, I tend to jump for joy, gather friends, and go out and celebrate. But everytime I experience a negative emotion, it gets jotted down on this blog...so all you reading this must thing I am a depressive whiny lazy-ass. Which i am not, for the record. :-) It's just that usually this negative stuff is so very temporary, and usually once I sit down at my computer and hammer it all out I feel much better.

And what's the problem this time, you might ask? Well, as of lately, it can only be one thing, the only thing that makes me cry these days - KB. It's solstice today, and I sent her a card. Why? Well because I was thinking of her and missing her. And I feel like an ass for being hurt when I have no right to be hurt. For letting her know how hurt I am when that's the last thing she needs in her happy little love-filled life right now. And for withdrawing what might have been an amazing friendship because my heart hurts too much to see her or hear her voice. She told me she's sore....she's had a crazy onslaught of various injuries. And what's my reaction to that? I feel terrible for her! I sympathize for her! I want to send her something cheerful in the mail so that she can forget the pains in her body for a few minutes. But I was able to just tuck all that away and get on with my day just fine, thank you very much.

And then, mere minutes ago, in a desperate moment of weakness, I looked at her on-line diary. I haven't done that in quite some time - I feel rather intrusive, since we aren't sharing things with each other at the moment. She has answered a survey about 2004. And she mentions me a couple of times. And I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, I don't. It caused me stress to see my name there and I don't know why. But seeing how obviously excited she is about the imminent arrival of her gf hurt like hell. It's amazing that I could be sooooooo disapointed in life and love all because of a couple of months talking to a woman I barely know, a woman I didn't date, a woman "who tried to love me the way I loved her" but simply couldn't.

The thing is, I don't want to date her anymore. I don't trust her heart, her judgements, her actions. I'm sure that will change - she is a remarkable woman, definitely worthy of trust. I just need time, I guess. Obviously, I would never want to be with someone who didn't feel love for me, but I still sometimes have moments where I wish she did feel for me.

I thought I knew! I thought we would have a lifetime together! I really did! Maybe those instincts were right....maybe we ARE meant to have a lifetime together - as friends - through all of the suprises life brings. The thought of that makes me quite happy...because I miss talking to her. But I don't know how to get there....it still hurts. I would like to be able to share her excitement about her girl, listen to her talk about her and be happy and supportive, but I can't!

I should really just give up on it all and move to the desert. I like it there.