geez, does it ever end?

I find it rather funny that when good things happen, I tend to jump for joy, gather friends, and go out and celebrate. But everytime I experience a negative emotion, it gets jotted down on this blog...so all you reading this must thing I am a depressive whiny lazy-ass. Which i am not, for the record. :-) It's just that usually this negative stuff is so very temporary, and usually once I sit down at my computer and hammer it all out I feel much better.

And what's the problem this time, you might ask? Well, as of lately, it can only be one thing, the only thing that makes me cry these days - KB. It's solstice today, and I sent her a card. Why? Well because I was thinking of her and missing her. And I feel like an ass for being hurt when I have no right to be hurt. For letting her know how hurt I am when that's the last thing she needs in her happy little love-filled life right now. And for withdrawing what might have been an amazing friendship because my heart hurts too much to see her or hear her voice. She told me she's sore....she's had a crazy onslaught of various injuries. And what's my reaction to that? I feel terrible for her! I sympathize for her! I want to send her something cheerful in the mail so that she can forget the pains in her body for a few minutes. But I was able to just tuck all that away and get on with my day just fine, thank you very much.

And then, mere minutes ago, in a desperate moment of weakness, I looked at her on-line diary. I haven't done that in quite some time - I feel rather intrusive, since we aren't sharing things with each other at the moment. She has answered a survey about 2004. And she mentions me a couple of times. And I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, I don't. It caused me stress to see my name there and I don't know why. But seeing how obviously excited she is about the imminent arrival of her gf hurt like hell. It's amazing that I could be sooooooo disapointed in life and love all because of a couple of months talking to a woman I barely know, a woman I didn't date, a woman "who tried to love me the way I loved her" but simply couldn't.

The thing is, I don't want to date her anymore. I don't trust her heart, her judgements, her actions. I'm sure that will change - she is a remarkable woman, definitely worthy of trust. I just need time, I guess. Obviously, I would never want to be with someone who didn't feel love for me, but I still sometimes have moments where I wish she did feel for me.

I thought I knew! I thought we would have a lifetime together! I really did! Maybe those instincts were right....maybe we ARE meant to have a lifetime together - as friends - through all of the suprises life brings. The thought of that makes me quite happy...because I miss talking to her. But I don't know how to get there....it still hurts. I would like to be able to share her excitement about her girl, listen to her talk about her and be happy and supportive, but I can't!

I should really just give up on it all and move to the desert. I like it there.