Connected?

Do you ever reach that point of emotional saturation, where you simply just can't feel anymore? I'm there at the moment, and I don't like it! I had such an emotional weekend (like you couldn't guess that from my previous entry) and I've reached complete numbness. I'm sure by the morning, I'll be back to my tearful self. I was talking to a friend tonight (at a stinky, smoky, gross, disgusting bingo hall - hockey fundraiser of course). I described to her a feeling I've experienced a few times over the last month. You know how everyone always talks about that feeling of not being able to get close enough to someone? You're holding them and you just keep squeezing tighter and tighter because you just can't get them close enough. I'm very familiar with that feeling. Well, this feeling I've had is one I've never experienced before. It starts with that I-can't-get-close-enough-to-you feeling. But then I can feel her in me, I can feel her in my whole body, from head to toe. She *is* close enough. It is the most powerful, amazing experience. As I explained this to my friend, her whole demeanor changed. She very gently, very kindly told me "that's love, Michelle. Haven't you ever felt that before?" And I was ashamed to admit that I haven't.

So I drive home from the bingo tonight with this mix of emotions:

• acute awareness of the love I'm feeling
• shame that I have reached the age of 28 and am only now beginning to understand what love even feels like
• rejection because that love is not returned (but only a bit - I'm not sure I'm really feeling rejected, but I think I'm supposed to, so it's a bit confusing)
• that whole-body feeling of having her with me, and truly hoping she's doing well and getting her paper done
• I am dumbfounded as to how we can even have the capacity to love so much those who do not or cannot love us back in the same way
• guilt over feeling good about the attention and affection I'm receiving from a friend
• sadness over the fact that I can't give this friend what she wants
• disappointment in myself for I don't even know what anymore
• joy and amusement over a teammate flashing the cars on the highway as we drove home (omg it was funny, and a treat - she's HOT!)
• stress and frustration over my job
• anticipation and wanting so badly to know what the future has in store for me
• I feel grateful for some of the amazing people I have in my life

You get the point. There's some big stuff in there. I went through emotional panic mode for awhile - being sick didn't help. Lying down all day makes for way too much thinking time! If you happen to be an over-analyzer such as myself, then too much idle time is not necessarily a good thing!

Anyway, throughout all of this I have lost my connection to the universe, and lost that sense of peace (and the trust that goes along with it). So my job right now is to get myself reconnected, find my intuition again, and look at my life from that sense of peace and trust, rather than panic. I've had my ups and downs in life, and as my dad always says, usually with complete astonishment, "Michelle, you always come out of shit holes smelling like roses". And when I look back on my life, he's right. Things ALWAYS end up good for me in the end. Not always the way I thought I wanted or predicted, but always good. And I know that there are amazing things waiting for me around the corner. It's just a matter of getting there. And of course that's always the hardest part.

Someone once told me that it's easy to be happy and feel at peace and trust yourself in the quiet times, and in the happy times. But the challenge to achieving true happiness is to be able to maintain those feelings during times of transition. There's always been a clear direction in my life, I always knew where I was going next. This year has been different. I'm in transition in every single aspect of my life - love, career, life goals - it has been a tremendous challenge to enjoy life in this moment without worrying about what's coming next.

I think for me the key is to stay connected and maintain that trust in myself. I'm finding there's a lot of fear involved in trusting myself, and when I get bombarded with emotions, fear drives away my connection. So I think what I need to learn is how to reconnect when that happens. I think I can recognize when fear starts to take over, so step #2 will be to learn how to stop the fear when it comes calling.

I wonder if I can learn these things in this lifetime?