God speed the missionaries

So I just turned down a “deputy director” position in Mozambique because I had a serious case of an illness called “morality”. Damn. There are days when I simply wish I were somebody else. I spend so much time dreaming about Africa, remembering Africa, longing for Africa, and then an opportunity like this comes up and I have to turn it down. Why? Because the offer came from a Christian organization. And although I have tremendous respect for the relief work this organization does, hell would have to freeze over before I would allow myself to be the poster girl for them. It’s frustrating….I was just reading about Darfur in the Sudan. There are more than 25 Christian aid organizations at work in that region. This, to me, seems even worse than colonialism (in fact, colonialism can be blamed for the Christianization of Africa, come to think of it).

I may be overly cynical here, but here’s how it looks to me: oh look! A famished country with inter-fighting – all of these people living in the grips of fear! Let’s go pretend to help them! Let’s go set up a top-notch elite hospital. Just say you accept Jesus as your personal saviour and you too can receive state-of-the-art western treatment! Oh, you’re a Muslim? Sorry…all beds are taken.

When I think of my experiences in Africa in terms of western culture and Christianity, it’s hard to even see the distinction. And I find it disconcerting that traditional African culture and values are seen as inferior to the empty promises of the Church. One of the questions I asked of the families that participated in my project in Uganda was if they feared getting TB. Many people answered along the lines of “it’s God’s plan”. It all just seemed so defeatist to me, like they didn’t believe that they could actually take precautions to protect themselves against disease.

I guess part of me can understand why this sort of belief system would be beneficial. They suffer so much – poverty, famine, AIDS and other illnesses, disempowerment, etc. It’s hard to love life when you are surrounded by so much death and destruction. So I guess the whole “God’s plan” thing lets people believe in an ultimate higher purpose for it all. But I think it also has the potential to extinguish free will, and the desire to fight for life, for love, for democracy, for happiness.

The African spirit is one of courage, laughter, love and an admirable respect for themselves, and for life. I witnessed a woman being beaten by her husband in the field one day. I was crying, and I wanted so badly to jump out of the truck and scream at the asshole, but naturally my companions wouldn’t let me. He was hitting her with a stick. She was probably bleeding. Each time she fell to her knees, she would stand up again and wave her fists at him and scream and yell, and each time he would knock her back down again. Part of me wished she would just lie down and take it so he would stop. But she wasn’t going to let him take her power away like that. I couldn’t help but respect her. I can imagine the conversation I would’ve had if I could’ve talked to that woman afterwards….I guarantee she wouldn’t say “it’s god’s will that he beats me”.

So I sent an e-mail to this organization, thanking them for the offer, but turning it down. I told them I wasn’t a Christian. I told them I was a lesbian. The response: “thank you for your upfront honesty. We really need someone who can be a mentor of Christian values”. I wonder what she meant by that.