i am such a suck

You'll never believe this, but I am watching the Bachelor. It's the season finale, and the guy has to choose between 2 women. One girl gets to go home married and the other one gets to go home broken hearted. I haven't seen any other episodes of this show, yet I am already crying over the poor girl who goes home alone. Why? Because in the end, I always wind up alone too. I dream about the day someone actually loves me. I mean really loves me. Someone who can look me in the eyes and say the words and really mean it. I guess we all want that. To love. To be loved.

I was chatting with someone I really care about tonight, someone who's going through a hard time. A hard time because of love. Cuz she had to go home broken-hearted too. Sometimes when I talk with her, I feel like I'm in a movie, where the main character wakes up to find she is the only one left alive in the world. There's this moment of panic, I run out of the apartment into the street, and realize there's no traffic, no children walking to school, no old ladies walking their dogs. I'm alone. I look up at the sky, looking for any sign of life, any sign of something bigger than me out there. And there's nothing. I don't feel alone, I don't feel deserted, I just feel like I'm missing the bigger picture. I feel like if I just look a little bit harder, or try not to look so hard, or try to view things differently, I would be able to see my life again.

I guess I know that me and her have something special. Our connection is so strong. We can share incredibly painful emotions with each other so easily, so freely. It feels so safe, so comfortable, so amazing to me. But sometimes I get scared, like during our talk today. I know she values what we have, but I also know that she isn't in the same place as me. And when she reminds me of this, I see myself in that empty movie world. And I dread the day when she chooses someone else, and I go home broken hearted.