I need more.

I’m sitting here, naked, wrapped in my orange fleecy blanket, playing Minesweeper, expert level, and listening to Tom Waits. "And I want to know the same thing everyone wants to know…how’s it going to end?". I’ve been sick all day, and I’m bored to tears. I spent the entire day either in bed, in the tub, or on the couch, acutely aware of my shaking knees and the dizziness that ensued with every movement. My internet has been down for a couple of weeks, and today would have been the perfect time to spend an hour on hold with Shaw trying to solve the problem. But did I? No, of course not. Laziness begets laziness. The more bored I became, the more difficult it was to get off my ass and do something about it.

I’m reading "The Way the Crow Flies" and I’ve become completely emotionally involved with this book. At first I was just in love with the main character, Madeleine, an 8-year-old feisty imaginative girl that reminds me so much of myself. It takes place just after the Second World War, and there is a definite element of mystique between the lines of this book. So I have found myself reliving my childhood fantasy of being an international spy. Don’t laugh! This is a true story! The danger, the thrill, the espionage…what more could a curious girl ask for? I think about that time in my life, when I actually believed the world was my oyster, and there was no good reason why I couldn’t be a spy. I remember the love of life I had back then. I think about going back to work tomorrow, writing systematic reviews. Fuck. What has my life come to? Sitting at a desk, my 5th one at this job by the way, staring at a computer, trying to answer questions that I have absolutely no interest in answering. Where’s the danger, the thrill, the espionage? I NEED MORE! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like I need to dress in black, be equipped with 47 guns and glasses that take pictures of things, and travel off to far-away lands to seduce Russians into telling me their secrets. I just need more passion in my work!