I'll keep it short and simple....Shelley lost her keys the other day while we were shopping for my glasses. Her car-starter-alarm-thingy was on her key chain, so naturally and justifiably she was concerned. But, you see, I had a FEELING that they weren't lost. We looked high and low for these keys, but to no avail. I do believe Shelley had just come to the conclusion that they were gone forever. But I still had a FEELING that they weren't lost. Shelley just looked at me and said "you and your feelings". Boy, if I had a dime for every time I heard that line! Well, anyway, coming home last night, I found a big sign on the apt bulletin board "Lost set of keys in manager's office". So, I marched down to the office this morning, and sure enough, there were Shelley's keys! So they weren't lost afterall....the moral of the story is....LISTEN to your FEELINGS! Or at least listen to mine.....:-)
You have no idea how hard it is to type right now....I got a set of knives for Christmas and I cut my finger already. Geez.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
time flies, eh?
Well Christmas is over....survived another one. Phew! Actually, it wasn't too bad this year...there was no drama and I got spoiled rotten, of course. Shelley came to Christmas Eve with my family and we all had a blast...the majority of the jokes revolved around me, but hey, I'm used to that! I made Cosmos all night, so everyone was VERY happy. Tim and Erin hosted their very first Christmas dinner, and it went off without a hitch...Erin very kindly had lots of vegetarian options for me. Unfortunately Shelley couldn't join us, as she was eating roasted beaver with her family. :)
And now I'm on holidays all week! Today is all about spoiling myself....I've got a hair appointment in a few minutes, eyebrow waxing later this afternoon, and an eye appointment in between...I got new glasses from Santa and they are fantabulous! And before you ask again, Darren, yes, I will post a picture! New glasses AND a power suit! Ottawa won't be able to resist me now!
I accidently called Shelley Kristy the other day...that was a very big oops and I felt awful. I was more upset than Shelley was, I think. I don't know what I did right to have such understanding women in my life.
Anyway....gotta run to that hair appointment. I've been having such great hair days lately - I'm almost afraid to mess with it!
And now I'm on holidays all week! Today is all about spoiling myself....I've got a hair appointment in a few minutes, eyebrow waxing later this afternoon, and an eye appointment in between...I got new glasses from Santa and they are fantabulous! And before you ask again, Darren, yes, I will post a picture! New glasses AND a power suit! Ottawa won't be able to resist me now!
I accidently called Shelley Kristy the other day...that was a very big oops and I felt awful. I was more upset than Shelley was, I think. I don't know what I did right to have such understanding women in my life.
Anyway....gotta run to that hair appointment. I've been having such great hair days lately - I'm almost afraid to mess with it!
Thursday, December 23, 2004
imagine me in a power suit...now stop drooling!
Shelley took me shopping for a power suit for my interview last night - I took advantage of the massive sales and purchased myself a snazzy don't-mess-with-me-or-else power suit. I found a couple I liked, but I couldn't rely on Shelley's opinion for anything because she thinks I look good in everything...:-). Anyway, I had it narrowed down to a simple but classic grey suit, and this awesome black one with lime green trim. Of course I went for the lime green/black combo...it is sufficiently professional, with just enough lime green to make it funky. All the girls at work believe this requires a new pair of shoes.....hmmm...more shopping!
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
geez, does it ever end?
I find it rather funny that when good things happen, I tend to jump for joy, gather friends, and go out and celebrate. But everytime I experience a negative emotion, it gets jotted down on this blog...so all you reading this must thing I am a depressive whiny lazy-ass. Which i am not, for the record. :-) It's just that usually this negative stuff is so very temporary, and usually once I sit down at my computer and hammer it all out I feel much better.
And what's the problem this time, you might ask? Well, as of lately, it can only be one thing, the only thing that makes me cry these days - KB. It's solstice today, and I sent her a card. Why? Well because I was thinking of her and missing her. And I feel like an ass for being hurt when I have no right to be hurt. For letting her know how hurt I am when that's the last thing she needs in her happy little love-filled life right now. And for withdrawing what might have been an amazing friendship because my heart hurts too much to see her or hear her voice. She told me she's sore....she's had a crazy onslaught of various injuries. And what's my reaction to that? I feel terrible for her! I sympathize for her! I want to send her something cheerful in the mail so that she can forget the pains in her body for a few minutes. But I was able to just tuck all that away and get on with my day just fine, thank you very much.
And then, mere minutes ago, in a desperate moment of weakness, I looked at her on-line diary. I haven't done that in quite some time - I feel rather intrusive, since we aren't sharing things with each other at the moment. She has answered a survey about 2004. And she mentions me a couple of times. And I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, I don't. It caused me stress to see my name there and I don't know why. But seeing how obviously excited she is about the imminent arrival of her gf hurt like hell. It's amazing that I could be sooooooo disapointed in life and love all because of a couple of months talking to a woman I barely know, a woman I didn't date, a woman "who tried to love me the way I loved her" but simply couldn't.
The thing is, I don't want to date her anymore. I don't trust her heart, her judgements, her actions. I'm sure that will change - she is a remarkable woman, definitely worthy of trust. I just need time, I guess. Obviously, I would never want to be with someone who didn't feel love for me, but I still sometimes have moments where I wish she did feel for me.
I thought I knew! I thought we would have a lifetime together! I really did! Maybe those instincts were right....maybe we ARE meant to have a lifetime together - as friends - through all of the suprises life brings. The thought of that makes me quite happy...because I miss talking to her. But I don't know how to get there....it still hurts. I would like to be able to share her excitement about her girl, listen to her talk about her and be happy and supportive, but I can't!
I should really just give up on it all and move to the desert. I like it there.
And what's the problem this time, you might ask? Well, as of lately, it can only be one thing, the only thing that makes me cry these days - KB. It's solstice today, and I sent her a card. Why? Well because I was thinking of her and missing her. And I feel like an ass for being hurt when I have no right to be hurt. For letting her know how hurt I am when that's the last thing she needs in her happy little love-filled life right now. And for withdrawing what might have been an amazing friendship because my heart hurts too much to see her or hear her voice. She told me she's sore....she's had a crazy onslaught of various injuries. And what's my reaction to that? I feel terrible for her! I sympathize for her! I want to send her something cheerful in the mail so that she can forget the pains in her body for a few minutes. But I was able to just tuck all that away and get on with my day just fine, thank you very much.
And then, mere minutes ago, in a desperate moment of weakness, I looked at her on-line diary. I haven't done that in quite some time - I feel rather intrusive, since we aren't sharing things with each other at the moment. She has answered a survey about 2004. And she mentions me a couple of times. And I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, I don't. It caused me stress to see my name there and I don't know why. But seeing how obviously excited she is about the imminent arrival of her gf hurt like hell. It's amazing that I could be sooooooo disapointed in life and love all because of a couple of months talking to a woman I barely know, a woman I didn't date, a woman "who tried to love me the way I loved her" but simply couldn't.
The thing is, I don't want to date her anymore. I don't trust her heart, her judgements, her actions. I'm sure that will change - she is a remarkable woman, definitely worthy of trust. I just need time, I guess. Obviously, I would never want to be with someone who didn't feel love for me, but I still sometimes have moments where I wish she did feel for me.
I thought I knew! I thought we would have a lifetime together! I really did! Maybe those instincts were right....maybe we ARE meant to have a lifetime together - as friends - through all of the suprises life brings. The thought of that makes me quite happy...because I miss talking to her. But I don't know how to get there....it still hurts. I would like to be able to share her excitement about her girl, listen to her talk about her and be happy and supportive, but I can't!
I should really just give up on it all and move to the desert. I like it there.
arguing with homophobes: i love my dreams
Last Thursday I went to a lecture called "How to argue with homophobes: feminist advice for troubled times". It was an enlightening experience, largely because I found some kindred spirits who feel the same way I do about some things, namely, same-sex marriage. You see, I have come to the conclusion that I don't really agree with the concept of marriage in general (this is not to say I will never get married, well, married according to my own definition of marriage anyway). I just happen to believe that the "institute" of marriage has changed so significantly over the last few decades, as has the whole family concept - this is not just because of changing patterns in religious thought/belief/practice, but because of changing economies and job markets, a higher-mobility society, different family dynamics, etc. I mean everyone knows that marriages are failing left, right and center. We have large numbers of single-parent families, unstable family/home situations/etc. The point I'm trying to get to is that there are alternative ways to live as a couple or as a family. However, because I am gay, I feel I HAVE to fight for same-sex marriage - to actually say to the straight world that I don't agree with marriage as a concept would only be co-opted by the enemy - you know what I mean.
The other interesting thing about this lecture was the concensus that we might be fighting the wrong battle when it comes to same-sex marriage. It's not necessarily the right to marry that we should be concerned about, it is actually being considered "persons" under the law. And, if you look at our history, it was not all that long ago when women were finally considered persons. So I suspect that us gay people are a long way from being considered people.
I've been thinking about this. When I look at myself and my circle of friends and how we process these issues, we tend to focus on the concrete things that affect us as individuals, or as part of a homosexual couple. This makes sense - we want to marry the person we love, but we can't. We want to share benefits (and we can now, to an extent). We want to be welcomed home for Christmas without being judged. We want to hold our partner's hand in public without fear of the consequences. It takes a certain process of thought to tie it all together to fight the war to get us recognized in the constitution. But I suppose it's these little battles, like same-sex marriage, that will get us there.
Anyway, of course there was a small discussion around the whole purpose of marriage being to procreate. Why no one ever talks about infertile straight couples, or couples that choose not to have children, or people who marry too old to have children, is beyond me - their marriages are still legitimate. But whatever. This conversation carried over into a dream I had the other night:
I was a nun in training. Me and the other trainees were told that we had one final test to perform to prove our devotion to God - we had to procreate (I understand that this is completely all wrong, but hey, it's a dream). I was SO angry that to go through this. I couldn't understand how it would prove anything. But, I went along with it. Us nuns were paraded into a room and we were each given a white poker chip. Then they shuffled in a bunch of men. We got to choose which one we procreated with by offering our poker to chip to whomever we fancied. Well, there was one man who was actually a woman pretending to be a man. Of course I picked up on this right away and offered her my poker chip. Then we got down to business. When the other nuns realized what had happened, I was whisked away to a small, solitary cell to recover from what they consider a very traumatizing experiencing. I was crying, not because of the trauma, but because I was upset they took me away from her. They mistook my tears for pain and fear, and excused me from the procreation excercise. I was elated.
The other interesting thing about this lecture was the concensus that we might be fighting the wrong battle when it comes to same-sex marriage. It's not necessarily the right to marry that we should be concerned about, it is actually being considered "persons" under the law. And, if you look at our history, it was not all that long ago when women were finally considered persons. So I suspect that us gay people are a long way from being considered people.
I've been thinking about this. When I look at myself and my circle of friends and how we process these issues, we tend to focus on the concrete things that affect us as individuals, or as part of a homosexual couple. This makes sense - we want to marry the person we love, but we can't. We want to share benefits (and we can now, to an extent). We want to be welcomed home for Christmas without being judged. We want to hold our partner's hand in public without fear of the consequences. It takes a certain process of thought to tie it all together to fight the war to get us recognized in the constitution. But I suppose it's these little battles, like same-sex marriage, that will get us there.
Anyway, of course there was a small discussion around the whole purpose of marriage being to procreate. Why no one ever talks about infertile straight couples, or couples that choose not to have children, or people who marry too old to have children, is beyond me - their marriages are still legitimate. But whatever. This conversation carried over into a dream I had the other night:
I was a nun in training. Me and the other trainees were told that we had one final test to perform to prove our devotion to God - we had to procreate (I understand that this is completely all wrong, but hey, it's a dream). I was SO angry that to go through this. I couldn't understand how it would prove anything. But, I went along with it. Us nuns were paraded into a room and we were each given a white poker chip. Then they shuffled in a bunch of men. We got to choose which one we procreated with by offering our poker to chip to whomever we fancied. Well, there was one man who was actually a woman pretending to be a man. Of course I picked up on this right away and offered her my poker chip. Then we got down to business. When the other nuns realized what had happened, I was whisked away to a small, solitary cell to recover from what they consider a very traumatizing experiencing. I was crying, not because of the trauma, but because I was upset they took me away from her. They mistook my tears for pain and fear, and excused me from the procreation excercise. I was elated.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
pissed off at "The Onion"
I started writing this entry pissed off at The Onion for satirizing genocide, but as I started summarizing the points they made, they kind of highlight the issues nicely: oil, ethnicity, the UN, etc. And while I certainly don't think genocide is a laughing matter, and they crossed the line by having a photo of a billboard advertising the "official machete" of the genocide, they did a good job getting their point across.
You can read it at http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4050
An article on The Onion this week jokes about Nigeria being host to the "2008 Genocides". The whole point of the article is to point out how ethnic strife is on the rise in Nigeria (Christians vs Muslims), all because of, you guessed it, oil, compounded by a dependence on food imports, a volatile economy, and the recent dodgy elections. And of course the recent polio outbreak doesn't help matters either. They discuss how Rwanda is a much better choice than Tajikistan (cuz that conflict may or may not continue) and Iraq ( cuz there may not be an Iraq by 2008). Combine all this with the predictable UN response: "the slow-to-move, ineffectual UN will do everything it can to help shepherd Nigeria into a combined religious, political, and economic disaster of horrific proportions", nd you have a national crisis on your hands.
And, of course, Nigeria will dig its own grave by "defaulting on our $2 billion IMF loan, investing the entire treasury in the overhead-heavy petroleum business, and turning a blind eye to regional guerrilla groups. That'd be a good start. After that, food shipments must fall into rebel hands, armed forces must go unpaid, and the emerging national infrastructure must be allowed to deteriorate." And although the "West" has traditionally turned a blind eye to such ethnic conficts (they occur in a different time zone, you see), this genocide will be difference because there's OIL at stake.
You can read it at http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4050
An article on The Onion this week jokes about Nigeria being host to the "2008 Genocides". The whole point of the article is to point out how ethnic strife is on the rise in Nigeria (Christians vs Muslims), all because of, you guessed it, oil, compounded by a dependence on food imports, a volatile economy, and the recent dodgy elections. And of course the recent polio outbreak doesn't help matters either. They discuss how Rwanda is a much better choice than Tajikistan (cuz that conflict may or may not continue) and Iraq ( cuz there may not be an Iraq by 2008). Combine all this with the predictable UN response: "the slow-to-move, ineffectual UN will do everything it can to help shepherd Nigeria into a combined religious, political, and economic disaster of horrific proportions", nd you have a national crisis on your hands.
And, of course, Nigeria will dig its own grave by "defaulting on our $2 billion IMF loan, investing the entire treasury in the overhead-heavy petroleum business, and turning a blind eye to regional guerrilla groups. That'd be a good start. After that, food shipments must fall into rebel hands, armed forces must go unpaid, and the emerging national infrastructure must be allowed to deteriorate." And although the "West" has traditionally turned a blind eye to such ethnic conficts (they occur in a different time zone, you see), this genocide will be difference because there's OIL at stake.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
i saw a shooting star last night
It seems to me that I have been blessed lately. I like it when good things happen in waves. Last night I was dogsitting for a friend at work. I took Keeta to a dog park, and the two of us played in the snow for an hour. It was such a beautiful night, the sky was clear, the air was crisp. I felt good. It made me intensely joyful to watch Keeta run, her tail wagging, her cute little feet making cute little footprints in the snow. Every once in awhile she would run up to me and nestle against my legs, and look up at me with her big sparkling brown eyes, one ear straight up, the other one flopped down. I whistled Christmas tunes, and spend an unusual amount of time staring up at the stars. While I was contemplating the events of the last couple of weeks I saw a shooting star. And I knew everything was going to be okay. Oh my god I'm a sap. :-)
Monday, December 13, 2004
making progress
Well, I had a damn good weekend, thanks to my wonderful friends who kept my body busy and my mind occupied. I managed to muster the courage to delete her photos off of my computer, cancel my long distance phone plan, erase her last message off of my phone...you know, the purge stage. I just don't want reminders of her around, because I miss her and I feel like an idiot. But whatever. What can I do? I said something nasty about her Friday night (not even all that nasty, I think I called her a heartbreaker or something like that) and Vickie put her stern motherly face on and said, "Michelle, don't be like that, you know she's a nice girl". Which is true, she is, so I have been nice to her in my head ever since. But I'm still pissed off. ;-)
Friday night the whole group of us went to shinny....we had a BLAST. There were only like 14 of us, so there was a lot of icetime for each of us. I find shinny a great place to learn, the girls who go are patient with us beginner-types and I love it. Plus, I played on the opposite side as all my friends, so we got to knock each other around....life doesn't get much better than that! And of course we went out for wings and beer (well, actually, I had spinach dip and iced tea but who's counting).
I dragged some friends to the Butterdome Craft Sale with me....it was funny seeing Shelley there...her friends made fun of her too...such a butch girl at such a girly place! But she bought a few things, so I guess her image is all shot to hell now! And I ran into Janet there....always nice to see her....always hear the same things...Gunnar's good, the house isn't done yet....one day soon that girl will have something new to report! And then we went on a bit of a shopping spree at Value Village....50% off sale! I got a great pair of cords and a funky 1970s polyester shirt and a few other things....nice!
Sunday was lazy, lazy, lazy and I loved it. Plus I had shrimp creole for lunch (Da De O's rocks). To top it all off, I had a great hair weekend....things are looking up!
Oh, and mom is all in the holiday spirit....she wants to take me for lunch and a movie between xmas and New Year's. I don't understand this woman, but whatever! I think we'll go see Spanglish.....and of course I'm she Kristy's going to go see it with her gf once she arrives in Alberta. Damn women.
Friday night the whole group of us went to shinny....we had a BLAST. There were only like 14 of us, so there was a lot of icetime for each of us. I find shinny a great place to learn, the girls who go are patient with us beginner-types and I love it. Plus, I played on the opposite side as all my friends, so we got to knock each other around....life doesn't get much better than that! And of course we went out for wings and beer (well, actually, I had spinach dip and iced tea but who's counting).
I dragged some friends to the Butterdome Craft Sale with me....it was funny seeing Shelley there...her friends made fun of her too...such a butch girl at such a girly place! But she bought a few things, so I guess her image is all shot to hell now! And I ran into Janet there....always nice to see her....always hear the same things...Gunnar's good, the house isn't done yet....one day soon that girl will have something new to report! And then we went on a bit of a shopping spree at Value Village....50% off sale! I got a great pair of cords and a funky 1970s polyester shirt and a few other things....nice!
Sunday was lazy, lazy, lazy and I loved it. Plus I had shrimp creole for lunch (Da De O's rocks). To top it all off, I had a great hair weekend....things are looking up!
Oh, and mom is all in the holiday spirit....she wants to take me for lunch and a movie between xmas and New Year's. I don't understand this woman, but whatever! I think we'll go see Spanglish.....and of course I'm she Kristy's going to go see it with her gf once she arrives in Alberta. Damn women.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
serendipity
I want to write, but I don't know where to start! It's amazing how much life can change in 24 hours. I know that everything happens exactly the way it should, but it would sure be nice to be given the master plan ahead of time....na, I don't really mean that. There's some fun in the mystery.
Anyway, I need to get out all the hurt, pain, and anger in regards to K. But it's not what I want to write about. I miss her, that's a strong feeling. I'm hurt and disappointed....those feelings are constant, underneath everything I do these days. And I'm angry. It's funny, what angers me the most is knowing that as we were having our last chat a couple of days ago, she was relaying the whole thing to her gf. You see, it was soooooo painful for me to read the words she was typing to me. So hard, I had to let go of so much hope, and all she could do was describe what she thinks as my inappropriate reactions to her. I wonder if she even understands how I was/am feeling. If she did, she would have respected me a bit more and at least kept MY feelings private. This is why it is so hard sharing intimate parts of yourself....the people you share with get intimate with others and share YOUR secrets. I felt things with her that I've never felt before....so much about her was a new experience for me, so I had a whole hell of a lot more than just her to let go of. I have the sense that things are not over between us...I don't trust her....I don't want to date her....not anymore, at least....but I think we will find a friendship or something further down the road. When I'm not so angry! And when she's got her poop in a proverbial group as well.
Anyway....the day after my heart broke into a million pieces, I got a bunch of great news. I couldn't stop smiling all day, because although one dream was ending, another one was starting to come true! You know things are "meant to be" when all the pieces fall into place without any effort at all. First....our office manager stops me in the hallway to tell me that HR discovered that they hadn't been paying me vacation pay since February, and that $1000 was owed to me....nice Christmas present, eh? An hour or two later, I get a phone call from the Field Epi office in Ottawa....they called to let me know that I GOT AN INTERVIEW!!!!!! I had to write a big, crazy exam to get this interview, and apparently I did really well on it! I stared my MSc with the plans of doing this training program afterwards....I was literally doing cartwheels down the hallway at work when I found out I got the interview. I'm STILL all excited about it. And then , the next day, they emailed me to tell me they were paying for my flight, hotel, and taxi. Sweet!!!!
So that's my news....the interview is Jan 10, and I have a few days off after Christmas, so I can study, study, study! I have the very first interiew spot, so I'm a bit stressed about that....I feel like I have to set a good standard...and I probably will... ;-)
If I get this position, it almost definitely means a move out of the province....I have mixed emotions about that. I love Edmonton, my friends, hockey, all that jazz....but the thought of learning a new city and meeting new people totally energizes me! I can't wait to see how this all works out in the end.....
Anyway, I need to get out all the hurt, pain, and anger in regards to K. But it's not what I want to write about. I miss her, that's a strong feeling. I'm hurt and disappointed....those feelings are constant, underneath everything I do these days. And I'm angry. It's funny, what angers me the most is knowing that as we were having our last chat a couple of days ago, she was relaying the whole thing to her gf. You see, it was soooooo painful for me to read the words she was typing to me. So hard, I had to let go of so much hope, and all she could do was describe what she thinks as my inappropriate reactions to her. I wonder if she even understands how I was/am feeling. If she did, she would have respected me a bit more and at least kept MY feelings private. This is why it is so hard sharing intimate parts of yourself....the people you share with get intimate with others and share YOUR secrets. I felt things with her that I've never felt before....so much about her was a new experience for me, so I had a whole hell of a lot more than just her to let go of. I have the sense that things are not over between us...I don't trust her....I don't want to date her....not anymore, at least....but I think we will find a friendship or something further down the road. When I'm not so angry! And when she's got her poop in a proverbial group as well.
Anyway....the day after my heart broke into a million pieces, I got a bunch of great news. I couldn't stop smiling all day, because although one dream was ending, another one was starting to come true! You know things are "meant to be" when all the pieces fall into place without any effort at all. First....our office manager stops me in the hallway to tell me that HR discovered that they hadn't been paying me vacation pay since February, and that $1000 was owed to me....nice Christmas present, eh? An hour or two later, I get a phone call from the Field Epi office in Ottawa....they called to let me know that I GOT AN INTERVIEW!!!!!! I had to write a big, crazy exam to get this interview, and apparently I did really well on it! I stared my MSc with the plans of doing this training program afterwards....I was literally doing cartwheels down the hallway at work when I found out I got the interview. I'm STILL all excited about it. And then , the next day, they emailed me to tell me they were paying for my flight, hotel, and taxi. Sweet!!!!
So that's my news....the interview is Jan 10, and I have a few days off after Christmas, so I can study, study, study! I have the very first interiew spot, so I'm a bit stressed about that....I feel like I have to set a good standard...and I probably will... ;-)
If I get this position, it almost definitely means a move out of the province....I have mixed emotions about that. I love Edmonton, my friends, hockey, all that jazz....but the thought of learning a new city and meeting new people totally energizes me! I can't wait to see how this all works out in the end.....
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Eavesdropping
On coffee break this morning I overheard part of a conversation between a well-dressed, affluent woman and a scruffy man with an accent. She said to him, “Think of your life six months from now, a year from now. Now think of her with you at that time. How does it feel? How would it feel to not have her in your life? That’s how you know what to do”. The man responded with silence, his head hanging low.
When in doubt, listen to the wise ones
Here is a quote that I just read on Darren's blog. I find it particularly relevant at the moment:
Truth is a pathless land. Man cannot come to it through any organization, through any creed, through any dogma, priest or ritual, nor through any philosophical knowledge or psychological technique. He has to find it through the mirror of relationship, through the understanding of the contents of his own mind, through observation and not through intellectual analysis or introspective dissection.-- J. Krishnamurti
Words of the wise to Michelle, pay attention you silly girl: stop looking outside of yourself for the answers, stop talking about looking inward and actually do it, and stop overanalyzing everything. Methinks sometimes things ARE as simple as they seem.
Monday, December 06, 2004
truth = justification = absolution? I don't think so!
I planned to go to a movie last night. I like doing this - I like getting lost in the lives of fictional people for a few hours. And I like doing this alone. There is a certain kind of comfortable solitude that can only be found in the anonymous company of a movie theater. However, a friend from work ended up coming with me, and her insights into the movie definitely overpowered the benefits of going alone.
Anyway, we saw Closer. What a nasty-assed movie! I mean I loved it, but my god brutal honestly is hard to swallow sometimes. I guess we all like to think we are nice people capable of real love, but geez, it's not as easy as the movies usually make it out to be. What you have in this movie are four extremely flawed, emotionally dysfunctional, fatally human characters. Throughout the film we watch them interact with each other as they struggle with love, partnership, infidelity, self-worth and self-definition. It's just nasty. Anyone who's honest with themselves will see parts of themselves in these characters. This movie was just full of irony - a total delight for the film buff! At one point, one of the character expects forgiveness for admitting the truth about his infidelity. My friend asked "Since when does truth equal justification?" Excellent question.
Of all the things from this movie, this is what I've thought about the most. We (or at least I) tend to place a huge amount of importance on truth telling, honesty, openness. I've always believed that there are also some things that are better left unsaid, not in the name of deceit or secret-keeping or dishonesty, but because sometimes there is truth in silence. Sometimes silence can say more than words ever can. You know those moments of intense connection that occur in silence? Well, that's a certain kind of communication that transends vocabulary. I love you can mean anything, but that feeling you get lying in the arms of the one you love speaks the true meaning of those words.
But yet there is sometimes something rather manipulative in honesty. Well, not in honesty itself, but in the way it is used. The way you can make a stupid mistake, but then assume that being honest about making it gets you off the hook. Or the way your words say one thing, but you actions say another, and at the end of it all you save yourself by saying "I've always been honest with you, blah, blah, blah, I've always TOLD you how I felt." Honest words do not justify dishonest actions.
You know how sometimes you feel like you've been misled, deceived, lied to, yet you know that the person in question has been honest with you? Well I think this explains some of that. There is so much communication that goes on beneath the words....I'm talking about body language, energy, the whole eyes-are-the-windows-to-the-soul thing. There is choice in words, there's not necessarily choice in those other things. And because of that we place more importance on that verbal communication. It's more concrete, it's more conscious. But it's not necessarily truth!
But whatever...that was a whole lot of nonsense...
On another note.....I want to be a photographer. I keep coming back to this idea, and I know that it's something I need to pursue. So, as soon as I finish my fucking pain-in-the-ass thesis, I think I'm going to look into night photography school. I don't want to do baby portraits or weddings necessarily, but rather artsy stuff as a hobby. I've got all these great ideas in my head, but don't really understand the technology enought to make it happen. :)
Anyway, we saw Closer. What a nasty-assed movie! I mean I loved it, but my god brutal honestly is hard to swallow sometimes. I guess we all like to think we are nice people capable of real love, but geez, it's not as easy as the movies usually make it out to be. What you have in this movie are four extremely flawed, emotionally dysfunctional, fatally human characters. Throughout the film we watch them interact with each other as they struggle with love, partnership, infidelity, self-worth and self-definition. It's just nasty. Anyone who's honest with themselves will see parts of themselves in these characters. This movie was just full of irony - a total delight for the film buff! At one point, one of the character expects forgiveness for admitting the truth about his infidelity. My friend asked "Since when does truth equal justification?" Excellent question.
Of all the things from this movie, this is what I've thought about the most. We (or at least I) tend to place a huge amount of importance on truth telling, honesty, openness. I've always believed that there are also some things that are better left unsaid, not in the name of deceit or secret-keeping or dishonesty, but because sometimes there is truth in silence. Sometimes silence can say more than words ever can. You know those moments of intense connection that occur in silence? Well, that's a certain kind of communication that transends vocabulary. I love you can mean anything, but that feeling you get lying in the arms of the one you love speaks the true meaning of those words.
But yet there is sometimes something rather manipulative in honesty. Well, not in honesty itself, but in the way it is used. The way you can make a stupid mistake, but then assume that being honest about making it gets you off the hook. Or the way your words say one thing, but you actions say another, and at the end of it all you save yourself by saying "I've always been honest with you, blah, blah, blah, I've always TOLD you how I felt." Honest words do not justify dishonest actions.
You know how sometimes you feel like you've been misled, deceived, lied to, yet you know that the person in question has been honest with you? Well I think this explains some of that. There is so much communication that goes on beneath the words....I'm talking about body language, energy, the whole eyes-are-the-windows-to-the-soul thing. There is choice in words, there's not necessarily choice in those other things. And because of that we place more importance on that verbal communication. It's more concrete, it's more conscious. But it's not necessarily truth!
But whatever...that was a whole lot of nonsense...
On another note.....I want to be a photographer. I keep coming back to this idea, and I know that it's something I need to pursue. So, as soon as I finish my fucking pain-in-the-ass thesis, I think I'm going to look into night photography school. I don't want to do baby portraits or weddings necessarily, but rather artsy stuff as a hobby. I've got all these great ideas in my head, but don't really understand the technology enought to make it happen. :)
que sera sera
Ok. So I’m in a pickle. Well la-di-da. We all get into uncomfortable situations at one time or another. Although I would love to just go hide under a rock and evade reality for the rest of my life, I realize that this is going to get me nowhere. And as easy as wallowing in self pity may be, I have decided that enough is enough. I am generally positive by nature, so positive is what I will be. Being negative and assuming the worst is going to get me nowhere. So, I’m saying enough. I will be happy, dammit! I need a new outlook on my life, that’s all. I’m healthy, I’ve got great friends, I have everything I really need, so suck it up princess!
If I look at this from a logical perspective (and, yes, I am capable of logic every once in awhile) this is what I see: 2 issues are weighing me down – my heart and my job. If I look at my job situation, it really isn’t all that bad. Yes, I hate it. Yes, I deserve better. Yes, I am bored to death. But I am taking steps in the right direction. I’m looking, I’m applying for things, I’m seeking out the opportunities. And something is going to come up soon. I’m not worried about that, I never was. It’s just a matter of finding a way to be content in the meantime. And I’ve been making progress with that too. I’m taking on a couple of new projects which at least keeps my mind occupied. Keeping busy at work is definitely key right now.
My heart, however, may be a completely different matter. It’s very difficult to rationalize matters of the heart. I’m in love with someone who doesn’t want me. Logic would dictate that I should just give it up and move on. However, as much as I have tried over the past couple of weeks to turn those feelings off, I have not been successful. Not at all. I have managed to get angry, but that’s it. What angers me the most is how I have been acting as of late. Feelings of rejection, feelings of jealousy, feelings of inadequacy have plagued me. I know better than to take rejection personally, I know that there is no reason to feel jealous and there’s certainly no reason to feel inadequate. And yet I do. I feel these things.
I’ve been talking to a friend about these feelings, and I know the advice she has for me is true: she reminds me that I need to reconnect to myself (I’ve been saying that all along, haven’t I?). She says the answers are all available to me, I just have to be open to receiving them. She’s told me to meditate. And of course I know she’s right. And she keeps asking me what I’m afraid of, what exactly is holding me back from reconnecting. Because she sees reluctance in me, reluctance to face the truth. And again, she’s right. S, you are a wise woman.
I wonder what I really am afraid of. I still think this is a trust issue. I don’t trust myself. There is no sense reconnecting and looking inward if I’m not going to trust what I find. I’m not feeling safe in my heart right now, so why would I be inclined to go deeper within myself? I know all I need to do is just suck it up, take the plunge, and decide to do it. I know it’s as easy as that. You know, this is how I learned to swim as a kid – I got thrown off the end of the pier into the lake, and surprise, surprise, my body just knew what to do to keep me afloat. So I know that if I hurl myself off of my superficial safe haven into the ocean of Michelle, I will know how to keep myself afloat there too. But whatever.
I just had a great weekend with someone, someone who really cares about me and is wise beyond her years. Someone who’s free, available, and wants to be with me. But I don’t have with her what I have with my “emotional soul mate”. But there’s no denying that there is some kind of spark between us. Is it sexual? Is it merely lust? Is it something to fill the void that my soul mate has left in me? Is it real?
How do I deal with this and be fair to everyone involved? I can’t be with one woman if my heart is with another woman. But I don’t want to spend my life loving someone who can’t return it. And it feels so good to be with S. But is that real? My instinct is to try to hold out a little longer for my love, find the strength to love quietly, be her friend, and be patient for a while longer. I don’t feel our journey together is over yet. But is this a real instinct or a reluctance to let go?
My favourite poet, Rumi, has described love in this way:
“The power of love came into me, and I became fierce like a lion, then tender like the evening stars”.
So I think it’s time for me to let the lion sleep and become like the evening stars, shining brightly, but gently, and from a distance, letting her know that I’m here, watching over her, but not interfering.
I’m on hiatus from my soul mate for awhile. I need to get these insane feelings under control before they destroy me or her and our connection. I need to go on a hiatus from S as well. I need to be on my own, free from influence. So I guess that’s what I’m going to do. Avoid any situation that could possibly turn romantic. And then just sit tight for awhile. What’s meant to happen will happen, whatever will be, will be. I just gotta find a way to be patient. Like, that’s such an unfair thing to ask of an Aries. Oh well.
Rumi also said “Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” That’s a nice thought, isn’t it?
If I look at this from a logical perspective (and, yes, I am capable of logic every once in awhile) this is what I see: 2 issues are weighing me down – my heart and my job. If I look at my job situation, it really isn’t all that bad. Yes, I hate it. Yes, I deserve better. Yes, I am bored to death. But I am taking steps in the right direction. I’m looking, I’m applying for things, I’m seeking out the opportunities. And something is going to come up soon. I’m not worried about that, I never was. It’s just a matter of finding a way to be content in the meantime. And I’ve been making progress with that too. I’m taking on a couple of new projects which at least keeps my mind occupied. Keeping busy at work is definitely key right now.
My heart, however, may be a completely different matter. It’s very difficult to rationalize matters of the heart. I’m in love with someone who doesn’t want me. Logic would dictate that I should just give it up and move on. However, as much as I have tried over the past couple of weeks to turn those feelings off, I have not been successful. Not at all. I have managed to get angry, but that’s it. What angers me the most is how I have been acting as of late. Feelings of rejection, feelings of jealousy, feelings of inadequacy have plagued me. I know better than to take rejection personally, I know that there is no reason to feel jealous and there’s certainly no reason to feel inadequate. And yet I do. I feel these things.
I’ve been talking to a friend about these feelings, and I know the advice she has for me is true: she reminds me that I need to reconnect to myself (I’ve been saying that all along, haven’t I?). She says the answers are all available to me, I just have to be open to receiving them. She’s told me to meditate. And of course I know she’s right. And she keeps asking me what I’m afraid of, what exactly is holding me back from reconnecting. Because she sees reluctance in me, reluctance to face the truth. And again, she’s right. S, you are a wise woman.
I wonder what I really am afraid of. I still think this is a trust issue. I don’t trust myself. There is no sense reconnecting and looking inward if I’m not going to trust what I find. I’m not feeling safe in my heart right now, so why would I be inclined to go deeper within myself? I know all I need to do is just suck it up, take the plunge, and decide to do it. I know it’s as easy as that. You know, this is how I learned to swim as a kid – I got thrown off the end of the pier into the lake, and surprise, surprise, my body just knew what to do to keep me afloat. So I know that if I hurl myself off of my superficial safe haven into the ocean of Michelle, I will know how to keep myself afloat there too. But whatever.
I just had a great weekend with someone, someone who really cares about me and is wise beyond her years. Someone who’s free, available, and wants to be with me. But I don’t have with her what I have with my “emotional soul mate”. But there’s no denying that there is some kind of spark between us. Is it sexual? Is it merely lust? Is it something to fill the void that my soul mate has left in me? Is it real?
How do I deal with this and be fair to everyone involved? I can’t be with one woman if my heart is with another woman. But I don’t want to spend my life loving someone who can’t return it. And it feels so good to be with S. But is that real? My instinct is to try to hold out a little longer for my love, find the strength to love quietly, be her friend, and be patient for a while longer. I don’t feel our journey together is over yet. But is this a real instinct or a reluctance to let go?
My favourite poet, Rumi, has described love in this way:
“The power of love came into me, and I became fierce like a lion, then tender like the evening stars”.
So I think it’s time for me to let the lion sleep and become like the evening stars, shining brightly, but gently, and from a distance, letting her know that I’m here, watching over her, but not interfering.
I’m on hiatus from my soul mate for awhile. I need to get these insane feelings under control before they destroy me or her and our connection. I need to go on a hiatus from S as well. I need to be on my own, free from influence. So I guess that’s what I’m going to do. Avoid any situation that could possibly turn romantic. And then just sit tight for awhile. What’s meant to happen will happen, whatever will be, will be. I just gotta find a way to be patient. Like, that’s such an unfair thing to ask of an Aries. Oh well.
Rumi also said “Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” That’s a nice thought, isn’t it?
Sunday, December 05, 2004
I had a GREAT time with the girls last night. There was so much food, so much fun, so much laughter - and lots of making fun of the L Word. Mmmm Shane.
But anyway, I'm too distracted to talk about the good stuff, naturally I need to dwell on the bad. I just had a fantastic day with someone...one of those great, lazy Sundays in front of the TV. I felt relaxed and rejuvinated. And then I turned on the computer to check my email. And because I am silly, I looked at "her" (why is it I'm afraid to type her name?) profile on the internet. And for some reason I was bothered because she changed her picture. She has one of my favourite pictures on there now - she has told me that it was taken on a very sad day, and when you click on the picture to see it a bit bigger, you can definitely see that she is sad. Makes me wonder why this is the version of herself she wants to portray to the world. So note to self - no more looking at her profile. It's only a constant reminder that she still hasn't found what she's looking for.
But whatever. I don't want to think about it, or her, anymore. I made a mistake by responding to her in the first place. I was seconds away from deleting my profile when she messaged me. I should've just ignored her and deleted my profile. I shouldn't have talked to her on the phone, I shouldn't have met her, I shouldn't have allowed myself the connection we had. And now I feel awful even typing those words, because of course I don't really wish any of these things.
I thought we had something, I really did. It was so tremendously hard for me to share some of the things I shared with her. And I imagine that she's sharing so much of what she shared with me with all these other women she has met on the internet. For some reason I feel betrayed, I feel misled, I feel used, and so very, very exposed. Which I know is silly, because she has done none of these things. She never would. So then why do I feel this way?
But anyway, I'm too distracted to talk about the good stuff, naturally I need to dwell on the bad. I just had a fantastic day with someone...one of those great, lazy Sundays in front of the TV. I felt relaxed and rejuvinated. And then I turned on the computer to check my email. And because I am silly, I looked at "her" (why is it I'm afraid to type her name?) profile on the internet. And for some reason I was bothered because she changed her picture. She has one of my favourite pictures on there now - she has told me that it was taken on a very sad day, and when you click on the picture to see it a bit bigger, you can definitely see that she is sad. Makes me wonder why this is the version of herself she wants to portray to the world. So note to self - no more looking at her profile. It's only a constant reminder that she still hasn't found what she's looking for.
But whatever. I don't want to think about it, or her, anymore. I made a mistake by responding to her in the first place. I was seconds away from deleting my profile when she messaged me. I should've just ignored her and deleted my profile. I shouldn't have talked to her on the phone, I shouldn't have met her, I shouldn't have allowed myself the connection we had. And now I feel awful even typing those words, because of course I don't really wish any of these things.
I thought we had something, I really did. It was so tremendously hard for me to share some of the things I shared with her. And I imagine that she's sharing so much of what she shared with me with all these other women she has met on the internet. For some reason I feel betrayed, I feel misled, I feel used, and so very, very exposed. Which I know is silly, because she has done none of these things. She never would. So then why do I feel this way?
Saturday, December 04, 2004
I need a new strategy
I just said goodbye to her tonight. She thinks it's a temporary thing, and I hope she's right. The thing is it hurts to talk to her. It hurts not to talk to her. It just hurts all the time. I don't feel the connection with her anymore, although I know it's still there, I can feel it in quiet times. We haven't really talked in awhile, and I'm feeling so cautious with my heart that this really doesn't suprise me. Plus, it's hard to feel connected to another person when I'm not connected to myself. I feel like I'm falling down into a canyon or something. I keep trying to grasp at anything along the way to stop me from crashing to the ground. My whole world is just spinning around me. But it's not out of control. I don't feel like I lack control. I just feel like things are moving faster than what's comfortable for me. I feel like I need to make decisions that I'm not ready to make.
I feel this not only in regards to her, but in regards to my career, where I want to live, what I want for my life. I feel soooooo conflicted. There are days when I think I should just join the foreign service and devote my life to living overseas - relationshipless, childless, familyless. And other times the thought of such a life fills me with sadness because I envision being married and having a family, and this makes me joyful. And although I know I don't have to make any kind of decision about any of this right now, I feel like I need to. I have always lived more by the seat of my pants. I've always had goals for the future and things that I've wanted to do in my life, but opportunities have always come to me, seemingly right out of the blue, and I have pursued them, and they have proved to be tremendously meaningful to me. So why I can't continue with this strategy now?
I HATE not knowing what's going to happen to me. I don't like looking into my future and seeing nothing but a blank slate. I've always been able to look into the year ahead and say, oh, I'll be in school, or I'll be in Africa, or I'll be at the lab, or I'll be with so-and-so. When I look at this time next year, I can't tell you where I'll be working, where I'll be living, who I'll be with, or if I'll be with anyone at all. I know that no one ever really knows what the future holds, but usually you can know with a small degree of certainty what at least part of your life will look like.
Don't get me wrong, part of me is totally excited to find out what is going to happen to me....if the pattern of my life continues, then it's sure to be fantastic. But what if it's not? What if nothing works out for me - what if she doesn't turn out to love me, what if I don't get a job I like, what if I'm still stagnant in the future like I am now? That would be the worst outcome of all, to still be in the same place I'm in now. Stuck.
Anyway, I don't even know why I went on this tangent. The girls will be here any minute. I need to put on a happy face and not think about her. Gotta get her outta my head, outta my heart. At least for now. It just doesn't make sense to me. But whatever.
I feel this not only in regards to her, but in regards to my career, where I want to live, what I want for my life. I feel soooooo conflicted. There are days when I think I should just join the foreign service and devote my life to living overseas - relationshipless, childless, familyless. And other times the thought of such a life fills me with sadness because I envision being married and having a family, and this makes me joyful. And although I know I don't have to make any kind of decision about any of this right now, I feel like I need to. I have always lived more by the seat of my pants. I've always had goals for the future and things that I've wanted to do in my life, but opportunities have always come to me, seemingly right out of the blue, and I have pursued them, and they have proved to be tremendously meaningful to me. So why I can't continue with this strategy now?
I HATE not knowing what's going to happen to me. I don't like looking into my future and seeing nothing but a blank slate. I've always been able to look into the year ahead and say, oh, I'll be in school, or I'll be in Africa, or I'll be at the lab, or I'll be with so-and-so. When I look at this time next year, I can't tell you where I'll be working, where I'll be living, who I'll be with, or if I'll be with anyone at all. I know that no one ever really knows what the future holds, but usually you can know with a small degree of certainty what at least part of your life will look like.
Don't get me wrong, part of me is totally excited to find out what is going to happen to me....if the pattern of my life continues, then it's sure to be fantastic. But what if it's not? What if nothing works out for me - what if she doesn't turn out to love me, what if I don't get a job I like, what if I'm still stagnant in the future like I am now? That would be the worst outcome of all, to still be in the same place I'm in now. Stuck.
Anyway, I don't even know why I went on this tangent. The girls will be here any minute. I need to put on a happy face and not think about her. Gotta get her outta my head, outta my heart. At least for now. It just doesn't make sense to me. But whatever.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
So last night was supposed to be a nice quiet time for me to reflect and try to reconnect to myself again. And although it was nice and quiet, there was no reflection. Who knows, maybe that's a good thing! We all know I have a habit of over analyzing everything, so perhaps taking some time to NOT think is actually a great idea!
Anyway, after cooking myself an absolutely fabulous dinner (thank you Kristy for the suggestion), I settled in and watched "The Last Samurai". I didn't really have a strong desire to watch this movie due to the Tom Cruise factor, however, I found myself totally in love with it and actually very deeply affected by the message. I know that I have a strange ability to make everything I encounter relevant to my own growth and experience, but I don't necessarily think that this is a bad thing. It's all about self-discovery, and if I use movies and other things as a tool in that process, well then so be it.
So the movie. The plot, in a nutshell: a disillusioned American war hero goes to Japan to teach them how to defeat the Samurai warriors who are rebelling against the westernization of their country. Cruise's character gets captured by his enemy, and during his captivity he comes to embrace the way of the Samurai and joins in their cause.
But the beauty of this movie lies in the transformation that occurs within Cruise's character. At the beginning of the movie we meet him as a drunk, angry man haunted by nightmares and recurring images of the battles he has witnessed. It is clear that he is tortured by the atrocities that he has not only witnessed, but has actually been responsible for. He is seen as an expert in defeating rebelious "savages", and this is not a role he seems prepared to accept for himself. So he comes to Japan full of anger and bitterness, but with a committment to get the job done.
He ends up spending a season in captivity, surrounded by the beauty of the land, the people, and the way of the Samurai. He develops a connection with his captor as they discover a mutual respect for the values, ideals, and culture of each other. In this simple life, this very disciplined and esthetic life, Cruises's character confronts his demons, the hauntings of his past, and reflects upon his life path. He comes to realize what he really values and the true meaning of honor. In the end he chooses to fight for these ideals, side-by-side with the man who brought him back to himself.
I was supposed to spend the night reconnecting with myself, and instead I watched a story about a man who actually DID reconnect with himself. I cried at the end of the movie, in part because it was so hard to watch the violent destruction, but also because I sympathized with Cruise's character. There are so many temptations in life, so many opporunities to lose your way. You make mistakes, do things you wish you hadn't, hurt people, and for what? Sometimes you have the answers to this, and many times you don't. By the end of the movie, he knew exactly where he wanted/needed to be. All decisions, all thoughts, all actions came from that place. And that, my friends, is where I want to be. If that makes any sense at all.
Anyway, after cooking myself an absolutely fabulous dinner (thank you Kristy for the suggestion), I settled in and watched "The Last Samurai". I didn't really have a strong desire to watch this movie due to the Tom Cruise factor, however, I found myself totally in love with it and actually very deeply affected by the message. I know that I have a strange ability to make everything I encounter relevant to my own growth and experience, but I don't necessarily think that this is a bad thing. It's all about self-discovery, and if I use movies and other things as a tool in that process, well then so be it.
So the movie. The plot, in a nutshell: a disillusioned American war hero goes to Japan to teach them how to defeat the Samurai warriors who are rebelling against the westernization of their country. Cruise's character gets captured by his enemy, and during his captivity he comes to embrace the way of the Samurai and joins in their cause.
But the beauty of this movie lies in the transformation that occurs within Cruise's character. At the beginning of the movie we meet him as a drunk, angry man haunted by nightmares and recurring images of the battles he has witnessed. It is clear that he is tortured by the atrocities that he has not only witnessed, but has actually been responsible for. He is seen as an expert in defeating rebelious "savages", and this is not a role he seems prepared to accept for himself. So he comes to Japan full of anger and bitterness, but with a committment to get the job done.
He ends up spending a season in captivity, surrounded by the beauty of the land, the people, and the way of the Samurai. He develops a connection with his captor as they discover a mutual respect for the values, ideals, and culture of each other. In this simple life, this very disciplined and esthetic life, Cruises's character confronts his demons, the hauntings of his past, and reflects upon his life path. He comes to realize what he really values and the true meaning of honor. In the end he chooses to fight for these ideals, side-by-side with the man who brought him back to himself.
I was supposed to spend the night reconnecting with myself, and instead I watched a story about a man who actually DID reconnect with himself. I cried at the end of the movie, in part because it was so hard to watch the violent destruction, but also because I sympathized with Cruise's character. There are so many temptations in life, so many opporunities to lose your way. You make mistakes, do things you wish you hadn't, hurt people, and for what? Sometimes you have the answers to this, and many times you don't. By the end of the movie, he knew exactly where he wanted/needed to be. All decisions, all thoughts, all actions came from that place. And that, my friends, is where I want to be. If that makes any sense at all.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Score 1 for self-expression
Since starting this whole blogging thing, I've been doing a little bit of reading on the history of it. I'm all for self-expression, and sometimes I forget that not all of us have the freedom to do so, whether it be because we were never taught how to express ourselves, or because we live in a part of the world where freedom of speech/expression is denied.
This morning I was reading about the "blog revolution" in China . I'll summarize it here, but if you'd like to read the full article, check it out here: http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99996707
Not so long ago, China decided to allow Cybercafes, hoping it would help "westernize" the country and make it more economically competitive. The Chinese governmen maintains continual surveillance to censor and "sanitize" the Internet - the so-called "Great Firewall".
Politically sensitive topics, such as Falun Gong, human rights, democracy, and Taiwan independence, are routinely filtered out. A list recently obtained by the China Internet Project in Berkeley found that over 1000 words, including “dictatorship”, “truth”, and “riot police” are automatically banned in China’s online forums.
But the "blog revolution" is changing all this. China currently has more than half a million bloggers, and the government can't keep up - blogs are being created faster than they can be destroyed. Although the Chinese government has banned access to Blogger (the website that hosts my blog), web-savvy people have found ways to bypass the Great Firewall. What all of this means is that subcultures that fall outside of traditional social and moral norms now have an outlet to voice their opinion.
It's amazing that I take advantage of this blog-thing to whine about heartache, when people on the other side of the world use it to fight for the human right of self expression. Kinda puts thigns in perspective, eh?
This morning I was reading about the "blog revolution" in China . I'll summarize it here, but if you'd like to read the full article, check it out here: http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99996707
Not so long ago, China decided to allow Cybercafes, hoping it would help "westernize" the country and make it more economically competitive. The Chinese governmen maintains continual surveillance to censor and "sanitize" the Internet - the so-called "Great Firewall".
Politically sensitive topics, such as Falun Gong, human rights, democracy, and Taiwan independence, are routinely filtered out. A list recently obtained by the China Internet Project in Berkeley found that over 1000 words, including “dictatorship”, “truth”, and “riot police” are automatically banned in China’s online forums.
But the "blog revolution" is changing all this. China currently has more than half a million bloggers, and the government can't keep up - blogs are being created faster than they can be destroyed. Although the Chinese government has banned access to Blogger (the website that hosts my blog), web-savvy people have found ways to bypass the Great Firewall. What all of this means is that subcultures that fall outside of traditional social and moral norms now have an outlet to voice their opinion.
It's amazing that I take advantage of this blog-thing to whine about heartache, when people on the other side of the world use it to fight for the human right of self expression. Kinda puts thigns in perspective, eh?
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