que sera sera

Ok. So I’m in a pickle. Well la-di-da. We all get into uncomfortable situations at one time or another. Although I would love to just go hide under a rock and evade reality for the rest of my life, I realize that this is going to get me nowhere. And as easy as wallowing in self pity may be, I have decided that enough is enough. I am generally positive by nature, so positive is what I will be. Being negative and assuming the worst is going to get me nowhere. So, I’m saying enough. I will be happy, dammit! I need a new outlook on my life, that’s all. I’m healthy, I’ve got great friends, I have everything I really need, so suck it up princess!

If I look at this from a logical perspective (and, yes, I am capable of logic every once in awhile) this is what I see: 2 issues are weighing me down – my heart and my job. If I look at my job situation, it really isn’t all that bad. Yes, I hate it. Yes, I deserve better. Yes, I am bored to death. But I am taking steps in the right direction. I’m looking, I’m applying for things, I’m seeking out the opportunities. And something is going to come up soon. I’m not worried about that, I never was. It’s just a matter of finding a way to be content in the meantime. And I’ve been making progress with that too. I’m taking on a couple of new projects which at least keeps my mind occupied. Keeping busy at work is definitely key right now.

My heart, however, may be a completely different matter. It’s very difficult to rationalize matters of the heart. I’m in love with someone who doesn’t want me. Logic would dictate that I should just give it up and move on. However, as much as I have tried over the past couple of weeks to turn those feelings off, I have not been successful. Not at all. I have managed to get angry, but that’s it. What angers me the most is how I have been acting as of late. Feelings of rejection, feelings of jealousy, feelings of inadequacy have plagued me. I know better than to take rejection personally, I know that there is no reason to feel jealous and there’s certainly no reason to feel inadequate. And yet I do. I feel these things.

I’ve been talking to a friend about these feelings, and I know the advice she has for me is true: she reminds me that I need to reconnect to myself (I’ve been saying that all along, haven’t I?). She says the answers are all available to me, I just have to be open to receiving them. She’s told me to meditate. And of course I know she’s right. And she keeps asking me what I’m afraid of, what exactly is holding me back from reconnecting. Because she sees reluctance in me, reluctance to face the truth. And again, she’s right. S, you are a wise woman.

I wonder what I really am afraid of. I still think this is a trust issue. I don’t trust myself. There is no sense reconnecting and looking inward if I’m not going to trust what I find. I’m not feeling safe in my heart right now, so why would I be inclined to go deeper within myself? I know all I need to do is just suck it up, take the plunge, and decide to do it. I know it’s as easy as that. You know, this is how I learned to swim as a kid – I got thrown off the end of the pier into the lake, and surprise, surprise, my body just knew what to do to keep me afloat. So I know that if I hurl myself off of my superficial safe haven into the ocean of Michelle, I will know how to keep myself afloat there too. But whatever.

I just had a great weekend with someone, someone who really cares about me and is wise beyond her years. Someone who’s free, available, and wants to be with me. But I don’t have with her what I have with my “emotional soul mate”. But there’s no denying that there is some kind of spark between us. Is it sexual? Is it merely lust? Is it something to fill the void that my soul mate has left in me? Is it real?

How do I deal with this and be fair to everyone involved? I can’t be with one woman if my heart is with another woman. But I don’t want to spend my life loving someone who can’t return it. And it feels so good to be with S. But is that real? My instinct is to try to hold out a little longer for my love, find the strength to love quietly, be her friend, and be patient for a while longer. I don’t feel our journey together is over yet. But is this a real instinct or a reluctance to let go?

My favourite poet, Rumi, has described love in this way:

“The power of love came into me, and I became fierce like a lion, then tender like the evening stars”.

So I think it’s time for me to let the lion sleep and become like the evening stars, shining brightly, but gently, and from a distance, letting her know that I’m here, watching over her, but not interfering.

I’m on hiatus from my soul mate for awhile. I need to get these insane feelings under control before they destroy me or her and our connection. I need to go on a hiatus from S as well. I need to be on my own, free from influence. So I guess that’s what I’m going to do. Avoid any situation that could possibly turn romantic. And then just sit tight for awhile. What’s meant to happen will happen, whatever will be, will be. I just gotta find a way to be patient. Like, that’s such an unfair thing to ask of an Aries. Oh well.

Rumi also said “Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” That’s a nice thought, isn’t it?