I had a GREAT time with the girls last night. There was so much food, so much fun, so much laughter - and lots of making fun of the L Word. Mmmm Shane.

But anyway, I'm too distracted to talk about the good stuff, naturally I need to dwell on the bad. I just had a fantastic day with someone...one of those great, lazy Sundays in front of the TV. I felt relaxed and rejuvinated. And then I turned on the computer to check my email. And because I am silly, I looked at "her" (why is it I'm afraid to type her name?) profile on the internet. And for some reason I was bothered because she changed her picture. She has one of my favourite pictures on there now - she has told me that it was taken on a very sad day, and when you click on the picture to see it a bit bigger, you can definitely see that she is sad. Makes me wonder why this is the version of herself she wants to portray to the world. So note to self - no more looking at her profile. It's only a constant reminder that she still hasn't found what she's looking for.

But whatever. I don't want to think about it, or her, anymore. I made a mistake by responding to her in the first place. I was seconds away from deleting my profile when she messaged me. I should've just ignored her and deleted my profile. I shouldn't have talked to her on the phone, I shouldn't have met her, I shouldn't have allowed myself the connection we had. And now I feel awful even typing those words, because of course I don't really wish any of these things.

I thought we had something, I really did. It was so tremendously hard for me to share some of the things I shared with her. And I imagine that she's sharing so much of what she shared with me with all these other women she has met on the internet. For some reason I feel betrayed, I feel misled, I feel used, and so very, very exposed. Which I know is silly, because she has done none of these things. She never would. So then why do I feel this way?