Celebrating a Western holiday season with Eastern Beliefs

I have long struggled with this time of year. I have so many problems with Christmas, starting with the fact that I am not a Christian, but also encompassing issues such as: I don't do turkey dinner as a vegetarian, I try to live my life simplisticly, avoiding excessive materialism, etc. Trying to get loved ones to understand this is rather difficult, particulary with my family who find comfort in the traditions of the holiday. The end result of this struggle is general angst and grumpiness during the season. However, I've had a change of heart this year, and am totally excited about the holiday. I've chosen to concentrate on the aspects that I love: the overwhelming joy of my mother, the lights shining throughout the city, people who normally don't giving to charity giving what they can. I still struggle a bit, mostly with the fact that we as westerners overeat, overdrink, and overindulge for a full month, when most of the human population lives in poverty. In any case, I just read an article that nicely explained how one woman finds a way to make her western upbringing co-exist with her eastern beliefs. It's called Om for the Holidays and you can find it here:

http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/514_1.cfm?ctsrc=nlv182

I'm a Master!!!

Well, almost! I just finished my thesis defense and it went soooooooo well! I can't believe it's all finally over! I was a nervous wreck all day, but as usual, the anticipation was way worse than the actual defense. As soon as I started talking I KNEW I was going to nail it. I felt so comfortable and the words were just falling out of my mouth. My external examiner was the first one to ask questions, and she starting off by saying "First let me tell you that this an excellent thesis, perfectly written, and very important". I pretty much knew then that I was going to pass! The remaining questions were all very fair, and were also very general. Those questions are so much more fun to answer than the nit-picky ones. Anyway, at the end of it all I was told I couldn't have done it better, and then was offered a job opportunity with WHO!!!!! How can it get any better than that!!!!

The petty details of the squid and the whale

The other night Shelley and I went to see a movie called "The Squid and the Whale". It was a rather candid look at parental influence, particularly in the face of divorce. The story centered on a pair of brothers, one who wants to be a writer like dad, and the other who wants to be a tennis pro. The parents aren't the nicest of people - mom has several affairs during the marriage, and dad is an emotionally abusive arrogant asshole (that's my opinion of him anyway). They are both PhD literary experts and the movie involves lots of discussion around "classic works" which was often quite funny. Anyway, it was interesting to watch these two boys experience the divorce, how they seemed to "pick sides", and how they each adopted certain traits from their parents. It was particularly interesting how they chose to also focus on the sexual journey of these boys - Frank, the youngest son, is just discovering himself and begins experimenting with alcohol and masterbation, while Walt, the eldest, struggles over the state of his first relationship with a girl. Neither parent seems able to give the boys the guidance they need during this and as such they end up getting into a bit of trouble.

I just finished a book called "The Petty Details of So-and-So's Life". This book also dealt with parental influence, this time focusing on a brother and sister and how they each cope with the disapearance of their mentally ill father and the resulting withdrawal and alcoholism of their mother. Despite having some rather humorous moments, the book touches on the issues of child abuse, sexual abuse, incest, homophobia, self-mutilation, mental illness and alcoholism. The story centers around Emma and Blue, siblings who took comfort in each other during their early years, hiding from the abuse of their father. When he leaves, each sibling deals with his absence in a different way. Emma continually tries to re-invent herself, creating new lives in which she doesn't have to deal with the facts of her true life. Eventually, of course, this catches up to her. Despite her sexual confusion and her fears that she will end up like her father, she manages to find happiness in her life. Blue, on the other hand, is constantly haunted by his father's abusive comments. He turns into a drug-addicted, rough-and-tough tattoo artist who spends considerable time trying to find his homeless father, and finds relief only in the saddest of ways at the end of the novel.

Anyway, it was interesting to read a book and see a movie that both dealth with a pair of siblings trying to grow up in less-than-ideal circumstances. Gave lots of food for thought....

Map of My World

I found this website where you can map out all of the countries you have visited. Here's what my map looks like:



create your own visited country map

Mind the wildlife

There's nothing like absolute darkness to make you feel like you are in the middle of nowhere. It fascinates me how you can arrive at your destination in the dark, completely unaware of your physical surroundings, and then wake up in the morning to find yourself amidst glorious mountains and lakes. This has been the story of my life this week. I am in the interior of BC for work, and have so far visited the towns of Trail, Cranbrook, Nelson and Penticton. It's only Thursday and I've already put over 1300km on the car!

On the first day, from Kelowna to Trail, I had to drive over a snow-filled, icy pass. I was white-knuckled the whole time and even had to turn off the music to allow complete concentration on the road. Then, on my way to Cranbrook, I drove over the highest pass in BC in complete darkness, and I was the only vehicle on the road. It was sooooo scary! I'm driving this puny little gutless Echo and I was sure I was going to slide right off the side of the mountain! Thankfully, I didn't.

When it came time to drive over to Nelson on Tuesday, I was in a slight state of panic because I didn't want to go over that damn pass again. I figured I tested my luck once already - I didn't need to do it again. So I went to the Visitors' Information Center in Creston, after an amazing small-town lunch, and asked for alternate ways of getting to Nelson. The lady at the desk said that I could only go over the pass if I had chains on the car. Well, the rental didn't come with chains, and even if it did, I wouldn't have a clue what to do with them. Besides, she said her husband worked for the fire department and had done several rescues that morning already, and that the pass would likely be closed later in the day. So, I had no choice but to go the looooooooong way. That was fine by me. It was a gorgeous drive around Kootenay Lake, and I got to take a ferry. So it was all good.

It took me about 5 minutes to realize that I loved Nelson and never, ever wanted to leave. The place is simply stunning. In a weird way it kind of reminded me of Rwanda - when you approach the city, you can see rows upon rows of houses terraced into the mountain, just like the farms and villages were in Rwanda. Anyway, Nelson has an Ashtanga yoga studio, several meditation centers, restaurants with catchy names, like The Treehouse which served vegan entrees and Night Train which claimed to serve "soul food". They had stores geared towards the "responsible consumer" and hemp stores galore. All this I found on a short walk in the evening. Add in all the amazing opportunities for hiking, and you've got paradise, as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, morning came and I went to the hospital (half way up a mountain I might add) and finished my work, and then it was on the road again - this time to Penticton. The logical way to get there, according the map, was to retrace my steps. However, this required going over a flippin' pass again. My colleague at the hospital made some comment suggesting that I was brave, if not a little insane, to go over that pass. So I left the hospital, went to my trendy little car, and stared at the map, thinking that I had been brave enough on my first day of driving, and that there was really nothing wrong with choosing to drive several hours longer in order to avoid one hour of sheer terror. Besides, I shouldn't gamble with my life and limbs when I'm on the boss' money.

The drive, again, was beautiful. At least it was while the light lasted. By the time I came to yet another ferry ride across another lake, it was 5pm and therefore dark. I drove up and over another pass, although thankfully the snow chose to stay on the trees and not the roads. But, it was 107km, this trail around the mountain, and the speed limit was usually only 60km/h, sometimes even 20km/h on account of the windiness.

I must admit that I got a bit scared again. You know that you are truly in barren land when you can't even get CBC on am radio. I managed to keep my mind busy during those grueling 107km, mostly contemplating the wildlife in the area. I saw more deer and elk on that stretch than I had the rest of the trip! What I was trying to figure out was why they choose to dash to the far side of the road, and dangerously crossing my path, rather than hop back into the ditch they are standing right beside. It's a mystery. At least the animals kept me company. As did the signs on the road telling me to look out for them.

This poor world of ours

Two aid workers were killed and several more were injured in a series of ambushes by the LRA in northern Uganda earlier this week.

Meanwhile, in Pakistan, the death toll threatens to double as homeless citizens succumb to hunger, cold, and injury. While the world has promised the region money, it has been too slow getting there. And many countries have given little to nothing. It's been estimated that more people will die due to this than from the earthquake itself. Aid workers are struggling to do the best they can with essentially nothing.

In Sudan, the aid workers that were being held hostage were finally released. Despite this, attacks on villages, rapes, and other ambushes are on the increase. As a result, all but the most essential aid is being pulled from the region, leaving 3.3 million local people to suffer, including the 1.8 million people who are internally displaced and the 200,000 that have fled to Chad.

War is expected to commence full-force in the Ivory Coast on Oct 30. The current president's five-year term comes to end on this day, and there are no elections scheduled to replace him. The country was split in two in 2002 by a civil war.

I won't even get started on the bird flu.

A Palestinian suicide bomber killed five in a market in Israel. Islamic Jihad claimed responsibility for the bombing, saying it was avenging Israel's killing of a top West Bank commander on Monday during an army arrest raid.

Millions of citizens in Malawi are starving because the current president and his predecessor are quarelling over who's more corrupt, pitting the goverment against the parliament and seemingly forgetting about everyone else who lives in the country.

The list could go on. This poor world of ours.

Adventures on the Road to Health

I'm sure none of you want to hear about my mundane health problems, especially since they revolve almost entirely around my bowels and PMS. In any case, I've given up on the western medical system I've devoted most of my working life to, and have turned to more traditional modes of healing. I guess I got tired of of walking into my GP's office, describing my issues, then being shuffled out the door with illegible prescriptions in my hand. Part of me always wonders if anyone only cares if the condition is life-threatening. However, I feel I deserve I completely healthy life, as we all do, so I decided to take advantage of all my benefits at work and try some alternative therapies.

I went to a naturopathic doctor a few weeks ago. Rather than a super-fast 2 minute consultation, I was in her office for almost 2 hours. We talked about my entire medical history, what my past and current complaints are, and what my goals for health were. I was elated to even be asked what my goals were! Anyway, it was a very tiring appointment. She made me discuss emotional issues as well, since the physical body often expresses the emotional body. Anyway, after all of her questioning and testing, she told me what I already knew. Which was somewhat of a relief, I guess. When it came time to determining what to do about it, she used this process called clinical kinesiology, which is some kind of a feedback system of muscle testing. Your muscles respond to different stimuli based on your body's perception of that stimulus. The doc was able to tell which organs were "sick" through this process, and also which treatments would be best for me. After all this, she gave me a couple of things to try. It has been two weeks, and although my troubles aren't completely fixed, they are certainly much, much better.

Anyway, in discussing this journey with a friend, I discovered that my friend was on the same kind of healing path. She felt she needed a healthier way of living, and discovered an acupuncturist that has a very gentle way of approaching health. I complain every few months about numbness in my arms, and although previous physio and chiropractic treatments have fixed this, it always promptly returns. So tonight I see the acupuncturist to see if he can not only fix this problem of mine, but also come up with ways that I might prevent it in the future. That's what I'm after.....prevention.

I told the naturopath this, and I'll tell this dude tonight, that although it is a specific issue that brought me to these people, "getting fixed" isn't my primary objective. I want to learn healthy habits, but I also want to understand what my weaknesses are so that I can take special measures to prevent some of my recurring health issues from happening in the future. It seems reasonable to me....I'll keep you posted.

why i quit hockey

It comes as a shock to most people who know me, but I quit hockey yersterday. I've only told Vickie and Kristie (besides Shelley, of course, who knew I was stewing about this since our last game). Both said to me "but you LOVE hockey!". And it's true, I do. Shelley asked me if I wouldn't miss the rush, the feeling of being out there on the ice. Of course I will, that's what I love most about hockey! But that feeling comes at a price that is just too high for me. Shelley's advice was to just stand up to certain people, and Vickie told me that she's learned you can't please everyone, just do the best you can, and fuck anyone who says it's not good enough. There are days when I wish I was more like Vickie!

But it's just not that easy for me. Hockey was also just supposed to be fun for me. Yes, I wanted to improve my skills, but I played for the sake of playing, and if I became a better player, then that was just a bonus. I have no aspirations to become a national women's hockey team player. I have no aspirations to even play in a different tier! I just wanted to have fun! Hockey was my outlet, my stress relief. But what's a person to do when your outlet becomes stressful?

So why is hockey stressful? There are several reasons:

• Because of my work schedule, I have to miss some games. And because of work/other committments in life, it is very difficult for me to make practices that are arranged on short notice. Some people don't understand the concept of putting work before hockey. And as coach said "I have x many children and x many jobs and my work is mentally challenging, and yes I would rather be in bed at 10:45pm but I come to games anyway because I made that committment to the team and the team expects the same committment from you." I just can't do that, even though I wish I could.
• It is hard for me to see my teammates come to games high/stoned. Especially when these teammates are also friends. Shelley has been trying to teach me how to come to hockey and tune that stuff out, but I can't. I happen to care about these people and I don't understand their choices. I can't say anything to them because what right do I have to judge other people's life choices? It hurts me to see that and it hurts me more that there is nothing I can do to convince these people that they can have so much more in their lives. For all I know, they are happy with their lives. So I have this inner turmoil everytime I enter the dressing room. I have to look at people I used to know and love and face the fact that I don't know them at all anymore. I know that people would think this is crazy, which is why I never mentioned this as a reason for quitting. It's just who I am. I have no control over my hurting heart sometimes.
• I get tired of people telling me I need more practice, or need to do this or that differently. I play hockey to have fun, not to be constantly told I'm not good enough. I don't pretend to be a star player. What's worse is that I'm never lazy on the ice. I work hard every single shift of every single game. Because I lack any serious skill this is sometimes hard to see. But it's true. So it's hard when coach says certain things to me after I've done the best I thought I could.

You know, I get lots of criticism at work, and I have personality conflicts with people at work. But it never really becomes a pr0blem. I appreciate constructive criticism because it makes me better at what I do. I'm a senstitive person and it takes a lot of effort for me to put personality conflicts in context. But hockey isn't like work for me. It was supposed to be a place where I got to be myself, not be judged based on my skill, and just have fun. When you have these expectations of something, you generally feel disappointed when they are not met.

So that's my story.

Two sides of the coin

Someone, I like to call him a wise man because I think he is, told me this morning that our greatest strength in life ultimately becomes our greatest weakness. He was referring to me always having to be “strong” and “hard-working”. Granted, he knows me in a professional sense, not a personal one, so he’s a bit biased. Anyway, he was commenting on how admirable it is that I can always successfully push through all of my obstacles at work/school. He asked me where in my life I picked that up from, and so I told him the following (all true!) story:

Do you remember back in the days when the powers-that-be still believed physical activity was an important part of a child’s education? Every year we had to endure the Canada Fitness Test, in which we had to prove we could do an appropriate number of sit-ups, push-ups, and chin-ups. We had to run a certain distance in a certain amount of time, and we had to do standing/running long jumps as well. Athletics was never my strong suit and I hated that part of me. I loved running around and climbing trees and being active, but I could never get anything better than the “bronze” badge in the Canada Fitness Test. In Grade 6 I said to myself “enough is enough”. I told my teacher that I wanted not simply the “gold” badge, but the “excellence” badge. Every single day after that discussion I came early into school and we practiced, and practiced, and practiced. I worked so hard. When the testing day came, I passed it with flying colors. There was a special assembly at school to hand out the badges, and the local paper was there, and my parents were there, and my teacher got up in front of everybody and told my story, concluding with the statement (or something like it anyway): “you can do anything you set your mind on”.

Despite the fact that I felt completely humiliated, I learned the lesson the teacher tried to teach me, and from that point on, I’ve known that if I always try just a little bit harder, I can accomplish what I want. It’s this belief that has got me the good marks in school, the praises from my employers, the jobs I’ve wanted, all of the amazing opportunities I’ve had in my life, etc.

But what happens if you “try harder” to accomplish something you have no control over, or something that is best just left alone? I’ve been sick in the past, and I told myself that if I had just “been stronger” I would’ve been able to fight the sickness off. If I just “tried harder” I’d be able to function well on little or no sleep. If I just “tried harder” I wouldn’t feel sad, or angry. You get the picture. Being strong and hard-working is a great way to be in most aspects of life, but if you get to the point where feel you failed yourself because didn’t work hard enough, or because you weren’t strong enough, then this strength becomes a weakness.

Here’s another example: whenever I hurt myself and ran to my dad bleeding or bruised, he’d tell me to “stick the pain in your back pocket”. It’s great advice in many ways – it was those words that got me to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro and through my minor surgery in Syria (not to mention the nasty spider bite that caused it!). But what about emotional pain? I think most would agree it’s never a good idea to bottle that up and store it in your back pocket until one day the pocket gets full and your jeans tear at the seams and your insides are bared to all who care to notice. Being able to ignore physical pain may be a great strength, but ignoring emotional pain is a great weakness.

Anyway, I realized that the opposite must also be true: our greatest weaknesses can also be our greatest strengths. I’ve always assumed my sensitivity to be my greatest weakness. I’ve gotten used to being teased, laughed at, and ridiculed for crying because a bird flew into the window and died. I’m used to friends getting upset with me because I don’t want to be in loud, noisy bars. I’m used to people telling me to “suck it up” when I get hurt too easily. I’m used to people saying “don’t take it personally”. This world is just not designed for us sensitive people. But along with this sensitivity comes empathy and a true sense of love and caring for this world and all the people in it. And that’s a strength, don’t you think?

I guess there’s always two sides to the coin.

Dreaming the Apocalypse

I had another strange dream last night....I dreamed that Earth ran out of water. It was horrible. People were dying of dehydration everywhere I looked. Rich people had all of the remaining stocks of bottled water, and horrific acts of violence were committed as people tried to steal water to survive. I couldn't find all the people I loved, but I somehow managed to find some people from my past that I've never really got along with. The group of us had to work together to try and find a way to survive. It was disturbing. I woke up really thirsty, which likely explains the dream. But still...

Beamers vs shaggin' wagons

Shelley flew out to Victoria to spend the weekend with me. We had such a great time! Even though we are completely broke and can't look rich even if we try, we decided to go all out and enjoy a weekend of gluttonous luxury together. It started out with a night at the Empress. This place is so Victorian, so over-the-top fancy, that we both just giggled the whole time we were there. The ornate wall paper, the flowery carpets, the old paintings of important people of the past, the antique furniture, it was all too much! We had a king sized bed with the most amazing pillows. Unfortunately the bed squeaked, and due to an unfortunate event in Nanaimo involving me having to endure the sexual sounds of the couple in the room next to me for hours on end, and the knowledge that there were old people staying next to us in the Empress, the night wasn't as wild as it probably should have been. Besides, I had to roll over four times to even find Shelley in that damn bed! I think she spent the whole night dreaming about the $24 buttermilk pancakes she wanted for breakfast.....

The next day we started our drive across the island to Tofino. This was a first for us - I drove and she got to be the restless passenger. Both of us wished we were in the other's seat, but due to insurance and blah, blah, blah, I was the sole driver. There was an upside to this - because of my reckless driving, we discovered that Shelley has the car-sickness gene. I tried so hard not to laugh at her, but it was so funny! It was a long and windy, hilly road, and since I have a need for speed and enjoy centrifugal motion, it was literally a roller-coaster ride all the way there!

But there were a few highlights, and breaks from the car, along the way. We stopped at Duncan, the town of totems, and payed a small fortune to enter this outdoor museum and learn all about Native life in the area. It was actually quite fascinating. Part of it involved a short film, and I loved the way this film was made - they talked about the history of the local tribes, their folklore and stories, and they compared it to Christian stories. This was followed by some dancers, one of whom was a little shy boy, who made me smile. We stopped at another town for lunch and had a game of crib while we waited for our food. Well, half of a game. Lunch arrived midway, and we decided we would play one more hand, then call it quits. Shelley ended up pulling ahead of me in that last hand, but I still insist that if you mutually agree to end a game, then it is a draw! Fair is fair.....The funniest thing was my Freudian slip. There was a Yhatzee game on our table, and looking at it brought back memories of my mom always playing it with her coffee in the mornings. I meant to tell Shelley that mom used to play Yhatzee all the time, but what came out was "Mom used to like playing Nazi." Oops.

Perhaps the most amazing stop at all was just a few miles outside of Tofino. I stopped in the middle of the highway because there was a bear on the side of the road! A baby! Now Shelley has had all sorts of bear encounters, but I have never seen one in the wild. She was a bit freaked out, but I was fascinated and had to pull out the camera. This bear really couldn't care less about us, didn't even give us the time of day. It munched on some grass for awhile, then crawled back into the forest.

We stayed in a beautiful B&B for the two nights we had in Tofino. The woman who owned the place was fabulous, and did her best to try to convince Shelley to move there....there are no plumbers in Tofino, and she could make a killing. From the sounds of it, there are some extremely anal, strict female RCMP officers there, so Shelley would find herself right at home! Me, I could surf and do yoga all day, so I would be perfectly happy there too. A life without McDonalds, Tim Hortons, and shopping malls...such places do exist! Anyway, we spent our time strolling on the beach, walking trails in the rainforest, and dining at extravagent restaurants where you pay lots of money to have your small amount of food ornatley arranged on your fashionable plate. But geez was it good food!

Tofino is kind of a funny place - really all you see are two groups of people: the rich people in their BMWs and Porsches, staying at expensive lodges and doing I-have-no-idea-what, and the hippies in their shaggin' wagons with surfboards tied to the roofs and the unmistakable scent of Mary Jane floating through the windows. And everyone finds a way to co-exist peacefully.

It felt so liberating to be near the ocean again. I spent my time there barefooted, running through the water and enjoying the feel of the sand on my feet. It's so grounding, feeling the earth beneath your feet. We also met a man and his dog, Pal, who were spending the day together on the beach. We kept running in to them, and every time we saw Pal we were reminded of our own dogs. We are just like parents sometimes. It was hard not to call our dogsitter to make sure our favourite canines were ok.

I made poor Shelley shake her head at me a few times. I took lots of pictures, and told her she could takes some if she wanted. At this time it was pouring rain, and I couldn't see anything because my glasses were wet and foggy. I kept lifting my glasses up and down to see what was in front of me. Shelley laughed at me and told me she needed a video camera to capture me - a single picture would never do it! It reminded me of an Ani song (....I have the kind of beauty that moves....).

Anyway, it was crash and burn time for the drive home. I was so tired! About half way back to Victoria I caved in and ate 9.5 timbits. The sugar rush was incredible, and went on to narrate the rest of the journey in Spanish....oh, poor Shelley. I'm so glad the girl just laughs at me.

5 pounds gone!!!

Today marks one week of my latest dieting scheme. And I just weighed myself - I've already lost 5 pounds! I was shocked! I'm not doing anything exciting or unhealthy. All I'm doing is this:

• excercising for a little bit as soon as I get out of bed in the morning. Since I'm living in hotels which don't always have an excerise room, I've got one of those "8 Minutes in the Morning" books. The one I have is for people who don't like lifting weights, so all the exercises use your own body weight for resistance, and instead of doing many repititions, you simply hold the excercise for a longer time until you reach failure. I kind of scoffed at the excercises when I first saw them, but believe me, I feel them! I also do a bit of stretching, just because it feels good.
• I'm also forcing myself to eat breakfast every single day. This is the hardest part for me. But from everything I've read, eating breakfast kick-starts your metabolism, which is obviously important for weight loss. Not eating breakfast puts your body into starvation mode, which means you end up losing your muscle mass, not your fat.
• I also make sure I eat lunch and dinner, with a snack in between. I make sure I have protein and lots of veggies at each meal. I still eat carbs, but I try to keep it to healthy whole-grain stuff.
• I'm carrying a water bottle around with me and making sure I drink lots of water throughout the day.

And that's it! I have even had a chocolate bar, and when I went to a movie, I had some popcorn. And still 5 lbs gone!

Yeah for me!

5 pounds gone!!!

Today marks one week of my latest dieting scheme. And I just weighed myself - I've already lost 5 pounds! I'm not doing anything exciting or unhealthy. All I'm doing is this:

• excercising for a little bit as soon as I get out of bed in the morning. Since I'm living in hotels which don't always have an excerise room, I've got one of those "8 Minutes in the Morning" books. The one I have is for people who don't like lifting weights, so all the exercises use your own body weight for resistance, and instead of doing many repititions, you simply hold the excercise for a longer time until you reach failure. I kind of scoffed at the excercises when I first saw them, but believe me, I feel them! I also do a bit of stretching, just because it feels good.
• I'm also forcing myself to eat breakfast every single day. This is the hardest part for me. But from everything I've read, eating breakfast kick-starts your metabolism, which is obviously important for weight loss. Not eating breakfast puts your body into starvation mode, which means you end up losing your muscle mass, not your fat.
• I also make sure I eat lunch and dinner, with a snack in between. I make sure I have protein and lots of veggies at each meal. I still eat carbs, but I try to keep it to healthy whole-grain stuff.
• I'm carrying a water bottle around with me and making sure I drink lots of water throughout the day.

And that's it! I have even had a chocolate bar, and when I went to a movie, I had some popcorn. And still 5 lbs gone!

Yeah for me!

Inspirations

One of the best things about dining by yourself is that you are free to listen to all the conversations going on around you. This happened to me last night. I was eating an amazing halibut and shrimp dinner, drinking a glass of Yellowtail Shiraz, and eavesdropping on the family sitting behind me. Two of them, a couple, had just returned from teaching English in Korea. From the sounds of it, although they are both from Vancouver Island, they met and fell in love in Korea. Anyway, I got to hear all about their adventures, the people they met, the memorable food, how many times Air Canada lost their luggage, etc. I could relate to so many of their stories, and I found myself taking part in their conversations in my head. I even chuckled out loud a few times. It got me all excited about going overseas again.

There were two other women at the table (the mothers, I think). They were talking about their weight, and how they had both been working so hard at losing it. One of them had lost 50 pounds and was just soooooo excited about it! She felt she had only 20 pounds left to go, and was struggling with them - they weren't coming off as fast as the first 20 did. But, she was just so positive and energized. It made me feel great! And guilty about all the food I was eating....

Anyway, the point is, I often talk to friends and family about my travels and my desire to shed a few pounds, but I always leave those encounters feeling guilty (for wanting to leave) and discouraged ("but I like you just the way you are, you don't have to lose weight"). But listening in on conversations that have nothing to do with me, but everything to do with me, was totally inspirational!

At long last an update....

Aaahhh…life has been treating me well these days. Although I’m working full-time, I feel like I’m on a vacation, especially this week. I’ve been working on Vancouver Island and will be here for the next three weeks. I’ve been so consumed in my mind and my heart lately with various life things – mostly concerning where my life is going to go next. Being here, near the ocean, I feel more connected and have been able to just let all those worries float out to sea.

I arrived in Victoria Monday morning and drove up the coast to Campbell River. I stayed at a lovely B&B. The owners had a beautiful golden retriever named Bentley, and of course we connected immediately. This house was right on the banks of the river, and I took him down to the river yesterday morning. He liked to just float in the river….I understood was he was feeling…I like to do that too!

I connect to places so easily – it’s funny that I was sad to leave a place after staying there only one night. But by the time I arrived in Comox I had already forgotten about it and fell in love again with this new town. After checking into my hotel (which was rather regal – complete with red carpeting and a soaker tub), I wandered down to the marina and looked at the boats. I leaned over the dock and stared out at the ocean, enjoying the breeze on my face and the smell of the salt water. My mind had wandered off to who-knows-where, but I was brought back to reality by aggressive splashes in the water. There were two sea otters playing mere feet in front of me. It was so cute! They were flipping this way and that, teasing each other, having fun. It brought me joy, just like the dolphins in Zanzibar and the Maldives did. I had dinner at the marina afterwards, and I giggled at the waitress as she told that it was “white trash Tuesday” meaning the special was pork chops in mushroom sauce served with fries. Sounds like home, eh?

I went for a long walk that night, and I was convinced that the average age of the population was around 72. I didn’t pass many pedestrians on foot, but I passed a good many in their motorized scooter-wheelchairs. But nevertheless, when I was in the hospital this morning, looking at the list of locum docs, I sure got excited about the possibility of spending more time here in that capacity.

So now here I am in Nanaimo. I’m on the 14th floor of a waterfront hotel with a glorious view of the ocean below. I feel so spoiled! And this room has a Murphy bed, which is totally cool. Adds a certain level of funkiness to the room. I am quite content.

my latest dilemna...to md or not to md

I just finished writing this long, elaborate explanation of my latest obsession, only to somehow erase it all. I suppose I wasn't meant to share it with you. In a nutshell, I'm contemplating med school (I know I do this every year). Everyone I've talked to about this has a different opinion, and this doesn't help me at all. I know what I want to do with my life - my problem is that I don't know how to get there. I know that if I were to become a doctor, all I would have to do is sign up with Doctors Without Borders and spend the rest of my life providing care to those who need it most. Of course, I would have to finish nearly a decade more of school and pay back $100,000 debt first. It seems like an expensive, time consuming means to an end, especially since clinical work isn't really where my interest is! Plus, I have this feeling that I would spend the whole time in excruciating pain, living with the knowledge that there's somewhere else I'm supposed to be!

One person I talked to made the most sense to me - she told me that I am my own worst critic, and that I always underestimate my abilities and qualifications to do the things I want to do. She reminded me that the most creative people in the world don't know that they are that. I realise that med school is the safe route for me (that sounds ridiculous, I know, but it's how I feel!). Taking the chance, putting myself out there, and risking complete and utter failure is the scary thing to do right now. I'm just not sure I'm qualified to go do epi overseas right now - I'd really like to get some experience in Canada first.

So I guess I'm not sure what to do right now. Am I making excuses to go to med school, or making excuses not to go? I've got to make a rather fast decision. My current job will end within the next six months - where do I want to go next? And what happens if I never get there - to this place where I know I belong?

If anyone has the magic answer, I'd love to hear it. And don't tell me to follow my heart. I know that already.

Camping adventures

Last weekend Shelley and I went camping to Kananaskis, which is one of my most favourite places ever. I was working in Calgary the week before, and am still here in Calgary. Shelley packed up the camping equipment and the dogs, picked me up in my hotel, and off we went. We chose to take the scenic route out to Kananaskis from Canmore - in part because I forgot the dogs' leashes in my car and we had to buy news ones, and in part because the long and winding road up the mountains and around the sparkling turquoise crystal clear lakes is breathtakingly beautiful.

Despite a few hurdles (the entire provincial park was full and we had to pack up each morning and move to a different campsite), we had a fantastic trip. The weather was amazing, the dogs were a pleasure to have around (at least when they weren't trying to sleep on our heads in the tent), and life is just always better in the mountains. They are such a spiritual place for me. There is something about the way the peaks of mountains look against the sky - it's kind of like they don't belong there, but they choose to be there anyway.

We did a couple of great hikes - one up Mt Indefatiguable, and the other all the way around the upper lake. I've done both hikes many times before and love them. This is why I had to share them with Shelley - she loved them just as much as me, and that makes me so happy! The hike up the mountain gives you an incredible view of the valley below and the upper and lower lakes. On the way up we encountered a group of Japanese tourists coming down. One of them was trying to take a picture of the view, I assumed. I was wrong. She actually wanted a picture of Shelley and I with the dogs! This is the first time I've been in someone else's tourist pictures! It turns out that they recognized the Akita in Casper - a dog loved in Japan. We had a fun chat with the tour group, and then continued the grueling climb to the top. At the top we met three other couples who seemed to be amazing people. Both Shelley and I felt blessed to be in the company of such people. So often in the city all you encounter is snobby people, or angry people, or people who just want nothing to do with you for whatever reason. It is always a blessing to encounter people who are the opposite...

The hike around the lake always stuns me. You encounter dozens of different ecosystems on this hike - landslides, waterfalls, marshes, rain-forest-like terrain, old forest fires, and on, and on. It's a good 18km, but every km is beautiful. It's just a perfect mix of all the elements and leaves you completely renewed by the end of it.

Geez I'm tired.....bedtime for this girl.

More funky dreams....

So the other night I had the strangest dream....I was walking through the forest with a wolf who was talking to me. It's not like he was actually physically talking to me, but we were walking together, and there was a Native voice talking to me, and it was just obvious it was coming from the wolf. Strangely, the wolf had the energy of Casper. Anyway, it was telling me how to love the Earth, and how to take care of the Earth, and the circle of life, and how to love, even those whom I don't want to love. The wolf then disappeared and left me in a large field filled with joyful rabbits, who I jumped around and danced with. I woke up feeling a large sense of responsibility.

The other bit of strangeness is that Louis Riel has been popping into my life lately. For those of you who don't know Canadian history, Riel was a Metis leader who led his people in a revolution against the Canadian government in Manitoba in the 1800s. He was a rather contoversial person, and some say he was even crazy. In the end, he was hung for treason, although how fighting for your own land is treason, I have no idea. Anyway, when I went to Winnipeg a few weeks ago, I started a book called The Diviners by Margaret Laurence, having no idea what it was about, or that it took place in rural Manitoba. The book is basically about a middle-aged woman, who is a writer, trying to understand the strange antics of her teenaged daughter, by reliving her own younger years. Anyway, while I was on a tour of Winnipeg, the tour guide told many stories about Riel, both historical stories and the stories passed down to him from his elders. Later on, in Grande Prairie, I continued reading this book, and each of the main characters tell their stories of Riel, also passed down to them from their elders. Each character told the same story, with a slightly different slant, or with slightly different details, based on how their elders experienced the revolution. Anyway, it made me realize that everyone has their own truth....

Trip to Grande Prairie

Grande Prairie turned out to be much better than I thought it would be. It is really quite beautiful here, both in terms of the friendliness of the people and the landscape. I chose to stay at a B&B, rather than another dreary hotel, and boy am I ever glad that I did. If you ever have reason to come to Grande Prairie, I highly recommend staying at Maple Meadows Country B&B. It is owned by a retired couple from Edmonton, and they run a top-notch establishment here. The yard is lush and green, and very quiet. The house is a perfect blend of country simplicity and modernity. My room is amazing – big, fluffy queen sized bed, a lovely soaker tub, a big red leather chair parked in front of the satellite TV and the fireplace, the private balcony, the fresh flowers on a table in the corner….this has turned out feeling more like a vacation and less like work. And don’t get me started on the breakfasts – I feel like I am getting way more than what I’ve paid for!

The people of Grande Prairie have been so kind to me, both in the hospital and out-and-about. They have a great trail system here, and last night I went for a run. True story! I actually ran. Don’t ask me where the motivation for doing such a thing came from. I got the giggles because there are frequent signs reminding trail users of the presence of moose and bears. Of course I thought of Shelley and her bear attack. Anyway, people always smiled and said hello to me. It’s nice to be in cities where this happens on a regular basis. Grande Prairie is used to seeing lots of business people (in fact this city has the highest number of millionaires per capita of all cities in Canada) and tourists (it’s a gateway to the North). This comes in handy – wait staff are used to seeing lone diners in their restaurants and are quick to offer magazines and newspapers to their patrons. The people in the hospital were amazing as well – so helpful and chatty. Some days I spent more time talking than working (this is not unusual for me!!). Of course the presence of another lesbian in the department didn’t help matters much.... :)

Despite the chatting, I managed to finish my patients early and decided to drive to Fairview to view a couple of patient charts. It was about an hour’s drive, and it was beautiful – very green and hilly. I especially enjoyed driving down into the Dunvegan valley and over the largest suspension bridge in Alberta. Fairview is your typical Albertan small town: no fast food joints, lots of hardware stores, all the lamp posts on Main Street had baskets of flowers hanging on them, and every house had a vegetable garden out back. The hospital had a boot rack at the entrance, and there were actually boots sitting on them! The health records staff knew the charts by the patient’s name rather than their number. And again, they were so chatty! And unlike the small towns Shelley and I encountered in the Badlands, the theme song to Deliverance never once came to mind!

On the way back to Grande Prairie I stopped at the Dunvegan Provincial park and took a wander around, learning about the history of the area, from when the North West Trading Company came, to when the Hudson’s Bay Company took over, from the arrival of the missionaries, to the signing of Treaty 8 with the Natives of the area. I always enjoy a good history lesson, and a good walk down by the river.

Anyway, I head home tomorrow morning. I’m anxious to see Shelley and the dogs!! And I wonder where I will get sent to next….Calgary I think!

The story of Molly

I forgot to write about this major event earlier - Shelley and I got a puppy! To make a long story short, we found Molly and thought she would be a great dog for my brother. His wife obviously wears the pants in their relationship, and vetoed the dog. So, Shelley and I decided to keep her. She is an absolute delight and has the face of an angel. She is a retriever cross, 8 months old, and has attitude. She takes none of Casper's guff, and in fact gives it right back. I'll keep you posted on Molly, as I'm sure she will provide me with lots of stories to tell...

Gooooing to Winnipeg!

Here I am in rainy, dreary Winnipeg. I'm on a lunch break waiting for the next event. Despite the wet weather here, the unfortunate lack of hot water in my hotel, and the fact that my flight here was delayed by over an hour, I am having a blast! It started with the flight (once I actually got on it!) where I got to sit at the front with my legs stretched out in front of me. I spent some quality time with my book, then fell asleep for the rest of the flight. The taxi ride to the hotel has definitely been a highlight so far. The driver is from the Sudan, and he has just published a book on village life in Africa. We got on the topic by him telling me all the festivals Winnipeg has in the summer, one of which is similar to our Heritage Days in Edmonton. He went on to talk about the importance of experiencing other culturs and enhancing your world view - the basis of his boook is the moment in his childhood when he realized there was life beyond his village. I'ver got his website and will definitely read his book.

This morning I walked to the Health Sciences Centre for the first day of the conference. It was a nice walk....Winnipeg feels a lot like Edmonton, only a bit smaller and a bit older. In fact, I forgot I was even in Winnipeg a couple of times. I had some problems getting my poster up. The velcroe was only sticking on one side and the thumb-tacks I had the forsight to bring in the event of velcroe failure kept popping out of the board. I felt myself getting frustrated, but then I would just look at my poster and remember Uganda and all the obstacles I faced there, and then I realized that this was not a big deal. Evenutally I got the damn poster to stay. Several other people didn't bring tacks, so I was a bit of a heroine, the tack-supplier.

I had my judging first thing this morning with two basic scientists whose first language was not English (isn't that a nice way of saying it?). It was a bit frustrating, but at the end of my talk they asked very good questions, so I know they understood me. After that was over, I felt free to be able to sit back and enjoy everything.

I spent the entire morning at "the lab" - the only level 4 containment lab in Canada, and the only facility housing both animal and human labs/pathogens in the world. It houses every single major deadly pathogen known to man, including ebola/marburg, lassa fever, some of the hanta viruses, etc. It was pretty damn exciting. Inside the labs just looked like labs - what was so fascinating was all the containment and security measures in place. Since they obviously couldn't take us in to the level 4 area, they showed us a video on how you first enter the low-pressure containment area, inflate your space suit, get into your space suit, and hook into your oxygen supply. They communicate to each other and to the control office by radios inside the suits. As exciting as the whole thing sounds, to have to spend your whole day in one of those things (it takes 20 minutes!) would be a huge pain in the ass, I think. We also got to see the area below the labs where are all of the waste goes to get decontaminated. We went above the labs as well to see the hepa filters where all of the air coming out of the labs gets filtered before leaving - the entire building has extremely clean air.

The building has this central communications office with 12 big TV screens where they moniter global outbreaks and all the major news channels. It is also very high security, and no papers are allowed to come out of there. It either stays in the room or gets shredded. We also got the see "the store". Before getting dressed in your suit (or scrubs, if you're working in a level 3 area) you go to pick out your underwea, bras, and scrubs. They have every brand, in every size. Isn't that insane? All personnel have to shower before leaving the containment area, and they also supply whatever kind of shampoo you want (I should've asked if they have Aveda).

Everything about this building is smart - from the way they mixed and poured the concrete to make sure there would be no pinholes or cracks, to the way they didn't tile the ceiling to ensure easy access to fix things, to the way they arranged things so that you could replace a broken lightbulb from above without having to actually go into the lab. It was a neat tour.

And of course I've made some friends. I've met a girl who did her undergrad at the UoA and liked my poster because she had recently been on an East African tour. I met another girl from Dalhousie who is just finishing her PhD and wants to come to Edmonton for her postdoc. And I've met this hilarious guy from UBC who also did a project on TB. And to top it all off, I ran into someone I did my undergrad with. It was strange running in to her - I haven't seen her in 8 years, but I think of her often. She said the same thing. We have plans to meet up tomorrow.

So it's been good. I have to head off now - it's a tour of the city, then a river boat cruise. Ciao!

The UN: the good, the bad, the ugly

Many people have lost all faith in the UN, and in international organizations in general. I understand the reasons why - I've just finished reading Shake Hands with the Devil, Romeo Dallaire's account of his role in the UN's mission to Rwanda during the genocide in the mid 1990s. However, I have recently been reminded of the good accomplishments the UN makes and I'd thought I'd share. A blog called Democracy Arsenal list 10 things the UN does well. And while I don't agree with all of the items on the list, a few stand out for me, particularly aid to refugees and fighting AIDS.

I first saw this list on the AIDS Matters newsletter.

Feeling human again...

Camping was exactly what I needed. I feel refreshed, rejuventated, and happy. And broke, but hey, it was worth it. Shelley and I drove down to Drumheller Friday afternoon. It was a lovely ride, I managed to stay awake, and we just chit-chatted all the way there. Once we arrived, we realized rather quickly that we are both camping snobs with extremely high expectations of the camping experience. We are both used to camping in pristine, secluded, private, quiet, wild, campgrounds. There is nothing of the sort to be found in Drumheller. We spent as much time driving around the area than we did to get there in the first place just trying to find a suitable campground. There were massive, crowded RV and trailor parks, but nothing tailoring to tenters. After deliberating whether or not we should turn around and drive to the mountains, we decided that we could suck it up and make the best of what we had in Drumheller. So we settled for a nice patch of grass along the Red Deer River at Pinters Campground. We called this home for the remainder of the long weekend.

We were both completely and utterly exhausted by the time we had everything set up. I built a top-notch fire which we enjoyed for no more than an hour before collapsing in bed. Of course neither one of us slept that night - we had hooligan drunken neighbors that wouldn't shut up all night. It wouldn't have been so bad, but they were a girl's rugby team and spent half the night talking about the butchy lesbians on their team and just being assholes about it. Homophobic bastards. Geez. On top of that, Casper felt the need to sleep on top of my legs the whole night. So did Shelley. Needless to say, I woke up cranky, tired, and very stiff.

Shelley wasn't much happier. But she cooked me a wonderful breakfast, and we decided to make the most of the day. So we packed up a lunch and hopped in the truck and headed out to sight see. First stop - the public swimming pool for a shower (they sell them for $1). They were closed. Damn. Then it was off to Fields to buy be a hat to cover my horrific hair. I took my camera out to take a picture only to find my camera batteries were dead. Then it was off to the IGA to buy new ones. By this time the comedy of errors actually became funny, and our bad moods turned into good ones.

So by the time we made it to the Hoodoos, we were in high spirits. Of course when I see a mountain I need to climb it, so rather than sitting around saying "well ain't that pretty", we put Casper on her leash and climbed the big hill behind the hoodoos. We had a blast, especially Casper, who acted like she had died and gone to doggy heaven. It was steep, and I was only wearing my sandals. At one point I lost my footing and started sliding down the hill. I called out to Shelley "I'm fine! I'm just falling down the hill!" with shreaks of laughter. She laughed at me from the top of the hill. It was a hoot!

Later that afternoon we drove across the 11 bridges to Wayne to see the Last Chance Saloon. We weren't all that impressed by it, but were rather intrigued by the group of lesbians camping out there! We drove on further to another little town and wandered through an old school that had been converted into a museum. The woman working there had all sorts of stories to tell about "the old days" and the mining families and what it was like growing up there during the war. It was fun, and we spent a lot of time speculating about how different our lives would've been back then.

We then headed off further down the road to tour the old Atlas Coal Mine. It is the only all-wooden mine left in Canada. We got to climb up the timble and see how they sorted the coal, and the horrible conditions they had to work under. We learned all about how eastern Europeans came to the Drumheller valley to escape the wars and hardships so common there in the early 1900s. We were told about how each little village had it's own ethnicity (one was Polish, another Hungarian, another Ukranian), but how at work in the mine you could hear all the languages. We heard stories of men who worked for up to 9 years to save enough money to bring their wives and families to Canada, and how they kept themselves in the company of miners' daughters in the meantime. We learned about how it was a real boomtime in the valley during WWII, and then how mines started slowly closing down as natural gas became more popular. Now, these once lively villages are nothing but ghost towns.

After such a full day, we got back to our campsite hungry and looking forward to a quite night, which we got, thank God. I made a fantastic supper on the fire, and we sat and started into the flames all night long......sigh....

While Saturday was all about the coal and the history of the valley, Sunday was about the dinosaurs. We went to the Royal Tyrrell Museum first thing, and spent a good three hours there. We had a lot of laughs, teasing each other and imitating the dinosaurs, and looking at all the cute chidlren, daydreaming about the day when we get to have our own. It was pretty fantastic. After a nice lunch back at the tent, we headed out for a hike through the badlands. It was sooooo hot, but we walked for a good couple of hours. We saw a coyote (fortunately Casper didn't). It was a nice walk, although I was soooo tired.

Poor Casper was tormented the whole weekend. There was a baby beagle there named Jeremy who looooooved Casper. Casper tends to eat other dogs, so she stayed on a long leash the whole time. Jeremy knew to stay away, but he would come just close enough to Casper to drive her nuts. It was so funny watching them. In fact, one morning, while we were still sleeping, Jeremy was scratching out the outside of the tent, and poor Casper jsut howled! Shelley and I were hysterical. It was so funny. There also two yellow labs, both puppies, who enjoyed Casper, as well as her food. Jeremy just wanted to be involved in all the doggy activities. The labs were wrestling with each other, and Jeremy came leaping towards them with a both in her mouth, an you could just imagine him saying "can i play? can I play? I brought my own ball". I guess you had to be there....

Anyway, after a quick stop at Reptile World to admire all the frogs (love 'em), turtles (love 'em) and snakes (hate 'em), it was time to head home. We stopped at Horseshoe Canyon for a look on the way out. Turns out you can climb down into the canyon, and of course we couldn't resist that opportunity! And I slept all the way home. Poor Shelley.

The weekend was amazing for us. We somehow have a way of just laughing through all of our stresses. We were just so connected the whole time.....fantastic.

Fieldtrips and dreams

I love fieldtrips! I went on my first one for work yesterday. It was only to Vegreville, not very exciting, but hey, I got to see the world's largest Ukrainian egg! It was fun hopping in the car and going for a drive and knowing I was getting paid for it. It was a nice day, I had the windows rolled down and CKUA playing loud....I was in heaven for 200km. I drove past Elk Island, and everything is so green and beautiful. I had the urge to pull over and run bare-footed in the grass. I didn't, but I should've. And I saw lots of baby cows too. Sometimes I forget to take time to just slow down and breathe - being stuck on the middle of the Trans Canada Highway gives you nothing but time to breathe (not slow down, mind you!). So I came home from work feeling somewhat refreshed. Until, of course, I looked at my schedule and realized exactly how much crap I still have to do, and then I started wondering why I just spent 2 hours in a car when I couldn've been working on said crap.

Anyway, small towns have a funny feel to them. Especially small farming towns. As I found my way to the hospital I had a screenplay for a small-town suspense murder mystery all planned out in my head. It was also strange being in a small town hospital - such a different atmosphere from the U of A. You can tell that the doctors know their patients from the notes they take. One nurse actually wrote "he says his ears are ringing like he has 2 John Deers in his head". I giggled right out loud. As I sat in the little office they gave me to do my work, I listened to the staff giggle and gossip out in the hallway (did you hear about so and so? what do you think of so and so's hair?). Kept me entertained.

And then last night I had the strangest dream! I dreamed that some horrible natural disaster happened and wiped away half of the human population. What remained were 2 groups of people: one group felt that all that was left of the Earth should be redistributed and shared equally among the survivors; the other group wanted to kill off the first group and keep everything to themselves. I was in my parents' house (my dad survived too). Everyone was outside screaming, and I was in the kitchen making a snack and having a glass of water. Dad told me I need to get out there and fight for what I believe in. I told him that I would, but that I needed to calm myself down first, that I would be more effective if my head was firmly on my shoulders. So I finished eating and went outside. There were dead bodies everywhere, and people were working to pile them up and cover them. All of the people who wanted to share the planet were trying to make their way to some sort of peaceful area, while the other group shot at them.

Someone threw a gun at me and told me to use it to protect myself - I told them I stood for peace and didn't want a gun. They told me to use it only for protection, and nothing else. A young boy came running at me, pointing the gun at me and getting ready to fire. I didn't hesitate to pick up the gun - someone was yelling instructions at me on how to use it. I aimed and fired at this kid, but instead of bullets coming out, only red ink came out. The others behind me started screaming, saying that we had been tricked. But I discovered my aim was perfect, so I aimed for this kid's right eye and kept shooting this ink at him - he went blind, dropped his gun, and ran away.

I made my way to the HQ of our group, which strangley was run by the man who wrote my favourite yoga book. HQ was based out of a store that sold homemade beaded jewelery on one side and eyeglasses on the other. It was all in shambles and the walls were cracking and there was no power or electricity. I gave him a novel that was a fictional story describing exactly what was happening to the world now (iot was like an Orwell book or something) - we put it up on the wall as a reminder that the good can win.

Strange one, eh?

Anyways...off to Drumheller for the weekend!

No, it's not that time of the month...

I have been so emotional lately! I handed in my thesis (big, huge sigh of relief) and ever since then I have been rediscovering the fact that I am actually a human being. All of a sudden I remember that there are feelings other than frustration, despair, pressure and stress. I burst out laughing over the silliest little things. And I cried last night watching American Idol because Bo sent chills down my spine with one of his songs. Of course there's a good chance that I am just over-tired and it's all catching up to me...

Thankfully Shelley and I are going camping this weekend. Both of us are counting down the hours now. We have not been able to spend much time together because I had been devoting every night until 4am to my thesis. And beyond that, it's always refreshing to get out of the city. I had originally planned to not bring anything that even remotely resembles the written word, but I have changed my mind - I'm reading The Time Traveler's Wife and it is fantastic, so it's coming with me. I'm not sure I could part with it for a whole weekend!

FUCK!

I am sitting here bored at work. Do people not know that I do not have TIME to be BORED at the moment??!!! I have to hand in my thesis in 4 days. I found out on the weekend that a pain-in-the-ass paper I wrote at my last job is being published in BMJ (this is a HUGE thing - I'm not sure too many medical academics can say they got their very first paper ever to be published accepted by BMJ). And while I am extremely happy and impressed, I am also miserable because revisions have to be sent to the journal in 4 DAYS! Also, I have to have a first draft of the poster I will be presenting at a conference next month in to my supervisor in 4 DAYS! Also, my supervisor wants me to present my thesis at another conference in the fall, and the application deadline for that one is in 4 DAYS! Are you catching the importance of the next 4 days!

Well, to top it all off, my colleague (aka the only other one working on this project) is going for surgery next week and only has these next 4 days here at work. This means that the next 4 days at work are also going to be extremely hellish as we prepare me to do the work of two for the next 6 weeks. And now, while I should be working, I am sitting here writing in my blog because we cannot continue on to the next phase of the project without approval from the primary investigator, who is too busy to give it to us at the moment. So while there are 435399000 other things I could be doing at the moment to meet all of these flipping deadlines, I can't! I would be infinitely happier if I could suddenly fake a stroke or something and go home and work on my thesis....

Crap. If it weren't for Shelley doing my laundry and feeding me this last week, I don't know how I would have survived.

If I don't update blog anytime soon, assume that I am burried under a pile of unfinished papers and posters....call in the medics.

Hitler's daughter?

I need to write more often so that I don't sit here at my computer with 5638395 thoughts to type out. I've been so busy....not that this is ever an excuse! I have been locked in my apartment working ferociously on my thesis. Thankfully I'm handing the thing in on May 13th and it will be out of my hair for a little while, at least. I'm sure Shelley will be happy when my extreme bitchiness wears off.....working on my thesis puts me in a mood, particularly when there is a multitude of other things I could be doing out in the sunshine....

I had to do a driving test today - it's part of the new requirements to be covered by university insurance when I rent cars for work. Of course I was nervous - everyone teases me about my driving (apparently I'm crazy) so I thought for sure I was going to flunk. But I didn't. I did super well, actually. The evaluator was an ex-cop, and he got a bit of a chuckle out of me. He said I am one of the most aggressive drivers he's ever been in the passenger seat of, and that I am definitely the most aggressive female driver he's encountered. I was partly honored and partly ashamed of his proclamation. He said I'm a good driver and will never have troubles driving in busy cities. I beg to differ - I have no patience for slow-moving traffic.

We signed Shelley up at the gym the other day. It's nice to have a workout partner. Actually, I didn't have to convince her much. She's been so impressed with my energy levels during the day, that she wanted to give it a try. Anyway, she joined the gym Thursday night, and I dragged her kicking and screaming to the gym Friday after work. She really, really, really didn't want to go....you know the typical excuse..."I'll start Monday". Uh uh, no way. Somewhere between home and the gym Shelley asked me if I was Hitler's daughter.....I laughed and laughed and laughed. You should have seen the look on her face - you would've thought that I was dragging her off to her death. The funny thing about all of this was how great she did at the gym, and how awesome she said she felt afterwards. And she learned the hardest gym lesson of all - overcoming the pain-in-the-ass mental/psychological obstacle to actually getting to the gym. Once you get your shoes on, it gets easier....except for maybe the last few minutes of cardio - by the time I get to the 40th minute I am sooooo bored, it's harder on my mind to finish than it is on my body.

And I have now lost 7 pounds....so I am encouraged. Although I still have some major body image issues when I'm at the gym - having skinny little fit buff Shelley beside me doesn't help! But I'm working on that........

I met the owner of the place where I do my yoga the other day, and he is the most incredible man - so encouraging, such great energy. We talked for quite some time, and in just one conversation he taught me so much. I love that place and all the people that go there. Sometimes when we're sitting in the lobby waiting for our class to start the person next to me will start chatting to me, and in 3 minutes we'll share the highlights of our day. I find this just amazing...

Anyway...I need to go eat supper and get to work on my thesis. Oh yippee skippy.

it's a blessing to be so easily impressed

So I've survived my first week at the new job. I love it so far. My co-worker is fantastic, we get along great, and manage to get a lot of laughs in during the day. The project I'm working on is a bit of a logistic nightmare, and I think that's why I like it so much....everything is a problem that needs to be solved - lots of thinking, lots of decision-making. This is the stuff I need. So I've been feeling very fulfilled lately. To top it all off, I made some more progress on my thesis over the weekend, so although I'm still waaaaaaay stressed about it, at least I have momentum, which is the greatest motivator for me.

Shelley and I talk often about all the places I'm going to get to go to. I haven't been to any of these places, and although I'm sure they're completely boring, I'm still exciting to see them, and to run around and take funky pictures. I get to spend a bit of time up in northern BC, and when I asked Shelley what the heck I'm going to do there, her first response was "be very careful and watch out for bears". She would know, since these were her old stomping grounds and she has actually been attacked by a bear, believe it or not. (In the end, her and her buddy were rescued safely, but the bear was killed - apparently the ranger people thought the bear was a bit crazy and would likely kill again). I told her I would go walking with pots and pans to scare them away.

I've been getting up at 5:45 to go to the gym. Impressive, eh? I'm somewhat addicted to the gym at the moment...at least I have a healthy outlet for stress. I still hate mornings and am grumpy until I actually start exercising, then I realize it's all worth it. Maybe one day it will get a bit easier to wake up so darn early.

I've been getting little reminders lately about how much I love this world we live in and it's diversity of culture. I was walking home from work the other day and I caught a glimpse of an old brick apartment building. There were beautiful plants growing in someone's window, and a shiny thing hanging about them that was capturing the sunlight. It was just so beautiful. I had a flashback to various homes and buildings I have seen in my travels, and I was filled with a total sense of love for the world, and an intense desire to see more of it. I love these moments, ones where you are moved by what seems to be the ordinary. So I guess I should have no worries about Fort St John and the like...I'm sure to find something that will impress me.

What a slacker!

It's been weeks since I posted, sorry about that. Time flies when you're procrastinating!! Or maybe you simply start losing track of time once you turn 29...yep, that's right, I had a birthday a few days ago, the big 2-9. Hooray for me. 29 and still in school. Look at me go! Actually, I feel great. I've got 82 pages of my thesis written already, it's great work as far as I'm concerned, I start a new job tomorrow, and I'm totally excited about it, the weather's fantastic, the sun is shining, what more can I ask for?

I've gotten in the habit of taking Casper, Shelley's dog, out for big long walks, and I find these walks to be the highlight of my day. This dog is an amazing creature, she's got such great energy, and it simply feels good to be around her. Watching her jump around and run and express such true happiness is like a breath of fresh air. So whenever I start feeling like I've been indoors too much, or overstimulated from working on my thesis, or just needing some down-time on my own, Casper and I head out to the park.

I've been on this kick lately, trying to find things and people that feed my spirit. Casper and walks are definitely part of that. And so is the Ashtanga yoga I've been doing latelty. A colleague of mine recommended this style of yoga to me, and since the classes are held two blocks away from my apartment, I thought I would give it a go. Turns out I LOVE it. I feel completely rejuvenated for days after my yoga class. As a result, I've started doing it on my own at home, and since it's been so warm here the last few days, I've been rolling out my yoga mat and doing sun salutations on my balcony in the mornings, with the sun shining on my face. What an amazing way to start my day!

I've also been visiting a chiropracter lately who has given me so much more freedom in my life. I haven't coughed, or had a headache, or even had a stiff neck or shoulders since visiting her, which has enabled me to be as active as I like to be. Ive been going to the gym on an extremely regular basis, and this makes me feel great too. All of this has given me a tremendous amount of energy. Look at me go! On top of it all, this "new" lifestyle has changed my eating patterns...I no longer crave sugar nearly as much as I used to. Although I still need a chocolate fix every once in awhile.

Anyway, there's my update. Nothing new and exciting. Oh, except that Shelley and I bought a ticket for the Full House Lottery. Consider yourself invited to the house-warming party once we win the house of our dreams! Casper is going to love the big-ass back yard!!!

why are things that cause pain sooooo much fun?

I'm sitting here typing a blog entry because quite frankly the thought of actually lifting myself out of my chair and walking the 3.1 km home is way too daunting. I went snowboarding for the frist time in my life last night, and although I lived to tell about it, I almost wish I hadn't, just so I didn't have to endure this pain!!! That said, I had a blast, loved it, and can't wait to torture myself on the slopes again. I'm told the second time is easier.....we'll see. A friend of mine teaches unsuspecting fools such as myself how to snowboard, and according to her, I am a freak of nature. The one thing I can do really well on a snowboard is get off the chairlift. She's never seen a first-timer ace this task. So good for me!

On another note, that job I was commiserating about in my last entry...well....I took the position and I start in a few weeks. It was hard giving my notice at my current job, believe it or not. And being asked by the boss what she could do to change my mind about it just made it even more difficult. But I am excited about starting something new. And excited about seeing more of Alberta and BC...lots of time to brush up on my French and photography...

We had our very last hockey game the other night. We lost 2-0, but we played the top team in the league (who, by the way, only lost 3 games all season, 2 of which were against us). We played with only 9 skaters, and missing our top 2 goal scorers. So given the circumstances, I think we did awesome. It was sad for me, though, because my new work schedule may not allow me to play hockey again next year....that will be so hard for me!

Aaah well...my whining about my aching bones got me a ride home....so I'll sign off for now...

oh, to be able to afford pomegranate juice

Sometimes I really hate being broke. Usually I can just deal with it, but lately it has been my numero uno cause of stress. Especially since I finally caved in and went to see a chiropractor, who so nicely informed me that I am completely out of whack. She is suggesting I see her 3 times a week for a month, and then drop down to 2 times a week for a bit, then once per week, and then finally once each month. Although I don't deny I need it, I can't afford it. So what's a girl to do? I haven't had a single headache since I started chiro. That is pretty spectacular. On top of it all, I keep seeing pomegranate juice in the grocery store, and I have heard so much about it's amazing nutritional properties, I feel I must try it....but at $5 for a teenie weenie bottle, I'm not going to be trying it any time soon!

Which leads me to the next thing. I need advice. I recently applied for a job. It is not a step up for me by any stretch of the imagination, but it pays significantly more (I'm talking about $9/hour more) and offers benefits. Plus, it involves lots of travel all over Alberta and BC. Since we all know how much I love airports, hotels, and roadtrips, this sounds like heaven to me. Well, I asked my superior at work to be a reference for me, which she agreed to. Then, completely out of the blue, I get called in to our office manager's office, and she tells me that they really, really don't want me to leave, and offered to up my salary, possibly give me benefits, etc. Now I feel this incredible sense of loyalty to my current place of work. They go out of there way to accomidate me, I would feel awful to leave them. But if I were offered this other position, it has some other benefits that would make me sooooo happy, and give me the opportunity to do some things for me that I have been denying myself, like lots of alone time, like my long walks, like learning a second language. What else would I do out in the middle of nowhere, in a hotel, for weeks at a time? I just don't know what to do.

I am not in the proper mental space right now to be going gung-ho for a top-notch epi job. This I know for sure. I still need to finish that damn thesis (and I am actually making terrific progress and suspect that it will be done by the end of the month), and on top of that, since I have been neglecting myself for quite some time, I need to get my body and my health and my emotional well-being back on track. I know that I will be much, much, much more successful at whatever I do (especially if it means moving to another city or going overseas) if I get stronger in these areas.

I started Ashtanga yoga last week and I absolutely loved it. The teacher is amazing, the room we do it in is amazing, my classmates are all wonderful. I felt like I belonged there, and was surrounded by like-minded people. That alone was a huge thing for me. I have found lately that I have been surrounded by people who don't think the same way I do, who don't have the same goals and values as me. I feel like I could spend hours trying to tell them where I'm at, and they just wouldn't understand. I overheard a conversation between two women at yoga, and craved to be a part of it, because they were articulating my thoughts perfectly. How sad is that???

I am sick. Again. I just got over the flu, which was horrible. I had a whole day of being somewhat energetic, and then I got a bad cold which turned into a nasty antibiotic-requiring infection in my ears, throat, and lungs. When will it end? I hate being sick. It's boring. There's only so much resting a person can do!

the flu sucks

Sorry it’s been so long. Time for an update. I’ve been sick, sick, sick, and really all I’ve done in the past 3 weeks is sleep, sleep some more, and then sleep again. I’m starting to feel better now, although my ideas of what my body can do these days seem somewhat ambitious. My mind is ready to get on with things, but my body would like to be lazy a little bit longer. However, I know that laziness begets laziness, so I’m just going to force myself to become active again, although I’ll do it pole pole (slowly….why am I letting Swahili slip in here????). Anyway, a few noteworthy things have happened, so here’s a a summary:

The other night Shelley and I went to this spirit medium circle thing. Neither one of us knew what we were getting into, but because of circumstance we ended up there, and decided to stick it out. Turns out it was an opportunity to converse with the dead. I’m serious. I was cynically sceptical at first, but then the moderator started saying things about people that she just couldn’t have known. Anyway, I received a nice message to give to Darren from his father regarding an up-coming wedding in the family, and I also was reassured from my grandfather that he watches out from me and keeps me on track. When I relayed this to my father later that night, he told me that when I was about 7 years old I had a recurring dream that I was falling out of an airplane and grandpa caught me. So maybe it’s true…..

What else…hmmm…Shelley and I saw a few movies. In my continued addiction to everything African, we saw “Shake Hands with the Devil” and “Hotel Rwanda”. The genocide from the point of view of the Canadian in charge of the failed UN mission to Rwanda on one hand, and the point of view of Tutsi refugees hiding out in a hotel on the other. I get so ANGRY at the world sometimes. When will we ever learn? Both movies disturbed me for days. And on a lighter note, we saw “Hitch”. Enough said.

I spent the long weekend dog sitting for a friend. It was not the funnest thing in the world, living in someone else’s house when are sick. But it was worth it - she gave me a whole bunch of movie passes, hence I was able to see the ones mentioned above.

At some point in time I took a couple of weeks off and finished the Results chapter of my thesis. That felt good, let me tell you. I have another 2 days off starting tomorrow to polish off another chapter.

Shelley and I went for a country drive the other day…the sun was shining and it felt so good on my face through the window of her truck. We stopped at a small café in a small town for lunch…yummy….homemade food.

I may be starting a new job at the end of March - I haven’t decided if I’m going to take it. It would be fun, but totally not challenging or resume-building – just something more healthy to pass the time until I can do what I really want to do. Which leads me into the numero uno dilemma - what the hell to do with my life once the thesis is done. Go overseas, don’t go overseas. What’s a girl to do!!!! Of course I feel my calling is to go overseas, but can I afford it? Would it be wise to get a “normal” job as my mom would call it and pay off my student loans before going to serve to impoverished people of the world for next-to-no money? To make things even more excruciatingly difficult, other opportunities keep popping up and I have no idea what to do about them. None of them are in Alberta, and it’s hard to think about moving away when you are as sick as a dog and don’t have enough energy to walk to the toilet.
I realize that I need to stop thinking about the future and enjoy the moment. So, in light of this, I’m taking a sweat yoga class, starting tonight. Should be good for me…Mondays will be great – sweat yoga followed by L-Word with the girls. Nice!

I guess that’s all for now.

hockey, hockey, and more hockey

Stingers in Edson Feb 2005

It appears I'm getting a tad bit lazy with this blogging business. It could be because all I've done for the past week or two is HOCKEY! I just learned how to add pictures to my blog, so above you can see my beloved hockey team partaking in debauchery...oh, it was good times. I'm looking forward to next week, when there will be no unrealistic demands on my body, just on my mind, as I attempt to actually bite the bullet and write my pain-in-the-ass thesis. I'll keep you posted as I slowly descend into the madness only academia can induce....

I'm on a new kick....

....although it's related to my passion for international health. In my last post I wrote a bit about the relationship between humanitarian aid and military intervention. Well, in trying to learn more about it, I have found myself quite intrigued by international humanitarian law: political prisoners, prisoners of war, casualties of war, the role of capitivity and torture in war, the Geneva Conventions and so on. I'm intrigued by the role of medical personnel in war. It all has me rather excited at the moment.

When I sit down and think about what I want to do when I grow up, I get all energized and motivated when I think about working overseas. However, I get all stressed when I think about working in development because of my experience with NGOs in Africa - the lack of collaboration and cooperation, the wasteful spending of money, the concentration in urban areas and avoidance of rural areas and the people who need their services the most, the whole expat ghetto thing...it just angers me. But when I think of high-stress emergency situations - war, natural disasters, refugees, civil unrest - and what I can do in these situations, I feel motivated.

But despite this motivation, I have made a decision to just stop looking for new careers and focus on finishing my thesis...it will be done in a few short months, and then I can go nuts, without the stress of an unfinished thesis looming over my head like a big grey rain cloud. I'm even gonna stay at this job - they have given me a raise and are allowing me to work 4-day weeks until I get my thesis written...I think what I'll plan to do is work 3 days one week and 5 the next, giving me 2 focused thesis days every 2 weeks, rather than just one day per week...I tend to get on a role. If I buckle down and notify my friends and family that I am going into hiding for a little while, it will get done for sure...

Anyway...back to work I go.

and on a happier note...

I have a couple of job leads, here in Edmonton, to keep me happy until that good ol' thesis is done. On top of that, it's International Week on campus, and I have been getting my fill of global issues. I've heard the prince of Swaziland (who is also the grandson of Nelson Mandela) speak, as well as Omar Kdar's lawyer. I also spent lots of time this evening before hockey with an expert in working internationally. He had all sorts of advice for me and has agreed to help me "internationalize" my resume. I learned so much from him and he got me excited about my big job search again. There are many more interesting lectures to come, including the Canadian director of MSF and a representative of CIDA...more networking opportunities for me!

And as I attend these lectures and think about the next step in my life, I find myself really questioning the nature of humanitarian aid...it's supposed to be based on principles of neutrality and impartiality, but such principles are obviuosly compromised in so many parts of the world these days...humanitarian aid often coincides with military intervention, which often carries a political agenda, hence there becomes politicization of humanitarian aid, which negates it's primary tenet of neutrality. This needs more thought on my part.....but in the morning, when my head ain't so fuzzy.

can't sleep....

It's 4am and I can't sleep. I found out yesterday I didn't get the job. And I'm disapointed. The director spent quite a lot of time on the phone with me, talking about what I can do to make myself a better candidate for next time. She told me that I just don't have any experience in public health, and that in the past few years, when they've selected "newbies" such as myself who don't know the "ins and outs" of the government public health system, people have gotten "tripped up" and not done as well as expected, so they didn't want that to happen again. She said that my lab background was extremely appealing to them, as was the fact that only 16 of all the applicants actually passed the test, and of those 16, I did exceptionally well on it. So at the end of it all, she told me my epidemiology skills are strong, and I interviewed really well, and I have an appropriate background, just no experience within the system.

She encouraged me to try again next year. Of course I mentioned the fact that the application process begins again in 8 months, and that leaves very little time to gain the experience they expect of me. She suggested that I contact the Medical Officer of Health here in Edmonton, and representatives of Alberta Public Health and Canada Public Health and see if I can't get someone to mentor me and show me the ropes on a volunteer, job-shadow kind of basis over the spring and summer. She told me if I had troubles to give her a call, she would try to help me. So that is all very positive. What bothers me about the whole thing is why they even interviewed me in the first place....my experience was all outlined in my resume and application, they knew from the get-go that I didn't have any public health experience.

Of course after that phone call I started emailing my contacts immediately. I started with one of the people on my thesis committee, one of my favourite mentors. I told him all that I have written here, and he gave me the name of a Deputy Medical Officer of Health here in Edmonton. This guy happens to be my undergrad project supervisor and someone whom I have had quite a bit of contact with over the years, someone I already have a good relationship with. So I will give him a ring next week and see if he can't set something up for me.

I know that everything happens the way it does for a reason, and that I didn't get into the program this time around because it isn't the right time for me. Maybe there's something better around the corner. Who knows? I know I can't be too hard on myself - the directors were so positive about me. What's hard is not knowing what's going to happen next. I know I should be excited and eagerly anticipate what's to come, but I am truly afraid that nothing will come. That I won't get the chance to do what I'm passionate about, that I won't find fulfillment in my career, that everything that I've worked so hard to achieve in my life will all amount to nothing. I'm feeling inadequate, and it's this feeling that is keeping from peaceful slumber right now.

My mom told me on the phone tonight that I am the stubbornist person she knows, and that she is quite confident this will just make me pull up my socks a little more, find an even better opportunity for myself and show those field epi people what they're missing in me. Ha! Maybe she's right!

And I feel for poor Shelley in all this. She was so sad when I told her (she thought I was going to get it for sure). She brought me flowers and wrote me a note saying that my time to shine will come. It was sweet. But this was the first catastrophe she had to deal with with me. The thing with me is that the LAST thing I want in times like this is sympathy or hand-holding or words of encouragement or anything like that. I already know all of that obvious stuff. I know another opportunity will come, I know I'm capable, I know all of that. What I need to do in times like these is reconnect to my spirit, find my strength, see the bigger picture, and refocus again. And these are things I need to do on my own, within myself. I think Shelley was a bit surprised that I wasn't talking much last night (I guess that is unusual for me, since I talk all the time). But once I told her I just needed to process it all in my head, but that it was a great comfort just to have her near me, we were okay. We went out for dinner, came home and snuggled on the couch with a movie, which of course I didn't watch because I was thinking.

Anyway, the first thing I need to do is get out of my current job, no matter what. That place is toxic for me in so many ways. I will start looking for lab jobs next week, kick my ass in gear on my thesis, clear my slate.

And now I might be feeling sleepy...good night.

it's been awhile....

I don’t know where the time goes sometimes…it’s not like I’ve been particularly busy these days, at least not more than usual. But I guess I have been preoccupied and completely lacking the mental space needed to write this thing. I STILL haven’t heard from the feds, although I shouldn’t be surprised since I’m technically not supposed to hear from them until Jan 31st. Needless to say, it’s causing me a bit of stress. I would like to know if I got a position as soon as possible so that I can just get on with it already! And then maybe I can start sleeping peacefully again…

There’s nothing really new…I’m just ticking along...I still hate my current job and am very seriously considering trying for a job back at the lab. In so many ways it feels like a step backwards, but it would provide me with $1000/month more than what I’m getting now and more mental space to get my thesis done and a bit more day-to-day happiness. So I’ll keep you posted on that front.

Shelley and I are doing wonderfully. Oh how she makes me laugh! And it’s so nice to be in the presence of woman who is so accepting and non-judgemental, kind and sensitive, and just beautiful. We have taken to cooking together quite a bit lately. This is a huge feat for me, partly because I’m not a very good cook (or at least I never used to be) and partly because I always seem to end up spending a lot of money going out for dinner with gf’s. So I like this new trend of ours.

ouch...hockey hurts

....but I still love it. We had a game last Friday and we only had 8 skaters. 8!!!! And believe it or not, we still managed to win 6-0. We all skated are asses off, and even the refs commented at the end of the game that our passing was awesome. Gooooooo Stingers! But then last night we had more skaters and we lost 5-2. But I got a goal. I think it might have been my 20th point! We played our ultimate rivals last night and they were mean, both in action and in word. We were getting so frustrated, even though we played so well. We were snapping at each other and at the coaches on the bench and no one was very chipper in the room after the game.

So here I am, already in a mood. S and I are having a discussion out in the parking lot about a tournament we have coming up - she might not be able to make it. We were discussing options on how to make it possible for her to come, and then I got even more frustrated. So in a complete act of immaturity, I threw my car keys across the parking lot into a bank of snow. I didn't even do it angrily. I just tossed them. S laughed, which was not the reaction I expected, naturally. And here goes a great big thank you to my amazing friends, who each grabbed a hockey stick and started combing the snow for my keys, in a straight-line formation, completely organized and in sync. And we found them right away. Phew! All S could do was laugh at me and tell me how cute I am. :-)

Anyway, I'm sore. Too much hockey, too much going to the gym!

playing the waiting game

Words cannot describe how completely tortuous it is sitting here waiting to find out if I got the job. Jan 31 seems a VERY long time away, especially when my gut is telling me I didn't get it. But there is still this part of me that knows I deserve this job, that I would kick ass at this job, that this job is meant for me. So I can't help but wonder if maybe my gut is wrong, if I am just stewing in self doubt, which knowing me is entirely possible! So even though I'm not expecting to get it, I am still hoping that I will, and believe that I should. And grappling with what the hell to do with my life if I don't get it.

It is stressful playing the waiting game. Every time the phone rings at work my heart lurches. Every time the computer tells me I have a new email I get dizzy. I call my answering maching at home every hour. And just now I looked at the CFEP website and got so excited at the thought of doing this job that I could've puked! My healthy heart will not be so healthy by the end of the month - I'm sure my blood pressure is through the roof!

Tsunami relief

I am proud of humanity for coming together and putting such an amazing effort into raising funds/supplies/volunteer aid to help the people of Southeast Asia. I suppose we can all relate to their suffering...losing our homes, our friends, our families, even our entire community is dreadful to imagine.

HOWEVER, I find it somewhat disturbing that humanity can't rally up this much support to combat other human tragedies around the world....poverty, HIV, war....These are all very real and very devastating plagues of the modern world. Perhaps as well-to-do North Americans these are experiences most of us can't relate to, so maybe these tragedies don't produce the same sort of empathy natural disasters do. I don't know.

But when I look at the numbers, I can't help but get a little bit frustrated. Yes, hundreds of thousands of people lost their lives, and many, many more lost their homes, or loved ones, or suffered injuries. And yes, there will be severe psychological consequences to the lives of the survivors. But over 4 MILLION people died of AIDS last year. Not to mention all the children that were orphaned, also left parentless and homeless, and also psychologically injured. Not to mention the tremendous cost to the economy, losing 4 million young, economically active members of society. Not to mention the BILLIONS of people living in poverty, malnourished, uneducated, etc. Why can't we pull together to raise money for these people? Help build these people homes? Help educate these people? Help feed them? Care about them?

Why is an earthquake deemed this huge tragedy, this huge emergency? What abut the conditions these people were living in before they were swallowed up by the Indian Ocean? What about all the diseases and the poverty that was killing them, although much slower, before the earthquakes? Why is that never considered worthy of millions of Canadian dollars, tax breaks, benefit concerts, etc?